The Ten White Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Wedding Part 2

[jessicawessica]

I've never had to start a second thread so no idea if I've done this right.
I couldn't resist the title.

One point about the OP’s mum, she must be quite elderly, she obviously isn’t able to drive hence the need for a lift. Do we know her age? She possibly isn’t physically up to handling a family drama hence her DD trying to protect her.

It isn’t necessarily about physical health or mental capacity either. My DM will be 80 this year yet still spends 3 months a year running a charity project in Africa. But she goes to pieces when faced with family confrontations.

There’s probably a backstory to the OP’s attitude towards her DM.

DN just said that there wasn't room for everyone.

And yet, he seems to have invited "everyone." Except close family.

That’s true, as there’s room for the NDN apparently.

OP said her mum was in her early 50s didn’t she?

I think everyone here is loving the drama tbh.

OP wasn’t invited to the whole do so she declined to go to any of it. Granny has been invited and has accepted. But granny is continuing to stir the pot by constantly updating OP with who has been invited instead of her.

OP shouldn’t give a toss because she’s not going anyway. And there the matter should hav ended.

But if I’m brutally honest the main protagonist here seems to be the OP’s mum who is loving every minute of it being the chosen one and getting to spread the next instalment to those not invited about those who have been invited therefore emphasising how unimportant OP is in the scheme of things.

I would leave aside all the game playing, the wanting to do x and y to the nephew etc. He’s made it clear that OP isn’t invited. He hasn’t felt the need to explain himself but that’s how family goes sometimes. As I said I think that aunties think they’re mor important than the nieces and nephews do and it’s likely that the OP was never really that important to dn in the scheme of family.

OP should now just be saying “right, well I’m not going so who cares if the next door neighbour is.” And leave it at that.

It’s done. All this stirring is just increasing bad feeling whereas otherwise the wedding would just come and go and that would be that.

I give this marriage 2 years, tops.

Lunafort
Bloody hell. You’d stop talking to your mother effective cutting her off. Idk about your mother but ops mother sounds very normal, a self effacing woman, who has loved her and her children for the past 50 years, wiped her bum, cuddled her through illness and upset etc. Yet you’d cut her off because she chose to go to her grandsons wedding over not going just because you’d not been invited by the idiot. Fuck me that’s incredibly controlling.

I am blown away at the number of PPs suggesting that OP's mother attends the wedding and makes a point of gossiping with other guests about personal family drama and about how 'disappointed' and 'hurt' she is/others are in DN etc.

Much as I understand the desire for others to know 'your side', that is just not on. Not the time; not the place.

Sure, if a stranger asks OP's mother if DB1 is her only son, or if someone known to her asks where her other children are, then she's well within her rights to simply and flatly state, "They weren't invited, unfortunately.", then allow the enquirer to draw their own conclusions about the cringingly grandiose selfishness and disloyalty he is displaying (and most will).

...But if you cannot attend someone's wedding ceremony and celebration without

gossiping about and trashing the bride and groom to the other guests

... Then just don't go at all; that is just gauche as f*.

Moreover, it almost certainly wouldn't reflect well on your family: Anyone standing there - deer-in-headlights for being unwittingly dragged into the bride and groom's family drama for asking an innocent and superficial question - might readily infer that such indecorous, boundary-oblivious behaviours could well reflect the reason the rest of you weren't invited.

NoCauseRebel
Idk about ops mum revelling in being the chosen one. She told op that she was glad her grandson had shown his true colours otherwise they would have continued to put the same amount of energy into the relationship with him. Going to the ceremony then leaving is probably the most dignified thing to do.

Ops mother is also alone so it is normal for her to discuss the neighbour situation with her dd. If she had a partner this situation would be much more of a non issue. Just because op isn’t going, she should still be able to support her mother, who by all accounts is devastated and knows in reality it’s her place to say something but doesn’t have the courage.

jessicawessica
It is no point wishing your family could be more like Graphistas. Either you accept it isn’t or take a decision to be direct yourself. You are in control of your behaviour. You took the decision to avoid your nephew when in reality you could confront him.

Tbh though the ages of all these people make no sense.

If the OP’s mum is in her 50’s then OP is presumably in her 30’s at best, so the nephew is ... what... in his teens? Any older than that and one would question how it was that the OP was his godmother?

OP said her mum was in her early 50s didn’t she?

This is clearly a mistake - otherwise how does she have a 24 year-old grandson? More likely is that the OP is in her early fifties.

Some of the responses on this thread are bizarre. It’s the kind of wedding that has ten groomsmen all in white. There are 150 guests. Yet several posters are suggesting that the hot topic of conversation will be ‘Who dropped off the groom’s Gran?’ Bollocks!

I might have misread it.

Ah hang on. I think DN’s mum is 50!

My guess is that the DN has invited the absolute bare minimum of family he can get away with, ie his grandmother, but that the other guests have been chosen on the basis of how much they're likely to spend on a wedding present. OP basically you're not rich enough!!!!!!

This is going to have long term repercussions for DN, unless everyone 'forgets' about it afterwards for the sake of not causing an argument.

Jess can I suggest that on the day of the wedding you make a plan to go somewhere nice, let your DD have posh frock to wear (if she'd like that), and have an unwedding day.

Yes mum has asked but DN just said that there wasn't room for everyone. But then who is everyone?
DN only has 10 members of family tops. We don't know whether the bride's aunts and uncles are invited or not.

This actually tells us a lot. No room for a very small number of family, yet it's been posted there are 150 guests.

I agree with Wonkybanana that it's about what the B&G can get. I also think it's a case of style over substance, they're trying to impress people and think the show will be wasted on family.

Another pp mentioned that maybe DN thinks his family aren't posh enough, which also fits in.

Clearly though, DN hasn't realised that people will likely talk about the wedding for all the wrong reasons. I mean, he's having 10 groomsmen in white, the rest of the wedding will likely be just as tacky. I think he wants to impress and it's going to backfire.

@MulticolourMophead I do think you have hit the nail on the head. This is about gifts and a complete lack of respect, courtesy for the family.

Nothing will fix this now. And the only losers here will ultimately be the B&G when or if they ever realise what they have lost.

It's sad, really. Having the support of family, if you're fortunate to have a decent one, will help far more than a few expensive gifts.

Ex and I never got married, but if I were to find someone new and marry, then my immediate family includes a few cousins who would definitely be invited. I have two cousins in particular who are as close as siblings and they would never be left out.

But OP by not acting with assertive and clear communication the family is heading towards a massive fallout anyway

^ yes it will fester, so there is nothing really to lose. Whatever happens then, at least you can move on. I speak from experience , as I also come from a family that doesn't "speak up" and there are sadly a massive area of hurt and injustice - but it was ignored by the older members of the family and the younger ones had to accept it, the problems that were ignored and the anger was never resolved really. Though in your case it is the younger members of the family causing the problem, so perhaps you can take the initiative!

"Talking" can just mean putting your views and feelings forward, it doesn't have to be long and drawn out, just a simple expression and wait for their response (if any). You don't have to come to a conclusion or agreement. And you may never get the "real" reason (if they are too chicken or embarrassed to say) but at least you will have shared your true feelings of hurt/sadness/injustice/whatever the feelings are.

It might be up to you to do it OP. If so, its better face-to-face - if you meet them in the street, or whatever. (It sounds like your mum can't or won't have the full conversation. I know she's caught in the middle a bit but she is also an "elder" in the family).

The OP's mum's age was mentioned (but not sure by whom) with regard to her maybe hitting it off with the next door neighbour, who's in his 80s.

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess - The OP's mum's age was mentioned (but not sure by whom) with regard to her maybe hitting it off with the next door neighbour, who's in his 80s.

It was dn's mum's age that was mentioned in relation to the comment about ndn potentially being her best friend.

The NDN’s being in his 80s was mentioned in a way that suggested he was a bit older than the OP’s mum.

I think a previous PP misunderstood me. I don’t think the DM should have refused to go necessarily, I can see why she is - but I do think she should have had a bloody big go at the DN and DB1.

And she definitely should have told them in no uncertain terms that no way are they going to ask the OP to give her a lift there.

As I said, in most of what the OP has said about her DM’s reactions, there’s been a focus on how it affects the DM. I suspect that if the OP is really honest with herself she’ll see there’s a pattern of the DM not always considering the OP’s feelings and the OP and others putting the DM first, and it is because of this that the DN inherently felt it was fine to treat his aunt the OP as a second-class citizen.

How could she be in her early 50s? Her grandson is in his early 20s and getting married. It’s possible, I suppose, but both she and DB1 must have started very young.

I believe there’s a great grandchild as well.

I think there’s been a misunderstanding here.

NDN in his 80s, he would be a bit older than the OP’s DM if she was in her 70s.

Yes that’s the kind of age I was assuming for the OP’s DM Lizzie, maybe early 70s or even late 60s.