To hate being around mothers who talk about how amazing their baby’s is

[Forumqueen]

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice that people enjoy their children. But I’m pretty sure I had PND I’ve come through it now my daughter is 2 I’ve always been honest with pretty much all my friends/ family who have children that I struggled with being bored at home during maternity leave and how difficult a high needs my baby was ect.

She’s our first so I was quite overwhelmed from the start. Anyway I was at a family bbq yesterday and as you do you get talking to Mother’s who have babies and they all can’t wait to tell me how amazing their baby is and how much they love being at home . How they are dreading going back to work and how easy and settled their child is. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive almost like their rubbing it in my face as to just how much of a failure I was with my baby (they know my struggles) I just feel so alone!

So you openly talk about how hard you are finding it but you expect others who are enjoying it to shut up?

Have you read the thread??

It sounds like you are open about how much of a struggle you found things and they are open about how much they have enjoyed it. Neither of you are in the wrong and neither of you have feelings that are a priority over each other; it’s just you have had different experiences.

I’ve always found the first year very easy but the toddler and preschool stage much more challenging. We’re all different though as some find it the other way round, some find all of it easy and others all of difficult. There is no right or wrong.

Do they react like this after you've told them you're struggling? If so, they are unreasonable and cruel and I was like you at this stage.

Its weird that just because some people struggle that you don't believe that others don't. Not you OP but some PPs saying it's bollocks.

I love being at home with my children, I wouldn't say they're amazing behaved all the time but I find it easier and much prefer to working.

I'm rubbish at lots of things, ie driving, accounts, art... but I don't not believe others who say they find that stuff easy!! Strange attitude.

OP I felt like you, and most of my close friends were the same!
We put it down to many of my close circle having kids relatively late, so we were adults with lives we had to get used to giving up/or we're more tired/or we are just selfish
I also had PND.
Please don't feel unusual

I don’t understand why it is so acceptable to discuss how difficult having a baby is, it’s been made fashionable almost by ‘mummy bloggers’ Why is it so hard to believe that many women adore being at home with their baby, and are so in love that all they think about is their baby- and therefore they don’t have much else to talk about. I struggled mentally with my first, and told people. This time I have told people how wonderful it has been whilst acknowledging that last time was a struggle.

Just be happy for your friends, and know that just because it was hard last time does not mean you were failing, just that things weren’t how you imagined.

I wonder what these mums think of you OP. You've had PND and have been open about it. It's quite possible that your openness has helped them to secretly seek help. Family situations are so fraught with politics, it's only like showing that old rose tinted view to the world on social media - everyone can manage a wonderful second's worth of photographic loveliness in a day.
If you were at my family bbq, I would probably go home thinking how awesome you were for suffering, but still caring for a child and still making it to the bbq, with an added side of admiration for your openness, particularly in front of others who you perceive to have a much happier or easier time. Sometimes people struggle to find the words to express this in person, or are embarrassed to speak of depression.
Regardless of anything, everyone's journey is different and there's often things happening that you know nothing about. I hope that despite the difficulties, you can look at your own journey and love it because it is yours. I also hope that you have plenty of love and support from people who have perhaps less filtered outlooks or similar experiences to you. It's not a competition, sometimes it's only about survival, but when that part has passed, it's about savouring the good bits and letting go of the bad bits. But there's no shame in admitting when you're in survival mode.

I've had both sides. DS is now 7.5 months old, and he is great, fun to be around, interactive, can play on his own for a little while if I'm supervising but doing other things, like writing a shopping list or preparing a very simple lunch. I'm going back to work 3 days a week in july.

However, if you'd told me 7 weeks ago this is how things would be I'd have laughed in your face. He was miserable, needed me 24/7 attention wise, grumpy, sleep deprived. But once we sorted out his sleep its been a different life. I know not everyone will have the same experience, but I'm not dreading going back to work only because I'm going back part time and still get to spend time with my DS.

OP I found that within my social groups that there were those mums that always said everything was great, regardless, and those that talked more openly about the challenges both large and small. I am still friends with those that were more willing to have honest conversations and don't see the others now because there was no point as there was no substance to our interactions.

I sometimes wonder if the 'everything is fine' mums just found it easier to get on with things by saying this to themselves constantly - things certainly weren't always fine, we got glimpses and then the smile got plastered on again.

You will find people you can relate to better than others and these people will become your friends and supporters - the rest, stick with superficial conversations and try not to let it bother you

I think as a few others have said they're just trying to make conversation. My baby was great behaviourwise but I struggled emotionally after a traumatic delivery and there are certain topics that I just tune out of.
I try to keep it light with baby chat and if other parents are going on a bit I change the subject and just ask about their genuine lives . A few friends and relatives have babies the same age as mine and as I don't have a huge amount of mummy friends I sometimes use the time to ask if they have any tips for bedtime/weaning/playing etc if I'm finding a certain area tricky. At the end of the day there's more to life than chatting kids :)

Like a pp I've had tricky times with babies and wonderfully easy ones. I disagree with pps who suggest the other mothers are lying, and I also don't see why 2 years after your baby, they're not allowed to share their happy feelings about their new babies.

Pnd is awful, and it sounds like maybe you haven't had the opportunity to process yours. Have you talked to a counsellor? Could you still be depressed? You deserve support too.

People lie. Facebook is a classic example. I left a friend the other day crying about her prick or a husband. The next minute I see she’s posting all sorts of rubbish on Facebook #happyfamilies #blessed. I laughed out loud. It’s a total joke.

Do you expect them to lie about it?

I get asked how I'm getting on by various people. In all honesty, so far (I'm very aware it may and probably will change!) my baby has been incredibly easy. Should I lie to spare other people's feelings and say I'm having an awful time when they ask?

To be fair I've actually found the opposite to you OP. I've found amongst friends I can't mention I'm tired that day as someone else has to be more tired. I can't say I don't have time to do X Y Z as someone else has less time than I do...

Every baby and every mum is different and they'll all have a different story to tell. Some of those will be better than your individual story, and some will be worse. That's life.

I admire you for being open about yours but remember that those mums who adore being at home will find it much harder returning to work, chances are their DC wont settle as well in nursery and they'll have other problems
Umm...what? How can you possibly say it will be that way for mums who are getting on fine? Telling yourself (or OP) that might make you feel better, but the message it sends to mums currently at home and getting on fine is “well, you’d better enjoy it because the next part will definitely be shit”

It doesn't sound as though you like these women very much that you would prefer for them to be unhappy. That's a shame, but probably it's better to just find different friends who you can gel better with.

All the newish mums I know have some struggles and some aspects they love. They don't talk only about negatives nor only about positives, but I suppose it's more usual to focus on the positives and funny aspects when you're at a party, then save the negatives for chats over a coffee. It could be that they want to keep up their own mood at the party as well as everyone else's because being positive can in itself be cheering, and because real life isn't binary in being all great nor all awful there are always some good things to say. Perhaps if you saw these women in more private settings then you would get a more rounded view in getting their problems too.

Some people don’t like sharing about their struggles, and focus on the positives when they’re with other people. I think I was more like that. I didn’t pretend as such (I admitted to being shattered!), but I didn’t want to admit how hard it was at times.

But this was because my DDs were adopted. When you have to jump through so many hoops to have your children, everyone likes to talk about how wonderful it is now they have come to live with you. That makes it very hard to say, ‘Well actually, it’s a bit of a struggle right now.’

I suspect it’s similar for mums who had to go through years of fertility treatment, too. (I went through this without success, so I know how gruelling that is, too.)

Some babies are easy though? My second has been a dream and I have found it really easy this time around. If I couldn't talk about that I'd have nothing to say about her!

Not all of them are lying or forgetting. Some love the experience and there is nothing wrong with that. I think that you are being oversensitive.

Just to clarify I don’t want anyone to struggle or lie. I have friends with babies who I haven’t discussed my struggles with and obviously when they talk about how perfect motherhood is I still feel a lil alone but I know that they don’t know how I feel. Whereas the people who do know how I feel and Harper on and on about how perfect life is to me just feel a lil insensitive . I would never tell them to shut up or be rude to them. Just trying to explain how it makes me feel.

I think a lot is just attitudes and expectations rather than exaggeration or lying. I expected to be breastfeeding 24/7 for some time, for example. DS was breastfeeding 2-3 hourly 24/7 at 6 months, but I wouldn't have mentioned this to another mum as it was normal for me. If asked, I wouldn't have been negative about it. I might have mentioned that DS was crawling because that was new and exciting for me.

As others have already said, all parents have massive highs and agonising lows but it is human nature to focus on the highs when out in company.

It is also worth considering that how much a parent is enjoying the experience is not necessarily a measure of how good their parenting is. You can be stressed or low and still be doing a brilliant job at being a parent.

Ah it does my head in. I’ve got one friend who brings her LO around for a play date every now and then and it’s like the bloody perfect mother and baby show. My DC get ignored while she just goes on “Aww look she’s playing with the ball” and making her do “tricks” the WHOLE TIME telling me how well she’s slept and how she’s so brave through her teething. The conversation gets interrupted by an outburst every time her dd picks up a toy or cruises or anything just to show how wonderful she is even though it’s the most simple thing.

All this when I’ve had about 3 hours total sleep the night before with my refluxy teething baby

@Forumqueen - I totally get you. My DD is 8 months old and I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I take her to groups and all her needs are met but I don't feel like I have the overwhelming desire to be with her.

I've mentioned to a couple of my friends how awful I feel and how guilty I am. It's usually followed up with tales of how they can't imagine spending a minute away from their child.

I don't want them to be unhappy and am glad their child has a parent who clearly loves them, it just makes me feel even worse about my own situation.

I think mum's often talk like this to boost their morale. Don'tvtake it personally. We are all different. Some people are earth mothers ( not ne) and others miss theirvold life. Just silently eye roll when the gushing gets too much.