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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate being around mothers who talk about how amazing their baby’s is

105 replies

Forumqueen · 28/04/2019 08:43

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice that people enjoy their children. But I’m pretty sure I had PND I’ve come through it now my daughter is 2 I’ve always been honest with pretty much all my friends/ family who have children that I struggled with being bored at home during maternity leave and how difficult a high needs my baby was ect.

She’s our first so I was quite overwhelmed from the start. Anyway I was at a family bbq yesterday and as you do you get talking to Mother’s who have babies and they all can’t wait to tell me how amazing their baby is and how much they love being at home . How they are dreading going back to work and how easy and settled their child is. AIBU to think this is a little insensitive almost like their rubbing it in my face as to just how much of a failure I was with my baby (they know my struggles) I just feel so alone!

OP posts:
Sickysick · 28/04/2019 08:48

Everyone has their struggles. I admire you for being open about yours but remember that those mums who adore being at home will find it much harder returning to work, chances are their DC wont settle as well in nursery and they'll have other problems. No one, despite what they say, enjoys parenthood all the time. Other people just aren't so open about it.

BillywilliamV · 28/04/2019 08:51

But you do know they are talking bollocks don’t you?
My reaction to people like this is always to exaggerate how awful my kids are until they sound like juvenile delinquents with developmental issues; so that I only go to work to get away from them.
Secretly I feel about sorry for Mums who have to beef their mothering up to feel good about themselves. The only people you should boast about your DC to, are their Grandparents, as they are genuinely the only people that care!
People do tend to be pleasantly surprised when they do meet my polite, clever, articulate DDs though.

Petalflowers · 28/04/2019 08:52

Maybe they don’t know how hard you had it, or have forgotten. Maybe they are putting on a brave face. No one likes to admit that things aren’t easy.

I’m sorry you have found it hard, but they haven’t done anything wrong about talking about their babies.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/04/2019 08:56

This annoys me to. I still cant work out if everyone else is lying or is just a better parent than me! I didn't have pnd but did find both children a huge adjustment and struggled especially in the first 6 months, and still think there are lots of awful times with the great times. I am just carrying on being honest in the hope someone else one day will tell me the same and I wont feel so left out!

Original poster
Forumqueen · 28/04/2019 08:56

Thanks for your replies everyone. I genuinely don’t like to see anyone struggle.. I just feel like an alien compared to everyone else. Like I’m the only one. Perhaps they are exaggerating but that to me is so much worse like they purposely want to let me know they are doing better. They definitely haven’t forgotten that I struggle! I had a very open heart to Heart with one In particular.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forumqueen · 28/04/2019 08:57

@amiright that’s kind of my hope that’s why I’m open and honest as I know how horrible it can feel!

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HumphreyCobblers · 28/04/2019 09:00

They have probably forgotten your struggles and are just being honest about their own experience.

I do sympathise though, I had to stop going to baby groups when I had my third child, who has significant SN. I really started to think that people were rubbing my face in the fact that they could enjoy their NT children without stress or anxiety whilst I had so much of both with dc3.

I realised it was my problem not theirs in the end, people are mostly just getting on with their own lives.

birdonawire1 · 28/04/2019 09:04

I'm sorry that you had a difficult time, but life isn't just about you. Do you expect these other mums to not talk about their lives to each other just because you are present? One to one I would expect a little more sensitivity, but in a family gathering they are entitled to express their feelings, just as you have in the past.

Your DD is older now so they probably think you are over the experience and are moving forward.

I also think it's ridiculous of others here to suggest that it's impossible to enjoy being at home with your baby, and it's all an act. Of course the sleepless nights and so on are universal and difficult, but I personally loved being with my second 'easy' baby and delighted in her development,

ThorosOfMyr · 28/04/2019 09:05

Hate to break it to you but it doesn't stop as they grow. I just inwardly roll my eyes but smile and nod.

Aozora13 · 28/04/2019 09:06

It’s hard to tell without being there if they’re smug bastards, being insensitive, overcompensating or genuinely just really enjoying their baby and actually dreading going back to work.

But I can see why you might feel extra sensitive about it. There’s so much pressure around the picture-perfect motherhood it’s easy to feel resentful of people who seem to be nailing it no problem when your reality is v different. My first DC was a non-napping non-put-downable hourly-bf type and frankly going back to work was a welcome relief!

Original poster
Forumqueen · 28/04/2019 09:06

@birdonawire it’s always one to one though!! And no of course I don’t expect them to not talk about their children. Just explaining how’s it feels when they do.

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ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 28/04/2019 09:08

All they're doing is talking about their lives, as people do. Currently the majority of their lives involve being with their babies so naturally that's a big part of their conversation. It's really not about you at all.

Maybe you're seeing it in this negative light because your suspected PND was never addressed? It's understandable that you mentally compare their experience with yours but they're not inside your head, no one is deliberately making you feel bad.

Original poster
Forumqueen · 28/04/2019 09:10

Yh I guess maybe I’m being a little unreasonable then. I just feel so alone . But obviously that’s not their fault.

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xtinak · 28/04/2019 09:12

I don't know if they are telling the truth or not but for sure you are not alone. PND affects 1 in 8 I think and lots of people struggle at some level. I think it's great you are being honest about your experience. I'm grateful when people are! You do you!

DuffBeer · 28/04/2019 09:13

I really struggled too, in fact I was probably too honest and straight talking about how shit I found everything in the early days. I'm sure I got more than a few raised eyebrows from friends and family!

When you're feeling low, the last thing you want to hear is somebody waxing lyrical about something that you feel you're failing at yourself.

However, I do believe that there are some people who genuinely love being mothers, who have 'easy' babies, get lots of rest, have help etc. They should be able to say how great things are, just as those of us struggling should be able to talk freely about it too.

Petalflowers · 28/04/2019 09:16

You are definantly not alone. Unfortunately, it’s not the done thing to say that having a baby is difficult, and everything is meant to be glossy and sunny. I imagine there’s more people in your situation then you imagine.

It’s not too late to speak to someone about how you feel (or felt). Maybe speak to gp and get some counselling. Or look online for a support group and speak to them.

I didn’t find having a young baby easy but found it easier as he grew up. I also think some people are suited to different ages, , some love the baby stage, others don’t.

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2019 09:18

If they really know exactly how hard it was for you, then they’ extremely insensitive at the very least to be going on about how wonderful they’re finding it. But it’s possible they don’t realise just how hard it was for you, as they weren’t really listening. That one friend you spoke to honestly sounds really insensitive, however, and it might help to speak to her directly about how she makes you feel.

It’s also possible, though, that they’re protesting too much and it’s not as easy as they’re making out.

There’s also a lot of competitive one-upmanship that goes on between mums and I’m afraid it doesn’t go away. As their DC become toddlers, you’ll be hearing how their 18 month old is out of nappies and able to use the potty. (The reality being that they put the said 18 month old on the potty every 10 minutes.)

You get the picture. Of course it’s ridiculous. But you’ll have to decide whether to put up with it or not. FWIW, it sounds as if you’ve done really well to have come through what you did and it’s so much better to be honest about how things really are, because that is honestly the reality for a lot of us. Flowers

HalyardHitch · 28/04/2019 09:19

O, I really feel for you. Honestly though, people just have different experiences or see things through different lenses. Just because you had s hard adjustment it doesn't mean you're doing a bad job.

I'm always aware about how I come across. I have two close together and am home with them during the day (enabled by me working evenings). We've had it tough with with eldest and his ongoing health issues but I've really enjoyed my time with the boys (apart from the really horrible times when I had a six month old and 18 month old screaming constantly at me, for example).

If I talk about positive stuff, it wouldn't be with the intention of being insensitive or to make you feel rubbish. It's just how I feel and how I'm experiencing things. I'd have to not talk. Plus I don't talk negatively about my children around my children as I don't believe they need to know that I think they're little buggers Grin

I'm sure people aren't trying to make you feel crap.

Everydayimhuffling · 28/04/2019 09:24

They aren't having a nice time at you. I've been surprised by how much I love being at home with the baby, having expected to find it very difficult and boring. I'm sure a different stage will turn out to be the hard one for me instead! I tell people (when they ask) because I'm being honest, as they were about whatever their experience was.

LadyRannaldini · 28/04/2019 09:24

Competative parenting, the next Olympic event! Work on the principle that most of it is utter rubbish, especially from the mothers, fathers are far more realistic and honest. A friend described their journey back to the UK from Germany, their children sat nicely in the car, read, played quiet games and slept, they had a very smooth crossing and were among the first cars off the ferry. Her hisband later said that the children had argued fought and screamed all the way to the ferry, the crossing was horrendous and they had got stuck behind a car that wouldn't start so didn't get off for an hour! As we had been on a crossing the same day we knew exactly how bad the weather had been!

toucantoo · 28/04/2019 09:26

So you openly talk about how hard you are finding it but you expect others who are enjoying it to shut up? That's weird. I struggled like mad with my first two but was floating around with a ridiculous grin of pure joy with my third. It can genuinely be a wonderful time as much as it can be a tough time. I've had both.

Flamingosnbears · 28/04/2019 09:28

Every percent gets stressed and overwhelmed from time to time it's a fact just let it go over your shoulders as we all know the truth...

Flamingosnbears · 28/04/2019 09:29

Perent

Original poster
Forumqueen · 28/04/2019 09:29

Thanks for all your replies everyone it’s really helping to see it from other angles! Thanks for your kinda words @lizzie48 .

I think a few of u have hit the nail on the head when you say they are just discussing their positives... maybe not everyone likes to talk about hardships!! Maybe I should focus on the good times even though there weren’t as many as I would have hoped.

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Bambamber · 28/04/2019 09:29

But having an easy baby doesn't mean you have succeeded at being a parent, likewise having a more challenging baby doesn't mean you have failed. It's pot luck.