Page 2 | To think that if you are committed enough to decide to have children....

Oakenbeach · 2019-04-27T08:29:41+00:00

....you should also be committed enough to each other to get married (assuming that you don’t have any objections to marriage in principle), and that it makes no sense at all for couples to plan to have children (and I stress ‘plan’) before deciding whether to get married.

rosevioletlily · 27/04/2019 09:49

I agree OP. I know a woman who has 6 children with a man and knew she didn’t want to marry him because she knew he wasn’t the one...they stayed together anyway but ended up breaking up after however many years.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to get married but to have 6 kids with a man while knowing he’s not the one you want to marry seems odd. I don’t know how she could commit to having 6 kids with him while not being able to commit to marriage.
Anyway she’s happy now, married with a 7th baby on the way!

Branleuse · 27/04/2019 09:53

I think there are all sorts of reasons why people decide not to get married or decide to get married, and there is not a right way to live. Some of the benefits of getting married may be outweighed by another aspect according to some couples. Its probably best to not worry too much about it

Meandmetoo · 27/04/2019 09:54

I always wonder why when someone says they can't afford to get married people respond with how cheap it is etc.

What the person means is they can't afford the wedding they want, which is fine.

foreverhomefornow · 27/04/2019 09:54

I totally agree and will be raising my kids this way too!

I often say to them you have to be married before you can have children!

It's such a big commitment having dc I can't understand why people have them when their partners don't want to get married!

AliceRR · 27/04/2019 09:54

I agree with you OP but I know that makes me seem a bit “old fashioned”. I didn’t live with my DH until we got married and I know that is very unusual these days.

DH’s youngest sister (early 30s) has been talking about wanting to have a baby for years and I think if she’s thinking that way she should be getting married. They have a house together, she has a professional job, her husband works... you don’t have to spend everything on a wedding if finances are an issue.

His other sister got married recently after being with her partner for about 15 years and having four kids with him. Part of me thought “what’s the point” but I do think it’s good that they got married.

I must sound like such a judgmental old woman (I’m 35)

GoosetheCat · 27/04/2019 09:55

@FineWordsForAPorcupine of course not, but due to unforeseen foreseen financial circumstances £120 is a lot of money to us ATM.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 27/04/2019 09:55

I agree OP.

Children are a much bigger commitment than marriage. Marriage is simply a legal contract which realises the sacrifices made by a mother.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/04/2019 09:56

I agree with you but we aren't allowed to say that because it offends people.

Yep, that’s about the size of it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/04/2019 09:57

Many don't have children in committed relationships though, you've only got to look at how many "accidental" pregnancies seem to occur on MN alone. Plenty also believe a baby will make a partner stay, mean they don't have to work etc.

I wouldn't have chidren outside of marriage but I can see why if one party has more to lose upon divorce they may avoid marrying. The sooner we make pre nuts legal and binding the better.

If marriage is a deal breaker it should be sorted before children come along as they often end up paying the price when the party not getting their wishes leaves.

AliceRR · 27/04/2019 09:59

I also agree children are a bigger commitment than marriage and a bigger financial commitment!

You can get divorced but once you have a child with someone there is no clean break (in most circumstances)

Original poster

Oakenbeach · 27/04/2019 10:01

Thanks for the replies... I specifically said planning to have children before being ready for marriage and having no objection to marriage in principle, hoping that would stop people griping that “not all babies are planned”, or “I don’t see the point in marriage”!

Surely the commitment (and cost!) of a child is greater than the commitment and cost of a marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Oakenbeach · 27/04/2019 10:02

GoosetheCat

But the baby was planned?

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/04/2019 10:04

The solicitor helped me understand that as long as I don’t give up work, I would actually be better off if DP and I were to split and we were unmarried than if we were married

This is the actual issue - women giving up financial independence and looking stunned (stunned I tell you) when he leaves and she is still left disadvantaged - piece of paper or none.

Acis · 27/04/2019 10:11

I agree with you but we aren't allowed to say that because it offends people.

Since OP has said it and has not been deleted, clearly we are allowed to say it. This sort of post is pointless.

Geminijes · 27/04/2019 10:11

I would love to get married, but realistically at the moment my DP and I simply can't afford it. My DS is now 4 months and he was planned.

How can you afford a child yet not afford marriage? Surely, a wedding is cheaper than raising a child?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/04/2019 10:11

I get why people are worried about the consequences of a split, but surely the point of marriage is that it’s meant to be a contract for life. If you don’t trust someone enough to make that commitment, why would you have children with them?

VladmirsPoutine · 27/04/2019 10:13

Exactly Spartacus It really is about women giving up financial independence. I'm all for choice but an 'informed' choice. Not a 'but we're so in love' choice.

The relationships' board would be barren if all women heeded this advice. So many women left without so much as a pot to piss in whilst their ex husbands prance off in to the sunset with every other week contact if that. A princely sum of £17 a fortnight for child maintenance. And let's not forget a healthy salary and career trajectory having not needed to compromise on their careers to deal with their children.

Fairenuff · 27/04/2019 10:17

I think weddings should be banned.

If people want to marry they should just marry. Sign the legal document and be married. So much easier and cheaper than putting it off because of all the wedding drama/expense.

Silly isn't it, to put off marriage because you can't afford a wedding. It makes no sense to me.

AndAHappyNewYear · 27/04/2019 10:18

My parents have been together for 27 years, three adult kids, engaged for over 25 years, still not married. Dad was married to my biological mum before they had me, it lasted about a year and ended with her dumping both of us for another man. If you're not committed then you're not committed. Plenty of people, married and not, walk away from their partners and children. Making sure that you're not financially screwed if you split up is sensible but that doesn't have to be marriage.

Meandmetoo · 27/04/2019 10:20

"How can you afford a child yet not afford marriage? Surely, a wedding is cheaper than raising a child?"

Surely it's not too difficult to understand that there might be better things to spend the money on at this particular time?

GuineaPiglet345 · 27/04/2019 10:20

The thing is people don’t see the benefit of being married until the relationship breaks down or one of them dies and people always think ‘oh, that won’t happen to me’ and they want the big white wedding in a castle with 300 guests so they put it off. But yes, I agree with you, I’m a worst case scenario type of person so I wouldn’t have dreamed of having children without being married and if I’d had an accidental pregnancy I would have dragged DH down to the registry office before the pee was dry on the test.

Haffiana · 27/04/2019 10:20

Don't you know that suggesting that women should get married in order to protect themselves and their children is considered 'sneering by marrieds' on all those who haven't done this? And their hurty feelings are more important than learning about legal financial protection for their children?

What needs to happen is that this stuff should be taught in schools. So that women who think that they are 'woke' because marriage is just a piece of paper or worse think marriage is a big wedding day, actually understand what it is and what it is designed to do.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/04/2019 10:21

The relationships' board would be barren if all women heeded this advice. So many women left without so much as a pot to piss in whilst their ex husbands prance off in to the sunset with every other week contact if that. A princely sum of £17 a fortnight for child maintenance. And let's not forget a healthy salary and career trajectory having not needed to compromise on their careers to deal with their children

That's just it. Marriage can provide some protections re property and assets, but when all is said and done she is often still left in poverty and with the lion's share of the raising of the children and often also having to sell the family home because she can't afford the mortgage. As 'protection' it's pretty minimal.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/04/2019 10:22

I want children more than marriage ! So shoot me ! If only kind and perfect married people had kids the population would be tiny . Which is probably not a bad thing given the current climate

HennyPennyHorror · 27/04/2019 10:22

What actually needs to happen is for unmarried women and men who are the main carers for the children they share with the person they live with as partners, to be protected by laws which ape those of marriage.

There is TOO much power in men's hands regarding this issue. All a man has to do is say "NO" to marriage and if they already have kids that leaves the woman nowhere.