To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

Haven't read grouch the whole thread, did we ever find out if the little girl enjoyed her overnight adventure with her granny and her cousins or whether she has been emotionally scarred and traumatised?

I don't think granny planned an overnight, for a start she would have made sure the three kids had clothes, toothbrushes , nappies eats which she would have had to organise and take with her. I think she missed the train, the friend offered to put them up and they had a great adventure with their granny.

I'd love to see these taxis with the magic powers that allow children to travel in without car sets. The magic powers that mean in a crash they wouldn't be hurt or killed.

OP, that does your partner say about his mother's actions?

Dot for short the train back was at 5.40.

Grouch=through in autocorrect.

Had horrendous sickness with third pregnancy and an 18 month old to look after. Not one person offered a minutes help to me and it went on till around 17 weeks. I wanted to die. I wish I had your mil.

oh god clearly it was a figure of speech, but again, we don't know how much she drank

Clearly it wasn't because the two mean very different things.

fairy well we don't know which one we did, do we?

Do the people who are saying the MIL was in the right genuinely think it's ok for her to withhold where the OP's daughter is staying so she had no choice whether she could collect her or not?

viques, the time of the train is originally given as 5:30 but the OP later corrected it to 4:30.

PlantPot no, we don't. I would bet it was a glass of wine not "getting shit faced with her pals", though.

Lets just imagine for 1 minute MIL actually did miss the train and yes its easily done. She lets OP drive a 4 hour journey to collect them. OP is by her own admission feeling awful so unwell she cant cope with a day out and has spent the entire day in bed. On the way back she faints and crashes the car and causes fatalities how many people would then be saying OP was selfish she knew she was ill she shouldnt have risked driving. Or mil was selfish she should have git a room for the night?

Oh please, the situation was clearly engineered, you'd have to be a first class muppet to miss a train when you are looking after three kids.

Did she plan it? Possibly.
Was it a misthought/irresponsible accident? More likely.

But she has completely broken your trust - refusing to tell you where their address is? Fuck that! What an awful thing to do to your pregnant daughter in law.

Also - she had nothing! What did she sleep in? What did she wear the next day? How did she brush her teeth? Where did she sleep? Totally out of order.

I would never let my mil see my child unaccompanied again, if this were me.

OR, what if there was a fire in the friends house while ops DD was there? If mil had brought the DD home as planned.....

I reckon op knew whether she could drive or not. Plenty of women have been pregnant, felt shit, and got on with stuff.

Can we imagine the op is actually talking about her ex who has taken DD overnight to his mates house without agreement and is being an awkward twat about the address. Assume that would be fine?

I agree with @sweeneytoddsrazor - all of these people saying she should have given the address to collect are mad. The OP wasn't well enough for a day out, felt awful so spent the day in bed but aye let her drive for 4 hours just to make a point.

This thread is just completely full of the usual anti MIL anti GP bullshit. I saw someone said "the op didn't know she was safe"....but, er...she did didn't she or else why let her take her for the day.

NerrSnerr

Well they were on a farm park and I'm sure the OP had a rough idea where it was and could easily Google the farm if they live next to it.

I don't think that was an ok thing for her to do OP and would have probably said to her that I didn't want her to take DD out if that's what was going to happen.

Next time your DD is going to a farm park take a change of clothes though, I take a change for all the kids I take even the 10 year old.

I don't think it can be classed as 'anti MIL' to want to know where your 18 month old is staying and to be able to make the choice whether you pick them up yourself or not.

Tbh if my parents did this I wouldn't be bothered and would be glad of the break, if my pil did it I wouldn't be happy, but there are good reasons for that, if they could be trusted I might feel differently. My DP would feel the same, so it's not just me.

I can and I do, MN is always like this.

Nobody knows for sure if she planned to stay or not. Why wouldn’t she have asked you if it was ok if DD could stay rather than pull this stunt? I wouldn’t want to get a 2 hour taxi either in her shoes! Or put someone out who wasn’t feeling well by having them do a 4 hour round car journey.

Is MIL usually reliable? Or have you had reason to not trust her in the past? Also if you’re going to trust her to take an 18 month old out for the day on a train with a 4 and 7 year old, personally I would have trusted her to look after DD for the night and tried to enjoy the rest at home alone!

@rostronlorn I would have reacted like you also. I would absolutely have to know the address of where my DS was staying and I would have felt pushed aside.

I mentioned the thread to my DP to say 'how would you feel if this happened to our DS' and he said the fact the address was withheld is abduction. Just to clarify, I know that sounds strong and I'm not for a second saying your MIL did this at all.

It's beside the point if DS had a good time or not. The fact is you're her mother and you should have a say in where she stays, and with whom. I'm sure if you MIL had involved you in this and you had agreed then all would have been well - there wouldn't have been a thread!

I would just calmly, without finger pointing, explain to MIL that you didn't like the fact you didn't know the people who DS stayed with and not knowing the address gave anxiety. Move on though and hopefully you can all have a strong good relationship going forward.

Can I just ask everyone on here - if you had a very young child and you weren't told the address of where they were staying the night - would you genuinely be ok with this? Am I in the minority here of not being ok with that?

Mil planned it but if you felt that uncomfortable with it you should of pushed for an address to pick her up

No. I am not ok with that well. It's job one on the important stuff to know about your toddler, imo.

wellhelloyou why would you need the address if you knew your dc were their loving and capable grandparent that you’d trusted to take them out for the day?

How would the address make you feel more easy?

wellhelloyou nope, I would absolutely NOT be ok with it, neither would DP. Regardless of who's parents it was that had done this.