To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

@PlantPot

Take a breath love. Seriously.

You’re talking like know this particular MIL. “Meanwhile back in real life” as you say, you know fuck all about this woman. You sound like you’re projecting, big time.

I’d advise you to step away from this thread for a while. You must have stuff to do? I mean, your children aren’t going to wrap themselves in cotton wool, now, are they?

God is love to have that sort of support, honestly I would. Your dd is a lucky little girl to have so many people who love her. .......we haven't spoke to my in laws for years. They took issue with my OH for daring to fall into depression when our son underwent tests for a life limiting condition.

OP does your SIL think it was planned or accidental?

I can't believe people are condoning the MIL's behaviour. If she wanted to stay the night then this should have been discussed beforehand.
Just because you love a child and will take good care of them doesn't give you the right to do as you wish with them without parental consent. Refusing the offer of a lift home and withholding the address is shocking and totally unacceptable behaviour. Personally my MIL would not be spending time with my children unsupervised if she pulled a stunt like this.
What would your husbands reaction be?

@AllTheFours44

Not everyone's focus in life is twee, cliched condescension instead of protecting and parenting their kids.

Which is the best and safest option?

The OP should get to decide with it being her child.

Jeezo. I would never dare to be 5 minutes late far less keep a DGC out all night AND be late back the next day. I am not the MIL to the DM of the DGC. I am DM to the DGC's mum

God is love to have that sort of support, honestly I would. Your dd is a lucky little girl to have so many people who love her. .......we haven't spoke to my in laws for years. They took issue with my OH for daring to fall into depression when our son underwent tests for a life limiting condition.
But this isn't about love, it's about someone behaving in a controlling, manipulative way. If she wished to have the child overnight she should have asked permission.

The only thing that really matters here is that you wanted to pick your DD up because you weren't comfortable with her staying in a strangers house and mil wouldn't let you. You are an adult and can decide yourself how capable you are, it's not up to her to decide if you need an over night break. She over stepped.

staying would be the safest opinion IF there Is somewhere suitable to sleep, she is being properly supervised AND op is happy with it, knows where she is and knows when she will be home.

Sorry, but I smell a rat. And I wouldn’t be happy if my MIL had done the same. I wouldn’t worry about DD staying away for the night but I would be majorly pissed off not having been consulted about it beforehand. She just wanted to show off her relationship with your DD to her friend I guess.

So the safest option is for a person who has been ill all day to do a 4 hour round trip in a car. Right.

allthefours

awww making fun of someone who parents their child well.

I think its you with the issues.

i'm not projecting anything, I don't have in law issues, because they don't do any childcare as they have a busy social life, and I am fine with that! My parents wouldn't do this, so again no projection there.

Put down your armchair psychology book.

OK. Enlighten me, what do I need @Moralitym1n1

Actually, the more I think about it , the more I think the most dangerous and irresponsible choice is the 4 hour drive. I think that I would do anything I could to stop someone doing that. Regardless of any other circumstances.

For me the issue is nothing to do with how responsible MIL is or whether a child should be away overnight. I'm sure the MIL is a wonderful grandparent and loves their granddaughter.

What is the issue is that MIL made parental decisions that she is not entitled to make. If OP wanted to collect her DD she has every right to do so regardless of whether MIL or any of us disagree with her.

For this reason alone your MIL has overstepped boundaries and rightly so has lost the trust of OP.

but the MIL didn't do that did she Bertrand

the sensible thing would have been to tell the OP the address, the home phone number, whatever. Talked to her nicely, explained where they were, in case of emergencies.

I assume OPs mind would have been more at rest knowing where her child was.

If my mil did this I would go ape shit in all honesty and she would not be going on any unaccompanied outings with her again for a long time

People will tell you not to be so sensitive, to enjoy the break blah blah blah but I would be utterly furious if someone didn’t return my toddler, refused to allow me to collect her, hung up the phone and then withheld details of her whereabouts from me!

So she wouldn’t be going on a trip to Tesco’s with mil from now on if she was mine, you have my sympathy op my in-laws think they’re always right too

PlantPot you do not know that this woman didn’t take the best care of her grandchildren. I would bet that she did. The issue here is whether she knew she was going to be staying over all along, if she did then that was underhand obviously but none of us know for sure this was the case.

“If OP wanted to collect her DD she has every right to do so regardless of whether MIL or any of us disagree with her.”

Don’t we have a responsibility to try to stop someone making dangerous choices?

I doubt the last train on Easter Saturday would be at 4.30pm - in fact it definitely wouldn’t be. So she planned it, basically abducted your child and then rather belittled you too. I’d be furious. Is DD ok?

Realistically OP is this the sort of lies she would undertake. She had her other grandchildren with her, so either she lied to their parents as well or they are also lying to you. Her friend must also have been in on the lie as they are both on sm and it wasnt mentioned? When you start to add these things in it does seem like missing the train was accidental. And yes she could have told you the address but she probably didn't out of concern for you driving a long distance when you are poorly.

The issue here is whether she knew she was going to be staying over all along, if she did then that was underhand obviously but none of us know for sure this was the case. -THIS

Bertrand we have no idea how unsafe OP would be driving. Just like we have no idea how unsafe the house they were staying in was.

I had HG. I would have chosen not to go on a day trip so I could rest but I would have been able to drive a 4 hour trip if I needed to (I probably did). Sitting in a car is very different to walking around all day and chasing after a toddler.