Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To only get 30 mins of time alone away from baby

125 replies

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:08

Dd is 1 and as much as I love her is completely horrific!. She is extremely clingy. Cries and whinges all day long. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her but she is just very very hard work.
The days are relentless and I don't get a moment to even think!
The nights are even worse! She wakes a million times - again out of habit and I haven't had a decent night's sleep for over a year- not had 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep. She wake from anything from 20mins to an hour!

Anyway im obviously exhausted, getting really down and my health is becoming affected. I've asked dh that I can't take anymore and I need respite. He knows how hard it is for me. I've cried from exhaustion and just feeling like I've lost my life. He says the right things and promises to help but it never really materialises so I've decided to help myself as I can't rely on him. So I've looked into putting baby into a nursery for a day a week. It would be the only time I'd be away from her for me to just get on with things / shower/ etc. However this money would need to come out from the mortgage overpayment which we've worked really hard to save up for but dh is saying that he doesn't want to spend the money on nusrsey and he would give me 30mins before bed for me to do what I want.

Aibu in thinking this is just a very poor effort to help me. I've told him I'm tired half an hour before bed? What can I do in that time? I just want to rest not do chores

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/04/2019 11:46

It looks like the only way is for your DH to start doing bed times and going to her in the night. Even if you have to kick him to wake him up.

Plus hand her over to him for at least a couple of hours during the weekend.

And move her to her own bedroom. Make a big fuss about it, choose things she likes for the room and for her bed, etc But move her and be firm about it.

I'm all for letting children get into bed with the parents, but not when neither can get any proper sleep.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/04/2019 11:46

30 minutes is not good enough! Go away for the weekend and leave her with him. Then tell him if he doesn’t want to use the money for nursery then it’ll be just him and dc one weekend out of three and 50/50 whilst he’s at home - including nights

Nursery would be good for her, it’ll help with the clingy ness too.

Try sleep training, I know a lot of people on here disagree with it but it worked for me. My dd wouldn’t only ever sleep for 90 mins at a time and it was like hell on earth.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/04/2019 11:47

I can't go back to work as I'm not really a high earner - just nmw type jobs so i would be out of pocket if I went back.

But if you're thinking of using a nursery when you're not at work you'll be even more out of pocket?

randomsabreuse · 23/04/2019 11:47

I think you need some "you" time - so baby needs to go to nursery/childminder. Ideally 2 short days close together. Good for both of you. If you see it as necessary for your mental health then it is a necessary cost which you could offset with work if available and you want it.

I definitely did not break even when I put DD in nursery but it made us all so much happier that it was worth every penny. I worked one of the days (nmw receptionist related to a hobby) and had the other for jobs. Going to have a similar arrangement with DC2 from about 6 months although as DD is in preschool 5 days we're going to have 1 afternoon of bonding time without DC2 and one morning for getting stuff done!

MaltbyMaeve · 23/04/2019 11:48

YANBU at all. I’m astonished that anyone thinks you are.

Maryann1975 · 23/04/2019 11:49

We only overpay the mortgage if there is nothing else more important that needs paying for. It isn’t the end of the world if we don’t make that payment each month. (Eg, it’s never made in December or August as the are other things to pay for). In your circumstances I think the over payment is not the biggest priority and if using childcare helps get you through this time, so be it. A non sleeping baby is really hard to deal with and if you need a break, you need a break. I also completely get what you mean about the mental load. Although he is getting better, if dh has the dc, he doesn’t think to do any laundry/shopping/household tasks unless I write a list for him (which I hate doing-he should be able to tell that the washing basket is full and know what to do with that situation).
So, I would go with a more sizeable chunk of ‘time off’ , half an hour before bed is a bit of a crap offer tbh.

Teddybear45 · 23/04/2019 11:51

Go back to work full time. He will have to step up to the plate then and you could afford childcare.

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:51

Yes I definitely need to kick her out of my bed. I need to be more firm.
If dh does a hell of a lot more during the week and weekends and on a consistent basis I really would think twice about nursery. But he always always slips back into his ways again. He knows this as well. He is trying to look for a job closer to home but I've been told him that I don't think that will help me much as I don't think he'll really help out.

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/04/2019 11:55

I think your dh should take a week off work and be in sole charge of the children whilst you book yourself into an Airbnb or hotel with the do not disturb sign on the door.

Or just go to bed in another part of the house whilst dh copes with the nights and days and you can rest up.

30 minutes is pathetic.

I didn’t get a break with dd or Ds, both clingy and needed to be supervised at all times but they both did sleep for about 4-5 hours each night.

I think without the sleep I wouldn’t have been able to cope.

You have the money so your dh will need to make a choice.

Take a day off work each week to look after the dc or nursery for the day for your 1 year old

cestlavielife · 23/04/2019 11:56

Killing yourselves with four hour commutes and overpaying mortgage rather than paying for a sanity break is pointless.

Leave baby and dc with him on Saturday and go out to local library or cafe for a break.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 23/04/2019 11:59

If you end up having a breakdown it will cost DH a lot more than a day a week in nursery fees! Tell him you are desperate and he needs to do more for his children.

Would you consider paying for a sleep consultant? I think you’d feel so much better if the baby slept. I expect to be flamed for this, but it may be time to stop breastfeeding and co sleeping in order to sleep train your DD. She doesn’t need night feeds if she is a year old. She will eventually drink cow’s milk if there is nothing else on offer but you will need to be determined!

barryfromclareisfit · 23/04/2019 11:59

Change your attitude. She won’t need to demand you attention if you give it freely.

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 12:00

cestlavielife the four hour commute is definitely a killer. Unfortunately he has to take this job as he was made redundant in his last job and he is looking for something closer.

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/04/2019 12:00

I can't go back to work as I'm not really a high earner - just nmw type jobs so i would be out of pocket if I went back.

You are NOT out of pocket. The baby is not yours alone.
You won't improve your earning potential by staying at home either.
If it helps your health and your sanity to work out of the home, then I think it's worth for the couple to loose some money by putting the baby in nursery.

prawnsword · 23/04/2019 12:01

I don’t have kids but presuming your DH gets a weekend. So why can’t your DH do full care of all children on either Saturday or Sunday, so you can catch up on some sleep ?

That way both of you get a sleep in day & he will be doing a full day of actually parenting the kids.

It sounds like his commute is too long, which should be looked at but you need a solution NOW. What good is overpaying a mortgage if you snap, end up in divorce & need to sell the house ? Because the way it stands, if he got the kids every 2nd weekend you would get more free time.

Sorry I can’t help with the sleep training but that may be something to look at. If she is in bed with you, why doesn’t he wake up when she grizzles in the night ?

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 12:01

Bluesmartiesarebest I want to give up breastfeeding but I'm worried as she won't drink any type of milk!

OP posts:

theonewiththecats · 23/04/2019 12:02

if you can afford to overpay the mortgage you aren't clearly that hard pressed for money and it sounds like paying for nursery instead of overpayments would be doable without much sacrifice.

why does your DH call the financial shots? Do you not have any say how your income is spend?

GemmeFatale · 23/04/2019 12:02

I’d get an evening job. He comes in, you go out. He deals with all the kids plus the evening meal which gives him the chance to walk the walk. You get a break from the house and the chance to earn. If you want to spend that extra on childcare to give yourself a break you can.

Lweji · 23/04/2019 12:03

The commute is 2 hours each way, right? Does it involve many changes? What's the longest leg? Or does he drive?
I've always commuted for a couple of hours each day and it's not that bad on public transport if you are able to sit. Certainly not as bad as dealing with a demanding and clingy baby.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/04/2019 12:03

LisaSimpsonsbff
Don’t think 1 or 2 days of nursery are going to leave the op destitute. This money will be taken out of over payments.

Ultimately op if you get on a better cycle you might be able to return to work and start earning otherwise you could end up having a nervous breakdown and be off work for years so financially it does make sense.

There are loads of videos on YouTube about getting children to sleep in their own beds and in a routine. But I think you need that break to be in the frame of mind to tackle the bedtime routine

theonewiththecats · 23/04/2019 12:04

have to say, I feel for both of you. Working full time and commuting 4h on top is hard. Does he drive or is it a straight bus/train trip where he can switch off a bit?

Original poster

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 12:04

What good is overpaying a mortgage if you snap, end up in divorce & need to sell the house ? Because the way it stands, if he got the kids every 2nd weekend you would get more free time.

prawnsword I have in anger said this!

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/04/2019 12:04

I'm worried as she won't drink any type of milk!

At 1 don't worry that much. Keep breastfeeding for a couple of times a day at the most and replace with cheese and yoghurts.
She should be on a full diet by now and milk won't be that important.

prawnsword · 23/04/2019 12:04

Oh to answer the question specifically - 30mins is a joke. It sounds like your DH doesn’t really understand the depths of your sleep deprivation.

Sorry if this is a silly Q but if your daughter won’t drink milk can’t she just drink water ? I think your sanity is more important. She can get calcium in other ways. She doesn’t need a night breastfeed any more than you need rest. A happy mum = a happy baby too

underneaththeash · 23/04/2019 12:05

If she's very clingy, she's not going to settle in a nursery for 1 day a week anyway.

Stop breastfeeding (she'll be fine for calcium if she's having yoghurt, cheese etc) and get her in her own room and you'll get some time back that way.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread