To wonder what happens when your boyfriend asks your father for your hand...

[PumpkinLatteMyArse]

And then he says no?

Do adults just not get married then?

I wouldn't take it that seriously.

He isn't really asking for permission or agreement is he?

Just unthinkingly paying lip service to a perceived traditional or "proper" way of doing things.

There is no deeper meaning here IMO. Anymore than you can infer that if a wife takes his surname then she sees herself as some sort of adjunct or unequal.

Do they get married anyway and it is was only done because of tradition (and if so, what's the point?

Yep that's about it. It's a tradition. No different from all those other cheesy wedding traditions like when the priest asks " who gives this woman ?" or the whole "bucks / hens" thing , throwing the bouquet, etc. Just traditions and you can do them or not .

To wonder what happens when your boyfriend asks your father for your hand?

Worry that they're cooking up a scheme to sell body parts?

Start wondering if you've got leprosy?

”I was just wondering why you chose your Father to "accompany" you down the aisle ?”

I think I’ve already answered that. I was 22 and it was 21 years ago and I wouldn’t have felt confident enough to do anything other than what was expected. I certainly wouldn’t have had any “giving away” nonsense though.

”If you would not want to take your DH name after marriage, do you see it as keeping your fathers name ?”

It would have been keeping my name, which came from my father.

”I think it is each to their own with regards to a keeping your name, I don't see it as being a possession by taking my DH name but I'm just wondering how you view your surname as that was only given to you from a man”

The key is “given to you”. Which surname I was given was a decision that was made by my parents in 1976, not by me. The decision I made was 22 years later about whether to keep it or exchange it for my husband’s surname.

There is no deeper meaning here IMO. Anymore than you can infer that if a wife takes his surname then she sees herself as some sort of adjunct or unequal.

Exactly this, people need to loosen up and realise its just seen as a tradition. If we are going to be over sensitive than logically we shouldnt get married either because the history of marriage is sexist therefore the tradition still is oh and i am assuming nobody wore white on their wedding day? You do know that means you are "pure" for your man? Also a wedding ring on a woman used to be worn as a sign of ownership- so we should do away with those too.

”I imagine those against marital traditions such as not taking their dh's name, having their father walk them down the aisle or not agreeing with asking for blessings have had their names legally changed as soon as they could?”

Do you? What do you imagine we’ve all changed our names to? Princess Consuela Bananahammock?

Do you? What do you imagine we’ve all changed our names to? Princess Consuela Bananahammock?

Well, thats exactly my point! Its a ridiculous notion to keep shouting "sexist!" At one marital tradition but then follow another. If you refuse to "take a mans name" than you wouldnt keep your maiden name if it were your fathers as that wasnt you choice and it was "forced on you". Obviously this is an ott example.

”If you refuse to "take a mans name" than you wouldnt keep your maiden name if it were your fathers as that wasnt you choice and it was "forced on you”.”

Why wouldn’t I keep it? It wasn’t my choice, it’s the name I was given. Whether to take another man’s name as an adult is my choice though.

You really think everyone should choose their own name? I should just flick the pages of the phone book and plonk my finger down and go with that? Just because I didn’t get to choose what name I got given at birth?

It’s your birth surname, Greyt. You know, the same as the birth surname it seldom occurs to men to change when they marry.

You've got to laugh at the militant feminists fighting this on here.

You might have to - possibly not as much as we are pitying those who believe that not wanting to be passed from the ownership of one man to the next like a chattel equates with "militant feminism".

I find it odd and sexist but I also find the whole proposal thing odd and sexist. Especially when it’s some covert operation for months - the woman unsuspecting but hopefully desperate to marry the man (but of course she can’t bring it up), the man procuring a ring and deciding when and where to do it and deciding on a holiday. Basically, he just decides when he’s ready.

Boyfriends who ask fathers for permission to marry get dumped by the daughter for being raging sexists.

This!

I'd be very if my boyfriend thought that was appropriate.

(As it is, I proposed to DH, kind of, so it's all rather moot!)

If we are going to be over sensitive than logically we shouldnt get married either because the history of marriage is sexist therefore the tradition still isoh and i am assuming nobody wore white on their wedding day? You do know that means you are "pure" for your man? Also a wedding ring on a woman used to be worn as a sign of ownership- so we should do away with those too.

Is marriage itself sexist? Not really, it's a legal agreement, that both parties should check is mutually beneficial. No, I didnt wear white. I never wear white anyway. Too clumsy and end up dirty in 5 mins. Pretty sure exh knew I wasnt a virgin, as I had been having sex with him, anyway. So white wasnt a big decision for me. Men also wear wedding rings now. I wouldn't wear one, if each had refused.

I dont have my fathers name or exhs name. As I said earlier.

But asking permission is asking permission. Its cant be tweaked. You can have a converstation or ask for their blessing. But going and asking for their permission or blessing to propose, is treating your partner like she is owned by her father and wont be allowed to make that decision for themseleves unless their father agrees first.

Personally, I think if you are going to someone to ask them for their opinion, blessing or permission but just paying lip service and going to do what you want anyway, that's pretty shitty in itself.

As I said it's my opinion, that that the decision should be between the 2 people. If, as woman, I wanted to ask my parents what they think I would want to have that discussion with them myself.

@nannyplummyarse
The utter nonsensicality of this has given me a giggle on a Sunday morning! You are part sperm so a man owns you. Did you actually mean this or have you made a mistake....

Well I'm sorry to burst your bubble but you got here from a mans ball sack. Fight it all you want but you are kind of owned

Cookit I agree. Though in real life I dont know one woman who hasnt had the converstation with their partner regarding getting married before hand.

But then everyone pretends it's this huge surprise.

I find it even weirder, when women post in mn complaining their dp hasnt proposed. When someone asked if she would propose its 'oh no, he is very traditional', except they have 4 kids and been living together 15 years. So not that traditional to get married before having kids, but traditional enough to not want the woman to ruin things by proposing.

On these particular threads, I think the woman doesnt feel loved and wants the big grand gesture.

It is your “birth name” yes, but still, in most cases in the UK, a child automatically inherits the father’s name. Not the mother’s. So in that sense, it’s a patriarchal tradition, just as much as taking your husband’s name. I don’t see the difference.

God, there are some underthinkers on the thread

They terrify me Bulb.

Pa1oma, the difference is that men are not encouraged to see their birth surnames as temporary starter/ ‘maiden’/little boy names, to be exchanged arbitrarily for the birth surname of the woman they are marrying.

Hopefully that will change and we will see more kids being given the mothers name, where the parents surname are different.

For me, my parents married in the 70s. Mum wanted to keep her name but was worried about what others thought. In reality my dad would have cared. He didnt even blink when I changed my name, to my nanas maiden name. He had been very I'll when was younger, so not around as much. Mum kept getting married and changing my name, though never legally. My nanas family looked after me so it made sense to dad that I changed it to theirs. Rather than one of the ones I had, had for a years at a time.

As I said, i have never been attached to surname, due to circumstances. However, I do think if you have always had something since birth ots equally yours, even if it came from you father. It would be that different if it came from your mother.

I mean we dont tell people their first name isnt really 'their' name as they didnt pick it themseleves.

@flowery and @theBulb you seem to not realise my examples were purposely over the top and obviously i dont expect everyone to change their names for a brand new one. I was merely making a point about the hypocrisy on this thread.

@Flowery - you could have changed your surname to double barrel your mother’s and father’s name.

I do agree with @grey that it’s a bit odd to be so against a ‘conversation’ (which in very few cases in UK is actually about ownership/restriction of women) but be ok with changing names to husband’s. It’s also nice for those marrying into a family who are actively against men asking permission to show that respect to in laws too.

I didn't ask for permission but I did ask her Mother AND Father for their approval/blessing. Like most acts of chivalry its not about power/misogyny but about respect, IMHO.

Oh and it's not the changing of the surname. It's the fact that it's never expected of men. I know 2 men who took their wives names

Dbro did because he also had lots of surnames and wanted to never use any of them. It was like a fresh start.

The second had a surname that was essentially an insult. He was picked on as a kid for it. So took his wifes so their kids wouldn't have his name. His dad went mad.

Both did it for specific reasons, rather than 'just because'

I didn't ask for permission but I did ask herMother AND Fatherfor their approval/blessing. Like most acts of chivalry its not about power/misogyny but about respect, IMHO.

And if they said 'no'?

Chivalry means courtesy towards a woman. Unless we are talking knights of the realm. How did this show courtesy to your future wife?

It's a genuine question. I am intrigued as to why its respectful or courteous to the women?