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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

373 replies

fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 06:55

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

OP posts:
Fazackerley · 27/04/2019 09:53

Ok OP then you've also got lots of straightforward calorie counting advice also. Good luck with it.

NoSquirrels · 27/04/2019 09:58

Ho hum. You say you do “defiant” eating. You say your family and DH have tried (supportively, you recognise) to point out the issue with your weight but it’s not helped you. You’ve told MN anonymously that you’re so unhappy about limiting your family life now you’re 15 stone (I was expecting larger tbh based on your OP) that you need to make changes but you’re all upset about counselling suggestions and convinced everyone is wrong...

I get it, you’re someone who needs to do stuff “themselves”. So what kind of advice/kick up the bum/support do you think you need?

Fretfulparent · 27/04/2019 09:59

Op You are coming across at having quite a rigid thinking style. This is not a criticism more an observation that many Posters ideas are irritating you.
What do you think would help you change? If you know that answer then we could help signpost you to support for that change.

LarkDescending · 27/04/2019 10:00

The Diet Myth, by Professor Tim Spector, is an excellent and thought-provoking read.

Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:01

Of course Jamie but I don't think you understand what I am saying.

There are people who have a vested interest in repeatedly saying counselling works. Look at Mumsnet. Any suggestion of trauma, distress or upset "get counselling."

I don't think they do that to get money. I think it's been burned so deep into us that counselling works and is a Good Thing people don't question its effectiveness. If anybody tries they are told they are the problem - "you didn't try hard enough, you wouldn't engage, it was the wrong counsellor."

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 27/04/2019 10:02

Have you tried it?

Propertywoes · 27/04/2019 10:02

CBT saved my life and also helped me address the reasons why I was comfort eating. It sounds to me like you're afraid to try taking therapy. Maybe you're afraid it'll bring back trauma that you aren't ready to face. That's ok. My therapist didn't jump straight in with the worst of it. She helped me build up my strength to face it bit by bit through each of the issues and lots of things came up that i never thought of as being contributing to my issues.

If you don't want to address the underlying issues, that's entirely up to you. But counselling does work for vast numbers of people.

I would also recommend the books available on Kindle by gillian Riley. Say goodbye to overeating is the one I used. Not counselling but helps you to be more mindful about what you're eating and why. It's really helped me in the past. It's not a diet either, no calorie counting or anything. You can get a free sample to read on your phone.

Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:02

no be fair, if I knew what I needed I wouldn't have needed to start thr thread and it's becoming quite hostile in tone.

OP posts:
BeefTomato · 27/04/2019 10:03

fatfatfat feel free to ignore this, but it might help. I've been struggling with my mental health recently, and like you I have young children and very limited time. I've been referred for online CBT, so I can do it at home and not have to go somewhere else for it. It might be an option if you would struggle with transport?

MintyT · 27/04/2019 10:04

If you really really want to lose weight you will, you seem intelligent, you knows what's what. And it seems now you want to do it, and you will. I think your ready to take control. It's small steps. I have an eating disorder which I am finally admitting too. I want to something about it and I am. Even a 1lb a week adds up. I think your going to be ok

Fretfulparent · 27/04/2019 10:05

following on from my post above: For example, if you think the only way you will get thinner is to have bariatric surgery then we could advise about that.

If you want ideas about exercise we could suggest youtube videos you could watch etc

Do you want inspirational personal stories , a diet or to read a book etc etc

If you've changed things in other ways what helped you do that?

NoSquirrels · 27/04/2019 10:05

I don’t think anyone here has told you if it doesn’t work you’re the problem...

IHateUncleJamie · 27/04/2019 10:07

It isn’t hostile at all, actually. You are getting very defensive.

When a lot of people can see that your relationship to food is a symptom, not a cause, and advise you accordingly, it’s frustrating that you are so closed minded and keep making excuses.

I suspect you know deep down that you need talking therapy and that’s why you’re desperately coming up with reasons not to have it.

OhTheRoses · 27/04/2019 10:09

Right op. At 15st you are a tubster. You are no different to the many many women in a size 18 (normal sized clothing) all over Britain. You are not morbidly or dangerously overweight in the context of what goes on in the media. This is manageable.

I know exactly how you feel as a recovered anorexic who is 58 now and whose weight has crept up. Partly through a live of good food and more through a love of wine. Throw in the fear of getting obsessed with a diet and bingo. It is hard.

I joined weightwatchers two weeks ago. The app is great, the meetings are good and there are like minded people to chat to. It might even be possible to make friends.

Like you I'm not a fan of counselling. I'm a solution based person who likes straight answers rather than lots of reflection.

Walking is good. Start at 6000 steps pper day and work up to 10000.

Baby steps op. You want to do something about this and I don't think it's as bad as you think. 15st doesn't preclude you from riding a horse, that's you because you feel rubbish about yourself.

Fazackerley · 27/04/2019 10:10

The OP thinks counselling is full of charlatans but is happy to have replacement shakes Hmm

Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:11

Squirrels but that is the accepted doctrine, isn't it?

No Jamie, I really know that I don't.

Thanks Minty

I'm not really thinking in terms of WL surgery.

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 27/04/2019 10:12

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. I was overweight earlier this year and started seeing a personal trainer. If you could make time and finances for this I would thoroughly recommend it. I have also noticed I have been making changes to my diet, although my personal trainer focuses on exercise only and doesn’t do meal plans like other trainers do. Myself and other people have noticed the drop in my weight since I’ve used this service.

You could access a personal trainer in your local gym or a private one. It’s good to have someone in your corner encouraging and motivating you when you feel yourself flagging. Knowing I had to pay for the session anyway if I wanted to cancel at the last minute due to the 24 hour cancellation policy meant I always turned up.
If finances don’t allow I would recommend you join an exercise class with a friend and use peer support to motivate you although I would imagine this would be less effective than the trainer.

OhTheRoses · 27/04/2019 10:13

Oh yes, and as Minty said, 1lb per week adds up. 52lb a year is nearly 4 stone.

cricketmum84 · 27/04/2019 10:13

OP there is a great thread running at the moment here: Half a stone off in April (3kgs for the 'metrix') http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weightlosss_chat/3548017-Half-a-stone-off-in-April-3kgs-for-the-metrix

I find it hugely helpful. I have a lot of weight to lose and breaking it down into these half stone chunks makes it seem so much more manageable plus I can talk to other people who feel the same as me. There's a new thread each month, come join us :)

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/04/2019 10:14

OP I think you need some help as to me this sounds like a MH issue that’s spiralled into obesity

You know you have a problem , and you want to change . Now the next step is getting into action . Anyone can spout advice at you , but until you change your attitude to your body and health and have a wake up call .....

I would recommend getting some therapy and help to kick start you

All best advice can’t help if you have a MH related blocker x

Langrish · 27/04/2019 10:14

fatfatfat

Your name made me really sad.

I won’t repeat what everyone else has said, some of it sound, some not so. I have a successful, intelligent, kind, loving husband, a fabulous father, who has no vices: except he’s obese and seems completely unable to do anything about it, with our without help, cajoling, kindness, threats. I think I understand where you are.

One tiny thing: can you afford an electric bike? If your husband wants to go riding with you, you can do it. Cycle where you can, use the power when you need to. Gradually the balance will change, the manual work will become easier and you’ll achieve a little more each time. Please give it a try if you can.

Original poster
fatfatfat · 27/04/2019 10:14

Thanks Roses :)

OP posts:
Cloglover · 27/04/2019 10:14

It's fine to say you don't want counselling but just admit you don't want it rather than dismiss it as a placebo when it clearly does work for a lot of people!

You have 2 options. You either address the underlying issues of your disordered eating or you just lose the weight through diet and exercise.

I'm not sure why you started the thread tbh. If you just want to lose weight without addressing the underlying issues just join WW.

Gatehouse77 · 27/04/2019 10:15

Am I right in thinking that you mean this..

All the counselling, therapy, etc in the world won't work because the reality is that it is you, and you alone, that ultimately has control over what you put in your mouth and therefore it all comes down to you?

Pharlapwasthebest · 27/04/2019 10:15

Op, you’re showing a lot of resistance in this thread, you need to ask where this resistance is coming from. You’ve asked for advice, but you don’t want to take it. It sounds like there is some denial around the whole issue.