To hate being around mothers who talk about how amazing their baby’s is

[Forumqueen]

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice that people enjoy their children. But I’m pretty sure I had PND I’ve come through it now my daughter is 2 I’ve always been honest with pretty much all my friends/ family who have children that I struggled with being bored at home during maternity leave and how difficult a high needs my baby was ect.

She’s our first so I was quite overwhelmed from the start. Anyway I was at a family bbq yesterday and as you do you get talking to Mother’s who have babies and they all can’t wait to tell me how amazing their baby is and how much they love being at home . How they are dreading going back to work and how easy and settled their child is. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive almost like their rubbing it in my face as to just how much of a failure I was with my baby (they know my struggles) I just feel so alone!

Not me ..

It pisses me off too but my baby is far harder work than any other baby I have met, and never sleeps/ cries all the time. I do think that some people genuinely have an easy time- and good for them I suppose. When you’re getting sleep and your baby is laidback- life would be amazing. So they’re just being honest.

At the same time though.. I have a friend with a very easy baby- she barely does anything and I’ve never heard her cry and she’ll try to make out it’s hard work and she understands what I go through with my DD. So that’s almost worse?

I’m hoping that my baby will become an angelic toddler (I love her to bits obviously but she’s hard work atm!) and if that ever happens I will probably become one of those mothers who boast because I’ll feel like I’ve earned it!

@voxnihill you’ve just hit the nail on the head! This is exactly how I feel. What I’ve got from this thread though is that everyone ones experiences an babies are different. Someone else being extra positive about their baby might just be what they are excited about that day and want to share.

Sorry bout my terrible typos. Personally when dd was little i just wanted a bit of space to go to the loo or drink a cup of tea. Her going to school has been a godsend.
Is that an example of a crap mum? No.

The thing is though, op. Its very easy for parents to make out their kids are perfect. However, You only live with your own baby.

I must have had the only the baby who woke up for a feed. Wasn't potty trained by the time she got to one.
Oh and no-one else's baby cried.
It doesn't get any easier when they get to school either. You know when they go into reception and you'll ask each other "how they're doing". Well according to every mum. They were going to put their kids straight In to year one. I almost had the only child in the year group.

Personally when dd was little i just wanted a bit of space to go to the loo or drink a cup of tea. Her going to school has been a godsend.
Is that an example of a crap mum? No.

Makes me feel awful though!

I agree with another poster it's worse when someone with an easy/easier baby starts complaining.

I've heard a number of times 'all children are difficult' in response to my struggles - so actually dismissive of my hard times. I obviously know some babies/toddlers are more difficult than others so I just ignore these comments .

I do wonder how these people enjoyed being at home so much when it wasn't my experience. I couldn't wait to get back to work :) but doesn't mean I don't believe them, I just think they've had a different experience and yes I'm a bit upset it wasn't mine but there's nothing I can do about it!

It's a really tricky issue. I'm like you but the opposite, op.

Reality, currently i have a toddler sat in time out as he bit his little brother, there's apple all over the floor as the little one will just chew and spit it out and I haven't yet dressed or showered (husband away). Ok so I've not had a great morning but I find if I dwell it drags me down. I won't tell anyone about that. However I will talk about how lovely it was when the kids were playing playdough earlier.

If I dwell on the negative (and trust me, we've had a really really tough start with our two) then it drags me into depression. I even struggle if I surround myself around people who are having a tough time.

Maybe they're just glossing over the negatives. It's my only way to keep myself mentally healthy.

An example,.my toddler has health issues. I had a friend over yesterday. He screamed for the whole two hours she was there as he was in discomfort. I started out comforting him and saying "not much I can do" and finished in tears with her comforting me. Then in our group chat, all I said was "yes, we haven't had a great day. He's been uncomfortable." Not a lie, but I can't dwell as it's not healthy. Am I lying? Not really.

Interested in others thoughts. I don't deliberately mislead

@halyardhitch I really hope no one is doing it deliberately. From what you said about what you’ve been through you sound perfectly reasonable!

I get it @ForumQueen

I was so unhappy during my year on mat leave. I deal with anxiety and depression anyway but this was a new level. Whenever other mums spoke about loving being at home I felt like they knew I was a shit mum and rubbing it in (though I knew logically they weren’t). Whenever they talked about their babies being good sleepers, how they’d never resort to co-sleeping, how they were going abroad because you just have to keep doing the things you used to do before. While my DS still doesn’t sleep through at 18 months, is in my bed and is a very high needs wee guy. All the talk about never having known a love like this before (there was a poem in our baby box in Scotland expressing that sentiment) when I didn’t feel that overwhelming love till DS was about one. You know it’s not intended to make you feel bad but it stings.

I have four DC. My DD’s were very ‘high needs’, clingy and needy and I couldn’t even go to the toilet alone for a couple of years. It was hard and exhausting, I felt extremely overwhelmed.

My DS’s were so easy breezy including six month old DS now. Slept through from two months, can take them anywhere and they barely make a peep, don’t cry often at all etc. Absolute joys.

If I’d only had my DS’s I would be incredibly irritating and believe having babies is the easiest thing imaginable. My DD’s humbled me .

People with ‘easy’ babies just won’t understand.

People with ‘easy’ babies just won’t understand

This with bells on outsho. They just don’t. I was so grateful to have a couple of friends on mat leave who also had high needs babies so we could all just have a moan. That was so much better than being the one at the baby groups whose stories made everyone wince and look sympathetic. A psychiatrist said to me ‘he’s almost one, why are you not getting any time to yourself by now?’ I could tell she’d not had a baby like mine.

Yes I think that’s what it is maybe they just don’t understand. I have learnt so much from you guys thank you so much everyone. I’m around babies/ toddlers quite a bit and I have honestly not seen any of them behave as bad as my DD. I guess I have to accept That and stop dwelling on everyone else

I just find the type of people you're talking about incredibly dull.

I had the opposite experience - after years of infertility I truly loved most of those early years, dreaded going back to a job I'd previously enjoyed (ended up going back PT), and loved (still do) spending time with my child. Of course there were not so enjoyable times too, but my overwhelming experience was a very positive, happy one.

I found however that due to most other parents' negativity I couldn't ever voice my experience! Everyone I knew moaned about motherhood, couldn't wait to return to work, their husbands were useless etc etc etc. I would have felt awful voicing how I really felt, and found it quite isolating. So looks like we should have swapped friends!

So it seems like

Yes exactly OP!

People without difficult babies don’t understand how restricted your life is. How even going to the shops or making it to the local playgroup is a success. What it feels like to not sleep for a year or listen to your child cry all day or cling to you. The anxiety you feel going out incase they cry too much.

I have had (well meaning) Mum friends talk about how they got their baby to sleep through by ‘routine’ and putting them down drowsy but awake (ha) and how they’ve been on a road trip with their 10 month old. I just can’t do these things with my daughter.

I have stopped comparing DD with other babies. She is definitely one of a kind!

My youngest ds is 22 months now but was a rubbish sleeper until just a few weeks ago. I’ve found it a struggle being at home with him if I’m honest with myself. I had PND and counselling and was encouraged not to dwell on the negative aspects and to ‘big up’ the little achievements (I suppose in the same way you’re supposed to ignore naughty behaviour and praise the good) Sitting in a circle with a group of mums chatting about all the negatives would have brought me right back down and hindered my recovery.

I think you might need to address your PND.

I really feel for you op

@ginyogarepeat that bit about trading friends made me laugh. It’s sad that you couldn’t share your positive experiences with friends . They had each other to rant to so I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded hearing you out...but I guess your just being sensitive to what they are going through and I’m exactly the same . My DD has been an excellent talker speaking in full sentences for quite some time now. I have a few friends who have mentioned (briefly) there concern that there toddler isn’t talking yet.... now imagine if the next time I see them all I discuss is how brilliant my DD’s speech is! I would never . That’s why I’m a little confused at these people. They actually know what I’m going through . But going forward I will try and be less sensitive .

I know what you mean. Some mums only want to talk about how amazing their children are. Don't get me wrong, I like the occasional good news e.g. their child is now a black belt in Marshall arts or performed recently in a play. But constant made up boasts make me cringe. I avoid one dad on the school playground for this reason. His son is allegedly the best in the world in marshall arts and his daughter is talented in dance, cheerleading, drama and I forget the other. Cannot stand stealth boasts! My kids rolls their eyes! Another mum tells us how clever her child is constantly, turns out she needs extra support in maths and is a lower reading band to my daughter?! I genuinely don't get some people. Crazy people!

My neighbour is one of those mums. If you believed her, it's sounds as though her 3 year old and 5 year old are ready to start their masters any day now.
In reality, they're both spoil, screaming, tantrum kicking brats.

I know that sounds horrible, but having had them round for a few hours yesterday afternoon, I've had enough. They as good as tried to trash my house while their mother sat there beaming at her little angels and saying nothing.
When I told them to stop I was made to feel like I was being completely unreasonable.

*I agree with another poster it's worse when someone with an easy/easier baby starts complaining.

I've heard a number of times 'all children are difficult' in response to my struggles - so actually dismissive of my hard times*

But surely you're being dismissive of the hard times of those with an "easy" baby?

It's not a competition. Who decides at what point complaining about a situation is acceptable?

Everyone's struggles are individual. What one person may define as difficult, is just as difficult for them, as your take on difficult is for you. Those thresholds are going to be different. Almost like pain tolerance I guess. I could break an arm and you could stub a toe. Yes my break is painful but I'm not going to stop you complaining about how painful your stubbed toe is, because everyone has different limits.

Can't bear people like that! I absolutely hated maternity leave. I had a baby with severe CMPA and reflux who was in and out of hospital for the first 6 months of her life.
The second time around was better but for me it's just far too unfulfilling and boring. I need a purpose and need to use my brain. Each to their own but I suspect that people like you and I are just honest about our feelings obviously not to say that some people just enjoy being at home.
I find going to work makes me a much better and patient mum to my kids and I enjoy the time I spend with them much more because of it.

Sorry OP , my ds woke up, I pressed post to soon.

But going forward I will try and be less sensitive
Have you sought help for your pnd? I can’t recommend it enough.

Ds was poorly when he was tiny, for the first 5 months we had countless hospital appointments (at one point 3 a week) Then he required several invasive tests and procedures before being discharged from the paediatrician’s care.

Happy mum’s made me feel guilty and inadequate, and those mum’s who mentioned they were struggling made me (irrationally and wrongly) angry. If they complained their dc didn’t sleep, I wanted to point out that even when my ds did, I couldn’t because I was so worried about him. If they commented that their dcs were clingy & cried when put down, it would reduce me to tears. It felt so insensitive that they were complaining about that, knowing i’d had to literally pin my screaming 16 week old down while he had scan.

I saw a counsellor who encouraged me to celebrate the good, even if it was just a tiny thing. She told me to talk about every little positive, ‘big myself up’ I suppose! She also helped me to understand that other people’s stories were just that, their stories. Just as valid as mine, but actually irrelevant to me.

Sending you big hugs

I feel a bit sad whenever anyone talks about how amazing the newborn days are, because I did not enjoy every minute, or indeed very many of them.

It is clearly a lot about what kind of baby you get. It's also a lot about what kind of person you are, too - I'm always amazed when people go on about how great it is having a small baby because 'you can sit on the sofa watching box sets all day'. Unless I'm very ill, that's one of the most boring ways I can think of to spend a whole day, but apparently other people find it a rare treat. I absolutely hated being stuck under a baby all day, and much prefer it now that he is, in some ways, harder work, but it's more active work, iyswim? But that's a personality thing. I also suspect it's also about what you're used to. I'm going to get flamed for saying this, but while everyone loves to go on about the city lawyer who gave up her highflying career to be a SAHM because she just loved her children so much, that's not been what I've encountered. A lot of the women who go on about how they couldn't possibly work because being at home is so amazing turn out to have previous jobs that were tedious and pretty unskilled. It has got to be a lot less of a shock dealing with the tedium of a tiny baby if your alternative is unstimulating and very routine. It's hard to go from an intellectually engaging and fulfilling adult environment to spending almost all day with someone who doesn't talk.

Also, sleep is such a big part of it. We (quite reluctantly) sleep trained DS a month ago and he's slept through all but two nights since. I couldn't believe how much easier every aspect of life felt once I was getting decent sleep. The people I knew who had babies who slept through from a couple of months have, I now realise, been doing it on mega easy mode - no wonder I used to feel shit by comparison!