To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

[fatfatfat]

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

What does happen when you’re always too busy is that you don’t make time for meals and snack through the day. One thing that has helped me in the past is making sure I make time for breakfast; that way I’m less likely to want a chocolate bar /crisps when I make myself some tea mid morning.

I also really like fruit, so it helps if I have a regular supply of apples/grapes. (Yes, I like chocolate, too, which is where it can go wrong!)

Just FTR OP, you can get six sessions of online CBT counselling free on the NHS. I know you don;t want counselling and you give good reasons why (I rejected it for years and I'd never go into 'therapy' but those six CBT sessions helped me enormously with a crippling depression. I was amazed at how helpful they were. The therapist was so considerate and thoughtful and perceptive. That said, I tried talking therapy twice or three times before and each time it was a disaster, so I usually steer well clear. But the online version worked. maybe because we both had to type what we thought so there was a time to reflect and attempt to be clear and precise. No waffle or sitting in aginising silence wondering why the hell the person opposite looks so neutral. And no harm to the pocket, at least!

What are you on about fruit?

I'm not using a PT.

Your thread title seems to suggest you are hurtling towards death by overeating. What have you eaten so far today?

I am currently trying to lose a bit of weight and I've had two coffees, a pint of water, a slice of wholemeal toast with half a sliced avocado and a poached egg.

Do you do the food shopping OP? I find it really helpful to not have the kinds of tempting bad food in the house. Cakes, biscuits, crips, crackers, dont buy them in.

Btw. Jillian Michaels 30 day shred is about 25mins, so you could do this after work at home? It’s very good.

OP - you mentioned 'defiant eating' earlier in the thread. I can't find anything about it online and am intrigued. I couldn't find it on the BEAT site a PP recommended. (Good site, PP - thank you.)

You have had an eating disorder since your were 18. While the disorder caused you to under eat and remain in an underweight, starved state, you felt in control. Now the eating disorder is causing you to over eat and you feel out of control.

Unless you address why you do this, the only solution will be to find a way to click into under eating again, which is also really bad for your health.

I don't know what the solution is though, as you definitely aren't ready to examine what lies behind your eating disorder.

I really hope you can find a way through this but don't know what the answer is.

Hi OP.

You have realised you want to change. That is the first step. I have lost a stone and am still heavier than you.

To be blunt exercise isn't the answer. It help and will make you fitter but it is all about amount in v amount used. To put it into perspective I have started cycling to work. It is 7 miles each way. The amount of calories the cycling burns means that cycling 5 days a week there and back gives less than the calorie deficit of 3000 required to lose 1 measly pound. Plus the more I cycle the fitter I get and the less bloody calories it takes to do it!

It is down to counting what goes in. Work out what calories you should be eating then weigh and record what you eat.

Just dropping portion sizes on things like pasta and trying wholewheat pasta made a lot of difference for me. I still eat carbonara, cream based pastas etc. Because I eat a smaller portion around 60g dried now the amount of sauce is also proportionally smaller. Finely grate the parmesan and a small amount seems massive.

I also have a dessert every day. Things like the multipacks of mini magnums. One of them isn't too many calories is nice. I think it is easier to cut back and make small changes and it lasts more than if you say no chocolate, crisps, treats etc.

Also things like cereal if you are used to a full bowl and you stick the recommended 30g in the bowl it's like WTF that is tiny. So have a little more than the recommended amount and adjust down slowly until it seems normal.

Lots of little things can make a difference and is easier to manage. Good luck

One of the first things you mention is the trauma that you experienced at a young age, and that your weight has really increased in recent years as a result of a lot of stress.

It therefore appears to be that you eat (and drink) as a response to your emotions, and stress. I'm sure many can identify with that - I certainly eat, and particularly drink, to dampen my emotions, to deal with stress, and as an "outlet" at the end of the day. I find I often can't cope with even very positive emotions, and turn to food an alcohol in the same way as when I am deeply upset or traumatised. I am just beginning to realise that my emotions will not hurt me. That I can allow them to move through my body, and they will eventually leave, or at least retreat to the sidelines.

I would suggest that you identify times when you are reaching for unhealthy food, or alcohol. Look at what has happened that day, and what emotions you are experiencing. (Bear in mind that anger is often seen as a "secondary" emotion, in that you feel angry because you are actually experiencing another emotion, eg sadness - "I am so angry with him because what he did made me feel really sad and lonely".) Find other things that you can do that will help you cope with that emotion for the time that it is within you. I hesitate to use the word "distract" because actually I suspect that you have a lot of emotion within yourself that you need to experience and process, but it can help to have something to do to help you ride the wave of the emotion (even if it is simply cuddling a cat/dog/child).

I would also suggest keeping a gratitude journal. (This is reminded me that I must get back into the habit of keeping mine regularly). it may sound really twee/cliched, but I find it really profound to look back on even the most shittiest of days and see that I have much to be grateful for, and that many positive things have happened, however small. This in turn means I end the day on a positive note, and this can then surreptitiously spill into the next day. For example, if I have written that I am grateful for my children, and the fact that we were able to get out and have a walk together, I will be more focused on my own health and fitness so we can continue to do these things together.

Ultimately I, and the rest of the posters here, can only speak about our own experiences and make suggestions of what has helped us. This may not be useful to you, but hopefully it will challenge to you to explore why you are overeating and drinking, and how you might develop other ways to deal with this and move forward. You will need to collect your own toolbox of strategies to deal with managing your emotions and triggering situations, but you can do it. Good luck.

Op I get it. I get the reluctance for counselling too. But it can honestly help, if you can open your mind to it.

Meal replacements will help re weight short term, but will cause more damage to your disordered eating long term.

Weight is not the problem. Your eating is. Your weight is a symptom of this.

Go to the doctors, you will be referred and it will help. Take a punt on it, you've got nothing to loose.

What about starting personal training sessions at the gym. They can help you get into good exercise habits and it creates a positive outlook. Don’t worry about your size, my gym has all shapes and sizes and everyone encourages each other.

My DW had great results with slimming world, and much of their strategy is about long term weight loss - lose 2-3 pounds most weeks with something you can stick to and it soon becomes part of your habit and doesn't take as much effort

@elessar is Brain over Binge really that good?

@fatfatfat

You recognised you had an eating disorder when younger. Do you feel what you are doing now is also an eating disorder?

I also get a sense of putting others first (you sound like a great mum, wanting to be there with your family doing things they enjoy), so do you do anything that is just for you? What other things can you do to make you feel good? Do you enjoy art, reading, etc? If I was to meet you for a cuppa and ask who you were, would you be able to tell me?

Or do you feel yourself so mentally exhausted at the end of the working day, that thinking about what you want to do is really at the end of your long list where others (and work) come first?

OP, what is it that's causing you to gain weight? Is it eating on the go? Snacking? Eating loads of chocolate? Portion size? Grabbing ready meals as there's no time to cook?

If you tell us the issue them maybe we can make suggestions. One of my issues was grabbing lunch on the go - McDonalds/chippy/buying a sandwich. Now I make a big pat of soup at the weekend, I've bought a thermos and that's my lunches for the week.

Thanks, I am out with kids but just to reiterate I do appreciate it. No, I don't want counselling

Stop focusing on the things you don’t want/feel won’t help/ you can’t stop your putting up walls before you’ve begun. You will need to change your lifestyle and way of thinking. A weekly weigh in/ treat would help focus the mind especially when your craving certain foods. There are loads of resources available like eating plans & excercise plans but you have to be mentally prepared to make the start. Don’t talk yourself out of it. Good luck you can do it.

I am massively overweight and I also have a heart condition, which I know loosing weight would help. I just felt powerless. I was referred to my local hospital, to their Specialist Weightloss Management Clinic. I had never heard if it, none of my GPS had suggested, only ever Slimming World!

It's only very early in the process, but I actually feel positive. It involves psychologists, dieticians and I will be under their care for 2 years. They have very good results. Perhaps you could ask your GP if there is anything similar locally?

Good luck x

I don’t want to sound patronising but my first thought was, given the lifelong focus on weight from adults around you, are you actually overweight? Obviously, either way it’s good to get a handle on your health but given how skewed your perception can become with eating disorders, maybe therapy is the place to start.

Yes all your posts are focussing on the counselling and the horses! Why not tell us what you typically eat and why you think you've put in weight? If you are out if the house for 12 hours a day it's much easier to control what you eat, surely?

Sorry OP - missed the post with your weight. I do think that therapy should be your start point though.

fatfatfat there’s lots of sympathy for you here but you keep reiterating that you don’t want counselling. You stated early on that you don’t want ‘just diets’. The fact that you mention the trauma indicates that you recognise that there’s a link between that and your eating disorder (and it is an eating disorder - for which diets absolutely are not advised). Lots of posters have made helpful suggestions, counselling being the principal one...fair enough if you don’t want it but what exactly did you expect to get from this thread...how do you think you might go about addressing the traumatic event and its effects if not using any of the means suggested? There’s no magic wand, it won’t be easy or fun but you do need to address the underlying causes of your behaviour and rebuild your relationship with food and your body

I genuinely didn't know what to expect ... I just needed to talk about it.

"I just needed to talk about it."

Interesting. Why did you feel you needed to talk about it, when you don't think talking actually helps?