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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP sending underwear photo of me to another woman

195 replies

Namechangeforthis2019 · 24/04/2019 08:21

There's a lot of context to this story, so please stick with me Blush
DP and I met just Christmas 2017, we didn't become official until may 2018 as I wanted to be extra sure of it for DS sake. Just after we made it official, we spent 3 weeks apart - I took DS on a big family holiday and the day before we got back he went on holiday with his friend. All good, we both got home and carried on. Since then things have been great, until...

A few weeks ago when I recieved a Facebook message from a random girl of about 18 years old, 10 years younger than DP, (this is why I fucking hate social media) saying my DP had gone off with her older sister whilst they were on holiday last year. I was pretty skeptical as he'd always been so amazing, kind and lovely and just no suspicions at all that he'd been cheating. Plus, DP is not on Facebook so no clue how she found me. I did a bit of research before confronting him, found out that DP has a "secret?" Snapchat account that I didn't know about, which he was apparently constantly messaging other girls on when they were on holiday, so this girl told me. Why a guy who's nearly 30 would want to be on Snapchat I have no clue Confused. Confronted him and he admitted he kissed a woman on holiday but it was for a few seconds on a night out and nothing else happened.

So then that brings us to now... I actually saw a Snapchat logo notification flash up on his phone the other night from a woman's name. At this point I'm feeling really paranoid/worried that something has gone on, so I waited til he fell asleep and went through his phone (I know, I know). I'd never ever do that if I didn't have some sort of serious suspicion.

So here we get to the actual point of the story!! At last. I go into the Snapchat account and look at the chat list. All girls. Screeds and screeds of girls names. I only had to look at a few to see that they were all from the week he was on holiday last summer. Really dirty messages, he was basically sexting other women the whole time, none older than 20. Bad enough, right? Then I look at one girl... Actually feel sick typing it, in a dirty conversation he asked her if she was "into girls" she said yes, he sent her a picture of me in my underwear - no bra, just pants. No face in the picture, he'd cropped that out. He said "that's my girlfriend", he knew what he was doing.

Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that. He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship, to which I said but we were serious enough from about March but we waited for DS sake. He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit. To be fair, since new year we've become a lot more serious, been getting along so so well and things had been amazing.

So as to not dripfeed, his family worry that I'm controlling as he stayed with me for 2 weeks when I had fainting episodes a few months ago (absolutely his decision to do so, I did initially say I'd go home to my parent's). They also are concerned about the fact I have DS and on my own, worry that I only want dp as a replacement dad - not the case at all as his dad is very much involved in his life.

I'm just so so hurt over all of this, I've always thought his family and I got along too, I bought all his siblings Xmas gifts, baked his mum cakes, I feel like a bit of a fool.

Anyway, sorry for the ramblings, thank you if you made it this far. Don't even know why I posted really, just don't know what to do about DP, needed to just get it off my chest to people I didn't know.

OP posts:
SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 24/04/2019 08:56

Have u seen the pic of u he sent? Would u recognise if it was at beginning of your relationship? Not that it matters hes still a snake.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/04/2019 08:58

Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that. He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship, to which I said but we were serious enough from about March but we waited for DS sake. He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit

I’m not sure if sending the photo is worse or his manipulation or the fact he’s as thick as two planks...so many options 🤷🏻‍♀️

All of it is WTAF?!

He’s got front for sure. I’d be turning it around and kicking his arse out...unless that is, you actually WANT another 50+ years of this shit?

...as for what his family thinks, if that’s come from him, it’s bullshit. They probably think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. If it’s come from them it’s not too difficult to see where the ‘thick as two short planks* has come from.

Get rid.

cheeseandpineapple · 24/04/2019 08:59

How are you able to read the messages? I thought the point of snapchat is that the messages aren’t saved, they disappear within a few seconds. Unless you screenshot them. In which case what’s the point of him being on snapchat?

MerryMarigold · 24/04/2019 09:00

I often think it's not as clear cut as it seems from an OP, 2 sides to a story, but this is really obvious.

  1. He's been sexting teenagers
  2. He used your picture
  3. He's lied so I'm sure there are more
  4. He's trying to manipulate you by bringing up stuff about his family, make you feel insecure about yourself.

1 and 4 are actually horrific if you think about it, OP.

onanothertrain · 24/04/2019 09:00

I'm always a bit Hmm at the usual he's a prick / abusive/ LTB responses on here but fuck sake op you really need to ask??

TheMightyToosh · 24/04/2019 09:01

Even if you take away the photo thing, and even if his sexting and Snapchatting had, for example, happened before you even met him, the fact that he behaved like that at all would be enough for me to want to run a mile.

I could never entertain the idea of being with such a disgusting man child.

OldAndWornOut · 24/04/2019 09:01

Just coming back to express what a piece of shit I think this person is.
Total, total heap of steaming excrement!!!!

Dispicable behaviour.

I'll probably be thinking about this at work now; I would at least threaten going to the police, and I'd tell his family.

sparklytwinklyfairylights · 24/04/2019 09:01

I'm not part of the Mumsnet you yell LTB cause they're 2 mins late home but on this occasion I fully agree there is no way you should be with this man

TheABC · 24/04/2019 09:02

Dear Gods

This is outrageous. Please don't accept it. He broke your trust in an epic fashion. I appreciate it's going to hurt - you need to break up your family unit after telling DS and feel that loss of face in front of everyone else - but it's his fault and his problem. Don't hide it, excuse it or try to cover for him. 'I broke up with him because I found out he was sexting teenage girls". That's enough for anyone to understand.

Kick him out. No second chances. You will always be wondering if he will do it again.

Littlechocola · 24/04/2019 09:04

I would also be worrying about who else he sent it to.
Plus this girl has managed to find you despite him not being on Facebook. How did she find you?
Is there a chance that more pictures are being sent?

Get yourself and your son away from this ‘man’

Catchingbentcoppers · 24/04/2019 09:04

There are no '2 sides' to this one OP.

I'm really sorry, but if you forgive him for this now, he'll do it again and again and again. Because you let him. Get rid now.

Happyspud · 24/04/2019 09:05

How can you even consider staying with this man for a moment!!!

And people wonder years later why their lives are mediocre or miserable? It’s these choices that make all the difference.

kateandme · 24/04/2019 09:05

tbh at any point in a relationship talking this sleezy shit to girls would be it for me. the other stuff you mention no no no no out of here.
makes me feel gross for you and worried for your ds.
you both deserve way better.please dont live with this kind of man child gross head.

Ginger1982 · 24/04/2019 09:05

Bin him. He's probably still at it. Snapchat messages get deleted pretty instantly.

Gazelda · 24/04/2019 09:06

How is it relevant that it was at the beginning of the relationship?

If you'd found out on the day that he did it, surely it's still be unforgivable?

Just bin him OP. He's had more than a second chance, he's a creep and he's used your body in sext chat with others.

Game over.

LonelyTiredandLow · 24/04/2019 09:06

Yeah, if he wasn't still getting messages (and presumably sending them?) you could almost say it was in the past and you two are not in the same place. However that isn't the case and you are rightly worried.

I've had this happen before (he was still messaging his ex and saying he loved her) and I got rid. Tbh for a lot of men the grass is always going to be greener. They could be with Cleopatra and they'd never feel happy as soon as they had her. Could he be one of those? It's a hard call, but IME once the trust has gone you'll never feel the same. If you feel like you need to check his phone now, that won't really go away Sad.

JaneEyre07 · 24/04/2019 09:06

The fact that he's in a relationship but sexting young girls? Desperate. And honestly, sleazy.

Why on earth would you tolerate this?

You will never trust him. Ever. Life's too short and you deserve better.

Prequelle · 24/04/2019 09:06

Snapchat doesn't work like this though, unless he saved the messages from each and every convo he was having?

Honeybee85 · 24/04/2019 09:07

OP, not to worry you even more but does he have other intimate pictures of you?

My point is, he has proven that he can’t be trusted with those, watch out if he has more what could happen after you really kick him out of your life.

As said, not to make you upset, but just be on your guard since he has absolutely zero respect for your privacy and he is obviously a nasty person. Take care Flowers

Innernutshell · 24/04/2019 09:07

How do you know his family think you're controlling?
On his say so?
It's a classic way of ensuring you watch your step, and 'prove' you're not, by accepting bad behavior from him.

This. Flowers for you OP.

Keep your high self esteem and move on. Grieve for the mature person you thought he was. Give the lovely compassion he's expecting from you to yourself.

beanaseireann · 24/04/2019 09:08

As tashac89 says "....... phone in the blender....."
I bet it wasn't just a kiss either.

kateandme · 24/04/2019 09:09

is it even legal to share someone else picture?

MrBrown · 24/04/2019 09:09

Snapchat doesn't work like this though, unless he saved the messages from each and every convo he was having?

Yeah I thought snapchat automatically deleted the chats after so long unless you specifically save them.

Also what were the recent messages of?

I'd be dumping his ass anyway.

Prequelle · 24/04/2019 09:10

Messages delete instantly so I don't know how OP would know they were being sent from a year ago and that these women were from the holiday

To save a message you have to actual click on it and do it for every single message. if he was using Snapchat for cheating purposes doing this would defeat the whole point.

Unless he wanted you to find out...

AnyFucker · 24/04/2019 09:12

Get rid of this loser, for Christ's sake

You must be fucking desperate to consider staying with a bloke like this