My opinion and attitude to marriage and female security is based on experience, not only my own but friends and family in real life AND reading experiences of people who've posted on mn and elsewhere online.
Those experiences are largely a result of the FACT the laws and culture of this country still greatly disadvantage women and especially women with children and even more especially women who are separated from the father of those children. Marriage goes some way to assuaging those inequalities in the event of a split.
YES we need the laws and culture to change which is happening very gradually - and I would say under this tory govt have in many ways been reversed unfortunately.
But until there IS real equality for women and particularly mothers we need on an individual basis to act in a way that protects ourselves and our children.
And yes, I do think under current circumstances it's irresponsible to do otherwise.
SOME women are better off than their male partners, but it's absolutely nowhere near the majority - most recent figures suggest around 1/3 of women earn more than their partner/spouse, but that research doesn't give a breakdown of how many of those women are mothers. Other research goes further and says that even this marginal improvement largely only applies until women are around 35 and after age 35 their earnings decline even further. Given this is roughly the point at which most women who want to, have their children, certainly 2nd/3rd children and due to the many demands that makes on a family reduce their hours/move to a more family friendly but lower paid job/become a sahm, that could explain it for many. But also employers assuming women of this age will likely soon be having children has an effect too. Then add in women who are starting to take on caring responsibilities for elderly parents/relatives around this point too and we can see why it can be difficult for women to maintain their earning potential.
Thatmustbenigel - the thread really is concerned with people who are NOT child free though. Because having children is what most disadvantages women financially. There are a few potential issues you may face as an unmarried partner, mainly to do with critical illness or bereavement but you're nowhere near as vulnerable as a mother, especially sahm.
There are some women who are better off due to their personal circumstances not marrying, but in my experience they tend to be in the minority. And to be fair that usually means the man in that relationship is the one at a disadvantage.
Lou12124 please don't patronise me! I'm not your dear.
My EX husband, at the time we married and while we were married I did respect and love him - his actions at the end of the marriage are what destroyed that, something which you'll find is true for many divorcees.
I DID marry for love, the legal and financial benefits of having done so became apparent when we divorced. But no not JUST for love I was never that naive.
It's precisely BECAUSE of going through a divorce and seeing/learning of others experiences post split that I now so strongly hold the views I do that women especially mothers need to carefully consider their position and give serious thought to where they would stand in the event of a split BEFORE having children.
"I get on better with my MIL than my partner does" that again smacks of over defensiveness.
"and she adores her grandchildren and she is not that childish to not look after them because me and my partner have split." She may well adore her gc but ultimately her loyalty lies with her child. In the event of a split if there is any acrimony (which is usually the case) she will far more likely side with her son.
"She looks after them because she loves them. That's what families do. Your family can not be as close knit as some others are." I got along with my now ex in laws and indeed for the most part we still do, but their loyalty lies with their son, even though they don't agree with how he's behaved. THAT is what families do.
In my case my ex in laws were older parents and therefore older grandparents and so weren't physically up to providing childcare, nothing to do with not being close.
But I've also witnessed many situations like yours and withdrawal of childcare arrangements is usually the first thing to happen.
"Me and my kids are not vulnerable at all" except you are, your denial doesn't make it any less so.
"And I'm getting defensive because people like you are so quick to jump on what other people are doing/ how they SHOULD be doing it and slating peoples ways of doing it. Instead of looking at your own life and maybe fixing alot of what needs fixing in your own!" Wow! Charming! If you're feeling defensive I would suggest that's because the thread has raised genuine concerns for you about your situation.
As for my life, in terms of this particular debate is concerned I did protect myself and dd as far as I was able and I'm glad I did.
I am active in discussing with my MP and campaign where possible to improve things for women and children generally and in particular with regard to how absent fathers behave following a split.
I haven't claimed to know everything at all, but I have responded based on my own experience, that of others close to me, those I've read about and by checking certain legal facts & research. My opinion is formed by all of that.
The venom spilling from your post is quite shocking actually. But I suspect is from fear upon realising how vulnerable you and your children are.
There's no need to be so rude in disagreeing with someone.
My intention in posting what I have - as I said before - is actually in hopes that any woman who is in a vulnerable position becomes better informed and does all they can to reduce that vulnerability.
I don't think claiming wrongly that accepting the word of a partner without any contingency planning or legal backup because "my partner cares far more about his children than any legal shit that would come in to it. He would always put their happiness first" is at all helpful or sensible.
No my life isn't perfect, but I've done the best I could for my dd and I and considering the challenges I've faced all my life I'm very proud of dd who I've raised alone since she was almost 3. She's now 18, working full time in an industry she loves and likely at the start of a promising career, with a lovely boyfriend and good loyal friends some of whom she's had since primary.
"Most men value their assets over children. They know that if their relationship breaks down the mother will have to take responsibility for the children and he can easily avoid paying child support.
However, if he gets married he'll be expected to share the assets in the event of a divorce." Exactly!
I'm struggling to find the stat but I know there is one about most dads X years after separation are no longer in their kids lives.
Half of absent fathers pay no child maintenance.
"Enabled by the system to do so I might add!" Definitely - not surprising when you consider who writes and enforces (ha!) the laws.