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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only get 30 mins of time alone away from baby

125 replies

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:08

Dd is 1 and as much as I love her is completely horrific!. She is extremely clingy. Cries and whinges all day long. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her but she is just very very hard work.
The days are relentless and I don't get a moment to even think!
The nights are even worse! She wakes a million times - again out of habit and I haven't had a decent night's sleep for over a year- not had 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep. She wake from anything from 20mins to an hour!

Anyway im obviously exhausted, getting really down and my health is becoming affected. I've asked dh that I can't take anymore and I need respite. He knows how hard it is for me. I've cried from exhaustion and just feeling like I've lost my life. He says the right things and promises to help but it never really materialises so I've decided to help myself as I can't rely on him. So I've looked into putting baby into a nursery for a day a week. It would be the only time I'd be away from her for me to just get on with things / shower/ etc. However this money would need to come out from the mortgage overpayment which we've worked really hard to save up for but dh is saying that he doesn't want to spend the money on nusrsey and he would give me 30mins before bed for me to do what I want.

Aibu in thinking this is just a very poor effort to help me. I've told him I'm tired half an hour before bed? What can I do in that time? I just want to rest not do chores

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/04/2019 01:37

I didn’t want to hold Dd all the time but as she wouldn’t be put down without screaming her head off then she got held just so she wouldn’t cry.

There was nothing modern or perceived about not wanting your pfb to scream the place down so she got held all the time.

CallItLoneliness · 24/04/2019 02:40

I could not listen to my children cry. Just. Couldn't. Do. It. I still get fucking twitchy when I hear a baby crying--and my youngest is 3 1/2. It was partly PND, partly other things. It wasn't ideological, it was biological...literally my heart rate would go up, and my blood pressure. It may not be possible for OP to sleep train or night wean with a clingy little one, especially when she is already so busted.

OP, this last is also why I think you just put her in nursery. Drop off will be shit, but after that you are on your own. Even if your H takes her for a while, you will still be in the house...you need time properly away from her.

XXcstatic · 24/04/2019 04:54

you need time properly away from her

Totally agree. I can't believe it's even a question. You've got the rest of your lives to pay off the mortgage.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 24/04/2019 05:20

I don't think it's normal for a 1 year old to cry and whinge all day and all night. I appreciate you are at your wits end but why are you convinced there's nothing wrong with her? Your post is all about you and your dh but there is one very unhappy baby in the middle of this.

XXcstatic · 24/04/2019 05:31

The baby is sleep-deprived too.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/04/2019 07:21

I'd go back to work and cover the nursery costs that way. Even on NMW, unless you live in a very expensive area, it covers the cost of a days childcare.

That way you get your want and DH can relax about the mortgage payments. It's unfair to want to stop those if he's not happy when he's the one paying for them.

I'd also get baby checked given it's been going for so long. Peace of mind of nothing else.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 24/04/2019 08:27

I would try and find out why my baby is constantly unhappy. Sleep deprivation could have a lot to do with it. 1 year old is not too young for trying controlled crying (not to be confused with crying it out).

SheldonSaysSo · 24/04/2019 08:55

100%. go for the nursery, it will make you feel so much better. Its not going to negatively impact your finances as it is coming out of 'extra' money and its a small price to pay for your health.

It doesn't have to be forever either, in a years time she will be so different!

SleepingStandingUp · 24/04/2019 09:02

I'd say 1 day in nursery AND half an hour a day

One Saturday morning I'd get up and tell DH you're going out. And be gone all day. Book a cheap hotel room and sleep!! Lots of calcium rich foods - cheese, yoghurt etc. Let him cope with them all.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/04/2019 09:04

It's unfair to want to stop those if he's not happy when he's the one paying for them but he's using his wages because OP is home all day caring for his children. If OP walked out tomorrow he'd have to pay childcare and wouldn't be bale to pay his over payments. It isn't just about him

Babooshkar · 24/04/2019 09:07

Even if I was earning nmw it would be enough to pay for a childminder, most around here (south east) charge about £5-6p/h.

sar302 · 24/04/2019 09:09

I'd say go two mornings a week at nursery, instead of one day. There's more of a pattern to it. My little boy goes on tues and thurs mornings. It was the best thing we ever did for my mental health! I drop him off, go to the gym, come home, get on with whatever needs to be done, without having to work around a toddler. The money we are spending is slightly slowing our saving build up for a house deposit - but for the sake of my sanity, it's worth it.

Your DH is a separate issue however. Valiantly offering you 30mins before bed is bullshit. You should be able to leave the baby in his care for longer than that. As well as nursery, this needs to be addressed.

Babooshkar · 24/04/2019 09:10

Also, overpaying your mortgage is a nice thing / luxury.. Deteriorating mental health and sleep deprivation are WAY more important.

30 mins a day is a bloody piss take - this would be the bare minimum, frankly I would be handing over baby on his return home for at least an hour or two PLUS a whole day at the weekend, so you each get a lie-in on alternate days.

Bobcut · 24/04/2019 09:12

I haven’t read all of your messages but reading the first couple reminded me of myself, dc1 was a clingy breastfed baby and I loved doing everything but then had no choice but to do everything as she wouldn’t even go to her dad, dc2 naturally was a bit more independent but again it was always me, night wakings too. I find with my dh he naturally steps up after they are 1, I think some people just prefer toddlers to babies as they get more of a reaction back. I think now is the perfect time for your dh to start taking more involvement. My dh had no choice when dc1 was 12m because U got pregnant and was sick etc, she soon got use to him. Give him the baby every day for 30mins literally hand baby over and walk off, soon they will get a bond and he naturally will start doing more. I go mad when I have them and at home all day, you lose yourself, mine started part time nursery at 1 though so in the day I think go to parks, classes, nct meet ups, make friends so you can talk to people going through the same thing. There are apps to make mom friends

greatvengeanceandfuriousanger · 24/04/2019 09:13

Put your dad in nursery and take the time for yourself. If you are able to mover her to her own room, do so.

To gain perspective your DH could look after all of his children over the entire weekend. Is there anywhere you could go?

Bobcut · 24/04/2019 09:14

In regards to breastfeeding, mine wasn’t taking to bottle until she had no choice because three feeds were bottle, when it was 1-2 a day she would just wait out for breast so you probably have to introduce them dropping feeds and when there’s so many bottles less breast feeds and she is hungry she will eventually take to them

Flamingnora123 · 24/04/2019 09:20

I'm sure if it was your husband who was so exhausted he would be more than happy to pay for nursery. He's being really unreasonable and is not valuing you, your valiant efforts or your mental health. Tell him it's not negotiable. If he doesn't like it he can leave you and have the baby 50/50.

I nearly left my DH at the stage you're at now. He told me I couldn't take his children away from him, I told him I was more than happy to let him have them while I took 2 weeks to recuperate. Strangely he didn't take me up on the offer . It's all well and good throwing the 'rules' around, until you expect them to take some responsibility.

Apart from anything else your DD will love it and is highly likely to become less clingy and more independent, you might only need it for 6 months to help you all through this phase.

Flamingnora123 · 24/04/2019 09:21

If you can't leave him with your DD for a 24-48 hours on his own, just wake him up EVERY TIME you wake up and keep him awake until you can go back to sleep. Then tell him to crack on with his day.

astrologicalzoo · 24/04/2019 09:21

Put her down and stop pandering to her.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

Could not agree more. Let her cry for a bit. You can’t pour from an empty cup!

CaptSkippy · 24/04/2019 09:29

I'd say book a weekend away for yourself. Go to a hotel or, whataver you fancy, and leave the kids with your hushand. Then he will have to think about household duties, don't answer any calls or texts from him either during that time.

If that doesn't convince him about nursery, then I don't know what will.

BlindAssassin1 · 24/04/2019 09:37

This was me. I really wanted to return to work, anything, any job, but the exhaustion was too much. I wasn't even safe to drive, let alone function in employment.

It was marvelous when I finally got them into nursery. Even though I had to sort it, mostly pay for it (vaguely remember they might have got free hours....?), take them, drop them off etc, those precious few hours were just bloody lovely.

What would happen if you just did it, just booked the nursery and did it? Do you have access to money to pay for it?

There's a lot of these DPs that give it the David Cameron thing that 'We're all in it together'. But when the shit hits the fan, you realise you're on your own and suffering.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 24/04/2019 22:16

I find with my dh he naturally steps up after they are 1, I think some people just prefer toddlers to babies as they get more of a reaction back.

I see people make this excuse about men a lot and I think it's astonishingly shit. I have massively enjoyed DS more as he's got older and more interesting. However, I cared for him when he was a newborn, despite finding newborns quite boring, because it's not about what I find fun, it's about the NEEDS OF YOUR OWN BABY, for fuck's sake. You don't see many women just opting out of the first year because it's a bit boring. Men who only care for their children once they happen to find them more fun don't become good fathers when they're children turn 1, or 2, or 5, or whenever they suddenly like them. They're still selfish and shit, it's just now it's masked.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 24/04/2019 22:36

Hi OP

I was in your shoes and I cant believe you've stuck it out this long

I know different people have different views on sleep training. And yes it wakes the others up. But you might all feel better once it's done. You can put white noise in the others rooms or move them into a lounge for a sleepover or see if they can stay with grandparents a couple of nights.

We had to get a sleep consultant in it was so bad. They did the disappearing chair methis with us and worked great - for me it was a compromise between crying it out and methods that are really gentle and tale ages (they cry but you dont leave them alone). You might find your baby is much less cranky when they have had a proper sleep as well.

If you dont want to do it yourself then I'd pay the money you would have spent on nursery, towards a sleep trainer. You can find record.mendations on local parenting websites. If you book one make sure there is lots of follow up support after the initial consultation (ours did daily phone calls and also answered all texts asap) and ask what happens if it doesn't work

PM me if you want any more info

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 24/04/2019 22:36

Method

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 24/04/2019 22:37

Also cant your husband look after them all for more than half an hour at the weekend?

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