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Original poster

What would you do? CF boyfriend?

156 replies

owlettafeather · 24/04/2019 10:17

For a couple of (complicated and outing) reasons, my cohabiting boyfriend has not paid anything towards our joint outgoings for about a year and a half.

Yesterday, at my bedtime, he realised he'd got a PPI payout of nearly £2k straight to his bank account. He'd applied and had been waiting for it, but it was much more than expected.

I was pleased and thought it would take some of the pressure off me having to pay for everything all the time. I'm on my break at work and have just read a text from him, saying he's bought a new QLED tv with the money.

My first reaction is anger. I feel like telling him to cancel the order and put the money in the joint account, so he can actually contribute usefully. Am I being too harsh? I know it's technically his money to use as he wishes, but it just seems so... selfish. What would you do?

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 24/04/2019 11:43

I've had a few friends with partners like this, and I would not put up with it myself.
All of them have separated, and the selfish, useless, non-contributing partner has gone on to find another enabler in every case!
But, the other common theme is the person who has ditched them has felt free, and gone on to be much happier.

BallsOfFluff · 24/04/2019 11:46

Tell him he either cancels the order and contributes the money usefully or he leaves the home immediately.

Actually, just tell him to go. CF.

MummyofTw0 · 24/04/2019 11:47

What are you even getting out of this relationship?

Time to wake up and move on

thelastgoldeneagle · 24/04/2019 11:51

Sounds like he's using his MH issues to excuse his behaviour. Google the sunken costs fallacy.

I'd ask him to leave, op, or this will be your life for ever. He can return the TV and use the cash as a depot for his own place.

Cock-lodger.

Pk37 · 24/04/2019 11:55

Is his hobby ‘gaming’ by any chance ?
Sorry op but I agree with the others .
He’s a user and it’s time to get rid of he won’t make changes and contribute

Pk37 · 24/04/2019 11:56

*if he

FifisLovelyApron · 24/04/2019 11:56

Tell him to return the TV.

mummmy2017 · 24/04/2019 11:57

Get him to put in writing that he has not paid mortgage for 18 months, then use that to claim more of the profits from the house...
Because I would move, then not let him more be in.

MIA12 · 24/04/2019 12:00

He will continue to suck you dry, do you really want him dragging you down for the rest of your life?

He’s a selfish cocklodger.

Jux · 24/04/2019 12:01

You need to let him go, owl. He doesn't make an effort because he doesn't need to, and so he continues to leech off you whle your savings dwindle to nothing and your own MH is at risk.

You are not helping him help himself. Until he has to, nothing will change.

Be gentle with him if you like, or be brutal, but be inexorable.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/04/2019 12:02

Please don't fall in to the trap of "we have been together so long, it would be a shame to waste all those years".

These are wise words of Eleanor's

You have sunk so much into this relationship that it seems like a waste of your life to walk away from it - however, it would be an even greater waste to sink even more of your money (and even more importantly) emotions, health and good years into it!

I suppose that if he's a co-owner of the property you can't throw him out - but you could stop co-habiting with him (move into a different bedroom, don't cook, wash or clean for him - because I'll bet you are, aren't you), refuse to pay his share and force a sale so that YOU could start again.

Don't let any more of your wages/ savings go into his pocket. Had he offered you the PPI money to offset his freeloading arse, I would think "Oh well - he's doing his best etc", but he hasn't. He's spent it on a piece of technocrap for himself without a second thought.

He'll try to talk you round, threaten, plead, emotionally blackmail you - stand firm and get out while you are still young, healthy and debt-free.

Depression is bloody awful. I suffered it myself for many years - but I didn't take financial advantage of people that I loved.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/04/2019 12:03

He should have offered you the entire amount.

Get rid of the CF

Original poster
owlettafeather · 24/04/2019 12:08

Thank you for being so supportive, everyone. No, I couldn't just kick him out, but I could stop doing everything for him. I barely see him when I'm working anyway, as he keeps odd hours.

I'm worried about my own mental health, for accepting this life for so long, for being afraid to rock the boat, for not knowing how to move forwards.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 24/04/2019 12:09

Thing is op, he has it good with you and he knows it. You dearn't challenge him as he gets moody, he has it made and you are allowing this. He is displaying very unattractive traits in a partner, that would be so off putting, he is not an equal partner. You are enabling his behaviour

It is very telling that he has got all that PPI (not PIP) money, and hasen't offered you a penny, and thought about himself first. Tells you all you need to know about the type of man he is! Do yourself a favour, and bin him, you will be much richer in the pocket and 12 stone lighter. Don't have kids with him, you will do the lot (looking after them, paying for childcare, working to pay for the house and bills) whilst he sits on his arse. I cannot see him becoming a stay at home dad, if he does nothing.

What does he do for you op? How does he make you feel special, or treat you?

Aeroflotgirl · 24/04/2019 12:11

Give him notice Oweltte or just tell him it is over. Even if you stop doing everything for him, you are still paying for a roof over his head and food in his belly.

MatildaTheCat · 24/04/2019 12:15

I would have a difficult conversation tonight and tell him he should cancel the order as you have decided that this relationship isn’t working for you and he needs to find somewhere else to live. Give him a month to find somewhere.

I’m afraid I agree that you have unwittingly enabled him to become a complete parasite on your happiness and finances. Now he has the means to make a change, if he keeps the tv that’s his choice but will make his life more difficult so he needs to take this opportunity to take a look at his behaviour and taking back some responsibility for himself.

Good luck.

Sweetpea55 · 24/04/2019 12:15

What's wrong with you woman.. Why are you putting up with this cocking parasite.. It's bye bye time..

Ceebs85 · 24/04/2019 12:19

You are enabling this, unwittingly whilst truing to be a nice caring person and he's taking the mick now. If he cared about you, or appreciated anything you've done for him it wouldn't cross his mind to spend the money on himself.

The TV is a joke, and the depression is a convenient excuse now. You are not stuck, you don't owe him any more! Leave, and be happy. He'll drag you down x

rachelfrost · 24/04/2019 12:20

Have you spoken about it? What he is saying by buying that TV is ‘what’s yours is mine and what’s mine’s my own’.

It sounds like your both very unhappy together, even if you have had better times in the past.

ScatteredMama82 · 24/04/2019 12:21

@owlettafeather you shouldn't be using your savings to support him! Please look after your own money and don't get yourself in financial difficulty. It's his debt, he needs to address it.

StealthPolarBear · 24/04/2019 12:21

Guessing he's an online gamer?
Get the money from him and then dump him. You'd be doing him a favour as wl, he needs to learn to be independent

StealthPolarBear · 24/04/2019 12:22

Agree with a pp that DH and I wouldn't dream of spending this sort of cash without checking it with the other. You're not a partnership.

wibbleee · 24/04/2019 12:22

dump him with his telly.

Happynow001 · 24/04/2019 12:24

Am I being too harsh? I know it's technically his money to use as he wishes, but it just seems so... selfish. What would you do?
Your first thought was to doubt yourself. His was total selfishness and self-gratification. What does that tell you about a further future with him?

He's in debt because he couldn't keep up with his 'share' of our expenses, so he asked if I could cover it

Part of the problem is that I technically have the funds in my savings and from my wages to cover it, so I guess there's no urgency.
Key words here are: "debt" (HIS) plus "savings" and "wages". (YOURS)

How long will your savings last if you are continually enabling him to behave the way he has for so long?

Sorry owlettafeather but he's become used to the fact you are effectively bankrolling him and he just has to put the bin out occasionally or empty the dishwasher- and that under protest.

I agree with the long list of PPs before me - tell him to cancel the order because he'll need it for a deposit on his new home. Don't give him too long a deadline to move out.

You've been covering all the expenses for 18m or so - could you buy him out? Don't forget to change the locks as soon as feasible.

You are worth much more than him.

prawnsword · 24/04/2019 12:27

Thank you, next! Mental health is no excuse. I have mental health issues (bipolar type 2) and understand depression. It doesn’t make you magically forget your debts. If anything, the weight of that should be on his mind & paying you back should have felt like a relief.

Spending it all on extravagent items which will depreciate in value is so utterly selfish. It shows his true character & I hope is the sign you need to kick this loser to the curb.

You sound like a lovey person & have supported him for long enough. Cut him loose & you won’t regret it. He isn’t the partner you thought he was, or deserve long term.

Do not let him use his depression as an excuse for not contributing to the house in a meaningful way.