The Ten White Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Wedding Part 2

[jessicawessica]

I've never had to start a second thread so no idea if I've done this right.
I couldn't resist the title.

at "bi-ferk"

I think in this case it’s “bi-ferk you” to the OP.

Those saying DB1 should just put his foot down - how often do we have threads from people saying their parents will pay for a wedding/house deposit/education and everyone piles in to say that it only works if there are no strings attached? DB1 can't just ride over his son's wedding - to use another MN favourite, he has had his chance.

For the avoidance of doubt, I think the DN is a complete twat, who has behaved appallingly. I just don't agree that DB1 should start throwing his weight around simply because he is paying.

To purposely not invite your Auntie & Uncle who you see every week & appear quite close to & appear to get on well with, well to not invite them to your wedding is really horrible as well as bad manners.
In this case DB1 should say something!
Just wondering if the DN is a snob like Hyacinth Bouquet, for whatever reason.

OP, how did the bride-to-be react when your mum told DN why you and DB2 weren't there on Sunday? Was she in the 'get over yourselves' camp?

• It caused some upset relatives, including his mother who was really upset that her brothers and sisters weren't all invited."

I was planning a low-key wedding with only close family (e.g. those I meet and actually talk to, about 15-20 people). My mum wanted to pay for some other family to come (but only for the cost of their plate, no other contribution to the wedding was offered), but these family members were either people I had never met or people that I supposedly had met as a baby but never met again. She was upset because she is not that close to the rest of the family (she's a bit toxic and most of them have gone NC with her). My DH is almost NC with his family, so it was just mine, as we were doing a nice dinner out with his parents beforehand (who could not travel to where my family is, and my family could not travel to where he is, so it was always going to be two celebrations). It was creating so much tension just at the organising stage that we decided to scrap it all and elope. Best decision ever. We did not care about presents or cash, though. We knew most would not send anything and that was fine too. I get the impression that most of these evening invitations are saying "we did not want you there but we want a present from you.

Regarding the OP, I think it is bad form not to invite family members who you visit regularly and with whom you have discussed the wedding at length, as if they were going to be invited. OP got to hear all about the wedding ceremony and the wedding breakfast / reception, but then was not invited to it. Even if it is "his wedding, his choice", it is a rude choice. If he was planning that all along, he should not have been discussing all these details with them and specially not with OP's daughter, who has been super excited all along.

Cancel the cheque!
I mean, decline the invite!

... which you did!

sorry, bold-fail. The first couple of lines were from @Isthisafreename

@CoffeeDeprivation - your situation was quite different to the one I described as my cousin's wedding was quite big (120), aunt is close to her siblings and cousin knows all the aunts and uncles.

There was similar with another cousin on the other side of my family. Wedding had 250 guests, one cousin was invited with partner and adult children who cousin getting married barely knew, while other two cousins not invited at all (only 3 cousins in total and one lives abroad so very likely to travel for it). Uncle claimed it had nothing to do with him but let it slip that the list had been run past him for approval and he didn't mention the cousins but had checked to ensure other people were invited. My mother was very upset about that as she had always been good to cousin and felt uncle should also have mentioned it, particularly as he was asked for input.

Yes, those cases are completely rude. If you have a relationship, I do not see why you would do that. Make it a bit lower-key and invite everyone with whom you have a relationship? Some people put too much emphasis on that one day and lose track of what is important. The day goes in a flash, the money is gone, it is just memories and pictures. The people you snubbed will be there after the wedding and you might have shattered relationships for the sake of a more expensive cake that will go off before you can eat it all...

On another topic, I cannot believe that OP's (D)N chose to spend his father's savings on a wedding instead of on a deposit for a house! Especially when they are living with his mum... all of them. Either the mum has promised them the property in exchange for caring for her, or this is a very stupid decision once you think long-term and the prices of the properties... Maybe they are living there for free and saving towards a property that way, but even so, the money was likely to be £15,000-£20,000, especially considering what they are having... if you had that deposit AND you could save all your salary by living with mum, you could pay a property in no time, which is such an advantage in life for anything else, such as buying a second property, saving for your children's studies, etc.

I got invited to am evening do once where there was no food. They had all eaten at about 6pm, DH and I turn up at about 7.30 with a gift and there was no food. We made our excuses about 10 and went to the KFC...

@CoffeeDeprivation - the wedding of the second one got even better. Apparently, the top table were served better food than the plebs other guests. Think fillet steak vs roast beef.

It did come back to bite them though. It's a small town and loads of people were asking where the uninvited local cousin was. Both uncle and cousin are very bothered about their image so that wouldn't have gone down well :-)

Wow, that is really shitty! Different menus!!!? Who has these ideas? What did the people say? Being a small town, it was probably in everyone's gossip!

I don't know if many people noticed but I was told by someone who was there as a plus 1, saw the steak being served on his way back from the toilet and thought it looked nice so decided to change from his original choice to the beef. He was disappointed!

He knew hardly anyone there and isn't local so wouldn't have mentioned it until afterwards.

If I was your mum I wouldn’t be having them round for Sunday lunch anymore. Including DB1.

I would tell them they're not invited to Sunday lunch with the rest of the family but can come for a cup of tea at 3pm.

Great idea @2stepsonthewater

It’s her son and grandson, M4J4. I understand the rift among siblings, and the nephew and them, but it is a difficult position for OP’s mother.

"I would tell them they're not invited to Sunday lunch with the rest of the family but can come for a cup of tea at 3pm"

I bloody love this idea!

2 steps that's genius. But can they give you a lift to the lunch and then come back later.

not heard of the wishing well

but have been at a wedding where the top table got different food.

I went to a reception once with a wishing well which I hadn't been expecting. I'd taken a present, not brought cash to donate.

I would tell them they're not invited to Sunday lunch with the rest of the family but can come for a cup of tea at 3pm.
That gets funny with "by the way please drop off GM for lunch", but gets cruel when they have to inform DN that his daughter isn't invited for tea, so he should make other arrangements for her for the afternoon.

I used to work in outside catering, did a lot of weddings and a different menu/wine/nicer crockery for top table wasn’t that unusual! It mostly happened in one particular venue, so I suspect the venue was offering this option rather than the B&G forming their own idea...

And in 5+ years of catering weddings, I can only think of one that wasn’t a “bi-ferk”

And in 5+ years of catering weddings, I can only think of one that wasn’t a “bi-ferk”

Exactly. I’d never heard of this ‘two-tier’ business before I joined MN and I really couldn’t get steamed up over it. Every wedding I’ve ever been to had extra guests in the evening - shockingly, I WAS one of those extra guests on two occasions and have somehow lived to tell the tale. I also once turned down an evening only invite because it would have been difficult to travel, and did so without either the bride cutting me out of her life in disgust or me taking permanent umbrage at having been on the ‘B-list’ in the first place.