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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you are committed enough to decide to have children....

611 replies

Oakenbeach · 27/04/2019 09:29

....you should also be committed enough to each other to get married (assuming that you don’t have any objections to marriage in principle), and that it makes no sense at all for couples to plan to have children (and I stress ‘plan’) before deciding whether to get married.

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 27/04/2019 09:35

I think there are strong financial reasons for having the legal marriage contract in place before a woman impacts her career by having children.

BeanBag7 · 27/04/2019 09:37

I agree with you but we aren't allowed to say that because it offends people.

DippyAvocado · 27/04/2019 09:37

Life isn't always cut and dried. I was with my DP for six years before kids. We talked about marriage in a "one day" kind of way but the biological urge kicked in and I didn't want to wait before having DC. Since having them, DP has expressed a reluctance for marriage. Yes, I was annoyed by it but nothing had been set in stone. Almost all our friends were unmarried when they had kids. All but one couple are now married so I guess I assumed we would do the same.

It's not an issue that I would leave him over - I and the kids would be far worse off of I did. We jointly own our house and I work. We have wills, life insurance, pension arrangements etc in place in case one of us dies.

CaravanHero · 27/04/2019 09:39

Yabu and are assuming that everyone has the same view of marriage as you.

For many, they just don’t see the point of marriage or don’t fancy it...as valid a view point as yours.

DippyAvocado · 27/04/2019 09:40

There are also often a lot of double standard on threads like these. Women are criticised if their partner is the higher earner and they aren't married, but when the woman is the higher earner and they are unsure about marriage they are discouraged from it in order to protect their assets.

Ellisandra · 27/04/2019 09:41

I was trying for a child before marriage. I didn’t really care about marriage and didn’t need the financial protection of it. As it happens, long time trying we were actually married first. We’re now divorced. He was the one that lacked “commitment”. (serial cheat)

Marriage guarantees nothing in terms of demonstrating commitment.

I loved having my young son at my second marriage. He’s very excited about his dad’s second marriage next year. My sister had all 6 of her kids (yes, same dad) at their wedding - that was awesome!

My personal preference is to have your own kids at your wedding - it’s fab.

I do think that if children will put you at a financial disadvantage you should marry. Otherwise - meh, do what you like.

WifOfBif · 27/04/2019 09:42

People will miss the point here.

If you are thinking about having children and doing so will affect your income/earning potential then yes, you should consider marriage first. How many times have we read threads on here from women who have children and become financially dependent on their partner for it all to go to shit when they split because they’re not married and they aren’t entitled to what they thought they were. It makes sense to protect yourself financially before having children.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/04/2019 09:42

I agree with the wider point you're making r.e. marriage is a contract - not a love story. It does stand to reason a lot of people don't have various other legal contracts and marriage is a catch-all to address these. I don't think there should be a hard and fast rule but as long as everyone goes into it with their eyes wide open then so be it. The distress comes once it's too late so to speak.

GoosetheCat · 27/04/2019 09:43

Yabu. I would love to get married, but realistically at the moment my DP and I simply can't afford it. My DS is now 4 months and he was planned.

reetgood · 27/04/2019 09:43

I don’t think you get to make the rules on how people arrange their personal lives. But then I would say that, being the product of an unmarried union thats 40 years and counting, and have my own committed partnership that doesn’t include marriage but does include a child. My parents did actually get married once we’d all grown, partly for tax and estate reasons. They used marriage when it suited them! I’m not too bothered whether other people marry before or after children, why should I be?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2019 09:43

It offends people and it’s “unromantic”.

Much better to have your children, give them his name, quit your job, invest in his property, then claim you’re “traditional” and want him to ask your dad’s permission then do a whole big “surprise” proposal which is why you can’t bring it up like an equal adult in the relationship.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/04/2019 09:44

I had no idea that people actually believed 'common law' partnerships to be a thing. Good grief. Talk about the blind leading the blind!

PinkiOcelot · 27/04/2019 09:44

Being married isn’t the be all and end all though is it?! I don’t see a problem if provision is made (as poster above) then financially should be fine. What else other than financials?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 27/04/2019 09:44

Well, logically, having children and getting married are two different sorts of commitments. So it is perfectly possible to want to have one without the other. And it is not always in both parties interests to get married.

People should a) educate themselves about the impact of marriage so they know what the risks and rewards are for them, and b) have a series of direct, honest conversations with their partner about how important marriage is to them.

I agree that falling for "sure, I'd like to marry you one day. But let's have a couple of kids that you give up your career to raise while I pay the mortgage" can leave people extremely vulnerable.

CupOhTea · 27/04/2019 09:44

I agree with you, because you specifically said planned children of parents who have no objection to marriage in principle. Unless there is some unusual set of circumstances where marriage would be financially disadvantageous to both parents, I have no idea why, logically speaking, people would do this.

But, the heart wants what the heart wants and if you’re getting on a bit and are concerned about dwindling fertility and are hell bent on a big white wedding you can’t afford, I can see how it happens.

MancaroniCheese · 27/04/2019 09:46

YY Vladimirs and a lot of people focus on a wedding rather than a marriage. They want to save up for their fairytale day without realising the financial implications of giving up their financial independence to have children outside of marriage.

Being married does not guarantee commitment but it protects SAHPs

Langrish · 27/04/2019 09:46

Agree, children are a much bigger commitment and need to grow up in a legally equal relationship, be that marriage, civil partnership, whatever, just for their financial security.
Just living together is way too precarious.

Mari50 · 27/04/2019 09:46

YABU to think everyone shares your views about marriage as commitment.
I’ve been married- he walked out without a look backwards so I’m not sure where the commitment was.
I have a child and have no desire whatsoever to marry her dad because IMO being married makes no difference.

Meandmetoo · 27/04/2019 09:46

Taat?

Agree it should probably be discussed and if it's a deal breaker for either then probably best not to continue with the relationship. But marriage means different things to different people and comes in different places of importance in the hierarchy of life.

PinkiOcelot · 27/04/2019 09:47

Who mentioned “common law”?

ChanklyBore · 27/04/2019 09:48

People make massive assumptions on these threads. It’s always a male-female marriage, it’s always the woman who is a lower earner, it’s always the woman who wants to marry, it’s always her that gives up her career, it’s always her that needs “protection”

Also the assumption that getting married costs a lot.

It’s all basically bollocks, and you can do as you like, as long as your decisions are informed.

Miljah · 27/04/2019 09:48

Personally, I'd see 'but he doesn't want to marry me' as a red flag.

IDontMindAnythingWillDo · 27/04/2019 09:48

I see this on MN all the time and I think it is such a myth.

I looked into marriage after DP and I had our first child. I actually went to a solicitor to talk through the options (because each of our personal finances weren’t straightforward and involved family money - I wondered whether we might need a prenup lol). The solicitor helped me understand that as long as I don’t give up work, I would actually be better off if DP and I were to split and we were unmarried than if we were married. So we decided not to get married. We’ll only get married if one of us ever becomes too incapacitated to work, or something else happens that means one of us has to give up our jobs.

If you’re a woman with a career and earning potential, it’s much better to stay in work and keep your financial independence. That will protect you in the long term much more than being married will.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 27/04/2019 09:49

@GoosetheCat

Yabu. I would love to get married, but realistically at the moment my DP and I simply can't afford it. My DS is now 4 months and he was planned

You can get married for £120. And a baby is....cheaper than that??