To only get 30 mins of time alone away from baby

[ToshMerino]

Dd is 1 and as much as I love her is completely horrific!. She is extremely clingy. Cries and whinges all day long. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her but she is just very very hard work.
The days are relentless and I don't get a moment to even think!
The nights are even worse! She wakes a million times - again out of habit and I haven't had a decent night's sleep for over a year- not had 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep. She wake from anything from 20mins to an hour!

Anyway im obviously exhausted, getting really down and my health is becoming affected. I've asked dh that I can't take anymore and I need respite. He knows how hard it is for me. I've cried from exhaustion and just feeling like I've lost my life. He says the right things and promises to help but it never really materialises so I've decided to help myself as I can't rely on him. So I've looked into putting baby into a nursery for a day a week. It would be the only time I'd be away from her for me to just get on with things / shower/ etc. However this money would need to come out from the mortgage overpayment which we've worked really hard to save up for but dh is saying that he doesn't want to spend the money on nusrsey and he would give me 30mins before bed for me to do what I want.

Aibu in thinking this is just a very poor effort to help me. I've told him I'm tired half an hour before bed? What can I do in that time? I just want to rest not do chores

I’d get an evening job.
Or at least a weekend job.

Change your attitude. She won’t need to demand you attention if you give it freely

And there speaks someone who doesn’t know what a clingy child is.

I say do it - your DH is not supporting you enough, and you are not going to make it another 2 years without a real break. I went back to work to get a break in similar circumstances, even though it barely paid after childcare.

If your DH offers to take DC out for 6 hours on a weekend day, I might reconsider, but what he is offering is basically nothing. Overpaying the mortgage is lovely, but optional. It is not worth sacrificing your wellbeing for.

Can you go back to work and find a cheaper child care option? Would a childminder be cheaper than nursery?

My daughter was just like yours and my sanity was saved by sleep training/night weaning and going back to work 3 days per week.

Sleep training and night weaning a baby that’s in your bed is pretty much impossible though. Can she be moved to her own room? Also, your husband will need to do most of the work. It took a couple of weeks of my husband going in when our daughter woke and offering her water before she stopped waking and expecting me and my boobs. The whole process was stressful and sad but 13 months of no sleep had left us with no option. She’s nearly 2 now and my husband still does 90% of the night shift (she only wakes now if she’s ill, thirsty, too hot/cold etc) - if I go in she goes crazy and wants to be held by me. If my husband goes in she usually goes back to sleep quite easily.

I totally sympathize with what you’re going through and 30 mins free time before bed is a bit of a piss take. Your mental and physical health is more important than your mortgage repayments.

I think your dh should take a week off work and be in sole charge of the children whilst you book yourself into an Airbnb or hotel with the do not disturb sign on the door.

I agree with this. It's not 'help', it's HIS CHILD. Why on earth should you have to keep asking him to do his share?

Change your attitude. She won’t need to demand you attention if you give it freely

Bollocks.

HOw can op get a job when she is so knackered? Don’t be daft. DH needs to do his bit at weekends as other posters have said, but that’s not happening either. You haven’t mentioned family, any grandparents around that could take DD for most of a day occasionally to give you a break? You’re going to have to ask as clearly they haven’t offered so far, so either you don’t have anyone else around, or they’re oblivious to how you’re feeling. Asking them might shame your DH into stepping up and helping you properly.

30m is rubbish. Family resources need to come out of the mortgage overpayments and into some relief for you; no point having a house if you're too knackered to have a life, is there?

My breastfed DD also wouldn't take milk, but I wanted my boobs back at about 13m, so she went a few weeks just having yoghourt, then she had milk with cereal, then she decided to drink milk and all well.

I can fully sympathise with you, my DC2 was exactly like this. People do not understand unless they have experienced a child like this. It obviously gets easier although my DD will be eight this year and is still the most highly strung of the four... I think it’s a personality thing.

Anyway, I would get a part time job if I were you. Even if it’s only one day a week, it still gets you out of the house and away from family life. Do it when your DH is at home so you don’t need to pay for childcare. Failing that, consider studying part time? You could do open uni so you could study from home in a quiet room in the evening whilst DH takes over... That way you will broaden your horizons and have the option of a better paid job than NMW. Some people struggle more than others being a SAHM, I really think it’s important to have some sort of life away from the home.

Your DH does need to do more, your DC have two parents not one.

What does he do at the weekend? Does the clingy baby mean he is basically in charge of the other children, or do you do it all? How much sympathy I have for him is massively dependent on whether he's spending his weekends and evenings wrangling two other young DC, putting them to bed, etc. or whether he's getting leisure time then.

Change your attitude. She won’t need to demand you attention if you give it freely

You are bloody joking aren't you? Ever been in this position? I have...soul destroying and no, no amount of attention works...and is utterly impossible when you are trying to run a home AND care for other children.

Your DH is lazy.
Not only would I pay for the nursery care, I would get a cleaner too! Stuff him!

What’s he doing on the weekends that he’s so busy? My youngest is 14 months and bf. I still manage to work full 12 hour days and I’ve had an overnight away (with my older dc). My dh does overnights and does some days (when he isn’t in nursery) while I work, 6am-7pm. He’s fed to sleep still but it’s still manageable for anyone with a bit of competence.

Hand him the baby on a Saturday and tell him you’ll be back in 4 hours. He’ll figure it out just like everyone else had to.

I did exactly this OP. Couldn't cope with ds and dp would be next to useless sir put him in for 1 day a week - looking back it saved me!!

Dont underestimate how much you need that break, I eventually built it up to 2 Days a week.

But just a thought as others have said your dp is the problem here and should be stepping up more, as thats not a quick fix would it be possible to put her in 2 mornings a week? that was I most places you would get 2 mornings 8-1 of uninterrupted time for yourself?

@ToshMerino I went back to work PT for the rest and mental stimulation. It's not about money at all, we hired a cleaner, gardener and a nanny and barely break even. But I haven't felt so good since DC was born. I get a break from the relentlessness of home life, I use my lunch break to do life admin in absolute peace, and I come home to a clean house and my laundry done (just like men do all the time! Except I appreciate it).

So heck yes put DC into childcare and get your sanity back. But I really recommend looking into some work as well, because I kind of agree with your DH that it is a shame to dip into the mortgage pot.

I also enjoy my time and days at home sooo much more now that life isn't Groundhog Day.

The baby will adapt so much better than you realise. Childcare workers are pros at getting toddlers to drink their milk, sleep peacefully, be happy to play by themselves. You will probably see your DC get a lot easier to manage if you break up your caring for her with other people.

That's my experience anyway.

And yes 30 minutes is a pathetic offer and shows that DH doesn't get what you are dealing with at all!!!

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix I could have written your post word for word - uncanny!

DH is out of the house from 6 till 6 and has a 4 hr commute in total so is knackered himself. He says he'll help out but it never materialises. He'll help out a bit more for a few days and it's back to normal again. I'm fed up of keep asking for help.

This is just a rubbish excuse frankly. He isn't "helping", its his own child. You are doing the 24 hr shift both with the child and the home to facilitate him.

Either he takes DD for one of the weekend days (one of you out of the house so that you can actually get a break) and does a bit of basic housework or she goes to the nursery. I suspect nursery will win.

30 minutes before bed time in the house where you can hear the racket is utterly, utterly useless and mind numbingly self centred

Lots of good advice here OP - except from barryfromclareisfit who is talking s@@te.

Re the milk issue. Our DS switched from formula milk to cows milk around a year old - then promptly started throwing up. GP and dietitian said he was lactose intolerant so we put him on soya milk. Which he hated unless it was on cereal but he'd never 'drink' the milk - big puddle left in the bowl. Soya yoghurts he hated. We did manage to get him on lactose free ice cream, cheese and 'butter'. Our GP and dietitian said don't worry about it, there's more calcium in leafy veg than dairy (or it's absorbed more) so we dropped offering him milk altogether for a year, gave him lactose free ice cream, hid lactose free 'butter', cheese and soya milk in his meals. So extra butter in mash with a sprinkle of grated cheese, a dollop of butter in sauces before they went on his plate, extra dollop on veg, lots of butter on toast, cheese sandwiches, cheese on bolognese, extra cheese on pizza, cheese on baked beans with butter underneath, we'd add beans or pulses to bolognese or stews as they contain calcium too etc. Luckily he'd always loved broccoli, peas, baked beans and would happily eat dried cereal which often has extra calcium in it as a supplement.

A year later we weaned him onto cows milk gradually on the GP's advice - just to test how his tolerance was doing. He was fine. BUT he still doesn't drink milk, doesn't like any ice cream now, occasionally eats a yoghurt, hates chocolate, hates cream. Won't touch the milk left in a cereal bowl. But he's as tall as me at 12 years old and is doing fine. His teeth have never needed a filling and apparently are 'perfect' according to the dentist.

Just look up calcium rich foods and choose those she's happy or safe to eat - add them to dishes like bolognese or pizza as toppings if you need to.

As for getting a break. Does your DH work at the weekend (I didn't read every message - sorry!) If not, can't he take her and the kids out for a morning or a day (preferably) whilst you put your feet up or do what you need to do? DH takes DS swimming every other weekend and has since he was little, then they go for a McDs for lunch. He also used to belong to a dad's group that did activities at the weekend for dads and kids only (to help dads bond with their kids). DH and DS loved it. Worth him checking if there's anything like that in the area and the soft play groups are his friend, remind him!

My second child had severe eczema for his entire first year of life and woke constantly during the night scratching, in pain, unable to settle. He never slept long then 45 minute cycle at night without some help. I was breastfeeding and in the same room as him, although not cosleeping. The loss of sleep hit me in ways I cannot explain. I think I actually went a bit crazy. Talking to myself, swearing a LOT, crying, forgetful, irrational... the list goes on. I did gentle sleep training with free advice from the children’s centre and also got to see dermatologist etc. He’s now 16 months and still isn’t the best sleeper. My husband works long hours and did very little to help. I didn’t want to put DS into a nursery/childminder for personal reasons, so felt quite desperate at times.
I guess what I’m trying to say is i would advise trying to find ways to improve the sleeping situation and the behaviour during the day. Hopefully by improving these issues, the nursery debate disappears.

Arrange to go out for the day on his next day off. Express milk for her and make sure there's enough. Leave him a note of her normal routine and any special things you do like give her her favourit toy to help her relax to sleep for henap etc.

Then go out. They won't die.

Not much experience with kids but I have done this...

DH is out of the house from 6 till 6 and has a 4 hr commute in total so is knackered himself

It really is possible to do this 5 days a week and still have energy for more than 30 mins of something else. In my case, studying for a degree which involved 2-3 hours of study per evening.

How about DH take a week's annual leave and he has total responsibility for the baby and house 6-6 each day? You get a week's respite and after he has walked in your shoes, then you both can sit down and decide what is reasonable and what to do about it.

I really can't recommend finding a job highly enough, even if it's just on a Saturday or an evening or 2 a week.
I work 3 days a week and my 1 and 3 year old go to nursery. It makes me a much happier and more patient parent. When I have one hanging off each leg at least I know I have a decent break from it coming up.

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix your experience is practically the same as mine. Work=rest and sanity.

And to the person who said to stop breastfeeding I don’t think this is going to help. Night weaning might be a good idea but the behaviour during the day is not related to breastfeeding. If anything, breastfeeding is probably a very useful tool for calming down a highly strung toddler. It instantly stops tantrums and provides a lot of comfort in my experience.

Mortgage overpayments are luxurious and optional.
If your mental health goes under the whole family will suffer.
You need a break and that is the end of it. Your DH's commute means he can't do much more in the week, even if he professes willingness and weekends its better for you all to be together and enjoy each other's company than on some split shift childcare scenario.
Put her in nursery/childminder 2 days per week and night wean. You might only need childcare for 6 months. Or maybe after a few months rest you can find a job.

@user1480880826 and @thenorthernluce a tale as old as time. Women going to work - so they can have a rest!! 😂 glad you found your sanity too. 🙌🏼