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Original poster

What would you do? CF boyfriend?

156 replies

owlettafeather · 24/04/2019 10:17

For a couple of (complicated and outing) reasons, my cohabiting boyfriend has not paid anything towards our joint outgoings for about a year and a half.

Yesterday, at my bedtime, he realised he'd got a PPI payout of nearly £2k straight to his bank account. He'd applied and had been waiting for it, but it was much more than expected.

I was pleased and thought it would take some of the pressure off me having to pay for everything all the time. I'm on my break at work and have just read a text from him, saying he's bought a new QLED tv with the money.

My first reaction is anger. I feel like telling him to cancel the order and put the money in the joint account, so he can actually contribute usefully. Am I being too harsh? I know it's technically his money to use as he wishes, but it just seems so... selfish. What would you do?

OP posts:
Hearhere · 24/04/2019 11:06

Tell him to get to fuck he's taking the piss

EleanorLavish · 24/04/2019 11:06

owl maybe breaking things off will spur him on to change?
It certainly isn't going to change with the current set up.
Would you feel relief if it was over?

Drum2018 · 24/04/2019 11:09

Call him straight away and tell him that he either cancels the order and puts the money into your account to cover his lack of financial input for the past 18 months, or he packs his stuff and leaves. Are you really willing to put up with him for the rest of your days? What a selfish twat.

Springwalk · 24/04/2019 11:10

Get rid. Thousands of people cope with MH and do so without sponging from other people. You will be saddled with this CL for ever more.

Run for the hills pref with the TV as back payment.

Original poster
owlettafeather · 24/04/2019 11:15

He's on medication, crunchymum, but he doesn't do very much around the house. He does the bins, and will load the dishwasher a few times a week. He gets narky if I ask him to do more.

Eleanor, you're making so much sense. Yes, I think I would feel relieved.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 24/04/2019 11:16

Bin him, what a CF cocklodger!

Innernutshell · 24/04/2019 11:20

he's struggling and hurting

but so are you OP.

Perhaps its time to put yourself first.

You weren't born to save anyone else. Just yourself. Flowers

Fiveredbricks · 24/04/2019 11:20

Omg OP. Bin him off. Now. Why is this even a post 😳 Tell him to cancel the order, give you the TV money and to fuck right off.

jacks11 · 24/04/2019 11:23

Agree with others that it’s not on and you’re right to be angry with him. However legitimate his reasons for not working, his behaviour over this is unacceptable. His first thought should have been to put that money into the household pot or paying off a chunk of his debts and not frittered away on unnecessary fripperies.

As an aside, you say he contributes to none of the mutual costs? Does this mean you pay all rent/mortgage, utility bills, food costs etc and he contributes nothing financially to the household? That doesn’t make sense- surely he must have some income, even if only from benefits? So he should be contributing something, even a token amount. I think he is taking the Micky if he isn’t contributing to anything. Spending this money is just the icing on the cake, so to speak. I think you need to have it out with him and make some changes- he needs to contribute. I’d also ask him to cancel the order for the tv and put the money to mutual expenses. Or towards paying off his debts, at the very least.

What is he doing to aid his recovery? Is he getting help from GP/ mental health team, given the duration of his illness? If not, why not?

TBH I’m not sure I could see beyond this level of selfishness that he has displayed- spending a windfall on a tv whilst having debts and expecting me to pay for everything for 18 months. I think he is taking advantage and would be stopping that gravy train.

Omzlas · 24/04/2019 11:23

What a prick. Sounds to me like he's using his MH as an excuse to do fuck All and have you paying for everything and doing the lion's share of the housework (sounds like my ex actually!)

He's a cocklodger and you'd probably be better off without

Bookworm4 · 24/04/2019 11:24

He's depressed but manages work and a hobby but can't pay his way? That's a strange take on depression. If you're in debt you don't spend £2000 on a 📺

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 24/04/2019 11:26

I think you are enabling his depression. What's his motivation to get better?

And yes, the money is utterly selfish.

jacks11 · 24/04/2019 11:30

I have just seen your update OP.

So, not only is he not working and expecting you to pick up the tab for his living expenses he is also expecting you to do the lions-share of the household chores. AND gets narky when asked to do more of the chores. I am not sure how I’ll he really is, but regardless where is the incentive to get better? I do wonder if he just feels he has a cushy number with you providing financially and doing all the housework whilst he does whatever he wants all day, every day.

You aren’t a partnership. You’re acting like a parent. I think it’s fine to end this relationship- or dena d serious changes if you love him to want to work at it.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 24/04/2019 11:30

Oh, please! If he's too ill to work he should claim PIP and ESA to pay his share. Get shot of him. Do not fall for fallacy of sunken costs. STOP funding this layabout twat.

DPotter · 24/04/2019 11:32

Oh my love he has you soo well trained. Get's narked if you ask anything of him, playing the 'I'm depressed so can't help around the house, let alone get a job' card. Two years on medication and nothing improving - then he needs to be back at the GPs asking for a review of his condition. If he doesn't have paid employment he should be working at getting better - daily exercise, a daily/weekly routine.
He needs a bit of a shake up and this is just the opportunity - he shapes up or ships out. My DP was depressed and refused to seek treatment for years. Was a supportive as anyone would be but eventually I'd had enough and we had the shape up or ship conversation.
Sit him down and ask him what he plan is about getting better, is he aware how much he owes you and what are his plans to repay you. He'll get all defensive and try to snare you in (The TV is for you as well ...). If you're willing to invest in him - he needs to work at it. If not he is not the investment worth making and he needs to go BEFORE your savings are gone.

Use this as a wake up call for him and, maybe more importantly, for you.

KC225 · 24/04/2019 11:34

So he puts the bins outs, loads he dishwasher about three times a week and gets narky when you mention doing anything else. Buying a huge new telly does not suggest he is planning do more around the house.

Chamomileteaplease · 24/04/2019 11:35

Tell him right now to cancel the order. Explain to the man that he has bills to pay.

Then have a very big think about whether you want this relationship to continue. It sounds hell.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 24/04/2019 11:39

I would definitely tell him to cancel the order and give the money towards rent and bills. I would then probably dump him - but after I got the money off him!

Lovemusic33 · 24/04/2019 11:39

You have a joint account with this person?

He’s not paid a penny for over a year and your still allowing him to live with you?

Kick him out.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 24/04/2019 11:40

Seems to me you've adopted a teenager!

You are enabling him.

He needs to start pulling his weight around the house and stop being so bloody selfish.

I would ask him to leave.

fruitbrewhaha · 24/04/2019 11:42

This would be the last straw for me.

Depression is awful, but he needs to be doing something to help himself. Loafing around the house and sponging off you is about the worst thing he could do. He needs, along with medical help, to be out getting excercise, finding purpose to his day.

It's very easy for us all to say LTB. But you really need to take a step back and work out what you want, which is presumably for him to get better, so you can revert to a more normal way of life, and so all your savings arent eroded. He needs to do something to work towards that. Blowing £2k on a tv so he can loaf around even more is not on.

If he could find something to get him out the house which could earn some money, even better. Dog walking? lawn mowing?

PompeyBez · 24/04/2019 11:42

Are you happy in this relationship OP? Is he actively seeking treatment? It doesn't sound like your getting very much at all out of this relationship. Even if you were both working I would consider a large purchase like that to be a joint decision. He is happily allowing you to pay his way, seeing your hard earned cash as his own, but clearly doesn't see his pay out in the same way. I see you've been together for a very long time, but that's all the more reason to assess things and really think about what you want your future to look like.

GabsAlot · 24/04/2019 11:43

not that he isnt a cocklodger but it isnt as easy to claim pip as just applying many people with serious dibilating conditions have been turned down

however any money gets should have immiedately put twowards the household

outpinked · 24/04/2019 11:43

He’s a lazy fucker and a user using his MH as an excuse. I have had MH problems myself, it can be suffocating and debilitating but most people with MH problems still have to get out of bed to get shit done. He barely helps around the house, doesn’t work and the little money he gets (from benefits?) he spends on himself! He then gets a 2k payout he could’ve used to pay off a chunk of his debt or to give you towards your outgoings but nope, he buys a pointless TV. I’d be absolutely fuming and he would be out with little hesitation.

I appreciate it’s hard walking away from a very long term relationship but you have no real financial ties to him and you’re coping without his input anyway. Just get rid of the leech.

fruitbrewhaha · 24/04/2019 11:43

Could you buy him out of his share of the house?