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Original poster

The Ten White Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Wedding Part 2

844 replies

jessicawessica · 23/04/2019 13:27

I've never had to start a second thread so no idea if I've done this right.
I couldn't resist the title.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Isthisafreename · 27/04/2019 23:35

t’s unlikely everyone would have the nerve to ask so some would be left spectulating

At my cousin's wedding, where one cousin was invited and the other wasn't, there were plenty of questions asking where the missing cousin was. Most were shocked when told they were not invited.

BlackCatSleeping · 27/04/2019 23:36

I’m sure this has been asked before, but why do you think he doesn’t want you there?

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 23:39

I agree re: OP’s mum. She’s letting this drag out and they all seem to be relishing the drama.

DB1 is still her son yet she seems quite happy to bitch about him to her other children!

The whole thing is unnecessarily drawn out and weird.

ByeClaire · 27/04/2019 23:40

Of course some people will ask why they're not there, my point was that not all of the people wondering will ask, and some who see the OP or her DB dropping off or picking up their DM may think that they've chosen not to come and are making a petty point by 'showing their faces'.

Tangofandango · 27/04/2019 23:40

Husband and I were once invited to a wedding - well not the actual wedding ceremony OR the evening do. We were invited to go in between the two to watch the photos being taken!

Grainedmonkey · 27/04/2019 23:42

It's unfair to say they are relishing the drama. I do not see this to be the case at all. OP and DM sound lovely and they have been hurt by thoughtless DN

Graphista · 27/04/2019 23:44

I agree op's mum is fence sitting - which solves nothing and usually actually leads to more bad feeling.

She cannot please everyone so she needs to decide what side she falls on and stick to it.

ByeClaire · 28/04/2019 00:04

@jessicawessica

As you were surprised by me saying your mum seems to be making/letting this be all about her, rather than you, I had a look at the first thread to see if my memories of your posts were correct. And they are. Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn but while you clearly express how you felt sorry for your mum (and your DD, and even your DB1), at no point did you say that your mum clearly expressed upset on your behalf, expect perhaps when she confronted your DN finally. Here are the excerpts where you wrote about your mum in all your posts on the first thread:

My mum is horrified. She is invited to the ceremony and , but doesn't want to go now either as she'll basically be all on her own....she doesn't know the Brides family.

But I do feel bad now for my mum who's starting to dread being on her own all day.

Is it local?
Well this is another issue.
Neither my DB1 or mum have a car.
I assume as a Groomsman DB will go in a wedding car?
The plan was for me to drive mum there (as we assumed she would go with me and DCs).
Not sure what;s going to happen now.

Anyway, too late now. Mums just phoned and asked if I can pick up DB1. I said yes, but I can't stay as DS is "under the weather". You really don't think it's insensitive/self-interested that your Mum called and asked you to pick up DB1 after you found out you weren't invited and were so upset?

Shit! Just had a call from mum
Mum: Change of plan. DN is picking DB1 up instead and will pick you up on the way.
Me: No thanks
Long silence.
Mum: "Why?"
Me: I'd just rather not spend the day listening to wedding talk again.
Mum: Oh I see. Do you want me to have a word with DN?
Me: What would be the point? But if he wants he can call on the way and pick up his RSVP.
Mum: Okay, well I'll call DB1 and tell him you're not coming.
Well that went well. Again, how unreasonable odd that your Mum doesn't instinctively understand how you feel and is expecting you to put your feelings aside in order to prioritise her/DB1.

Feel really bad for mum but I just can't face seeing DN and DB1 in the same room atm so won't be going today. You feel bad for her - has she explicitly said she feels bad for you?

Apparently, on Sunday, she sort of lost it.
"They all sat there, still banging on about this bloody wedding" she said.
She said "Do you know why your aunt and uncle aren't here today? Because they feel insulted that they haven't been invited to the ceremony".
She said DN laughed and said we "needed to get over ourselves then".
She asked him how she was supposed to get to the venue and who she was supposed to be seated next to, as she's never even met the brides family.
DN said "Well we thought Auntie could "drop you off" and we haven't decided who's sitting where atm"
"Drop you off"! It's a 60 mile round trip.
B1 said NOTHING.
Mum was fuming but she dropped it at that.

Kudos to her mentioning you and DB1 and saying you felt insulted, but then it quickly goes to how she'll be getting there. Did she say that she thinks it's outrageous you weren't invited?

I'm not trying to stir, I'm trying to get you to see that maybe the reason why this is happened is a family dynamic where your needs always come second place or are never mentioned or actively thought about much.

Halo84 · 28/04/2019 00:05

I think it’s too late to clear the air. OP and DB2 likely wouldn’t go to the wedding now in any event.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 28/04/2019 00:09

Actually anyone can go to the Church/Registry to witness a wedding. At mine & DH's wedding we had villagers & most of the WI who knew DMIL, but not us in the Church. (We married in DH's childhood village)
So I would be tempted to go to the Church/Registry & be in their face or cough loudly when the Vicar/Registrar asks if anyone objects. But that's me, I have an evil streak in me when it comes to my loved ones being intentionally upset/hurt by others.

Halo84 · 28/04/2019 00:09

ByeClaire, DM is in an awkward position. She loves all her children and is dealing with a grandson with the social graces of an inanimate object. Furthermore she may not have a personality that deals with confrontation.

ByeClaire · 28/04/2019 00:34

Halo84 - She is in an awkward position, agreed. She may not like confrontation, although she managed to do it. But what she hasn’t done is encouraged the OP to feel it’s ok did her to feel and say that’s hurt. I mean, the DM asked the OP to pick up her DB1 for their Sunday lunch gathering as normal after the invite and then, after saying that DN was giving DB1 a lift, was surprised when the OP said she wasn’t coming to lunch and asked why. Talk about tone deaf or in denial. And why was the DM being the go-between in the phone calls? Why not tell DB1 to ask the OP for a lift himself?!

All I’m saying is the OP is feeling sorry for her and obligated towards her mother, and maybe it’s time she put her own feelings first for a bit and not do things like a 60 mile round trip in order to make things easier for the DM and DB1 when she’s been treated like shit.

Halo84 · 28/04/2019 01:06

OP never posted she was going to chauffeur her mother.

How would driving a wedge between OP and her mother benefit anyone?

ByeClaire · 28/04/2019 01:24

Halo84 - yes she did say (and/or her DB2) she would “chauffeur” her mother if that’s what her mum wants.

No need for a wedge between the OP and her mother. Hmm But no need for the OP to feel obligated towards her regarding this wedding either - the DM has another child, DB1, who can do that, and it would be sensitive for the DM not to rely on her other two children for this event, either physically or emotionally.

ByeClaire · 28/04/2019 01:25

Sensitive and considerate, in fact.

Motoko · 28/04/2019 01:55

@TracyBeakerSoYeah

This has already been addressed. It's not in a church or registry office, but a country house venue, and it's 60 miles away. Country houses tend to be in the middle of nowhere, and depending on the size, may only allow the wedding guests in.

OP, I do think your mum should have had a stern word with B1, he is her son, and like Graphista's family, my mum certainly would have spoken to my brother, and his son.

I also agree with PPs, that you and DB2 should not be driving your mum. Her other son or grandson can arrange that.

LunafortJest · 28/04/2019 02:41

I agree with ByeClaire, OP I think that if your mum goes, she's being a bloody mug and showing she is a doormat. She should not go, not just in solidarity to you, but simply because it is the principled thing to do. If she goes, she just proves her tough talking and indignance was all just putting on a show for you. I would be furious if my mum went, and I would no longer talk to her OR my 'D'N. I sure as hell would not offer her a lift even if she "really wanted to go". She started off well, now she is back-sliding. Time to make sure she knows you don't want her to go. If she goes, I would view that as a far greater betrayal to you than your 'D'N's to you.

fargo123 · 28/04/2019 05:51

Your mum is in an awkward position of her own choosing. Once she found out that the rest of the family wasn't invited, she needed to tell dickhead nephew that she wouldn't be attending either.

By RSVPing 'yes', then like it or not, she has chosen 'sides', and it's not the right side. I certainly wouldn't be facilitating her getting to and from the wedding.

crispysausagerolls · 28/04/2019 06:43

By RSVPing 'yes', then like it or not, she has chosen 'sides', and it's not the right side. I certainly wouldn't be facilitating her getting to and from the wedding.

Agree

TheCaddyisaBaddie · 28/04/2019 06:58

So am I right - the next door neighbour gets a full invite to ceremony but family who he sees weekly doesn't?

MRex · 28/04/2019 07:41

I agree that DM has been too passive and isn't helping to sort anything out. I do understand it though because my DM can be the same with any sibling disagreements; she doesn't want to fall out with a child so she will never pick a side regardless of what AS (Annoying Sibling, it's the same sibling every time) has done to annoy one of the others.

I disagree that JessicaWessica's DM was wrong to accept the wedding invite though regardless of who else has been wronged; DN might never forgive her that slight and she could miss out on seeing her great grandchild as a result, that's too important to risk. DN can't blame his DA and DU for not coming because he only invited them to the evening, but he could blame his DGM for getting involved. His first reaction that they'd have to "get over it" suggested to me that he actually thought the rest of the family would pressure them to attend, so he'll already be slightly aggrieved (entirely unjustifiably obviously), it's a delicate balance.

The time to ask why they only got an evening invite and to explain why it was hurtful was last week! I don't know how they can ask him how because he's already been backed into a corner and is lay he's he's likely to get even nastier as a result. If any of them could ask his DF what happened then they might get more insight.

MRex · 28/04/2019 07:42

"Is lay he's" = "I'd lay bets"

MumW · 28/04/2019 11:12

Maybe you could all drive DM over and have a rowdy picnic on the lawn outside the venue so as not to disappoint DD. Extra points for photobombing! 🤣

Holidayshopping · 28/04/2019 11:54

I wouldn’t drive your mum-that’s doing exactly what twatty DN wanted you to.

You said your mum can drive but just doesn’t have a car at the moment. Wouldn’t it make more sense for her to borrow your car or hire one for the day rather than you doing 2 long round trips?

Motoko · 28/04/2019 12:31

With 10 groomsmen, I'm sure someone could drive OP's mum.