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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want daughter going to a wood by herself?

532 replies

Vellia · 26/04/2019 00:18

Dd is 16. We live in a town with lots of countryside/footpaths at close proximity. About a 15 minute walk away from our house, you get to the edge of some farmers’ fields. If you walk down the side of one of these you find yourself in a lovely small wood. At the moment the bluebells are out and it’s absolutely magical.

Over Easter, dd and I have gone for a walk in this wood most mornings before she starts revising (I work in a school so have school holidays off). But in a few weeks’ time she’ll be off school on pre-GCSE study leave while I’ll be working.

She’s said in passing that she’s going to go for a walk in the woods at the start of each day to get herself in the right frame of mind for revision.

I feel rather uncomfortable about this as the wood is a significant distance away from the road & any houses. Definitely out of ear-shot. And the wood is never very busy - we rarely bump into more than one or two people, mostly dog walkers; often it’s entirely empty apart from us.

AIBU to think it would be unwise for dd to go walking there by herself? Would I be unreasonable to tell her she can’t?

OP posts:
Dana28 · 26/04/2019 09:30

hell, my parents must have been the worst ever. At 16, I was wild camping around Scotland hundreds of miles away from home.
Were you alone or with a friend?

ginghamtablecloths · 26/04/2019 09:30

I would feel uneasy about it. Your safety can never guaranteed wherever you walk on your own and it is a risk.

My 16 year niece was 'flashed' by the local weirdo on a quiet woodland path and while it shook her up it could have been worse. My SIL had to punch a would-be attacker in a local park.

Of course you can be attacked on the street but quiet places such as woods and footpaths are also well known to any person who means harm. All these places can seem to be safe - until something happens. What are the chances? Personally I'd not take the risk.

Jog22 · 26/04/2019 09:32

In two years times she could be swanning off to the far east on her gap yaah. You won't have a clue what country she's in let alone which wood.

Dana28 · 26/04/2019 09:34

I think yanbu. I would think a very quiet beauty spot is exactly the sort of place a rapist would frequent. And what earthly good woul her phone be?

Dana28 · 26/04/2019 09:35

Oh yes and flashers!

BusterTheBulldog · 26/04/2019 09:36

Those of you that worry about being on your own, do you just not do things then? Never run, ride, walk alone? I can’t imagine living such a limited existence.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/04/2019 09:36

OP, at her age, I used to go for walks and runs through woods, along rivers and through fields, alone and there were no such things as mobile phones.

It's fascinating how woods have such a grip on people's psyche. You're not worried about the fields - yet that's where she's visible from a distance and her routine could easily be observed, by many people.

By all means ask her to vary her timings a bit and explain why. There is some rationale to that.

But in the end, chances of being spontaneously raped or murdered by a stranger while out in the countryside are so vanishingly tiny that the only sane and rational way to view them is as equivalent to the risk of being in a plane crash - that is, an exceptional circumstance completely beyond your control, therefore not worthy of any worry at all.

TheInvestigator · 26/04/2019 09:36

@Dana28

Both.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/04/2019 09:39

You'd keep her safer by convincing her never to date or have relationships with men (and having no men in your life or your home) - the people most likely to assault a woman are the men she knows.

Let her enjoy her walks. Statistically she's safer in the woods than crossing the road in the town centre.

catofaragon · 26/04/2019 09:40

I'm really shocked that anyone thinks that she should not do this. A teenager wanting to go out for a walk and enjoy nature - I think it's lovely. Do people on here really not do things like go out walking or running on their own?

lottiegarbanzo · 26/04/2019 09:40

The thing her phone would be useful for is if she trips and sprains her ankle. Something like that, where the convenience of being able to summon help is of value, compared to having to drag herself to the nearest houses.

TeacupDrama · 26/04/2019 09:41

she is several times more likely to be killed by a car than a random stranger in a wood

you are stifling her, no -one is saying the risk is nil, it is not even nil for getting out of bed

most people are terrible at truly judging risk it is well documented and researched

lottiegarbanzo · 26/04/2019 09:41

They've all read Little Red Riding Hood a few too many times. Wolves, innit.

LimeKiwi · 26/04/2019 09:43

*@BusterTheBulldog
Those of you that worry about being on your own, do you just not do things then? Never run, ride, walk alone? I can’t imagine living such a limited existence

Same, Buster, I love going for walks by myself. Went for a lovely one down the canal the other week. Can't imagine people thinking and worrying whether it's safe to go out or not

Snowy111 · 26/04/2019 09:44

I’m definitely on the side of let her do it

It does make me think, reading this thread, that if people were saying to a woman “don’t go out and get too drunk” or “don’t wear provocative clothing” you’d be slated as a rape apologist

I think going out getting drunk and making her own way home in the early hours, which she might be doing in a couple of years, is much more risky than walking in a quiet woods

DarlingNikita · 26/04/2019 09:44

WTF? I too thought you were going to say she was about six.

From about 11 I used to sometimes get up really early and go for a walk near our house, which sounds like it was in a similar area to yours (although ours wasn't so nice – I'm envious of the bluebells!). Down quiet lanes and across farmers' fields etc. Often I'd be a good fifteen minutes' walk from a road or house.

I think it's laudable that she's thought about how to approach her revision and she should be encouraged.

JaneEyreAgain · 26/04/2019 09:45

Please let your daughter walk in the woods.

Yes bad things happen but more women are murdered by their partners than when out for a walk.

We benefit hugely from being outdoors, from exercise and from living free

applesarerroundandshiny · 26/04/2019 09:45

I wouldn't be happy either if it was my DD

ittakes2 · 26/04/2019 09:47

I wouldn't. There are people saying the risk is small. Maybe. But it only takes one incident to have a huge impact on someone's life. Especially since she plans to do it everyday she will be establishing a pattern that someone with ill intention can plan around. People say take her phone - and do what...she will have time to call you in distress if some decides to approach her...and you will do what?
But my opinion is coloured by the fact I was one of the small minority who has been sexually assaulted by a stranger so I do have a strong opinion. But in the world where everyone's opinion counts - I dare anyone to say my opinion is wrong. Its just my opinion.

ThereWillBeAdequateFood · 26/04/2019 09:47

She’s 16, of course she can go for a walk in the woods alone.

It’s not an entirely risk free activity but nothing in the world is risk free. The benefits to her physical and mental health vastly outweigh the tiny tiny risk.

ThereWillBeAdequateFood · 26/04/2019 09:49

But it only takes one incident to have a huge impact on someone's life

So what else are you going to stop her doing?

Travelling by car
Going to parties
Crossing the road

All these things are riskier than walking in the woods.

Dana28 · 26/04/2019 09:51

I don't think the risk of getting flashed is negligible.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/04/2019 09:51

Oh and, as others will have mentioned, the benefit to her mental health gained by walking through bluebell woods and countryside in general is very real.

You do risk causing real damage to her mental health, long term, if you wrap her in cotton wool, limit her freedom and her autonomy - her ability to make rational choices for herself - and set her up to worry about infinitessimally small risks of things outside her control, in everyday situations. That's a recipe for a life worry, anxiety and lost opportunity.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 26/04/2019 09:51

And people wonder why teenagers have increasing levels of mental health problems - not allowed to go for a walk and connect with nature; fear and paranoia about personal safety instilled into them by their own parents.

There are sensible precautions to take (for instance, don't walk home alone at night when you're drunk) but avoiding a walk in the woods is going to do more harm than good. Attacks in these circumstances are incredibly rare - she's far, far, far more likely to be hit by a car mounting the pavement and hitting her, for instance.

Presumably two years from now she'll be off at university drinking cheap vodka and living in grotty areas (and having the time of her life). In my experience the ones who were partying 24/7 and taking stupid risks were the ones who had grown up in overly sheltered homes (one from a deeply religious home springs to mind as having spent most of first year drunk or hungover). It's best to allow teenagers increasing levels of freedom rather than keep them wrapped in cotton wool so long they can't wait to get away.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 26/04/2019 09:53

It depends where you live. Round where I live now, fine. Where I used to live, on the outskirts of Epping Forest, not so fine. There were too many attacks in that forest when I was growing up for me to be comfortable even now going for a walk there on my own.