To not want daughter going to a wood by herself?

[Vellia]

Dd is 16. We live in a town with lots of countryside/footpaths at close proximity. About a 15 minute walk away from our house, you get to the edge of some farmers’ fields. If you walk down the side of one of these you find yourself in a lovely small wood. At the moment the bluebells are out and it’s absolutely magical.

Over Easter, dd and I have gone for a walk in this wood most mornings before she starts revising (I work in a school so have school holidays off). But in a few weeks’ time she’ll be off school on pre-GCSE study leave while I’ll be working.

She’s said in passing that she’s going to go for a walk in the woods at the start of each day to get herself in the right frame of mind for revision.

I feel rather uncomfortable about this as the wood is a significant distance away from the road & any houses. Definitely out of ear-shot. And the wood is never very busy - we rarely bump into more than one or two people, mostly dog walkers; often it’s entirely empty apart from us.

AIBU to think it would be unwise for dd to go walking there by herself? Would I be unreasonable to tell her she can’t?

Most rapes and murders are perpetrated by people the victims know. FACT!!

FACT!!!

Yes, we know. That's down to opportunity though. It doesn't mean nothing bad ever happens with strangers.

@Haggisfish really useful reference! will be building this in to some training I'm doing soon Thanks

OP: another vote here for it's natural to worry but you are worrying unnecessarily. I still worry every time DS gets behind the wheel of his car and he's 29, been driving since he was 18, and commutes to work every day.

“I’m afraid we live in dark times”

One of the most depressing things I’ve read on MN in a long time. No, we don’t. Statistically there is no greater chance of anything happening than there would have been 10, 20, 50 years ago. It’s just scaremongering to make comments like this.

If anything, I would say things are ‘better’ nowadays from the point of view that she can carry a mobile phone so can be in contact with people quickly. I think there’s also much more awareness and people are open to sensible discussion now- eg the idea of varying the time and route is just a sensible practical measure which will reduce any (already minuscule) risk without impacting on her enjoyment of the activity.

Growing up in the 1970s there was far less discussion about these sorts of things... they tended to be shrouded in secrecy. I remember when I was about 9/10 and walked home from school a mile or so, my mum giving a muttered ‘hmm maybe best to come straight home and not hang around near the wood’. Far more enlightened to have a sensible talk about activities without putting the fear of god into her or without being so ‘veiled’ (as my mum was) that she won’t have a clue what you’re on about!

But seriously it’s so depressing to read some of these comments which imply that women can’t go anywhere alone

She’s 16, it’s not really going to make any difference if she’s 16 or 35, there a risk to everything. I walk a lot on my own, often in secluded areas, I’ve never even considered getting jumped on

I think there is a huge difference between 16 and 35 in your sense of danger perception I think. By 35 you mostly don't have the "I'm invincible" mindset either.

She’s 16, it’s not really going to make any difference if she’s 16 or 35, there a risk to everything. I walk a lot on my own, often in secluded areas, I’ve never even considered getting jumped on 😐

Really? Never even considered it?

Have you never been followed by a man you don’t know, had men shout stuff at you in the street, etc? I’ve been “jumped on” (not by a rapist, by a violent mugger on one occasion when I wasn’t much older than OPs DD, and a group of teenage girls who beat me until I ended up in the hospital). I can’t even fathom “not considering it”.

YABU.
Perhaps she’d be safer never leaving her bedroom?
I don’t think at 16 it’s really your decision to make on where she can go for a stroll - she can drive a car in a few months.
I take my dog to an isolated woods very often alone. Probably about 0.5 miles or more from the nearest house. Never has it crossed my mind that it’s unsafe. I’d say actually it’s quite the opposite.
How depressing and what a sad way to want your daughter to lead her life.

I walk through woods alone all the time. I’d hate to live with this fear all the time.

Years ago when I was doing a criminology degree they taught us that fear of crime is more of an issue than crime itself. And I think this is true.

Yes there's a small chance of something happening but I agree with others that you can't live your life with that sort of fear.

I happily walk in woods by myself now, I go up mountains into deserted places where I could possibly meet a lone male hiker who turns out to be a rapist or murderer. But the chances are so small that I'm not going to let it stop me doing stuff.

I grew up in the country and roamed the fields and woods by myself from primary school age. My dd is 18yo and if she wanted to go and walk in woods on her own I'd let her. After giving her advice about headphones out, listen to your instincts, if someone seems dodgy don't worry about being rude, get away if you feel you need to.

I think you are going to have to let her, just speak to her about staying safe. Letting someone know when she’s going and when she’s expected back, not to wear earphones so she is aware what’s going on around her, perhaps sending a text update? My DD has just started going out by herself (she’s nearly 11) and friends. She tells me every time she moves places and I also have find iPhone if I want to double check. I do worry but I know I can’t keep her wrapped in cotton wool. Exams can be stressful and a bluebell wood walk may help. She may realise she doesn’t like it as much on her own and only go the once.

And I do think a rapist is more likely to hang around a town late at night rather than deserted woods. I mean they could be in the woods for weeks before finding a lone female. It doesn't seem the most logical place to look for victims if it's that deserted.

TerryWogansWilly

Why are you so heavily invested in replying to every comment screaming about how wrong everyone is?

I’ve been walking alone in woods and countryside all my life. These days I take my 8yr old with me (or sometimes my 5yr old nephew). The worst I’ve known happen was when my mum broke her leg falling whilst walking. A mobile is a good idea, crazy paranoid fear is not!

I live rurally and if I thought something would happen to me every time I go out id be a recluse. I walk through quarties alone daily, and so does 17 yr old on daily walks.
Just let her go, there are greater dangers out there than a walk.

I must admit I may be uncomfortable but as we have a protective dog it's a non issue for us, since she was old enough to go to the park without me, dd has taken the dog. (whilst ddog is well trained, being a collie he's super protective of us, he gives a warning growl at night to passing people he considers a threat!)

Quarries not quarties🙈

If it's an occasional thing that sounds great but if you walk in the same place every day people get to know about it - most attacks are planned by people you know. Could she maybe vary her walk so she is not taking the same route every day? Or could she borrow a friends dog?

Wouldn’t walk alone in a London wood, but here you get flashers, muggers, care in the community etc.

TerryWogansWilly

Why are you so heavily invested in replying to every comment screaming about how wrong everyone is? hmm

Because that’s sort of the point of a discussion forum? How rude.

I see both sides. I’m 31 and I do a 5 mile hike on back country roads every day and my mum (bless her) insists I texts her at regular intervals if she can’t accompany me. I thought this was a bit OTT until I noticed the same car frequently and I suspected he was following me. I reported it and he was checked out and apparently had photos of me in the phone. It seemed he was establishing a timeline of where I’d be and at what time. I no longer think the odd text to my mum is unreasonable. For context I moved out of the family home when I was 18. I’m completely independent but I’ll always be my mothers baby

I did GCSE revision in the woods, all day, alone with only my notes and a packed lunch. It was calming and peaceful. I am now 45.

I think it is a great recognition of her self awareness and mental health that this is her plan. Enjoy it, vary time slightly, no headphones. Do not live in fear

It’s very sad but it really isn’t safe for women on their own to walk anywhere that is deserted, be it an alley way at night or a bluebell wood in the morning.

What nonsense. Firstly millions of people walk places on their own in the UK everyday, safely. Secondly, men are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime in the outdoors.

Has it crossed anyone else’s mind that a place where “there are rarely other people” is an ideal spot for someone with ill intent to plan something after observing that a lone young woman is walking in the woods every morning?

This is ridiculous too. A man with ill intent is not going to be loitering around a bluebell wood for years waiting for a 16 year old to start walking their each morning. If it's near a town and accessible to a 16 year old there's likely to be a community of very regular dog walkers who know exactly who is in, and out of, the norm.

I’m afraid we live in dark times

Relatively we live in one of the safest times unknown to humankind.

Risk assessment is part of being human - especially being a female human. We do it all the time. Unfortunately the media massively affects our ability to risk assess effectively.

We can’t live our lives on the ‘it has happened’ basis. Yes, terrible things have happened to women walking alone in rural areas. But if you applied ‘it does happen’ to your life as a whole, you’d never do anything. You’d never get in a car, taxi, plane or train. You’d never leave your house. But equally you wouldn’t stay in your house alone, because terrible things have happened to women at home alone. And you wouldn’t stay at home with a male relative or friend or boyfriend because terrible things have happened to women who’ve done that.

I think if I was a potential rapist/ murderer I would be hanging out where there was a greater chance of encountering vulnerable women and that wouldn’t be a quiet wood.
There are far more riskier ‘ safe ‘ activities than a quiet stroll through woodland.

A mobile phone won't protect her in a wood.

The risk is small, but it's a risk. That's not to say that the risk isn't worth taking, only you and she can decide.

I would see if you can find a largish dog that needs walking every morning. It might not protect her in the actual event of someone attacking her, but it can act as a deterrent to potential attackers.

sinkgirl really I don’t think about it. I haven’t been followed whilst out, usually I walk in really quite areas. I have been raped twice, both by people I have known and not whilst out walking in the woods. At 16 I was walking out alone, I live in a small village and have alsways felt safe. All you can do is teach awareness, you can get her to carry an alarm and to keep her phone on her at all times.