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Original poster

What would you do? CF boyfriend?

156 replies

owlettafeather · 24/04/2019 10:17

For a couple of (complicated and outing) reasons, my cohabiting boyfriend has not paid anything towards our joint outgoings for about a year and a half.

Yesterday, at my bedtime, he realised he'd got a PPI payout of nearly £2k straight to his bank account. He'd applied and had been waiting for it, but it was much more than expected.

I was pleased and thought it would take some of the pressure off me having to pay for everything all the time. I'm on my break at work and have just read a text from him, saying he's bought a new QLED tv with the money.

My first reaction is anger. I feel like telling him to cancel the order and put the money in the joint account, so he can actually contribute usefully. Am I being too harsh? I know it's technically his money to use as he wishes, but it just seems so... selfish. What would you do?

OP posts:
rosegoldivy · 24/04/2019 10:42

He's in debt

So why not pay the 2 grand towards his debt?????

i would be absolutly raging about him buying a new tv. wither you can afford all the bills through your wages and savings is not the point. hes taking you for a ride.

does he work at all?

AvengersAssemble · 24/04/2019 10:42

Mentally ill my arse! Stop making excuses for him, he is taking the piss out of you well and truly because he knows you will continue to pay for it all. I would tell him to return the TV and pay back the money he owes you whilst kicking his sponging arse out the door!

Stop being such a doormat!

woolduvet · 24/04/2019 10:43

You shouldn't be using savings to cover him.
He needs to contribute or leave.
Find somewhere you can afford.

BlingLoving · 24/04/2019 10:44

Completely not okay and here's my first ever, no discussion or consideration to the other side... LTB.

TheInvestigator · 24/04/2019 10:44

Leave him. He’s not our husband and this is not what you should want for the rest of your life.

Leave.

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/04/2019 10:45

Christ on a bike, he sounds like my Ex. I was an idiot and went into debt to keep him happy while he went bankrupt, all the while slagging me off for being rubbish with money....

EleanorLavish · 24/04/2019 10:46

What does he do,OP?
Does he do the housework? Sort all the laundry? Organise and cook most of the meals?
I doubt it.

Margot33 · 24/04/2019 10:47

Maybe he needs to go home to his parents to sort himself and priorities out? You can do much better.

Chickychoccyegg · 24/04/2019 10:47

Unbelievably selfish if him, why should he live rent/bill free while treating himself to an expensive t.v, honestly, when you get home tell him he should have transferred it for bills , see what he says, if he doesnt cancel the t.v order/give you a decent amount, chuck him out, why should you pay for him when he has no thought for you?

Bookworm4 · 24/04/2019 10:48

What's his illness? Lazy scroungeritis??

huuskymam · 24/04/2019 10:50

Tell him it will look good at his new address and chuck him out. You've been carrying him for 18 months, how much longer are you going to let it continue. And when he does come into money, he spends it on non essentials when there's debt to be paid.

Original poster
owlettafeather · 24/04/2019 10:50

We've been together for a very long time- over a decade. He had a mortgage and was self-sufficient. We bought a house together 4 years ago, and then the depression hit about two years after.

The little he does earn goes on his phone bill and hobby.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 24/04/2019 10:51

OP just get rid of him and get on with your life.

Depression is one thing CFery is another.

SaveKevin · 24/04/2019 10:51

This sounds exactly like my ex. Mental health stopped him working (or doing anything round the house), so I was left working and paying everything. It didn’t take long for savings to go, then my wages didn’t cover it and I was having to put stuff on credit. He sold my car (I was paying the loan) and kept the cash (it was easier to just let it happen so as not to upset his mental health) and eventually the house was almost repossessed, I was over £50,000 in debt and there was no equity in the house as he’d remortgaged.
Cut to over 10 years later

I am still paying it off, I can never buy another property again my (not his) children are stuck in this bull shit precarious renting. I cut my own hair and wear second hand clothes. Life’s HARD.

Meanwhile his parents bailed him out, he’s still in the house and married, nice car etc.

What’s his is his, what’s yours is his. He didn’t even offer half or discuss what to do with it.

TheSerenDipitY · 24/04/2019 10:51

if it were me id go home and tell hes to start paying his share and if he said no id shove the tv over

Jaxhog · 24/04/2019 10:52

If it were me, there would be a new QLED tv and a packed bag on the doorstep. Today.

Downunderduchess · 24/04/2019 10:52

Does not bode well for the future, cut your losses now. You will look back at this experience & wonder why you didn't do it sooner. I have been in exactly your position when I was in my twenties, I knew it was wrong then, it took me a while to leave but when I did I felt so free and confident I'd done the right thing for my future. He is a selfish prick, who likely won't change.

EleanorLavish · 24/04/2019 10:52

Please don't fall in to the trap of "we have been together so long, it would be a shame to waste all those years".
Just move on!
Is it that you feel guilty as he is depressed?
You have been supportive, but he has perhaps become used to things being this way?

cheesydoesit · 24/04/2019 10:53

Is his hobby cycling? YANBU btw.

ohfourfoxache · 24/04/2019 10:54

What a tool Shock

Get rid, life is too short to put up with this shit

Whatsnewpussyhat · 24/04/2019 10:58

He had a mortgage and was self-sufficient. We bought a house together 4 years ago, and then the depression hit about two years after

How convenient for him. Depression is truly awful, but I'm a cynical fucker and it feels like he really is taking the piss. Tell him to cancel the TV order asap. Cheeky gobshite.

Its very familiar. Have you posted about him before? Is he doing anything to help himself?

If I were you I would divorce him and cut your losses now. You are lucky that you can support yourself.

Original poster
owlettafeather · 24/04/2019 11:00

EleanorLavish, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't say anything, because I know he's struggling and hurting, and maybe he's just become used to me doing everything.

I bloody wish his hobby was cycling. He doesn't leave the house! Ever!

SaveKevin, that sounds so incredibly difficult- I'm so sorry!

OP posts:
MadameDD · 24/04/2019 11:01

LTB.

Mentally ill can be for a lot of reasons - brought on by recreational drug taking etc. They can also be a bit 'wild' eg reckless when it comes to spending.

So he did have a job etc? and does have one now?

Even if he does cancel the order I think you need a chat re joint savings etc going forward.

QueenBeex · 24/04/2019 11:02

use the £2k as a deposit for him to go and live somewhere else

^^^^^^

Crunchymum · 24/04/2019 11:05

Does he pull his weight around the house? Or is that all left for you?

Again, what does he do to treat / help with his depression? Is he medicated? Does he have therapy?