To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

Don’t we have a responsibility to try to stop someone making dangerous choices'

Why is driving to collect DD a 'dangerous' choice? OP was ready to collect DD, so it is reasonable to suggest that she felt able to do so. Let's not move into the realms of paranoid fantasy.

But I was enjoying the final destination meets sliding doors of horrific scenarios that may befall the dd based on who you think is in the wrong...let's not go just cutting that down willy nilly GPatz.

I would be furious if that happened to me OP. YANBU.

1. MIL broke the contract that was agreed upon.

1. MIL did not tell OP where OP's child was.

That is unacceptable. MIL is not the parent.

OP is an adult. She can determine whether or not she's safe to drive. Unless MIL has conclusive evidence that OP was unsafe to drive she has NO business deciding that OP isn't safe. Even then, the appropriate response when there are concerns about child welfare is to contact social services, not refuse to hand the child back.

I'd be fuming. You don't keep a child from their parents because you decided it would be easier. The refusing to give the address and hanging up says to me it was planned by MIL.

Next time she's in contact calmly explain to her why she's very lucky you didn't call the police because they would have taken it very seriously. How embarrassing for her would it have been if they showed up at her evening with her friends and informed them that the child's mother had no idea where she was and the GM refused to let her go home.

How embarrassing for her would it have been if they showed up at her evening with her friends and informed them that the child's mother had no idea where she was and the GM refused to let her go home.

Not to be rude, but how would the police know where to turn up if the mother had no idea where the child was cause mil wouldn't/didnt tell her?

I think this is outrageous. I would have driven and picked my child up anyway. If it was an accident, it isn't a big deal but you still have the right to choose to have your dd back. If she planned it, she has been completely deceitful. I'd never be able to trust her again.

She's with the friends who own the local park/farm. Local police should find the house based on their name, depending on size of the village/town/city they're in. OP either had the name from the GM, or could get it from FB with the photo or the police phone the GM and tell her she has to let them know.

Love how some say we don't know the mil was pissed/how unsafe the house was/she didn't miss the train deliberately etc, while almost in the same breath knowing exactly how ill op was and whether she was ok to drive

Sorry my last post was to Moralitym1n1

I'd have told her after a few refusals that she gives me the address or I'll be calling the police to report my child kidnapped.

I wouldn't Oyster - to that I wouldn't want to, but I think the police have enough to do responding to actual crimes.

The MIL is a manipulative scheming witch, but to turn this into a reportable crime is going further than I'd be prepared to do.

It's the deceit, and the blatant refusal to allow the OP to have her child back that is infuriating. Although I suppose technically it may be "kidnap", OP knows that her child isn't going to end up sinus an ear if the ransom isn't paid.

I would wait a long time before I let my MIL take my child out again though. A very long time.

Well the OP told us herself she had been having terribke sickness, had slept from 9-5 and still felt like shit so thats a bit more info than a picture.

Christ. The way some people on here act when a parent in law wants to spend time with their child.

Planned time - fine.

Just deciding to keep them over night with no notice, no supplies, and no permission - very much not fine.

@RuggerHug

I think op said they live a good distance away from the petting farm, seems like a big area for police to be searching for address by name (not sure what police use as directory) but I suppose it's possible. In the circumstances though, I'd imagine the police would advise to try to resolve such a 'dimestic' situation personally first though.

Christ. The way some people on here act when a parent in law wants to spend time with their child.

So if Mil came into your house took your child without asking and took them on a one week holiday it would be fine because she was just trying to spend some lovely quality time with her DGC?

“Let's not move into the realms of paranoid fantasy.”

Oh we’ve been there and out the other side with the grandmother leaving the child to the mercy of child abusers, and the suggestion the police would take all this very seriously.....

“So if Mil came into your house took your child without asking and took them on a one week holiday it would be fine because she was just trying to spend some lovely quality time with her DGC?”
No it wouldn’t. But that’s not what’s happened here, is it?

“The MIL is a manipulative scheming witch”

Well, she might be. Or she might be a woman who missed a train and came up with the safest, simplest solution to the problem. Who knows? We certainly don’t.

Oh I agree Moralitym1n1 but OP tried and she refused to give her the address. I know it might seem like a waste of time to some people but even if they phoned the GM she might have seen how wrong she was and given OP the address so she could decide what to do.

Also(I'm not in the UK so may be different procedures) based on what police officer family members have said before this would be considered VERY serious and worth sending them out.

I didn't see any mention of a hot tub.

If I had if obviously have added drowning risk to my litany :P.

Morality

Or she might be a woman who missed a train and came up with the safest, simplest solution to the problem. Who knows? We certainly don’t.

You can't just withhold the whereabouts of a child from their parents just because you think it's best. The parents get to choose- if you think a parent doesn't have the mental capacity to make that decision then the responsible thing would be is to call social services or the police, but clearly that's not appropriate in this situation.

@BertrandRussell

Don't pretend to be an idiot - I'm sure you're not. People were saying that the mother did nothing but try to spend time with her grandchild, she clearly didn't she took her grandchild for longer than agreed and refused to tell OP where she was so she could get her child back. This is very obviously unacceptable. Literally no question about it.

This thread has certainly brought out the crazies!
'd have told her after a few refusals that she gives me the address or I'll be calling the police to report my child kidnapped. I reckon that might have got through to her. I'd mean it too.
Seriously you would report a GP for abduction?
Yes she shouldn't have lied but the child was safe with her GP, the mothers on here make me cringe at times.
The other favourite was 'I'd be so sad and missing DD as I'd be expecting cuddles' you do know your kids will grow up and shock horror not need you.
Total OTT reactions.

OP, It doesnt sound to me pre planned (or she would have ensured she had enough clothes "incase they got muddy"). However I suspect her friend suggested it to her that day and she liked the idea.

I would be annoyed at her for the deceit but think maybe she just wanted to spend time with her friends and made a bad decision. However mostly I would be annoyed because she wouldnt give you the address. Thats completely out of order. If anything had happened you had zero idea where your child was. There is nothing stopping her doing that again. You asked her to bring your child home and she said no. You asked her for the address and she said no. Your opinion does not matter and she did what she wanted to do with that child. She even brought her back later than agreed.

I would never treat anyone like that and would never accept being treated like that.

I bet she didn't buy return train tickets for the day they went to the adventure farm.....most likely booked the return for the next day.
I'd ask her to show you the train tickets/booking details...bet she won't though cos it'll show she's a liar.