To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

I think we do @BertrandRussell but clearly not where those vicious MILs and crazy drunken GPs!

OP I would be very unhappy about this. It may have been well-intentioned but I wouldn't be at all pleased not knowing where my 18 month old was. What were the sleeping arrangements? Was there a cot, a stairgate, do they have a big dog etc? I don't get on with my MIL and I certainly don't trust her judgement when it comes to keeping my DCs safe so if I were in your shoes I would be livid. How dare she not even tell you where your daughter was!

I think that I would do anything I could to stop someone doing that.

So, you'd get in a taxi and bring the girl home, then?

But @NerrSnerr we know she "felt awful", went back to bed when they left and only got up at 5pm.

Don’t we have a responsibility to try to stop someone making dangerous choices?

If I was in this situation, the 'dangerous choice' would be hers to try withholding my child from me.
OP has morning sickness and was tired before a day of resting. I'm sure she wouldn't have offered to drive if too unwell.

@NerrSerr given she had slept from 9-5 and still felt like shit its fairly safe to say a 4 hour drive isnt a good idea.

We have no idea how the conversation went between the OP.

“ Where are you? I would rather come and get DD and I don’t mind driving, Don’t worry, you’re not feeling well, DD will be fine with me for the night and I’ll see you at 12 tomorrow “

Or

“ MIL tell me the address now, I do not want DD sleeping over at somewhere I don’t know, I will be driving over to get her so I need the address NOW. No DIL I will not be giving you the address and DD WILL be staying with me tonight”

See how the two conversations are very different?

I do know she didnt take the best care of her because telling her PARENTS where she was would have been the best care but she did not do that.

@NKFell that's the OP's call to make. She also might have chosen to ask a friend to drive her to collect her, or paid for a taxi, however expensive that may be. That would be her choice.

Why not check on the train line or similar and see if it really was the last train? Did she buy open returns or timed return, ended up paying for extra train tickets all round?

Doesn't matter. She kept someone elses child without permission and refused to give the address. There is no excuse for that what so ever.

I do know she didnt take the best care of her because telling her PARENTS where she was would have been the best care but she did not do that

No, that isn’t anything to do with not taking the best care of her grandchildren. She did something that the OP wasn’t happy with but it doesn’t mean she cared any less for them while in her care!

So the safest option is for a person who has been ill all day to do a 4 hour round trip in a car. Right

Really doesn't matter, it's not for the grandparent to decide. OP has morning sickness, that doesn't really affect your ability to drive, perhaps pull over for a couple of minutes but unlikely to cause a crash.

For Goodness sake, OP is the parent here not the child!
She has every right to decide whether her child stays out over night or not and to know exactly where she is. The issue here is the behaviour of the MIL in dismissing a parents wishes to have their child home and not disclosing their whereabouts. It's totally wrong regardless of illness, distance and train times!

Well imo it does. Its in the child's best interest for her parents to know where she is.

Of course it matters PlantPot. One example is showing that the MIL was concerned for her DILs well being knowing she wasn’t well and the other is being totally out of order.

I am fascinated that this is so divisive and it is probably massively coloured by personal experience. I was still bfeeding at this age (to sleep) so that would have concerned me but I have a great MIL that I trust completely (and who raised my lovely DH) so I would have trusted that she DID miss the train and her refusal to let me drive was her considering my wellbeing! A FB post of her having a drink in friends garden = de-stressing after the panic of a missed train when the issues of what to do/lack of nappies etc. were solved! I probably would have worried when my child did not return for dinner but after my initial annoyance at the call from the MIL would probably have gone. yup she had a problem and picked the best solution!

No. It doesnt. It doesnt matter why she did it. It was wrong. mil is not the childs parent. It wasnt her decision to make whether she did it out of kindness or care or not.

“I doubt the last train on Easter Saturday would be at 4.30pm - in fact it definitely wouldn’t be. So she planned it, basically abducted your child and then rather belittled you too. I’d be furious. Is DD ok?”

Oh, ffs. Of course dd is OK-otherwise the OP would have told us about the rope burns on her wrist from the “abduction”. And the train is easy to check- if it wasn't the last train the OP would have told us that too. The first thing anyone would have done when they got the missed train call was to check and see if there was a later one.

Well dd could have cried the whole night but we (and op) wouldn't know...

Ok PlantPot I’m not arguing with you anymore. I don’t agree with you that you think this woman didn’t look after her GC just because she was wrong to keep her overnight. So I’ll leave you to argue with someone else!

Your Mil planned it. It's obvious. That's why she went there to her friends park.

I'd have said "no I'm coming to collect her" and if she'd refused, called the police.

I'd have said "no I'm coming to collect her" and if she'd refused, called the police.

Bit far unless you hate your MIL that much

Since when would it be OK to withhold the whereabouts of someone's child because you deem it too dangerous for them to drive to pick them up?

It simply isn't the MIL's place to make that call. The OP is an adult and perfectly capable of making that decision herself.

Nobody has the right to withhold a child from their parent without a court order.

OK. Enlighten me, what do I need @Moralitym1n1**

A break from Aibu, like most of us.