What would you do? CF boyfriend?

[owlettafeather]

For a couple of (complicated and outing) reasons, my cohabiting boyfriend has not paid anything towards our joint outgoings for about a year and a half.

Yesterday, at my bedtime, he realised he'd got a PPI payout of nearly £2k straight to his bank account. He'd applied and had been waiting for it, but it was much more than expected.

I was pleased and thought it would take some of the pressure off me having to pay for everything all the time. I'm on my break at work and have just read a text from him, saying he's bought a new QLED tv with the money.

My first reaction is anger. I feel like telling him to cancel the order and put the money in the joint account, so he can actually contribute usefully. Am I being too harsh? I know it's technically his money to use as he wishes, but it just seems so... selfish. What would you do?

I'm worried about my own mental health

And you have cause to be worried.

He's undermining your self-esteem with every selfish action, and you are becoming more and more used to this sort of life as the norm with every day that passes. You will also become more resentful and less able to pull yourself free of him.

Stop it now! You really need to take hold of your own future again and stop him dictating it.

See a solicitor if necessary to find out where you stand regarding not paying for his share of the mortgage/ outgoings etc, because these could affect your credit rating. I know nothing about these things, but perhaps there is a way of ensuring that you aren't dragged down financially by him, or of claiming a larger proportion of the equity in your joint property , or ensuring that if at some future date he shifts his lazy arse and gets a job, you can claim money back from him?

I think most of us would have done exactly the same as you with a partner who had MH problems - been sympathetic and supportive - but as time goes on, and it is obvious that the person not only isn't trying to help themselves, but is effectively being a parasite and pulling you down with them, then you need to make the split.

You will probably lose out financially, but you really need to cut your losses. It is your own mental, emotional and physical health you have to consider now. It must be so heartbreaking and demoralising to realise what a waste of space he is, but at least you have learned it while you are able to do something about it.

You are angry now - and that's good. Anger gets things done; don't let this progress, otherwise your anger will turn to despair and depression, and you will be in a dreadful state because you won't be able to summon the energy to do anything about your situation.

What would you do?

Kick his arse out.

He sees you as someone just there to facilitate a nice life for him. Don't go on with this now you've realised that. Can you put the house up for sale and get something smaller for yourself?

So he pays for his hobby before paying his share in the house.

He's using you as a mug.

@owlettafeather
It is difficult, its gone on to shape my entire future and my childrens - who have never met him / known him, its robbed them of a secure future and any potential inheritance.

You've read my message and probably thought "gosh thats awful, but we are different, he will get better and it will be ok, either we move on or separate and it will be ok".
But the gentle slow drip drip drip and it could be you and your future, if you don't take action.

Being with my ex was exhausting, before i finished it i told him i wanted a break i took myself off for a week, and i just slept and slept and slept. The egg shells to protect their health, impacts hugely on your own health. The weight of the house and the bills and the pressure of everything. Depression is a bastard, but it won't fix itself, he needs to fix it, you cannot do it for him. Is he taking steps to fix it? Is he taking steps to help himself? If he's not then he really is using "depression" as an excuse to control you (you won't bring things up as he gets annoyed), he's using his "depression" as an excuse to not do things, and he's using "depression" to financially use you.

A friend did this to me. Owed me £4k. Won some money. Went on a flash holiday instead.

Ditch this dickhead. He is not a keeper.

Your post suggests that at the slightest challenge to him he gets emotional, you feel massively guilty and back down rapidly.

I wonder when was the last time you got angry with him, told him so, demanded a change and didn't back down.

I fear the normal reaction feels so alien to you that you are currently tying yourself up in knots imagining how you could phrase the conversation about this. Feel trapped and a bit sick perhaps?

You need a proper discussion about finances. Who has paid what into the house? How much is his share and how was the home ownership set up?

You can't just kick him out if he owns half the home. So you could end up in a situation where you're officially separate, but he is still living in the same house. If he can't/won't discuss money with you and a fair split of money and chores, then you need to rethink the situation. If you really love each other and want to stay together, you could live in separate homes and go back to dating, until he's able to be more present in the relationship.

You need to get rid of him. Depression is not a carte blanche to be a manipulative sponger. Lots of heroic people live with the nightmare of depression and still do the best they can every day to provide for their family. He isn't trying. It is an insult to everyone in the world with mental health issues to imply this man child needs a free pass.

Completely agree with Armadillostoes He is making a mockery of what depression truly is - if he was really depressed he would not feel excited about getting a new expensive TV for a start.

I feel for you. You've every right to feel pissed off, I would. But it's not black and white. My friend is in a similar situation. Her partner is bi polar and you could be writing about him. She did come very close to ending it this year (moved out for a few months), but went back. The trouble is, it is an illness, and he may well have ended up on the street if thrown out. I think you have to absolutely insist he gets more help with his mental health and, even though he moans, make him do more around the house. He really needs to know his lifestyle is on the line if he doesn't. My sympathy to you, it's really hard.💐

OMG you are my ex husbands new girlfriend!! He left his job (I originally thought he was made redundant) to start his own business 9 years ago. The business never materialised and he never went back to work - depression / anxiety and me enabling. He did less and less at home and became more and more "unwell". Finally after spending ALL of our money and my ending up doing every single jot of work in and out of the home (except school runs) I snapped and asked him to leave. 6 months later we are divorced and he has a job, a flat and is more than capable of doing his own laundry and making his own food. I now realise quite how much of a mug I have been. I provided for him to be able to sit back and do nothing. Doing nothing actually made his mental health worse.

LTB

You're all making so much sense and I know, reading from the outside, I must seem like such a fool.

Someone said earlier about me being calm, and SaveKevin just talked about me thinking we're different. I don't think we are different... I think it's just luck of the draw that I have enough money coming in to stay afloat, and my calmness is really just being numb, like a bystander in my own life. No-one really knows how bad things are and I feel like I'm cracking up.

why women stay with losers like this i do not know

Have you told him that you expect the TV order to be cancelled and the money put towards his debts?

Ask him if the TV's small enough to pack into the boot of his car with his bags. He has to go. Unless you can tell us that he's been seriously ill or something he's taking massive liberties.

Get him to cancel the order ASAP as he will need the money as a deposit when he moves out. Don't wait until the TV arrives to sort this out.

OP it's not luck, he's squandered it before and he'll do it again.

2k - yay - I can pay off some of my debts v 2k yay I'll buy a great big TV I dont need.

Get rid of him. Pronto.

Depression isn't an excuse, neither is bipolar but the excessive spending may indicate it.

Did he spend all the £2k on the telly? That is a crazy sum by anyone's standards to blow on consumer electronics which frankly depreciate instantly. My telly cost £200. Well clearly his plans for the near future involve sitting on his arse watching it, rather than getting off his arse, getting a job and paying you back!

It can be a cold wake up call when the real truth dawns and it often feels safer to burrow back into the status quo.

There isn't any need to anything right now OP other than just keep observing what is actually happening.

Is he a man who uses the depression label as a tool in his abuse or is he depressed but wants to get to a place where he can manage it and become an equal partner in your relationship or is he just taking you for a ride.

Whichever it is - you have time to work it out and then decide what you wish to do.

Please check out abusive behaviour via the womens aid website and the freedom programme. Today could be the first day of regaining your freedom and love.

We've been together for a very long time- over a decade. He had a mortgage and was self-sufficient. We bought a house together 4 years ago, and then the depression hit about two years after.

Well that's very convenient for him, isn't it? Loses the ability to be self sufficient just as he finds someone who will take it all on for him. And I know that sounds dreadful and very cynical. However, I have depression myself but I don't have the luxury of living off a partner and buying large TVs. I have to get on with my life, because no-one is going to do things for me.

My dad also has depression and my mum supports him. He saps the life blood out of her. Do not go there. Depression is an utter bastard it's true. But you can be a lazy fucker and have depression, or a fighter and have depression. I'd help one of the fighters, always and ever. But the lazy fuckers? No.

Sorry OP. I realise he is ill but sometimes you have to save yourself. He needs shaking out of this but with you to catch him every time, I doubt he'll bother to do it.

text him.
Tell him ot return the TV and get a refund.
Then tell him he will need to money to fund himself as you expect him to move out by the end of the week.

If he wants to know why, simple, he thought a TV was more important than you, and if he can't see that, then it is confirmation that he is an idiot.

Be clear - I am not paying the rent so you can have a huge TV.

enough.

and in this case being ill is not an excuse for being not a nice person

I'm guessing his hobby is gaming, and the new TV is essentially all for his benefit...?

If that is the case, then spending his summer indoors playing in a pretend world will only deteriorate his mental health further.

It does sound like he's come to take your support for granted, and would probably benefit from having a pretty harsh reality check...

The little he does earn goes on his phone bill and hobby.

People who can't afford it shouldn't have hobbies.

You're actually paying for his hobby and his phone. Unless either are key to his mental health, he should be paying for his food and house bills first.