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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP sending underwear photo of me to another woman

195 replies

Namechangeforthis2019 · 24/04/2019 08:21

There's a lot of context to this story, so please stick with me Blush
DP and I met just Christmas 2017, we didn't become official until may 2018 as I wanted to be extra sure of it for DS sake. Just after we made it official, we spent 3 weeks apart - I took DS on a big family holiday and the day before we got back he went on holiday with his friend. All good, we both got home and carried on. Since then things have been great, until...

A few weeks ago when I recieved a Facebook message from a random girl of about 18 years old, 10 years younger than DP, (this is why I fucking hate social media) saying my DP had gone off with her older sister whilst they were on holiday last year. I was pretty skeptical as he'd always been so amazing, kind and lovely and just no suspicions at all that he'd been cheating. Plus, DP is not on Facebook so no clue how she found me. I did a bit of research before confronting him, found out that DP has a "secret?" Snapchat account that I didn't know about, which he was apparently constantly messaging other girls on when they were on holiday, so this girl told me. Why a guy who's nearly 30 would want to be on Snapchat I have no clue Confused. Confronted him and he admitted he kissed a woman on holiday but it was for a few seconds on a night out and nothing else happened.

So then that brings us to now... I actually saw a Snapchat logo notification flash up on his phone the other night from a woman's name. At this point I'm feeling really paranoid/worried that something has gone on, so I waited til he fell asleep and went through his phone (I know, I know). I'd never ever do that if I didn't have some sort of serious suspicion.

So here we get to the actual point of the story!! At last. I go into the Snapchat account and look at the chat list. All girls. Screeds and screeds of girls names. I only had to look at a few to see that they were all from the week he was on holiday last summer. Really dirty messages, he was basically sexting other women the whole time, none older than 20. Bad enough, right? Then I look at one girl... Actually feel sick typing it, in a dirty conversation he asked her if she was "into girls" she said yes, he sent her a picture of me in my underwear - no bra, just pants. No face in the picture, he'd cropped that out. He said "that's my girlfriend", he knew what he was doing.

Confronted him immediately, told him it was absolutely unforgivable, I trusted him with pictures of myself, he's violated that. He begged and begged for forgiveness, told me it was at the very start of the relationship, to which I said but we were serious enough from about March but we waited for DS sake. He says he was scared that he knew we were going to be together for good, he knew we wouldn't break up and that scared him a bit. To be fair, since new year we've become a lot more serious, been getting along so so well and things had been amazing.

So as to not dripfeed, his family worry that I'm controlling as he stayed with me for 2 weeks when I had fainting episodes a few months ago (absolutely his decision to do so, I did initially say I'd go home to my parent's). They also are concerned about the fact I have DS and on my own, worry that I only want dp as a replacement dad - not the case at all as his dad is very much involved in his life.

I'm just so so hurt over all of this, I've always thought his family and I got along too, I bought all his siblings Xmas gifts, baked his mum cakes, I feel like a bit of a fool.

Anyway, sorry for the ramblings, thank you if you made it this far. Don't even know why I posted really, just don't know what to do about DP, needed to just get it off my chest to people I didn't know.

OP posts:
Prequelle · 24/04/2019 09:34

Yes mrsgranny but it really doesn't make sense that this man has physically clicked on every single message he has sent and received dating to a year back, for lots and lots of women. Because that's what he would have had to have done for OP to have read them otherwise each single message would have deleted each time he exited the app.

Surely that's counterproductive to using Snapchat for cheating purposes.

It doesn't make sense but then again some people are morons and don't make sense.

Fuck him off OP. Sneaky deceitful cheater who is also thick.

BaronessBomburst · 24/04/2019 09:35

I don't believe the quick kiss on holiday either.
Why would the sister contact you about a (drunken?) kiss almost a year ago? Confused

Prequelle · 24/04/2019 09:36

Also if you have proof he sent that picture to someone else, I would go to the police. Isn't it illegal to do that?

Bobcut · 24/04/2019 09:37

This is why he’s using snapchat instead of whatsapp for example because nothing ever gets saved automatically. He is a cheater and a liar. He would continue until you found out. Nothing justifies what he did. You are a mother, a woman and he sounds like a pathetic boy. Honestly I think on mums net a lot of people respond to these kinds of posts with leave him and sometimes it’s not that easy but in this case I have to say- leave him!!

RSAcre · 24/04/2019 09:39

He sounds charming, & his family think you are controlling because you fainted? Jeez. You are not onto a winner here.

I am sorry you are going through this. The disappointment & betrayal is awful. But you know he's not the man for you, or an influence you want around you child, don't you?

If he's this disrespectful now, imagine how cruel his cheating & lying is going to get. Leave now. You sound young, there is plenty of time to meet a better quality of man. In the meantime, be kind to yourself & thankful that you caught the slimeball out early on.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 24/04/2019 09:42

I know it doesn’t make sense but presumably he’s chatting to so many women he needed to refer to previous messages .... (found out the hard way)

Liverbird77 · 24/04/2019 09:42

The photo is unforgivable. I also think that the ages of the girls makes it worse.
I would be scared to move forward with anyone who could lie so smoothly.

coolestmum · 24/04/2019 09:42

I am so so sorry you are now going through this because of this piece of shit.
I know its easy to say when not in your situation, but the chats would def be a deal breaker for me, the picture is another level enitrely and has betrayed you on a whole other level. He'd be out of my life immediately. No matter how 'sorry' he was, I wouldn't get past that, ever.
My advice is to get rid asap for your sake and your ds sake. You do not need a cheating piece of crap like that in your life.
and everytime you feel weak and miss him/want him back, just remember what he did with your picture. You are stronger and better than him by a million percent.

Threefaries · 24/04/2019 09:45

He’s a prize knob for doing this.
You will never trust him.
LTB

Herland · 24/04/2019 09:45

Think of your son - is this the kind of male role model you want him growing up with? His attitude towards sex, respect and consent are deeply troubling.

Consider as well that many, many young teenagers use snapchat. My niece and her friends have been using it since they were about 11. One of her friends got into bother for sending pictures of herself in various states of undress - when she was 14. Your boyfriend could have sent a semi-naked picture of you to a child. The problem with snapchat/facebook/WhatsApp is that there is no way of knowing who you are really dealing with. The "girl" he sent the photo of you to could be a 50 year old hairy builder called Bob.

Beenherebefore · 24/04/2019 09:46

He's sexting women under the age of 20.
He sent naked photos of you to a young woman.
you have a son.
Is this who you really want in yours AND yours son's life.

I know Mumsnet generally love to roll out the "i'd leave him' line over the slightest thing sometimes, but seriously, it's not good. No matter how 'nice' he is being, how well you feel it's been going, ........ you know don't you, the danger signs are screaming at yu.

Good luck, you CAN do this.

Justgorgeous · 24/04/2019 09:46

He’s a complete slime ball. Yuk. Dump him. You deserve a million times better, as does your son. 🌸 x

S1naidSucks · 24/04/2019 09:47

BTW, OP, I know this wasn’t the point of your post, but never let anyone take a photo of you that you would be ashamed of, if it became public.

Celebelly · 24/04/2019 09:48

That's absolutely revolting. Get out now. The warning signs could not be any more clearer. This man does not respect you (or women generally it sounds like).

James321 · 24/04/2019 09:52

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Sarahlou63 · 24/04/2019 09:52

Really don't understand why you're even questioning whether you should continue this 'relationship'.

UCOforAC12 · 24/04/2019 09:53

There's a reason this 18 year old is contacting you after a year and the only thing you need to do is get rid of him. He has breached your trust with the kiss, and the dirty messages but more importantly with your photos. Why would you want to be with an arsehole who would do that? If you're wondering if it's normal; it's absolutely not.

Aus84 · 24/04/2019 09:58

and he told me that Snapchat you send as an image via the actual camera disappear. But if you send pics or messages through the chat feature you're able to save them or sometimes see them again,

I thought you could only see sent photos using a recovery tool/app. You wouldn't be able to see them in the sent history with the messages that go with them like you've described. Snapchat by default automatically deletes chat history. One of the reasons why it's so popular. I can't even see my history from 2 days ago, let alone a year. All I can see is the names of the contacts I've snap chatted.

fruitbrewhaha · 24/04/2019 09:59

So now you know what he is really like.

Which is why we date and take our time to get to know someone etc.

It's sad, you will feel sad for some time as you thought you'd found a good man to be with and be a part of yours and your DS's life but he's not the one. Knock this relationship on the head, summer is around the corner, you will meet someone much more worthy of you.

TFBundy · 24/04/2019 10:00

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Prequelle · 24/04/2019 10:01

aus if you send photos from your camera roll you can press and hold it in the chat screen and it will highlight in grey and will stay on screen until you press and hold again. Each individual message would have to have had this done for OP to read them

Aus84 · 24/04/2019 10:01

You can save photos or snaps that you create through snap chat, but they are saved in Memories. Not in the chat history so you wouldn't be able to see who he has sent a particular photo too...

Boom45 · 24/04/2019 10:02

Don't let him convince you any of this is forgivable. It's so far from forgivable and the "start of the relationship and i was scared" stuff is irrelevant.
Quite honestly if i found out my DH (who I've been with for 15 years) had sent semi naked pictures of any women without her consent even before we met I'd dump him so fast he wouldn't know what day it was. Regardless of all of the multiple ways he's betrayed your trust that shows such a hideous attitude to women I couldn't look at him in the same way ever again.

Aus84 · 24/04/2019 10:02

Thanks Prequelle :)

Namechangeforthis2019 · 24/04/2019 10:05

For those who don't know how the messages are still there, I've attached a screenshot showing how I can see it, and the messages are dated from last summer when he was away. (obviously blacked out the picture of my arse) have cropped the worse messages out from further down because I feel a bit sick reading them

DP sending underwear photo of me to another woman
OP posts: