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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only get 30 mins of time alone away from baby

125 replies

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:08

Dd is 1 and as much as I love her is completely horrific!. She is extremely clingy. Cries and whinges all day long. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her but she is just very very hard work.
The days are relentless and I don't get a moment to even think!
The nights are even worse! She wakes a million times - again out of habit and I haven't had a decent night's sleep for over a year- not had 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep. She wake from anything from 20mins to an hour!

Anyway im obviously exhausted, getting really down and my health is becoming affected. I've asked dh that I can't take anymore and I need respite. He knows how hard it is for me. I've cried from exhaustion and just feeling like I've lost my life. He says the right things and promises to help but it never really materialises so I've decided to help myself as I can't rely on him. So I've looked into putting baby into a nursery for a day a week. It would be the only time I'd be away from her for me to just get on with things / shower/ etc. However this money would need to come out from the mortgage overpayment which we've worked really hard to save up for but dh is saying that he doesn't want to spend the money on nusrsey and he would give me 30mins before bed for me to do what I want.

Aibu in thinking this is just a very poor effort to help me. I've told him I'm tired half an hour before bed? What can I do in that time? I just want to rest not do chores

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 23/04/2019 11:10

I would say definitely do it, but let your DH look after the baby on his own for 24 hours first!

Dreamingofkfc · 23/04/2019 11:10

Are you working? What do you do in the day? If I'm in my 3 drive me crazy but out they are easier. Are you breastfeeding/co sleeping?

BeanBag7 · 23/04/2019 11:12

Have you tried any sort of sleep training to help with the night waking, I know that's easier said than done but there might be one which you could try. Could your husband help with some of the night waking?

I would personally be reluctant to pay for a nursery that you dont "need". A childminder could be cheaper.

BeanBag7 · 23/04/2019 11:13

What time does DH get home from work? Why is he only able to look after her for 30 mins?
If he doesnt want to spend the money he needs to put more effort in

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/04/2019 11:14

The nights are even worse! She wakes a million times

Harder said than done, ignore her, ear plugs, whatever it takes.

She is extremely clingy. Cries and whinges all day long.

Put her down and stop pandering to her.

I prepare to be flamed for use of the word 'pandering'

But your DH isnt pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/04/2019 11:15

30 mins a day? Whoop-dee-doo! THat's really poor. Hand baby over to your DH one day this weekend and take yourself to bed. Sounds absolutely exhausting for you.

Your DH needs to understand that you NEED some time to yourself. If the money for nursery comes out of mortgage overpayment then so be it.

Do you have family who could help out?

HappyDinosaur · 23/04/2019 11:20

My baby is a similar age and is quite clingy too, for that reason we've arranged one day per week at nursery. Its not just good for me, but good for her too. Yes its expensive, but it wont be forever. Could you join an evening club or something if that's not an option? Just something that gets you out of the house so that your dh does his bit? Honestly, I find it a bit surprising and possibly a little sad that he doesn't just want to have some time with her. Is it just because she wants you so it's tricky? I guess she'd get used to being with him pretty quickly if she did so more often. It is hard, I definitely think you need some time.

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:20

I've tried all sorts of sleep training. She ends up screaming and waking the other kids up. I just don't know what to do.
She's breastfed and won't drink cows milk/ formula. We currently co sleep but really want her in her own room.

DH is out of the house from 6 till 6 and has a 4 hr commute in total so is knackered himself. He says he'll help out but it never materialises. He'll help out a bit more for a few days and it's back to normal again. I'm fed up of keep asking for help.

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/04/2019 11:22

Firstly and most importantly: no, it isn't good enough, and I think you should insist on nursery rather than this '30 minute' business. Mortgage overpayment is great and important but not as important as your mental health. This is also a very temporary thing - it's not going to be for years and years on end that you're taking the money out of the mortgage over-payment.

If he is really insistent that you can't afford nursery then he needs to take her for a full weekend day a week, not 30 mins an evening. But, like you, I doubt that would really happen, so would push for nursery.

Presumably you're not going back to work? If you possibly can find part-time work (or full-time, if you want it!) then I would - if you're paying for nursery anyway then any calculations about it costing more than you earn are irrelevant.

I'm a bit reluctant to give you advice on how to deal with DD, as I think the fundamental problem is your DH and his attitude, not your parenting. That said, when we fixed DS's sleep (which, yes, did involve some gentle sleep training) he got much easier by day too, because he was so much less tired.

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:23

HappyDinosaur She is fine with him. I think if I actually leave the house to do something he has to keep her but I don't actually want to leave the house just so he looks after her!

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/04/2019 11:25

Ah, you didn't mention other kids at first so I think we all assumed she was your first. How old are they? I can see why that might make returning to work a less ideal solution.

Also, his days do sound knackering - though so are yours! - so I agree that even this 30 minute thing just won't happen.

violetbunny · 23/04/2019 11:25

That's really not good enough. You have an equal share of downtime, end of discussion.

Zoflorabore · 23/04/2019 11:26

How much is the nursery op?

I agree that your DH needs to walk a day in your shoes to appreciate that you are on your knees.
Is there any way you could cut back elsewhere to help with the nursery cost and therefore feel a bit more justified to do it?

I think it's money well spent to be honest.

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:31

The nursery costs would have to come out of the mortgage overpayments. It would only be for 2 years after which when dd is 3 I hope to go back to work pt. We have worked really hard to overpay the mortgage to this point and dh feels that stopping overpayments will push us back so much. But I can't go on like this so to me it's either my sanity or the mortgage will need a few more years to end.

OP posts:

theonewiththecats · 23/04/2019 11:33

nursery only once a week for a very clingy baby will be hard - settling on won't be easy if she goes only once a week.

Are you due to go back to work? if not I would explore the work route. I had an extremely clingy, breast feeding non sleeper and work has kept me sane (even tough we weren't better off financially. but it was much better for my mental health.

BeanBag7 · 23/04/2019 11:35

Do you go to bed at the same time as the baby? What time is that? I would try to stop the co sleeping so that you can have evenings to yourself.

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:35

When dh looks after DD on the rare occasions (appt etc) then he doesn't have the extra mental load of doing housework/ getting the other kids sorted/ shopping/ cooking/ etc. He "just" looks after her giving her all his attention and not doing anything else so he doesn't find it as bad as me. And of course he doesn't do the night wakings so he's not as exhausted in that respect.

OP posts:

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:37

I can't go back to work as I'm not really a high earner - just nmw type jobs so i would be out of pocket if I went back.

OP posts:

Di11y · 23/04/2019 11:37

could you try him taking on Saturday afternoon from naptime til dinner for a couple of weeks? this is his sacrifice for keeping the mortgage repayments.

or consider nursery once a week for only a year?

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 23/04/2019 11:38

You need support and if you have to pay for that support then do it. It’s all very well for him to say no but not help!

Frustrated and angry on your behalf

Treaclesweet · 23/04/2019 11:40

Is nursery the only option? Would a baby sitter be cheaper and more flexible? You might find you don't really need a a full day every week.

If it is the only option tell him it's non negotiable. At this point it is threatening your health which has no price. Issue an ultimatum. Or make him do half the night waking and see how fast he changes his mind!

NettleTea · 23/04/2019 11:41

my son improved immensly once he went into his own room - it was still hard getting him to sleep, but the wakings reduced and then stopped after a short while. I felt that when we co-slept we woke each other and he could smell the milk and see me and wanted it for comfort. It was exhausting and he was heavy so carrying him in a sling was getting bad.

Once he began to understand words better he slept much much better, because he understood that I was around and was coming back

But agree, get her in nursery and get some rest

HoustonBess · 23/04/2019 11:42

Your sanity is worth more than paying off the mortgage early.

Can DH get a job closer to home with less commuting time? 6-6 is barely being home at all really.

Alternatively is there somewhere you can send the other kids for a week, get DH to take time off work and he can do night training while you sleep for a week. Then you can push through without worrying bout waking the other kids.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 23/04/2019 11:43

How important to you is the breastfeeding?
She’s on solids so if she’ll eat Yoghurt and or cheese, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if you stopped.
It might be harder for a week or two but equally, breastfed babies often want to feed more than usual when they’ve been at nursery so, if you’re minded to stop soon anyway, you might be best doing it before starting nursery.
YADNBU

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/04/2019 11:44

A whole 30 minutes? He really is a Prince amongst men isn't he I would tell him that when you have a baby attached to you 24/7 and haven't had a decent night's sleep in a year, his offer of 30 minutes is a fucking insult. Does he not currently spend more than 30 minutes a day with his children?

Would you consider going back to work part time? It sounds as though the current arrangement isn't working for you and it might help your baby to separate from you more easily and be less clingy if she was with a childminder/nursery a couple of days a week. One day a week would be hard to adjust to for a clingy one year old.

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