To hate being around mothers who talk about how amazing their baby’s is

[Forumqueen]

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice that people enjoy their children. But I’m pretty sure I had PND I’ve come through it now my daughter is 2 I’ve always been honest with pretty much all my friends/ family who have children that I struggled with being bored at home during maternity leave and how difficult a high needs my baby was ect.

She’s our first so I was quite overwhelmed from the start. Anyway I was at a family bbq yesterday and as you do you get talking to Mother’s who have babies and they all can’t wait to tell me how amazing their baby is and how much they love being at home . How they are dreading going back to work and how easy and settled their child is. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive almost like their rubbing it in my face as to just how much of a failure I was with my baby (they know my struggles) I just feel so alone!

I sometimes say stuff like this if I'm having a hard time. I'm trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm ok, even if I'm screaming inside. I find it hard to open up to other mums and I hate to come across like a whinger. I don't always feel this way, sometimes I'm perfectly happy and getting along fine, but at the times when I'm low it seems like all the other mums are doing great and having it all, and I have to be feeling great too in order to fit in. I hate the thought of people feeling sorry for me or knowing my business. I have low self-esteem and I feel like I'm being a bad mother if I'm not happy all the time (I know this is stupid but it's hard to break these thought patterns).

I'm not saying that everyone is like this, but I'm willing to bet that at least some of those mum's who are telling you how great it is being at home with the baby are really thinking "oh my god you seem to be finding this all so easy, please don't notice how much I'm struggling and what a rubbish mum I am"

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo Thank you so much for your post. I didn’t get help for my PND, I feel like I have come through the worst of it now. And I’m more positive in general, certain things just bring back the bad memories of what I went through that first year at home. Almost like I have been robbed of that magical experience.

It is also weird how groups get their own dynamics in this way. I was v lucky that my antenatal group had a very honest 'gosh, this is quite hard sometimes isn't it?' vibe and while we shared pride over milestones etc we also talked a lot about problems. It was a real shock the first time I went to a baby group with a very different vibe - DS was apparently the only one there who didn't sleep through the night, where we had some challenges with weaning, etc, and people started demanding exactly when he'd rolled, crawled, etc so they could compare - it was really weird. If that had been my only place to socialise with other mums I'd have been made really miserable by it, I think.

How do you know if someone else has an easy baby or not? A parent may have a baby that has woken two hourly for 6 months and that they can never put down, but if it is normal for them then they may never mention it. Just because they are not complaining about their baby doesn't mean they have an easy baby.

It would get me down to be around someone who was always complaining, after an odd difficult night sure, but I would avoid talking to another parent who was always focused on the negatives.

It would get me down to be around someone who was always complaining, after an odd difficult night sure, but I would avoid talking to another parent who was always focused on the negatives.

I think there's a way of talking that's neither moaning nor 'oh it's the most wonderful thing ever' - I think that's what happened quite well in my antenatal group. I guess it was just quite matter of fact, with a lot of humour, so it didn't feel either miserable or smug.

Personally, I think the 'I can't believe I made the most perfect baby ever' moments are for sharing with other people who also love your child - their father, grandparents, etc.

I pretty much hated the first six months. Felt like I had no friends and was stuck in a time loop where every day was the same and like I'd completely lost my identity.

NewAccount270219 Yes, I don't mind the matter of fact parents at all, it's the ones who seem to be competing for having the most difficult baby, when other parents are just accepting that that's just how it is when you have a baby.

Forumqueen - I know what you mean about feeling robbed of a magical experience. I'm a SAHM but I'm definitely not great at the task of 'sit down on the floor and play with baby/toddler for hours'. I instead focus on what I'm good at - endless reading, making up stories, planning activities, eating healthy food. i also found it hard to hear about how much some people loved it, when in reality I found certain periods hard and depressing. IME things will change or reveal themselves as the children get older. Some people genuinely love little kids and babies. Some can only view what is going on as 'perfect' which I've seen hasn't been great for their kids (children keeping problems to themselves). When I've found it hard to hear about how much people love singing nursery rhymes I always ask myself why are they doing that, or sharing that information with me.

Overall I feel really proud of myself I kept going through the hard days, it's proof for how much you love your child. It's ok to have gaps (we all do).

NewAccount270219 - I'm with you that it's very hard to give up a stimulating job to becoming a SAHM. But, ouch! Most SAHM's I know (including myself) had satisfying professional careers often with many years of training.

Almost like I have been robbed of that magical experience.

I can relate to this so much Forumqueen (and it was a huge factor in deciding to be a SAHM, if I’m honest) I spent the first 5.5 months so exhausted/worried/feeling like a failure that now I’m really sad that I missed out.

You are much braver than me though. I never talked openly about how hard I was finding it (probably added to the way you described feeling in your op to be truthful). If someone asked I plastered on a smile and said ‘obviously we’re anxious over his health, but it’s great, best thing ever) I couldn’t bear the thought of people knowing the reality. I truly believed that if I’d admitted how I truly felt, the fear I was feeling I would have had a breakdown. You should be so proud of yourself for overcoming your what you have.

That's bollocks in my experience @NewAccount270219 . Most SAHMs I know were in professional jobs previously.

I also was (was actually studying for a Masters at the time related to my area of work) but returned PT. Also absolutely nothing to do with getting to sit and watch boxsets (do women actually get to do much of this during maternity leave?!). I could also think of little worse, but absolutely love being outdoors and walking, exploring, and was able to do lots of this.

It's a matter of outlook I think in a lot of cases (PND is obviously an exception). I saw it as a small window of time in my life and wanted to make the most of it. Fuck all to do with watching tv (incredibly patronising viewpoint) and having a low skilled job.

It would also help if more viewed motherhood as the full time job it is, and caring for the vulnerable was valued properly, but that's highly unlikely in our patriarchal capitalist society.....

Thanks everyone for you replies! A special thank you for those of you who said U cal relate to how I feel I’m a very open and honest person as is my DH. So when anyone asks me about how I’m feeling I just tell the truth. I can understand why some people would gloss over how that feel though and say everything is positive when it might not be. No one really wants to admit they are struggling especially as a mother.

A lot of the women who go on about how they couldn't possibly work because being at home is so amazing turn out to have previous jobs that were tedious and pretty unskilled

Or maybe they're just the ones that can justify staying home. I LOVE being home with my DC's (much as they drive me bonkers), but as the main earner in a senior job, me staying home is far too much of a financial hit.

I don't like the assumption by so many of the posters on this thread that mothers who say that their baby is easy or they love it at home are dishonest, or maybe a bit dull. I find running really hard and it makes me miserable, I doesn't mean I assume everyone who finds it easy, or hard but joyful, is lying.

I've stopped meeting with my NCT because I can't stand the comparison. Child also coming up to age 2 - lots of medical issues, high needs, late walker, food refuse. I had PND/PNA.
Yes we had a particularly tough time, but also I think that some of the pangloss on other people's accounts or early motherhood beggars belief. Can't stand it.
Glad things are looking up for you and your little one. It is HARD.

Just wait until they have tantrumming toddlers while yours is as good as gold. Or they're nightmare teenagers when yours never crosses you. Etc etc. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and just because you found one part hard doesn't mean you'll find everything hard. For what it's worth, I hated pretty much every minute of my daughter's first six months!

I struggled when my DD was born two years ago, the adjustment hit me like nothing I'd experienced before! One thing that did get me through was going out everyday but I was lucky that I did NCT, had a retired mum and sister and sister in law at different stages of their mat leave then worked part time. I love having a toddler now and feel this is where my parent strength lies....not with a newborn 😂.

To the person that said chances are their DC wont settle as well in nursery this is complete crap. I loved being off after that initial stage so if I fall into that group of 'mums'. My DD settled into nursery after a minute and since at another nursery as we moved. It makes no difference, we were just lucky.

Your comment is just as bad and complete rubbish.

After my crippling PND with DS1 and having DS2 during a very stressful time, I’m enjoying basking in DS3’s babyhood. I don’t talk about my PND much because it still makes me upset when I dwell on it.

Some people will have had long and difficult journeys to parenthood and it can make you extremely sensitive to listening to people about their kids; what you might think is “just being honest” can be perceived as ungrateful.

The attitude that if you've struggled to have children you should feel nothing but total gratitude to have them is why PND is higher, not lower, in women who had IVF or previous miscarriages. Of course it's awful to talk about the struggles of children in front of people currently going through fertility issues (though they also don't want to hear about how completely mind-blowingly amazing it is!), but that's a bit different to talking to other parents.

Them saying they are going back to Work When they don't really want to is a problem and source of anxiety for them. How is that being smug or saying life is perfect? It's not! It's the struggle of a working parent. Perhaps it's a different struggle to yours, but it's still stressful for them. It's not a competition re who's baby is the worst or who has pnd or who is dealing with return to work.
You want people to show you empathy, yet you have none for them.

I've found it's the other way around... it seems a competition between who is having the harder time "My baby only sleeps for one hour" "Well mine has horrendous collic" -- I've got an easy going baby and I just sit there as I feel like I can't say it's going really well !

This annoys me to. I still cant work out if everyone else is lying or is just a better parent than me!

They are presenting the rose tinted view...

My baby slept through from 6 weeks = we went to bed at midnight and got up at 5am.

He was toilet trained at 18m = i put him in pants and spent 18m washing soiled clothing and bedding, but he occasionally hit the potty I followed him round with.

Some people don’t want to admit how hard it is. Some do have it easy, obviously, but others feel the need to present a version to show how good a parent they are/how marvellous their baby is. It’s normal and natural.

Btw I had a very high needs baby. I spent three years with her velcroed to me thinking that at least the chances of autistic spectrum were lower because I’d read a study somewhere that autistic babies were often “easy” as they don’t seek the physical and social contact. Whether I was right or wrong, i felt the need to find some positive, iyswim? Especially with people telling me I needed to “teach her independence”, i was making a rod for my own back etc etc- i was too tired for any of that and tbh my git feeling was trying to actively emotionally detach a baby from it’s parent wasn’t a healthy thing to do.

Anyway she’s a pre teen now and hasn’t wanted to be carried everywhere and cuddled to sleep for a while now...

I know someone who boasted about how her prodigy slept through at 2 days and was holding her head up at 1.5 weeks! Now at 4 months she sleeps 12 hours a night, has three naps during the day and is great at standing up for long periods holding the parents hands! Seriously? Is that even possible? I hope my baby is like that!

@StarSpangledAnna, My DS was doing alot of that at those times too, well, except the sleeping part, he was an atrocious sleeper, think 45 minutes at a time. At 4 months he was taking 3 naps a day, but only because he'd been up most of the night and I broke my back walking him in the sling several times a day to make sure he'd sleep.

My DH and I joke he was so good at head control and standing up because he'd had so much more awake time to practice. I'd have rather had the sleep tbh!

Last night I ended up crumpled into a ball crying my heart out on the floor because I couldn't cope with my kids behaviour anymore. My husband didn't bother comforting me the kids just ran past me and wasn't phased at all. I felt like a massive failure and that I'd failed them because everyone I know seems to have such a good hold on parenting so why is mine failing?
It was only when I sorted myself out I realised I'd been to soft on them trying and giving up straight away because nothing has worked. But this time I will carry on with my methods of sorting out their behaviour.

What I'm saying op is that so many people lie about their kids behaviour and I don't know why,
my friends post all these lovely updates on Facebook but when I phone them and speak to them they tell me how awful the day was and how hard it was.