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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

373 replies

fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 06:55

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:16

I'd love a personal trainer but I really honestly don't have time.

I am in work for 7 every day, this means leaving the house at 6:15 latest.

I get back at (around) 6 Mondays, 7 Tuesdays, 6 Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I can sometimes get back for 5 but I really need to spend that time with my kids. Weekends likewise.

And we can't really afford it.

OP posts:
Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:17

Partly Gatehouse yeah but also I genuinely don't think there is anything inherently magical in counselling. That's not to say talking it through isn't helpful (it is) but you can do that with a friend, on Mumsnet ...

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/04/2019 10:18

OP honestly I have NO vested interest in therapy . But it’s truly helped me when I have MG dips . If you really really don’t want to do it (and that’s OK ) I strongly advise finding a structured way to do it . So either WW or a Personal trainer . It’s bloody hard doing it alone . I lost 3 stone doing the Whole Life challenge which is an online programme . I and others need a structure and a motivation .

Tillymintsmama · 27/04/2019 10:18

Not RTFT, so don't know if anyone else has suggested it but do try Overeaters Anonymous. Meetings all over the UK. Depending on where you are you may need to travel a bit but it's worth it.

OA really helped me get to the crux of my emotional eating. I used to be 21 stone and now I'm 14. Still pretty chubby but way better than I was.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/04/2019 10:19

Just read all the energy you are putting into saying NO to suggestion . I am not bashing you ! Really Flowers but try and find something that can work

Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:20

7 stone lost is fucking amazing and you should be very proud.

OP posts:
Tanith · 27/04/2019 10:20

Op has said: "DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result."

I'm guessing she's responding to their nagging as well as the posts on here and that's why the defence barriers went up so quickly.

Some of the replies on here are skating rather near to bullying, by the way.

Regarding counselling, you need a very good counsellor if you're going for it. A bad or indifferent counsellor can make things very much worse: they can even induce a breakdown.

IHateUncleJamie · 27/04/2019 10:20

How much counselling have had previously?

IHateUncleJamie · 27/04/2019 10:21

*have YOU had

Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:23

I am not getting into that.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 27/04/2019 10:24

@OhTheRoses

I like your positivity but the OP says her BMI is heading towards 39.
I think I'm right in saying that BMI 40 is classed as morbidly obese. That means people will die. She knows this, hence the post.

SkintAsASkintThing · 27/04/2019 10:25

Well 15 stone is big. But it isn't prohibitively big. (( I'd love to be 15 stone Blush ))

And you're going to struggle with hills, you aren't used to exercise.

The trick is to start chipping away at those hills, they'll be hard at first. But the day will come you manage that one hill and the rest will get easier. You'll fly from there. Really, you will.

JinglingHellsBells · 27/04/2019 10:25

So have you looked at BEAT's website, looked at what kind of eating disorder you may have, and perhaps decided to take some action?

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 27/04/2019 10:25

OP I kind of get where you are coming from. I could always eat what I want and stayed a size 10 until I was 30. Then I had medication and within months balloon to an 18, I’m now a 16 and struggling so much. But everything I have an excuse for- some justified. I had a car accident and badly hurt my back and all it takes is for me to put my foot down a little too hard or on uneven ground and it can trigger my back going into spasm. So all my trying to help friends saying ‘but you are not working at the moment go for 2 long walks a day!’ Ummm will you leave work to fetch me if I’m stuck somewhere? So I know there’s stuff I could be doing, but how can I do it safely is the question? Big hug to you

OhTheRoses · 27/04/2019 10:25

Well she aint there yet Jingling and with a bit of support she'll be moving away from it.

EvaHarknessRose · 27/04/2019 10:27

Hi OP, I haven't rtft, wanted to add that it is important to remember that you will have experienced an immense physiological drive to eat due to the previous eating restriction. I work in ED area and it is very typical to go from anorexia into binge eating (think it's your body trying to protect you from future periods of starvation and risk, but also the emotional element of course). Essentially once you start bingeing it is nigh on impossible to restrict 'successfully' again, your body won't let you. So I would recommend teaching your body that it will always get regular healthy food in a good portion size, three meals and two or three snacks with gaps in between, no longer periods of starvation and re-learnimg how to 'stop' (do things like freeze or put away leftovers, clean teeth after a meal is finished, wait an hour before responding to a craving, try to have foods for emergency extra food that you won't binge on). This will help reset your eating and metabolism over time, show your dd good eating habits, and your weight can gradually normalise over time. If you diet, I am afraid you will perpetuate a binge starve cycle of yo yo dieting that will see your weight get higher. Good luck with things.

Lizzie48 · 27/04/2019 10:27

It’s fair enough that the OP doesn’t want counselling herself, I know it’s not for everyone. My DH was recommended it after losing his DF in a car accident, but he never went back, as he found it very uncomfortable being a very private individual.

Just don’t dismiss it as completely worthless; it’s helped a lot of us on here, which is why we recommend it.

Fazackerley · 27/04/2019 10:27

Your long work hours don't give you much time for exercise.
Are you near a shop? If you aren't then you will have to eat what you bring with you every day which could be fruit and a sandwich.

What are you eating everyday and how do you have time to eat a lot with those work hours!

QueenBeex · 27/04/2019 10:28

Luckily you've realised you've got a problem at 15 stone, instead of letting yourself get to 30 odd stone first! You're not "huge" on my opinion. But you do need to change your diet and lifestyle now because as you get bigger, it'll be more difficult. No judgement from me.

dangerrabbit · 27/04/2019 10:30

Ok fair enough if you can’t afford a personal trainer but what do you think of my other suggestion to try a regular exercise class with a friend? Would finances, time and family support stretch to this?

Gatehouse77 · 27/04/2019 10:31

fatfatfat

I get it. There's no 'reason' other than my love of food.

I do a lot of talking through with DH and he offers all the help in the world but I wouldn't go to counselling. The truth is I love food and flavours and often eat when I'm not hungry but am seduced by the want of flavour - which is why chewing gum doesn't wok for me as I really don't like mint except for brushing my teeth!

We menu plan evening meals which are generally quite healthy but outside of that I don't want to do any more planning. I break it down into bite-size (see the pun there? Grin) decisions.

I also have increased my water intake which I've resisted for a long time due to having an overactive bladder but has been fine. It does reduce my food intake as I aim to drink 750ml before midday and 750ml after which means I don't have room for food!

It's not exciting or great fun but I am seeing the results.

I have also started doing exercise using an app 7M WOMEN. They're short, manageable and I can pick and choose what I feel like. If I'm not in the jump about mood I can focus on abs, back, legs, etc.

More than happy to share further if you wish.

JinglingHellsBells · 27/04/2019 10:31

@Ohtheroses yes but you are in danger of minimising her weight by focusing on her dress size. I am small framed and if I weighed 15st I'd be morbidly obese- it's 2 x what I weigh. Saying size 18 is like many women is ridiculous. It's not comforting, it's trying to normalise obesity.

Propertywoes · 27/04/2019 10:32

15st doesn't preclude you from riding a horse, that's you because you feel rubbish about yourself.

Sorry but yes it does. 15st is too heavy to ride. Even a weight carrier horse, it's bad for their joints. With tack/clothing it could be 17 stone. you were sensible not to get on that horse.

Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:35

Problem is now people are fixating on tiny things that aren't important.

I have never ridden a horse in my life.

We went to a farm.

One of the activities was if you wanted to riding a horse around a paddock, very slowly. Children on lead reins. DD was desperate to do it with me also on a horse.

Tiny, tiny thing. I used it as a "for instance" and now everyone is arguing about horses.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 27/04/2019 10:36

But Personal trainer is just some money making scheme OP. No?

You could excercise every day, but it won't help if you are emptying the contents of the fridge/cupboard into your stomach every day.

I excercise hard twice a week. With heavy weights. According to my fitness watch I burn 500 calories max each session. That's not even two slices a cake.

Excercise is great and you need to incorporate it into your life. It will help make your feel better too. But you've got to get under control the face stuffing.