To think she shouldn't have stayed away with DD?

[rostronlorn]

DH is working at sea so it's just me and DD 18 months at home. MIL arranged to take DD and her 2 other grandkids (4 and 7) to an adventure farm type place on Easter Saturday for an Easter Egg hunt event. There was also a petting zoo and face painting etc. I originally was going to go along with them but am 5 weeks pregnant and experiencing awful sickness. DD was bored with me unable to take her out so when MIL offered to take her anyway I said yes.

The adventure park is a 2 hours drive away. The reason she chose this and not somewhere nearer is because it is owned and run by her close friend. MIL doesn't drive and got the train. She picked up DD at 9 to catch the 9:30 train. I was told they'd be catching the 5:30 train back and DD would be back at 6. As soon as she picked DD up I went back to bed. Around 5 I get up and everything seems fine, MIO has sent pics etc. Expecting DD back in less than an hour I decide to make a start on our tea. Then about 5:45 I get a frantic text from MIL saying she'd missed the train. It was the last train of the day. She wasn't willing to ask a family member for help and claimed she didn't have any money for a taxi which I found somewhat odd. Despite feeling like shit I offered to go and pick them all up and she insisted she couldn't allow me to do that. I said it was fine etc, it didn't matter because it was my DD and she hung up.

She phones 10 minutes later and says her friend is coming to get her and they will stay the night at hers and come home first thing. I still insisted on getting DD but she said "No. Get some rest. Will have DD back by lunchtime tomorrow." I rang SIL and she seemed fine about what MIL waa doing. I couldn't pick my DD up as I didn't have the friends address. I went to bed thouroghly pissed off because I saw from the photos that DD's clothes got muddy at the farm and I hadn't packed enough nappies for an overnight.

She returns DD at 1pm (she said between 11-12) and acts like it's no big deal. I did make an offhand comment to her that I found it a bit uncomfortable that my toddled spent the night in a house with people I have never met and that I would've been happy to come and collect them all or pay some of the taxi fare for them so they could have come home that night. MIL has been quite funny about it and said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future. AIBU?

But if MIL was aware she would be happy for her to have her overnight then presumably it may well have been genuine because she wouldn't have needed to be deceitful

@NoSauce ok we're all different, thanks for clarifying.

As I say, it's not about how much you trust the person, it's it's about the unknown other people/location that would worry me. I just don't get why the address couldn't have been given when the OP asked. It seems strange. Caused a lot more anxiety to a pregnant person than necessary. So easy to give the address.

Right OP I hope you're ok and feeling better now. I'm off to devour the leftover Easter chocolate, take care of yourself and your DS x

What kind of adult can only be trusted to keep a child safe in daylight hours? “How they’re sleeping” is not a safety issue. If OP really thinks MIL is so ineffective at childcare she would bring a child to someone’s house and not be able to assess whether it is safe, she shouldn’t trust her to take her on a train, to an adventure park, because in terms of risk, those two things hold far more risk to a child than sleeping in a strange bed

Spot on.

I'm thinking that the plannedness or not is irrelevant.

Op wanted to collect her daughter (could have left the others there) & wasn't allowed to.

If she had given the address then the OP would have undertaken a 4hr round trip to collect her despite feeling like absolute shit and having soent the whole day in bed. That is a oot less safe than staying with GP at a friends.

I'd be angry OP

If your daughter was older I dont think it would have been an issue but she is only 18 months, that's too young to understand a missed train and going back in the morning, and to stay in an unfamiliar house without you in my opinion. It's not about not trusting your mil to keep her safe it's about keeping a young toddler feeling safe and comfortable and I don't think she tried very hard to do this

Might be different if she is used to spending a lot of time with your mil and she regularly takes her away overnight. But at that age mine had literally never spent a night apart from me or my husband and I know they would not have been ok with it

That's before we get to the issue of if it was planned or she was lying!

The address bit is unclear though. Did the OP keep pressing for it, telling MIL that she wasn’t happy not knowing exactly where her DD was or did the OP ask for it when she was thinking of driving over but MIL didn’t give her because she didn’t want her driving so far while unwell?

I think if it were the former the OP would have made a point of mentioning this in her posts.

"Op wanted to collect her daughter (could have left the others there) & wasn't allowed to."

Indeed, but because it's the holiness that is a mil op needs to be fine with it.

Nope.

I would be furious at the withholding of the address. No-one has my child overnight at an address without me knowing.

It’s not the fact she missed the train, or even that they stayed over. I would have happily let my DS stay in this situation, but I would have wanted the address for where they are staying.

I did ask several times for address and she said she didn't want me driving with morning sickness
She definitely didn't want to give you the address so you couldn't even send/get a taxi.
So basically you had no idea where your dd was all night - and that is unacceptable.

said she won't be so keen to take DD out in future
I'd tell her she won't ever be getting the chance after pulling this stunt!
First she deceives you about her intentions - when all she had to do was ASK....she didn't give a shit about how your dd would feel being away from her mum all night in a strange place....she REFUSED to give you the address of where your dd was staying....and when you call her out on it she uses emotional blackmail to put you back in your box.

You have every right to feel pissed off and angry about this OP.
For all you know your dd was sleeping under a paedophile's roof and mil was too busy drinking to notice!

She deliberately over-ruled you about your own dd and refused to let you know where she was staying.
I'd be letting rip at her....your dh doesn't do much parenting and he's not experiencing this kind of cuntish behaviour from his mother so of course he's not going see anything wrong with her behaviour.

I'd have been frantic not knowing where exactly my 18 month old was sleeping, or who she was with. I certainly wouldn't be letting MiL take her out again until she was older. And I wouldn't have got much rest, either. It's one thing arranging for her to have a sleepover in advance, another for her to take her for one without permission!

I'm glad she was OK and obviously not too put out by the change of plans, but just because it turned out OK doesn't mean you are BU to be concerned.

My young toddler, in a strange house, knowing only her (probably tipsy, sleeping soundly) granny, with a man who could be/do who knows fkg what ... her essentially refusing to give me the address so I could bring her home ( and very likely planned and involving deceit from the start) so she could get 'happy' with her mates....

No pregnancy hormones here but I'd have torn her a new one, there would be a serious problem in our relationship. She wouldn't need to worry about taking my child out again, she'd need to worry about seeing me or her again.

My young toddler, in a strange house, knowing only her (probably tipsy, sleeping soundly) granny, with a man who could be/do who knows fkg what

FFS.

*FFS

Naive.

If it wasnt planned (and as OP has said it would have been ok if it was why would MIL need to lie) there is far more chance that a very unwell OP would have had a car accident on a 4hr round drive than anything else happening.

What is the figure - one in 3 girls (1 in 5 boys) abused?

My young toddler, in a strange house, knowing only her (probably tipsy, sleeping soundly) granny, with a man who could be/do who knows fkg what ...

Get a bloody grip!

Certainly not naive. I’m just not someone who thinks that every man is a potential peedo.

you have a problem with trusting your family members, don’t make that an issue with my parenting

no I don't, but if you're happy to blindly trust a lying MIL and some stranger's you've never met 2 hrs away, your problems are bigger than my non existent ones!

sorry but "how they're sleeping" is s safety issue when they're 18mo. Would you let an 18mo sleep in a bed without a bed guard, in a house they don't know, no stair gates, no baby monitor? I wouldn't. Especially if the person responsible for them is out in the garden having a drink whilst they're asleep.

Where did you get those figures from?

Have I missed the bit where it says the mil has a drink problem?

Get a bloody grip!

I have a firm one. Check out child abuse stats.

Also you don't know anyone's background/, experience - I know it's aibu, home of rudeness, but try not to be so ignorant and foolish.

I would have been absolutely furious if my DM or MIL did this. If she’d called to explain the situation and ask if you were ok with her keeping DD overnight it would have been wildly different to her insisting she keep DD and giving you no other option.

I’d be holding off on future ‘day trips’ if I were you.

If the op trusted her to look after the child on a 2 hour train journey and at a farm park why is she suddenly going to become incapable of keeping her safe in a house?

Well @Bertrand Russell in the same way as she is GP so obviously far too old to be able to look after children she had a picture with a glass of wine in her hand so she must be a raving alcoholic.