The Ten White Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Wedding Part 2

[jessicawessica]

I've never had to start a second thread so no idea if I've done this right.
I couldn't resist the title.

If your dm does go I expect the milkman /postman and local Myhermes driver is there too.
Maybe the bride is worried you will upstage her by simply going!

Your clueless 'D' N has no idea how to treat family members. No consideration for his poor grandmother either. And your DB1hasnt got the gumption to set him straight.

If I were your mother I wouldn't be attending. I would feel very hurt and would be considering writing DN and DB1 out of my will. Maybe not DN2 though, he has done nothing wrong and seems bemused by the situation.

@notmuchmoretogive OP's brother, ie the groom's father, is paying for the whole thing.

He's an idiot if he thinks OP would drive her mum 60 miles to the wedding, then either go back home until the evening, or hang around somewhere until it's time for the evening do.

And as he knows OP is not going to the evening do, is he expecting her to drive her mum there, go back home, then rock up at 11.30pm to pick her mum up when it's finished? So having to drive 60 miles x 4, 240 miles in one day?

I understand what an aunt is, thanks.

Mmmm I’m sure you do yet the argument you gave justifying why the ndn has been invited and not the aunt is untenable. Ergo my response.

@motoko I know her DB paid, the money was for education or a house or errr blowing it on a wedding! Wasn't sure if groomsmen paid for their own outfits or if they're like bridesmaids and have it covered by the groom.

I think it's a shame that someone who lives with their mum isn't prioritising a home for his fiancé and DD, it sounds like the wedding money could've at least covered a deposit for a flat (depending on which part of the country you are in), but likely to be 20k/30k+

The longer this thread continues, the more clueless and insensitive the DN appears to be. Sadly for him, he’s burning his bridges with his family and doesn’t even realise it. For that not to be the result, he’s going to have a lot of making up to do with the family members he’s hurt.

Someone is going to have to be painfully honest with him about the way his actions have caused hurt, and it really should be his dad, but he should have spoken up long before now.

I am shocked that DN is still merrily carrying on pretending that he has behaved well in all this. Wow. Just wow.

Shame his own father doesn't have enough class to tell him he's been a complete dick to his family and to sort himself out!

Op the sheer lack of consideration for you mum/his gran in particular really shocks and angers me.

He's doing NOTHING to remotely make her feel welcome let alone an important and wanted guest - which he should be.

Again, if any of either of my grans grandchildren had behaved like this their parents would have ripped their heads off in order to put them back on straight!

His priorities are fucked up! Somebody needs to tell him so.

Have you or db2 spoken with dns father about all this? About HIS failure as a father to deal with this?

IF any of my cousins behaved like this and their parent didn't put them straight (I can think of one situation where it came close) then the parents siblings would have taken THEM to task for their poor parenting.

"He lives with his mother. He’s probably known this woman all his life. For all you know she’s the mother’s best friend." Still absolutely NOT a good enough reason to prioritise a fucking neighbour over family!

Somebody needs to tell this ARSE wipe (clearly it needs to be in words of one syllable) to get his head out his arse and treat his family better and learn some bloody manners! I think the time for polite eggshell tiptoeing has passed.

I think the time has come to ask bluntly WHY you weren't deemed good enough for a full invitation.

Enough's enough the air needs clearing, especially since it seems there's likely to be confusion for other guests with who will be there - his own brother had no idea you weren't properly invited. That suggests to me he DOESN'T have a remotely legitimate reason for not inviting his aunt, uncle and cousins (not that I thought there ever was).

I highly suspect there's going to be a snobbery issue behind all this and it may well be down to bride as well as groom.

Do NOT mistake quiet for benign.

"Yes mum has asked but DN just said that there wasn't room for everyone" which you know is bullshit from the numbers involved. Someone - it should be his father but clearly he's a gutless waste of space - needs to get the TRUTH out of him.

"We don't know whether the bride's aunts and uncles are invited or not." Time to ask! And do it face to face too.

This is such bollocks! Someone needs to have a serious word with this little twat!

I really hope that this doesn't sound awful as I realise it could do until you read my explanation.
Do you live in council/housing/rented accommodation? And DN bizarrely thinks he's better than you because he lives in (albeit in his MILs house if I am correct) a house that is bought/owned?
One of my snobby Aunties had this opinion about my DM & DF living in a council house. As soon as my parents managed to buy a house, Auntie's opinion of them totally changed. She was known as Hyacinth Bucket!

I am sorry that your DN is such a knob. I thinking you should not have anything to do with him in the future. Will your DM consider boycotting the wedding?

Wasn't sure if groomsmen paid for their own outfits or if they're like bridesmaids and have it covered by the groom.

Ah, @notmuchmoretogive, I see. Well, at my wedding, we paid for everything, including suit hire for the groom's men, as they were all wearing the same thing. I assumed that's what everybody did. (Back then, 15 years ago. Seems many bridesmaids have to pay for their own dresses now, going by some threads on MN!).

DB1 is paying for the groomsmen's suits. I remember when they came back from the fittings and he was shocked at how much each outfit was going to cost him.
I don't know who's paying for the bridesmaids dresses, not even certain how many there actually are.
Some PPs have stated that I must surely have done SOMETHING to offend DN in the past. I absolutely have wracked my brain over this and nothing.
However, IF I have somehow pissed him off so much that he wants to get back at me, surely he's going about it in the wrong way.
If he wanted to let me know just how much he disliked me, then why not invite DB2 to the ceremony?
Invite EVERYBODY on my side of the family but me.
Instead he seems to have gone out of his way to alienate all his family members, including his grandmother which has, in fact, brought them closer.
The argument that he doesn't want to spend sundays with my and DB2's family, just turns up to see his grandmother doesn't fit as his behaviour towards her is just as uncaring.
So why bother turning up every Sunday if he doesn't like any of us, including his grandmother?
Just seems pointless to me.

This is going to drag out being an awkward family situation forever unless someone outright asks why this decision was made

^ This with bells on it.

It looks like you're all going to be distanced from each other anyway. Speaking from experience, its best to ask outright. I know you said you had, but it doesn't make sense, so you could push for more.

Or just accept that you're not wanted at the wedding, and go on your own sweet way, smile and wave when you see them but nothing deeper?

Well my mum has asked why....no room it seems.That's the answer we've been given.
And actually, DN's actions have brought the majority of the family members closer together. So yes, we are going to be distanced, but only from them.

I don't see this as OP having done something to offend DN in the past. I don't think he goes that deep. He just hasn't given the invitations and the implications of who gets them proper consideration - too busy pissing about with the white suits !

Thanks op. Gift idea, a family meal for a Toby carvery/Sunday lunch? Maybe include your db too... they can wear their white suits.

well there's really nothing much else to be said or done then is there?

you could always mention it again sometime - saying you were very hurt to not be invited to give them an opening for an explanation or apology. maybe there could be some bridges built then, but there's no guarantee.

It is good to get your feelings over on the matter I think, even if there's no clear resolution in sight, everyone's clear what the problem is/was.

Senseless, hurtful, thoughtless behaviour from DN for no reason. With a bit of time to reflect I hope he says 'sorry Aunt Jess, I was a knob for not inviting you to my wedding , I got wrapped up in myself...' Then OP can choose to forgive him or not.

I just keep envisioning a room full of bored 20 something hipsters sat at round tables all getting drunk and the only family there are brides DPs db1 grooms DM and your DM.

-this. This is what it will be like.

Your poor DM/the granny. This must be horrible for her. Your nephew is a twat and I'm wondering borderline narcissist. His fiancé sounds like she has either got no backbone or no sense of propriety.

If I was her I would be incredibly hurt and also fairly anxious about spending the day with strangers and random NDN of DN's and also mightily pissed off. If I was a total cow feeling dramatic as DGM would be considering wearing all black and saying very loudly that the food was over cooked/ reference 90's boy bands and vanish adverts etc for the duration.

Also I can't help but think of the back street boys when the wedding is described. Hope the photo has attached

By "her" I mean granny! Not the bride! Doh!

But it's still a nasty experience, jessicawessica. I really feel for you

So why bother turning up every Sunday if he doesn't like any of us, including his grandmother?
Just seems pointless to me

Free lunch?

Bet it's going be more 10 Saturday Night Fever Horse-Groomsmen.

Unfortunately, it very much seems that the reason your nephew and family were showing up at your DM's every Sunday is possibly because it was an opportunity to get out of his mother's house, see his dad and getting fed was a bonus. I appreciate that they brought a dish but I bet they weren't being particularly generous in their contribution.

Your DM is right. I think your nephew has shown you who he really is. If it wasn't for this wedding, you may not have had the opportunity to see it so clearly.

I think mum will probably go to the ceremony and do the photo's but will then leave. This is the impression I get from speaking with her.
DB2 and I have both told her either one or the other of us will make sure she gets there and back if she really wants to go even though it's not really our place to do so. But if that's what she wants then fine.
At least we have tomorrow to look forward to. Luckily DB2's grandson will be there so DD will be in full mothering mode, which she usually did with DN's DD.
Another bonus is that DS1 actually wants to go as DB2's DS1 is same age so they'll be able to hide themselves away in the bedroom to play on the PS4