To think that this is a dreadful way to treat my son

[ThespianTendencies]

I am currently in rehearsals so my schedule is quite hectic as the show goes up this week. I left my son (12) with my niece (36) for the evening and was due to collect hm at 1030pm latest. When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight while my niece and her two sons had all gone up to bed. I think this is an appalling way to treat my son almost as if she was demonstrating how much they did not want him there. He was fine(ish) but I was disgusted. I regularly look after her two boys and never would I leave one of them downstairs while my children and me went up to bed! I texted her to say that it was not very nice and her response was "He's 12, what did you want me to do, sing him a lullabye.' I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

I regularly go to bed and leave me 13yo ds downstairs and he puts himself to bed. If I'm tired, why should I make him go to bed when he isn't tired? I think if you are involved in each other's lives/ regularly in each other's homes and she doesn't consider him a 'guest' but more as family then it's not that rude at all.

Ah you are getting your arse handed to you because some folk don't think you have a real job !

I presume he had something to do or to occupy him. He really wasn't sitting in semi-dark silence, was he? Context is all.

Are you absolutely sure that this is all about a twelve year old sitting and waiting for his mum to come home, in place he is regularly, with people he knows well and is perfectly safe with?

Because it really sounds more like the end of a shit rehearsal. One where all you want to do is go home, you can visualise exactly how it will be - and then it's different.

If you burn your boats over this, how easy is it to get alternative childcare for a 12 year old, at night, at weekends, for the duration of the run? They don't let kids scuttle around backstage anymore.

You will need to apologise for snapping - whether you mean it or not - to make sure you still have your childcare. But the chances are that she's used to your last week stress. So if you apologise, she's likely to accept it and you can get on with the show.

If you don't, however, well - doesn't look great to have 'yeah, was good, getting on a bit, heard she pulled out due to childcare issues just before technical on the last show'.

So we know about the 'lamplight' but did he have the TV on, was he gaming, on his phone or iPad/kindle?

And she was in bed but awake - hadn't actually gone to sleep.

@Pictish you aren't post police. So DFOD. I suspect she's a bore because it's unnecessary info that she's dropped into several posts. And I know theatre luvvies. They think they're A-listers the way some of them carry on.

I also think this is rude. I would never leave a guest and go to bed!

Ignore the arseholes OP, no way would I ever be doing this woman any favours in future, that’s appalling!

I think that your niece was discourteous. I’d leave dS at home when you’re performing in future OP (he’s just about old enough, and sounds sensible and independent) and I’d only babysit your 9yo great-niece in an emergency.

Tbh I think this is bang out of order op and can't believe the amount of people saying other wise. Of course its disgusting, that's an awful way to treat a child.

I sort of agree with sentiment of @MitziK......although your nieces attitude was very uncaring towards a 12 year old. Although I do think it depends how long he'd actually been waiting there on his own - 20 mins, hardly a big deal. But 2 hours or so would be pretty mean. I think her sarcastic response signifies she doesn't want to do his for you any longer for whatever reason. Try and make new plans OP and don't do her anymore favours either.

She probably wanted to watch Game of Thrones , not suitable for watching with a 12 year old!

goody

“I suspect she's a bore because it's unnecessary info that she's dropped into several posts.”

She has mentioned her job twice. Once in the OP where she refers to rehearsals and once in response to a direct question about it. So no...she hasn’t dropped it into several posts. You made that up too.

“And I know theatre luvvies.”

All of them? That’s a rather lofty claim. You clearly don’t know this one, otherwise you wouldn’t be inventing stuff to justify being rude to her.

She didn't just go to bed and leave him downstairs while she slept. She just went upstairs to watch TV. Yes she was in bed but it's not like she went to bed to sleep. OP why are you not answering the question about whether your DC was sat just staring sadly at the lamp or was actually occupied by his iPad/phone or whatever?

To all the posters saying THEY do this with THEIR child - that isnt the question that is being asked.

The question is - would you go to bed and leave someone downstairs (who is only 12) waiting for their lift?????? I suspect the answer is NO!

And if you said yes - what's to say that the 12 year old would just walk out of the house, not shut the front door properly, leave TV and lights on. HIGHLY likely.

So because as a general normal healthy adult with healthy insight on how to look after people and have good manners etc, and want to make sure their house is all locked up and safe for the night, they would sit down stairs with the person and wait.

FFS, the neice was upstairs in bed watching TV, why couldn't she just wait till 10.30 for that.

For what its worth OP, my MIL came to look after my DC whilst i was away overnight and left them on their own after going to bed at 9pm and then leaving them early in the morning as i was due home in the next 3 hours. Yes they were fine but that wasn't the point, the point was she was suppose to be caring for them.

You are definitely NBU

The fact my son commented on his evening is enough to let me know he felt uncomfortable there

That's all you need to know really. It's obvious that this childcare arrangement has ended on both sides hasn't it? No need to have a fight about it, just don't ask/offer/agree to any kind of childcare from now on in.

Ignore the people determined to make it your fault, I think some people really need to get laid.

I agree, it’s rude. You wouldn’t leave any other guest sitting alone downstairs while you went off to bed so unsure why it’s ok to do it to a child.

Well she was certainly letting you know she doesn’t want to look after him again. Maybe she was pissed off it was getting late?

It was really mean. I would not look after her kids now.

Don’t have a big fall out just put it down to experience. And if she asked you for child care - say no.

It’s really rude. My sister would have done something like this and we’re NC.

What's with the posters slaying me for referring to my job? If I'd said I was on a late shift at the hospital would they be berating me for mentioning I'm a nurse? It's a very spiteful and petty response. Should I pretend to do a different job? Sounds like jealousy or childish swipes at me. I don't understand.

She’s probably just treating your son how she treats her own dc.
You say you wouldn’t go to bed in your own home and leave son alone downstairs, it looks like she does.
Most kids that age are that immersed in gadgets that I’d be surprised he even noticed, they’d gone to bed.
I just think you have different ways of doing things, maybe her way is not for everyone, but I wouldn’t describe it as particularly bad either.

pictish. Thankyou. 😊. Should I avoid mentioning what I do for a living in case it causes offence? I'm not bigging it up at all. People are odd

She's rude, you know where you stand, don't ask her again. Don't look after or take hers on holiday again. She reaps what she sows.

I wouldn't go to bed and leave my 12 yo downstairs cos he's abuse the privilege and spend all night playing his guitar. It's just good parenting in my book.