To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

Don’t statistics show that more often than not that children are abused by family members? People who have close contact to the child at regular times?

because of the many reasons I have just mentioned! Christ!

even if she was in the garden having a non alcoholic drink, I would be worried about an 18mo inside, probably not in a cot or a bed with a guard, near stairs with no gate, with nobody else being able to hear them if they cry / get hurt / fall out of bed.

Don’t statistics show that more often than not that children are abused by family members? People who have close contact to the child at regular times?

They do, but that doesn't mean they're not abused by opportunistic 'strangers' sometimes too; personally I wouldn't have my child overnight in a house with people, including a man, I don't know, 2 hours away with their carer not sober .. thinking "oh it's ok, it's far more likely someone she knows would abuse her so it probably wouldn't happen" (and then go back to watching the Kardashians and filing my nails like a fkg airhead).

If the op trusted her to look after the child on a 2 hour train journey and at a farm park why is she suddenly going to become incapable of keeping her safe in a house?

Cause she was drinking and sleeping (?)

Would you let an 18mo sleep in a bed without a bed guard, in a house they don't know, no stair gates, no baby monitor?

DS1 slept in a bed at MIL's at 18mths. She'd removed all the bannisters on her stair and there were no stair gates either. She probably had a glass of wine in the garden too. The house wasn't overly familiar to him because we lived 3 hours away and only visited about 3 or 4 times a year. He didn't come to any harm and one thing I've learned from her over the years is that she cherishes her DGC and would never, ever put them in harms way.

You don’t know that she wasn’t sober. You have no idea how much she’d drank. Obviously the OP trusted her MIL to take her 18 month old DD out for the day on a two hour train journey with two other young children, so I’m guessing she has a large amount of faith in her to make sure all the children will be looked after during her watch.

Why would you think she’d stop being responsible just because it’s dark?

“Would you let an 18mo sleep in a bed without a bed guard, in a house they don't know, no stair gates, no baby monitor?”
How do you know any of this happened?

fairy sorry but everything you've just said in that post screams harms way.

There is not a cat in hells chance I would let my 18mo stay in conditions like that.

How could she have ensured he didn't fall out of bed, down the stairs, kill himself? presumably she slept whilst he slept?

She may well cherish him, but that environment was not a safe environment for an 18mo to sleep in.

Just because he (very luckily) didn't come to any harm, doesn't mean it was safe or sensible.

I have a firm one. Check out child abuse stats

You absolutely don't. I don't need to, thanks

I don't know, but if MIL wasn't planning on sleeping there, it would be odd to assume that the friend had stair gates, travel cots and monitors set up wouldn't it?

do most childless people have these things?

lol its not because its dark, its for the reasons I have mentioned several times. Stop being so deliberately obtuse.

I would not be happy about this at all. I am fuming with my grandparents currently and they 'only' returned my son hours late. Parents need all the information so they can make the best decision for their child. If she wanted a sleep over, you should get to decide if it happens or not.

You absolutely don't.

Yes I do, you don't.

I don't need to, thanks

Yes, you do dear.

How long do you want to play panto "no you don't, yes I do, no it isn't"?
I'm bored already so I won't be playing anymore.

fairy sorry but everything you've just said in that post screams harms way.

Yeah she sounds generally irresponsible.

A picture of somebody in a garden with a glass of wine doesnt mean they were tipsy neither does it mean the little one wasnt in the garden just not in shot. Or maybe sleeping in the lounge on cushions on the floor. It might be a bunglow so no need for a stairgate. It is still most likely that the most danger the child would be in is with a poorly mother doing a 4 hr round journey in a car.

You don’t know that she wasn’t sober. You have no idea how much she’d drank

She was drinking so she was not sober - what's complicated about that. I don't care how drunk she was in the breathalyser scale; just that she wasn't sober.

Just to clarify, the house isn't on the adventure farm. From what I've gathered the farm is out in the country and the train station is about 5 miles away in the nearest town and the friends did the lifts from the train to the adventure farm. I've done a bit of digging on FB (since starting the thread) and it looks like the friends actually live in a very big house (I knew with them owning the play farm they'd have a huge house which worried me) in the next town over.

They do seem to have young DGC of there own so I'm assuming a cot and nappies were readily avaliable. I go from thinking maybe I overreacted to being absolutley fuming. I do think my main issue is that she didn't just be straight with me about having planned it. I still doubt it was an accident as certain things she claimed regarding train times etc made me go a bit

PlantPotParrot it isn’t obtuse to think that a woman that can look after her grandchildren during the day loses all capability because the sun goes down.

its v different arranging a day out and a parent being fine with it, and then keeping an 18mo overnight in a strange place and refusing to give you the address.
That. It's clear that posters fall in to two camps. Those who think they'd love the break, and those who'd be really twitchy aboout their 18 month old being away for a night, unplanned.

I think I was a pretty relaxed parent compared to most of my friends, but I'd definitely have fallen into the latter camp. My kids were never away from me overnight at that age (both sets of grandparents lived a couple of hours away, so it wasn't something that happened). I'd definitely have wanted to go and get them, and if my mum or MIL had refused to tell me where they were, I'd have been angry and stressed.

“do most childless people have these things?”
No- but people with grandchildren often do....
And anyway, I repeat. Why do you assume that the mil concerned wouldn’t have been as alert to the child’s safety and anyone else? If she can keep her safe on a 2 hour train journey then surely she could keep her safe in a house?

Also op didn't explicitly trust mil to keep her baby/toddler overnight; she thought she was bringing her back. She was given no choice.

I don't know if she keeps her overnight at other times, but even if she does; she presumably wasn't on a jolly with her mates two hours away in a strange house.

But you can’t know for certain OP that she planned this. If she had why do you think she didn’t ask you beforehand if DD could sleep? Sounds like you trust her to look after DD given that you allowed her to go out for the day. Why would MIL have been sneaky about it all?

fairy sorry but everything you've just said in that post screams harms way.

There is not a cat in hells chance I would let my 18mo stay in conditions like that.

How could she have ensured he didn't fall out of bed, down the stairs, kill himself? presumably she slept whilst he slept?

She may well cherish him, but that environment was not a safe environment for an 18mo to sleep in.

Just because he (very luckily) didn't come to any harm, doesn't mean it was safe or sensible.

Jesus wept! You can have all the safety equipment in your house but you can never ensure that a child won't have an accident, ever.

DS1 is now 24 and the second youngest of 7 grandchildren. MIL has 3 children and 2 great grandchildren. Not one of them has had a serious accident in her care. They've never poked anything up theirs noses or in their ears, had access to any cleaning chemicals that they shouldn't have.

I love my MIL, which I know is strange concept to grasp, and I've never,ever thought for one minute she's had anything else but the best interests of my children at heart.

It does sound like she deliberately lied to you op. Maybe with your best interests at heart, maybe not, but she definitely lied. I'd struggle to trust her again tbh, and I'd tell her why.