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Original poster

What would you do? CF boyfriend?

156 replies

owlettafeather · 24/04/2019 10:17

For a couple of (complicated and outing) reasons, my cohabiting boyfriend has not paid anything towards our joint outgoings for about a year and a half.

Yesterday, at my bedtime, he realised he'd got a PPI payout of nearly £2k straight to his bank account. He'd applied and had been waiting for it, but it was much more than expected.

I was pleased and thought it would take some of the pressure off me having to pay for everything all the time. I'm on my break at work and have just read a text from him, saying he's bought a new QLED tv with the money.

My first reaction is anger. I feel like telling him to cancel the order and put the money in the joint account, so he can actually contribute usefully. Am I being too harsh? I know it's technically his money to use as he wishes, but it just seems so... selfish. What would you do?

OP posts:
kittens876 · 24/04/2019 14:55

This reminds me of my ex husband. He couldn’t work for 2 bloody years and I paid for everything. If he got money, he would keep it for himself. I Married him! Then he cheated on me. Had been all along. Ergh! Don’t do it! I was a complete Idiot! It only gets worse! Get Rid! Now happily divorced and have just had to go through the child maintenance service to figure out what he actually earns. I would Never pay for everything again. It messes up the power levels in a relationship. You have to be equals and you’re not xx

BlueSkiesLies · 24/04/2019 15:12

Why on earth do you have suck a low opinion of yourself that you think you deserve nothing better than this cock lodging useless selfish lump of flesh as your 'partner'.

Get rid. You'll be much happier. Honestly. Just do it now.

BlueJag · 24/04/2019 15:23

What a selfish prick. A TV??????? When there are bills to pay? Food to buy? I'll kill him. No regard for you.

CantStopMeNow · 24/04/2019 15:51

We bought a house together 4 years ago, and then the depression hit about two years after...The little he does earn goes on his phone bill and hobby..
Too 'depressed' to work/contribute anything including housework but not too depressed to do his hobby....he saw you coming didn't he OP?

I think he's using MH as an excuse to sit on his arse pleasing himself and scrounging off you.

Wake up OP - you're being played and used.

Twisique · 24/04/2019 15:52

Keep the Tv...

MulticolourMophead · 24/04/2019 16:09

If you bought the house together, I can see why you can't just throw him out.

But stop doing anything for him, tell him the relationship is over, and don't fund any of his stuff, phone, hobbies, whatever.

Look to getting him out long term, can you buy him out?

MH issues do not excuse being like a dick.

TowelNumber42 · 24/04/2019 16:11

Do you know how to tell him to cancel the TV and pay the back mortgage and bills owed to you?

Btw, if I were seriously mentally ill and I suddenly came into money, I'd spend it on therapy.

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 24/04/2019 16:19

Very sorry to hear about your situation OP. It's not really about the telly is it, although that is one of the most selfish things I've heard in ages. It seems like you're both in a bad place because of his illness and subsequent behaviour and choices. You can't be responsible for everything anymore.

I really think you need to put yourself first before you become unwell too and maybe have a good think about exactly what you want to happen before you broach the subject because you don't want to be blamed for making him more ill and feel like you have to back down.

Perhaps calmly ask him to return the tv and contribute towards bills and debts this evening (if you see him). You might need more time to sort out the rest though. Counselling could be good for you, might help you sort out what you are really feeling and what actions to take to achieve your goals.

Good luck OP xx

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/04/2019 17:46

my calmness is really just being numb, like a bystander in my own life. No-one really knows how bad things are and I feel like I'm cracking up.

This numbness is actually a warning sign, as is feeling like a bystander in your own life.

As I said in a previous post, I've suffered very serious depressive illness myself, and this detachment from the situation, and almost a feeling of watching someone else live in your body/life/situation is a red flag that you are indeed on the brink of a breakdown yourself. It's your mind attempting to protect you by distancing you from what is happening.

Please get yourself out of this relationship. I know it will be very difficult, but you describe yourself as almost "cracking up". Listen to your body.

Do you have any family or friends who can support you through this you really need to get away from this man. It may sound dramatic, but he is destroying you. And when you are ofno use to him (eg if YOU end up having a breakdown/ depressive illness) then HE will be the one to walk away and he will take everything - because you will not be able to fight him.

At the moment you are comparatively healthy, you have a job, you have an income - you hold all the cards. Don't move out if you can possibly avoid it, because it effectively hands over possession to him. But get proper legal advice (might be worth posting on the legal forum on here for some pointers).

Don't interact with him. Put a lock on the second bedroom (I assume you are at least in a two-bedroom property) and move into there. Don't do anything for him. If necessary buy your food daily so that he can't use the stuff that you purchase when you are out of the house (I suspect that he will just raid your food supplies if you aren't in to stop him).

It's a horrible, horrible situation and my heart aches for you, but you really need to get rid of him. If family/ friends can offer you support and protection - accept it! You need all the help you can get because this is going to be an emotionally difficult situation.

Serenity45 · 24/04/2019 17:53

Cheeky selfish fucker. Hope he can fashion a suitable shelter out of his fancy TV when you boot his sorry arse out

woolduvet · 24/04/2019 18:42

I'd have to ask him to return the tv to pay his portion of the bills. If he refused then I think that's him showing how much he cares about the relationship and also that he just sees you as a way to pay the bills.
What will happen when you run out of savings.

Sickandsurprised2019 · 24/04/2019 22:56

Tell him to return the tv and put the money towards the mortgage. Then stop doing anything for him and push him to doing thw lions share of house stuff if he can't, or won't as this man sounds like a freeloader, work.

Ellisandra · 24/04/2019 23:38

Use this as your perfect excuse to dump him. You don’t need an excuse - but sometimes, it’s just easier when you have one!

Treesthemovie · 24/04/2019 23:46

Dump him, he has no respect for you

woolduvet · 25/04/2019 09:29

I suffer with depression and other illnesses and there are days when I can't do much.
But there are days when I do lots, and if I came into some money it'd be going into our account.
Depression isn't always an excuse for being an arse.

DowntonCrabby · 25/04/2019 09:41

How would you like your future to go owl?

How do you it planning out if you stay in this relationship?

A few months of hurt/upheaval/probably emotional blackmail by ending things will be awful but categorically worth it in the end.

His MH issues are awful for him but you’ll only get one attempt at life.

DowntonCrabby · 25/04/2019 09:42

*see it panning out

Ghanagirl · 25/04/2019 09:46

@SaveKevin
You put your partner before your children why?

SaveKevin · 25/04/2019 16:25

@Ghanagirl
Fuck no, I didn't have kids when i was with my ex. I had them with my subsequent partner, but my exes actions and my inability to get out of the situation cleanly and early enough has meant that it has impacted on my (now DH) children. Had i put myself first and not waited for him to get better, not waited for him to get a job, I would have walked away with a nice amount of equity from the house and a nice pot of savings - which obviously would have enabled my children to have the stability (and potential inheritance) and benefit of a home and financial stability.

Petitprince · 02/05/2019 09:13

How are you getting on OP?

KittyInTheCradle · 02/05/2019 09:21

He asked you to cover his living expenses because he had debts and can't work...

Why didn't he use the 2k to pay his debts

Why isn't he on benefits to help out financially!

Ridiculous :( sure maybe get yourself a little treat but he should have said 'great this takes the pressure off you as I can help out for a few months', surely?

If it turns out he is already on benefits and spending that for treats while you pay outgoings, LTB

KittyInTheCradle · 02/05/2019 09:26

Just saw he uses his income for a hobby while you pay the bills.

Sorry, he's really selfish. At least he should have asked you if he wanted to spend it on a big treat - at least one for you both.

Is his hobby online gaming. If so, he just bought the TV for himself.

Newhere555 · 02/05/2019 10:00

He’s using you! If he loved or had any respect for you he would have put that money in the joint account

You know what you need to do you just don’t want to see it

KittyInTheCradle · 02/05/2019 10:27

Also, if he's in debt maybe he should think twice about having a hobby that seemingly costs his entire benefits income?
Do you have a similar high cost hobby?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 02/05/2019 10:41

What everyone else had said.

The situation is ludicrous my jaw literally dropped when I read you had been doing this for 18 bloody months.

It’s an absolute joke - he isn’t your child, you are not responsible for carrying him when he decides to opt out of “adulting” and to spunk all his money on gaming (which is definitely his “hobby” Hmm

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN
RUN FOR THE HILLS

Ps I bet he goes for 50/50 equity despite not bothering to pay the mortgage for two years