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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Ten White Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Wedding Part 2

844 replies

jessicawessica · 23/04/2019 13:27

I've never had to start a second thread so no idea if I've done this right.
I couldn't resist the title.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 27/04/2019 22:22

Sorry op, I've missed this - what is happening tomorrow please?

winecigsandchoc · 27/04/2019 22:23

DNS reaction to your mums (very good and reasonable plan) will be very telling. She will only be staying for the "free" portion of the day (I.e not the meal) and guests may wonder why she isn't there later on.

If he's peeved/confused about this then that shows he either is a total fucking idiot or places more value on the show than the meaning.

As an earlier poster said he knows the price
Of everything and the value of nothing

winecigsandchoc · 27/04/2019 22:24

It's Sunday so DB2 has invited all sane and emotionally intelligent family members round to his

Beachbodynowayready · 27/04/2019 22:32

Dm should get a taxi to the wedding and point the groom out to the driver for the fare...

notmuchmoretogive · 27/04/2019 22:35

Do you know, I think your mum going to 'the important bit' (the ceremony and photos) is the right thing. And if you or DB give her a lift and wait it will speak volumes about where you add value i.e. the vows and sense of family. Maybe in time Knob Nephew will realise he could've cut costs by inviting you to the important bit (but then he might've had to pay to feed you and had 7 groomsmen- god forbid!)

Has DB1 never thought to reign in the expenditure? Seems ridiculous to me (for a family who clearly have limitations).

Original poster
jessicawessica · 27/04/2019 22:35

When I talked about this earlier with mum she said "What do I say when someone from the brides family says "So you've only got DB1 then, no other DCs? I'm going to feel stupid when I say that I have 3DCs and then someone asks Where are they?"

OP posts:
Warpdrive · 27/04/2019 22:37

I’m so sorry for your poor mum. The seating plan seems to indicate that she’s been assigned to sit with the olds (with the geriatric NDN), instead of being recognised as proud matriarch of the family.

It will be very difficult for everyone to get over this.

winecigsandchoc · 27/04/2019 22:44

Well then she says- "yes I do, thank you for asking, I have a son and a daughter aside from DB1. They see DN every week and DD is the godmother of his daughter. DN and his bride chose not to invite them and his uncle and his children although they all get along well, and see each other regularly, with (I had thought) genuine familial loyalty and bond. DN was very confused when, at the usual
Sunday meet up at my house, after the wedding invites went out, his godmother didn't bring her children along for an easter egg hunt he had planned at my house, truth is, they are very very hurt; but, it is his wedding and I have attended and witnessed the ceremony on behalf of his wider family"

Duck90 · 27/04/2019 22:45

Op. In all honesty, just let it go! I do realise this is disappointing, but be dignified in this situation. Leave poor mum to enjoy the wedding, without being caught in sibling arguments.

I have no idea why they would bore you in all the wedding talk! But they did. Baffling really.

Depending on the age of your mum, or unable to get places on her own, I would help her get to the wedding.

winecigsandchoc · 27/04/2019 22:45

*his DA not godmother! Sorry there's a lot of acronyms rolling around this thread!

Graphista · 27/04/2019 22:50

I think your mums plan could actually be excellent ESPECIALLY if you and db2 share the transport - have guests ASKING "who's that dropped your gran off/picked her up?" and not so d nephew having to EXPLAIN "that's my uncle" "that's my aunt" to which most normal people will at least raise an eyebrow as to their not attending the wedding, and also perhaps having to explain why his gran isn't staying.

Indeed given the numbers surely the likelihood is that at least a few of the guests will recognise you and your other brother as his aunt and uncle - that'll fuel some interesting conversations at the wedding!

winecigsandchoc · 27/04/2019 22:52

Ooh yes what @Graphista said! Especially if you/DB2 has to come in and collect her and make small talk!

ByeClaire · 27/04/2019 22:52

I seriously think you should leave how your mother gets to and from the wedding to your DB1 and DN to organise. Why allow them to use you? Why not avoid the whole day entirely, rather than possibly having the awkwardness of being seen in the car but not getting out?

I think it would actually be unfair of her to take a lift from you or your DB2. Personally I think she should be putting her foot down more rather than worrying about who'll she be sat with, who'll she'll talk to and how she'll get there. She should be focusing on trying to get her eldest son to understand just how hurtful this is for his siblings.

ByeClaire · 27/04/2019 22:54

The thing about people recognising you is what I'm saying you should try and avoid - because you don't know that they won't simply assume that it is you who is making a point, rather than that you weren't invited. After all as the other day proved, even your DN2, Groomzilla's own brother, didn't know you hadn't been invited.
Best to stay away completely.

Beachbodynowayready · 27/04/2019 22:57

If you ferry dm it will seem like you approve of their twatfuckery...

JessieMcJessie · 27/04/2019 22:57

Yeah guests will probably assume that OP and her bro have for some dark family reason declined an invitation though, rather than not been invited.

TheweewitchRoz · 27/04/2019 23:07

Your mum should be honest and say you guys weren't invited and leave it at that.

Original poster
jessicawessica · 27/04/2019 23:07

This is getting into Line of Duty territory now.
Who's that dropping your grandma off?
Who's that picking your grandma up?
Why didn't they attend the ceremony?
Why didn't they attend the evening do?
Who are those 2 shadowy figures sitting in cars outside?Grin

OP posts:
Graphista · 27/04/2019 23:09

Your mum needs only to answer any questions honestly - the shame is absolutely not hers!

"Yes I have another 2 children but Dn didn't see fit to invite close family who've always been there for him. We're very disappointed in him"

Although I must admit if I were her (and again I must say any of the other parents and grandparents in my family would be the same in her position) I'd be having Dn and his father over for words before the wedding!

Actually in my family it would have all blown up that Easter Sunday! Not necessarily a good thing but it's rare in my family for long rifts to occur probably because air is usually cleared.

Would have felt awkward for you but my grans would've insisted everyone was there and then turned to Dn and said "what the bloody hell is this nonsense only inviting family to the evening?!"

And neither would have had any time for "not enough room" bollocks either!

ByeClaire - the problem with your stance is that then it looks like op and other brother etc are the ones who've done something wrong and need to hide away.

Nope bare the truth and shame the devil!

Original poster
jessicawessica · 27/04/2019 23:15

Graphista, all your posts have been so spot on.
I wish my family could be like yours.
Unfortunately we have always been the epitome of the British stiff upper lip. Say nothing until "the balloon goes up" as my mum would say.
.

OP posts:
ByeClaire · 27/04/2019 23:18

@Graphista that’s an odd thing to say, and I disagree. It’ll look worse if the OP or her DB turn up and people wonder why they are there when they’re not staying. It’s unlikely everyone would have the nerve to ask so some would be left spectulating. And bloody embarrassing to be there when uninvited imo - could easily look pointed and bitter.

Besides I don’t approve of the way the OP’s mother has handled this, it seems to be all about her. And she still had DB1 and DN1 over for Sunday lunch the week the rift happened even though she knew the OP and DB2 weren’t coming, and she apparently strongly disapproved of the situation herself (because, who would she sit beside and who would take her?)

Frankly I think the OP’s mum could have done more and is being somewhat self-absorbed. Was DB1 her favourite?

Original poster
jessicawessica · 27/04/2019 23:22

OP's mum ....all about her , really? If anything she is the one who is stuck in the middle of trying to not let her DC's fall out.

OP posts:
Graphista · 27/04/2019 23:26

I do agree op's mum and I'm sorry op but also you and your other brother have been and are being too passive.

This is definitely erring into "long term never discussed but awkward rift" territory because nobody is having the balls to challenge knob nephew

I disagree nobody will have the nerve to ask, once the drink is flowing somebody will say something, especially if they know the family.

Certainly my close friends would have thought it extremely odd if my family weren't at my wedding and would have asked why

Indeed they did ask after those that couldn't make it to mine especially one particular aunt as she's lovely and lots of fun (her husband took a stroke the week before sadly. He recovered but she understandably prioritised supporting him. He was greatly missed too as he was a lovely warm funny guy, sadly passed a few years ago another stroke).

If there's been a hint of a falling out eyebrows would have been raised.

Graphista · 27/04/2019 23:31

But op by not acting with assertive and clear communication the family is heading towards a massive fallout anyway.

Your mum should be pulling up nephews dad and you and/or other brother should have told nephew outright as soon as you received invites that you were hurt and confused and wanted a reasonable explanation as to why he's done something so offensive.

It's just dragging out now.

ByeClaire · 27/04/2019 23:33

Exactly, she's stuck in the middle, and as the head of the family, so to speak, she should be trying to force the issue out in the open, or at the very least let the separate sides be and tell you 'no way do I want you or your brother having to drive me to and from a wedding you should have been invited to'.

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