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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP sending underwear photo of me to another woman

195 replies

Namechangeforthis2019 · 24/04/2019 08:21

There's a lot of context to this story, so please stick with me Blush
DP and I met just Christmas 2017, we didn't become official until may 2018 as I wanted to be extra sure of it for DS sake. Just after we made it official, we spent 3 weeks apart - I took DS on a big family holiday and the day before we got back he went on holiday with his friend. All good, we both got home and carried on. Since then things have been great, until...

A few weeks ago when I recieved a Facebook message from a random girl of about 18 years old, 10 years younger than DP, (this is why I fucking hate social media) saying my DP had gone off with her older sister whilst they were on holiday last year. I was pretty skeptical as he'd always been so amazing, kind and lovely and just no suspicions at all that he'd been cheating. Plus, DP is not on Facebook so no clue how she found me. I did a bit of research before confronting him, found out that DP has a "secret?" Snapchat account that I didn't know about, which he was apparently constantly messaging other girls on when they were on holiday, so this girl told me. Why a guy who's nearly 30 would want to be on Snapchat I have no clue Confused. Confronted him and he admitted he kissed a woman on holiday but it was for a few seconds on a night out and nothing else happened.

So then that brings us to now... I actually saw a Snapchat logo notification flash up on his phone the other night from a woman's name. At this point I'm feeling really paranoid/worried that something has gone on, so I waited til he fell asleep and went through his phone (I know, I know). I'd never ever do that if I didn't have some sort of serious suspicion.

So here we get to the actual point of the story!! At last. I go into the Snapchat account and look at the chat list. All girls. Screeds and screeds of girls names. I only had to look at a few to see that they were all from the week he was on holiday last summer. Really dirty messages, he was basically sexting other women the whole time, none older than 20. Bad enough, right? Then I look at one girl... Actually feel sick typing it, in a dirty conversation he asked her if she was "into girls" she said yes, he sent her a picture of me in my underwear - no bra, just pants. No face in the picture, he'd cropped that out. He said "that's my girlfriend", he knew what he was doing.

Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that. He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship, to which I said but we were serious enough from about March but we waited for DS sake. He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit. To be fair, since new year we've become a lot more serious, been getting along so so well and things had been amazing.

So as to not dripfeed, his family worry that I'm controlling as he stayed with me for 2 weeks when I had fainting episodes a few months ago (absolutely his decision to do so, I did initially say I'd go home to my parent's). They also are concerned about the fact I have DS and on my own, worry that I only want dp as a replacement dad - not the case at all as his dad is very much involved in his life.

I'm just so so hurt over all of this, I've always thought his family and I got along too, I bought all his siblings Xmas gifts, baked his mum cakes, I feel like a bit of a fool.

Anyway, sorry for the ramblings, thank you if you made it this far. Don't even know why I posted really, just don't know what to do about DP, needed to just get it off my chest to people I didn't know.

OP posts:
QueenBeex · 24/04/2019 10:47

They're grey, which means he saved each msg individually.
Btw that doesn't mean there aren't other msgs, it just means he hasnt saved other recent msgs so they will automatically delete after reading them.
Honestly leave him now, you don't want to risk your child growing up thinking this kind of behaviour from someone he'll view as a male influence in his life is acceptable.. delete any pictures he has of you straight away.

BaronessBomburst · 24/04/2019 10:49

Dump him.
He's horrid.

AvengersAssemble · 24/04/2019 10:50

He staid with you for 2 weeks because you fainted?? Really?? No no no, what rubbish. He clearly needed to avoid someone so used you as the excuse, and why let him take photos of you in just your pants so early on in the relationship?

Just get rid of him.

ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 24/04/2019 10:51

He's a creep love.

You know what to do.

QueenBeex · 24/04/2019 10:53

I forgot to mention the fact the picture of you is also saved in chat means the girl he sent it to can view it as and when she wants, so she could have potentially shown that image of you to her friends, as many times as she wishes. When you next go on his Snapchat make sure you delete it from the chat so she cannot still view the image. As of recently you can now delete msgs / pictures you once saved from your and the other persons chat. I believe you hold down on the msg and click delete for me and X or something similar. I'm sure someone else on the thread will tell you how to do this

CoffeeDeprivation · 24/04/2019 10:57

Leave him, he's lying and will continue to do so.

  • He still has an active Snapchat after a year. That's a year of pings and messages of notifications that, according to him, he doesn't look at? Or are group messages? I'd pretty annoyed and bored of the app if all these messages were going off and I had no interest in them.... He's still using the app. He has chosen Snapchat because it deletes tracks. He has kept those other messages because probably at the time he didn't know how to use it and wanted to re-read. He might be potentially using them to w**k off...
  • He's contacting very young girls. Snapchat is full of teenagers. This is worrying, to be honest. He's not just chatted up a random on a bar during a holiday. He's kept this app because it's his secret door to young girls.
  • One of these girls' sister found you. To me, that says that he has had a lot of conversations with these girls where personal details were eventually shared and she has been able to find you through that. He probably also shared pics where your face was visible. Either that or full name. How on earth could anyone find you in Facebook otherwise? He hasn't got an account, so they could not have found you through his profile... This, I would worry about.
  • Do you want him as role model for your DS? Do you think he's going to stick around, really? Would you be worried that he might leave for a younger girl as time passes? I think the sooner you leave, the sooner you can find someone that really appreciates you and your son.
  • I think that you have probably acted with caution around his family, once he said. So they probably also feel you are acting weird. He might have also said stuff to his family about you (I bet on this) and they probably are also acting weird because of that. This plays well for him, as you are both "on his side" and wanting to protect him and feeling he's a victim in Thai relationship (I bet he was the one saying to then he could not leave you on your own or something). I would not trust this. By saying they think you are controlling, he is making you "prove that you are not", which means you will be more lenient and understanding to any odd behaviour.
  • Trust has been chipped and he really didn't have a good excuse. "Because I was so in love with you, I was scared" is just BS. At the start of a (serious, committed) relationship everything is exciting and you want to spend time with each other. You would definitely not send naked pics of the other person to a random teenager. A drunken night out, I'd be more inclined to forgive at the start, but this is an open channel of communication that has been ongoing for a year... If he had any regrets, he would have immediately uninstalled the app the next day and avoid any further contact or availability. He's not committed. People who are committed are not scared to be committed. People who weren't committed but then changed, would definitely eliminate all the stuff from this other period because he/she would not be interested in that stuff anymore or would not want to give the impression that he was available to all these girls that can message him. Most normal people of his age not wanting to use "secret channels" use WhatsApp for communicating. Snapchat is a very odd choice for regular communication between adults, because everything deletes so you cannot really have normal conversations to make arrangements for anything or to share (non-naked, standard) family and holiday pics.

You know it at your heart. You are scared to change things and probably upset that you took the precaution to wait until making him official but he's betrayed you anyway. But better now than later, when your son has developed a stronger bond or you are living together. It's much easier to leave now than then. Flowers

MargoLovebutter · 24/04/2019 11:12

What a horrible man. Do not stay with him.

He betrayed your trust, he lied to you, he distributed images of you naked to strangers on the internet and he's only sorry now because he got caught out. Not to mention the whole other hornets nest of how he has allowed his family to buy into the fact that you are "controlling", which is a massive red flag all of its own.

You should be grateful for social media, otherwise you wouldn't have found out what a disrespectful shit this man was for years probably.

Darkstar4855 · 24/04/2019 11:12

By saying they think you are controlling, he is making you "prove that you are not", which means you will be more lenient and understanding to any odd behaviour.

Absolutely this. It’s quite possible his family never said anything of the sort and he is simply trying to manipulate you. I would also be wondering whether he has told lies to his family about you in order to make them think less of you.

Please get rid. Have my first LTB.

EstherLittle · 24/04/2019 11:20

I couldn't have someone like that anywhere near my children.

It's a LTB situation OP.

I have an old work colleague whose husband was caught sexting a young teenager. She forgave him and took him back. He went on to other offences against children which he was jailed for. She's now kicked him out but the upshot is that she and her DD have had to move to another city and none of their old friends will have anything to do with either of them.

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2019 11:21

Jesus Christ and that's not the worst messages?

Why haven't you binned this sack of shit yet? Seriously get that sleazeball as far away from you and your kid as possible.

Incywincybitofa · 24/04/2019 11:22

He shared a photo of you in your pants without your consent, to a girl who said she liked girls.
He has used you to entice the sexual gratification of himself and another.
He did not think you were serious because what is serious, you were the girl he was seeing, and if he had any respect for you let alone visions of a future together he would not have converted his picture of you into porn for the Snapchat viewing pleasure of others

His family think you are controlling- because of what he has told them not because of what you have or haven't done. He is alienating you from his family, probably so you don't hear too much about him

But I mean this kindly, you are an ostrich, and you have a very young approach to this relationship. You talk like a sixth former in a relationship, becoming official and getting serious, were they his code phrases for I will stop hunting around now, which he clearly didn't. And your feelings that this is serious when he has been messaging other girls are based on him misleading you.

It is these phrases that bother me, you gave a framework to your relationship you inserted expectations of behaviour, by using those terms and as soon as you did he broke them. Don't you see what is wrong with that.

You heard from someone concerned enough to write to you about his behaviour and you ignored it until you saw IG/SC flash up on his phone a while later-why would that girl contact you except to warn you or ask for help but you did nothing.

justjuggling · 24/04/2019 11:26

I don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him again, and that’s not a good way to live. X

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2019 11:31

The question op is not did he have sex with that girl. The question is how many women he had sex with on that holiday. Teenagers likely at that.

He clearly went there with the intention of getting laid. Where else does he go with that intention. I guarantee it's not a one off. Men like this don't change. Mills and boons ain't real.

I don't know how you can even look at him knowing what he really is now. And what he's done to you,

3luckystars · 24/04/2019 11:35

He is scum. Worse to come if you ignore your gut feeling here, telling you how wrong this is.

Kick the dust from you shoes and keep walking.

Damntheman · 24/04/2019 11:35

There's nothing wrong with a person in their 30s/40s/50s having Snapchat, I know many!

But OP what he's done is unforgiveable. Sending your photo is despicable! You have all my sympathy regardless of what you decide to do.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 24/04/2019 11:36

Do you understand how Snapchat works? You wouldn't be able to view any messages/images older than 24 HOURS. He's still lying to you

That isn't correct. Within the chat functionality on Snapchat you can choose to save individual messages. Every time you open chat those messages are pinned in the chat with a date stamp (coloured in grey like in the screenshot) for both/all users to see. Unsaved messages are the ones that auto-delete. I have messages from 2017 on mine.

That doesn't mean he isn't a lying piece of shit though. There is no way you should be in a relationship with someone with so little respect for you. Those messages are vile, I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

crispysausagerolls · 24/04/2019 11:37

The man has a fetish for cheating or being caught or something along those lines. He will not change. He will absolutely cheat on you again.

Elephantbiscuit · 24/04/2019 11:39

He is awful OP. With messages like that how can you ever trust him? Also who knows where your picture has ended up. Get an STI test asap and remember you'll need to get tested again 3 months after your last sexual contact with him.

How did this girl find you on facebook? Clearly he has been sharing a lot more about you then just that one photo. There are now people out there with your name and pictures. They could share that with anyone.

How old is your ds? Your creep of a partner will be a risk/ trying to message any female teenage friend your son gets when he is older.

Its hard to leave someone but you really have to get away from him OP. x

Cryalot2 · 24/04/2019 11:44

Poor you Flowers you have done nothing wrong. He has treated you appallingly .
Get out and may you meet someone who is worthy of you, because he clearly is not .

PlinkPlink · 24/04/2019 11:47

This is awful OP.

His excuse is shit and doesn't even make any sense.

He asks her very plainly "you dont mind that I want to fuck you behind my gfs back?"

He knew exactly what he was doing. If he felt guilty he would have deleted them. But he didnt... instead he saved them like some perverted wank material to revisit time and time again.

Disgusting.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 24/04/2019 11:49

Good grief. He pimped out your pictures for his own and other's sexual kicks. He persues teens. Get rid.

AlaskanOilBaron · 24/04/2019 11:50

I'm surprised you needed an AIBU to work this out, but show him the door. He is a filthy, incorrigible beast.

Good luck.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 11:53

Great post @CoffeeDeprivation. The controlling manipulation point especially is so spot on.

Op you don't want to get in deeper with a guy like this

Pk37 · 24/04/2019 12:10

This is so far over the line you can’t even see it .
This is beyond disgusting, I’d be so fucking raging that a photo of me was sent to someone I don’t even know and who knows that the photo isn’t even somewhere else now??
He needs to be kicked right out of your house and if his family bitch at you , tell them what he’s done

AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 12:15

Also, some one mentioned how the sister of a girl he was with a year ago was able to track you down through FB when he doesn't even use it. First of all, has this girl been obsessing about him for a full year or is it more likely he's been in contact with her for that year and has clearly not just shared your photo with her but with enough information that her and her sister would be able to track you down.