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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only get 30 mins of time alone away from baby

125 replies

ToshMerino · 23/04/2019 11:08

Dd is 1 and as much as I love her is completely horrific!. She is extremely clingy. Cries and whinges all day long. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her but she is just very very hard work.
The days are relentless and I don't get a moment to even think!
The nights are even worse! She wakes a million times - again out of habit and I haven't had a decent night's sleep for over a year- not had 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep. She wake from anything from 20mins to an hour!

Anyway im obviously exhausted, getting really down and my health is becoming affected. I've asked dh that I can't take anymore and I need respite. He knows how hard it is for me. I've cried from exhaustion and just feeling like I've lost my life. He says the right things and promises to help but it never really materialises so I've decided to help myself as I can't rely on him. So I've looked into putting baby into a nursery for a day a week. It would be the only time I'd be away from her for me to just get on with things / shower/ etc. However this money would need to come out from the mortgage overpayment which we've worked really hard to save up for but dh is saying that he doesn't want to spend the money on nusrsey and he would give me 30mins before bed for me to do what I want.

Aibu in thinking this is just a very poor effort to help me. I've told him I'm tired half an hour before bed? What can I do in that time? I just want to rest not do chores

OP posts:
Gratefulbeyond103 · 23/04/2019 13:18

Yanbu op. My ds was the same, absolutely clingy and a bad sleeper. We put him in nursery two days a week and it saved my sanity. My dh is extremely hands on so he was well aware of how difficult it was for me and therefore so supportive of nursery for ds.
30min is a joke.
If you are overpaying your mortgage then it won't make a huge difference to place your dd 1 day a week in nursery. Your dh doesnt value your role as a sahm.

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/04/2019 13:19

He says he'll help out but it never materialises

This is the trouble isn’t it? He sees his very minimal parenting as ‘helping’ you. So all the responsibility and hard work is yours and he’s very graciously doing you a favour. 30 minutes a day? Tell him to get stuffed. Put your baby in nursery and get a day to yourself. If he objects to the cost then tough. He has a choice. He either does his fair share or she goes to nursery.

Magnificentbeast · 23/04/2019 13:20

YANBU!
Your DD sounds a lot like my DD2. I so wanted to enjoy my second and last baby but it was almost impossible!

I ended up going to the GP because I was so down and exhausted. I was also prone to terrible mood swings and angry outbursts. She referred me to a 6 week CBD course with other women who were going through it. It was helpful but please don't let it get to that stage - if you aren't there already. On top of it all I felt ashamed that I wasn't coping and didn't tell anyone about the CBD for fear of judgement.

My DH is lovely but just did not get it. He was having a pretty stressful time himself at work. He wasn't around and as I was breastfeeding he didn't feel he could take over too much. However, I really wish now that I had insisted on some quiet time for myself. Please do this with your DP.

As a 'very clingy' baby I think, as a pp has already said, that she will struggle to settle as you would hope. I could be wrong, of course.

I couldn't and didn't do sleep training. Some people swear by it but, particularly with DD2, it wasn't an option. She would have broken me!

Like you, if I wanted time alone I had to leave the house to get it and it's not the same relaxing at home.

Your DH is really going to have to bend a little whether it's by paying for the nursery or by standing by his promise to give you time off. He really only has those two choices. You've adapted as much as possible to the new situation. Now it's his turn.

My DD2 is now 4 and although still quite a handful she has made steady progress towards being more manageable and just happier in herself. She even slept through in her own bed last night!

Magnificentbeast · 23/04/2019 13:22

Oh and if you can find a good CM - even better. Less expensive and a home environment. Contact your council for the Childcare list.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 23/04/2019 13:25

Forgive me as I’ve not rtft in depth but what would happen if you were to just put them into nursery two days a week (one won’t help and most nurseries need two minimum) and then bring him up to speed?

He really isn’t helping you at all practically and you’re suffering so something has to give. This is the most sensible way to get a guaranteed break and - if you want my honest opinion - sort out the fuss around bfing/cows milk and sleep.

Sounds like nursery would provide the routine that’s needed and that could be a blueprint to model home life on and just make everything a bit shit.

PicaK · 23/04/2019 13:26

Save your sanity. Seriously do it. He doesn't understand. Mon or Fri are usually less busy in nurseries. And don't clean and stuff. Time out for you. It's non negotiable.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 23/04/2019 13:32

I too have a clingy 1 year old who hates sleep.
I would do 2 days during school hours. Fuck the mortgage overpayment. That is NOT an essential expense.
One day for catching up on house shit and one day to to sod all.

Purpleartichoke · 23/04/2019 13:42

I had a super clingy, non-sleeping, hard to feed baby too. Now that dd is older, we are finding she may have some special needs. The baby and toddler years nearly broke me.

Find a way to carve out a break. Nursery once a week sounds perfect. That should be in addition to 30 minutes a day. If nothing else, your spouse should be getting you a daily shower where you don’t have to worry about the baby screaming s

SweetMarmalade · 23/04/2019 13:43

The commute must be exhausting but a clingy 1 year old and no sleep definitely top trumps this imo.

Your dp needs to take your dd out at the weekends, do you have family close by?

septembersunshine · 23/04/2019 13:45

Op, I feel for you. I was in a similar situation. No family close by, DH working 50 hours a week and most evenings and a very demanding ds who was terrible in the night. BUT, at 2 I put him in nursery 2 mornings a week. That's 6 hours a week to myself (I have 3 older children, school age). So you can imagine the joy. Oh...and tell your dh it is worth it. It really is. Maybe your dd doesn't have to do full days. Just two morning sessions to keep costs down. Our nursery is about £5.40 an hour so its a few hundred a term but not a huge dent into the family income. I don't thonk ours is a nursery but rather a playgroup that accepts children from 2. I think the key is to get your dh to have her all day, either Sat or Sun then at least you have a day/afternoon's break. With the night put her to bed at 7pm and get her up at 7am. Routine: dinner/bath/story/bed. Grobags are great. My ds was much better in his own room. Meet her needs but keep everything quite/dark. Let her have her tantrum if she is not ill and has a clean nappy. My ds was waking up because he wanted me to give him bottles of water (He hates milk...this was him at 2 with water. We bottle fed so he loved this bottle and the cuddle) and one night I took up a beaker. 3 hours of screaming but the next night he sleept through. He has not woken in the night since. I am a changed women. The brain fog has gone and its now just regular tiredness and not that kind of ghost tiredness you can get from severe sleep deprivation. I think if you can get your nights back you will feel SO much better. She will grow up op, and it won't always be like this xx

Damntheman · 23/04/2019 13:47

Wow OP yes do the nursery day! You need it for your sanity you poor thing, so much sympathy. DH needs to step up, he might be tired but you're bone tired from sleep deprivation. You're a team and he isn't pulling his weight.

I would also suggest moving baby out of your bed and into her own room. She shouldn't need a night feed at 1 and this means DH can do smoe of the night waking too - it might actually be easier if he does them all to start with so she won't smell milk on the person who comes to comfort her.

Good luck! Your sanity is important, put it first right now.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 23/04/2019 13:49

Also - possibly an unpopular opinion- but many a SAHM would ENVY your DH's commute. Four hours sitting with no one touching you - divine! If he's on a train then it's time, every day, to rest, read a book or the paper in peace. If he's driving then hours of music, podcasts, time with ones thoughts.

What wouldn't you give OP, for hours of peace guaranteed everyday?

Yes it's a long day, but your day is 24/7, and I'm sure it doesn't involve hours of sitting it peace.

Waveysnail · 23/04/2019 13:51

This is why I stopped bf. Left DC with husband and went and stayed with a friend over night. Amazingly broke the terrible wakings though never did take.much milk until older so just subbed with yogurt and cheese

TheTreeHearsYourSecret · 23/04/2019 14:09

DS2 had severe reflux and was attached to me in the day until he was 1. He was bottle fed by the time he was 4 months old because of the reflux and his feeding pattern.

He was on a prescription formula that tasted nothing like formula or cow's milk. When we stopped giving him that at 14 months he wouldn't drink any milk. So we just made sure he had his calcium intake with cheese and yoghurt, dry cereal which he loved, and salmon etc.

Also you don't know she won't take milk.

I have been a SAHM since I gave up work when Ds1 was 18 months old. Even then I put him into nursery for 1 day a week for my sanity.

Definitely try it, most people don't have the luxury of choice. I returned to work when Ds1 was 10 months old, so he had to go into a nursery.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 23/04/2019 14:15

Just seen my typo above, I meant it could make everything less shit

christ

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/04/2019 14:58

Also - possibly an unpopular opinion- but many a SAHM would ENVY your DH's commute. Four hours sitting with no one touching you - divine! If he's on a train then it's time, every day, to rest, read a book or the paper in peace. If he's driving then hours of music, podcasts, time with ones thoughts.

I think this is one of those 'grass is always greener' things. When I was on mat leave I thought wistfully about my two hours commuting every day - the peace! The quiet! Now I'm back at work I've remembered that it's tiring and boring to drive two hours every day, and I really resent it as time that I'm not working or doing anything else productive, but I'm also not with DS. I definitely remembered work as being more relaxing than it is when I was on mat leave, but I know I'm now getting a bit rose-tinted about mat leave!

blackteasplease · 23/04/2019 15:56

Yanbu. You should defo do it OP. I totally put up with this shit from exh when we had our first and lived with his restrictions on my getting any rest or time out.

And now we are divorced.

It could save your marriage to have this time to yourself.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/04/2019 16:05

This ‘helping’ phrase really makes my teeth itch.... your dh shouldn’t be ‘helping’ it’s HIS child, he should be fucking parenting!

You ‘help’ your elderly neighbour mow his lawn, you don’t ‘help’ your 1 year old child

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2019 16:06

Deadline him. His choice entirely. Either for the next, I don't know, six weeks, he steps up properly, makes an actual commitment, or you will be booking DC into nursery for a day. He steps up properly or HE HAS CHOSEN nursery by his actions.

Decide what you actually need and ask for it.

BTW I had a non-sleeping child and those people who think good boundaries magically solve that are completely wrong. I tried all the 'helpful' suggestions and they didn't work. Time did. She sleeps like a dream now and has for years.

Grumpos · 23/04/2019 16:07

OMG 30 minutes before bed time???? IS HE FOR REAL

Won’t go into advice for baby as many PP have and some good advice given.

I am on phased return to work and baby is going to nursery the odd day and he LOVES it. It has been brilliant for him.

I only wish I had let him have a day there whilst I was on maternity leave, it would have helped with my PND without a doubt. I found it incredibly hard to have a baby clinging to me 24/7 and I do have a very supportive baby.

I’m assuming the mortgage will be around for another decade or so? Pay the nursery and keep your sanity. Leave baby with daddy for a whole Saturday and Sunday and then ask him if he still views it as a waste of money. Personally I’d be doubting my relationship if my partner did not take this seriously, sleep deprivation is a precursor to a whole host of problems - including divorce.

Jimjamjong · 23/04/2019 16:08

Just take the car, drive somewhere peaceful and have a snooze, everyday for 30 minutes. It won't solve everything but it is a good start. You could perhaps get longer at the week-end.
She will grow up, you just have to survive those first years, lower your standards if possible. Also, breastfeeding is a great tool to get baby back to sleep, you could try night weaning but it is not mandatory, she is still young.

sillychilli · 23/04/2019 16:36

Definitely book dd in for a dh only weekend. Just say you’re getting your hair done then going shopping even if it’s once in the month. The ob

sillychilli · 23/04/2019 16:44

Sorry hit post too soon, the only way my dh understood was when I finally left my dd with him for a day

sillychilli · 23/04/2019 16:44

Ps agree with pp. for your own sanity forget the mortgage and get on with nursery.

tillytrotter1 · 23/04/2019 17:07

I'll probably get shouted at but here goes. The modern perceived wisdom seems to be that a baby needs constant holding, using a sling to hoover for heaven's sake! Is it any surprise that so many young children don't like to be put down? A self-created problem, put the baby down and get on with life, it'll come to no harm.