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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

487 replies

MrsJenB · 21/04/2019 00:33

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

OP posts:
DustOffYourHighestHopes · 21/04/2019 07:23

Huge career break and went back to work after being a sahm. Without a previous record of 3-4 years working my bum off, it would have been v difficult to return.

She hadn’t had the life experience to understand the enormity of the decision. For every happy sahm there’s a divorced 30 year old, trapped in a low income job who’s high earner partner has effed off.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 21/04/2019 07:24

Argh spelling!

greenlloon · 21/04/2019 07:24

it might well be relatively easy for her to re-enter the workforce at the same level if she really is that junior. is this correct? im genuinely not sure

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 21/04/2019 07:24

And YY to those posters who found that good returner schemes require someone who has clocked up 5 years before they left.

Bgrt73 · 21/04/2019 07:26

There workforce has changed so much since you had kids and could be a sahm.

Your daughter is naive thinking she will be able to waltz into a job after many years of being a sahp. It will become very very difficult.

SaltSpoon · 21/04/2019 07:27

YANBU. What a waste of her education/life! Perhaps put it to her to imagine that she is raising a daughter. I imagine she would think about giving her child the best opportunities and have aspirations for their future. Now imagine they just dropped out to stay at home. How disappointing and what a terrible cycle - woman raises daughter who stays home to raise daughter who stays home to raise daughter, etc. Perhaps imagining her own daughter going on to waste everything might change her mind? I hope she sees snse, OP!

Redskyandrainbows67 · 21/04/2019 07:27

I’d have thought try and aim for her to have her kids in the next 5/6 years and then do a refresher uni course (aged 30 ish) then go into graduate roles etc. she’ll probsbly have a better career than building it up pre children and then have to step back because of them.
Are they married? This would concern me more if they weren’t.

Original poster
MrsJenB · 21/04/2019 07:28

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply. Sorry not to be able to reply individually but I've read every reply and taken it all on board. I agree with letting her make her own decisions and I've backed off now as of course supporting her whatever she does is my priority but also think it's fair to have some concerns and am glad some don't think I'm hypocritical having been a SAHM, it's not judging her choice just some worries about limiting her choices. Also Stoptheworldandmelt your husband is a lucky man :D and agree being happy is the main thing.

OP posts:
minababelina · 21/04/2019 07:29

Careers are obviously not just about the money. They add a dimension to your life that she will lose for now - in my view regrettably. but she could restart later.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 21/04/2019 07:30

Salt spoon - how offensive is your post?! You value work over raising a family. Staying at home isn’t a ‘waste’ or ‘dropping out’. It matters far more than slaving away all day for a strangers profits. Give your head a wobble. At the end of the day - when we die - all that matters and is left is our human ties.

Jaggypinecone · 21/04/2019 07:31

I’ve not read all the comments, I got to page 2 and was thoroughly depressed. Shows that females are still judged a lesser person if they are not ‘doing it all’. That there is such a pessimistic outlook on married life that we have to futureproof everything.
My little sis had her kids by 24. She reared them to high school, then went to uni, got her degree and now has her career. She did her child rearing when young, fit and able.
I gave up my career to be a SAHM. I don’t regret it for a second because that’s was what was best for my kids and my family. And I don’t intend going back now they are older. If my marriage went tits up or DH was made redundant and I needed to work I’d go back to work doing anything, coz all jobs have a value. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to worry, stress or work myself into an early grave ticking all of life’s boxes and juggling all those balls to appease the judgements of others.

Bumpitybumper · 21/04/2019 07:31

@greenlloon
Yes it is true depending on the industry she works in and the position she currently holds. This certainly won't be true in all industries though.

@DustOffYourHighestHopes
This is because returnships are aimed at professionals who are looking to restart their careers at the relatively senior level that they were in before taking the career break. If OP's DD is "very junior" then she would be essentially seeking a promotion through having a career break and then joining a returnship programme which obviously isn't realistic.

NoAngel1 · 21/04/2019 07:33

It would be far easier if she could see into the future, wouldn’t it?! There are many what if scenarios and for lots of these the outcome would be preferable if she hadn’t stopped working.
I don’t know anyone that gave up work who was then able to easily rejoin their career after having their children. Some are trying but are too out of date and need to do some sort of retraining.
I personally just went back to work and used help from DM and DMIL and nursery and now that my oldest is at school I am very glad I did as I can see that I would miss work.

speakout · 21/04/2019 07:33

I would be delighted.

The best things in my life have come since I became a SAHM, opportunities and doors have opened wide.
My children have seen how life can be lived without the 9 to 5.

harrypotterfan1604 · 21/04/2019 07:38

I really wish I was able to be a SAHM :( I am in the middle of my degree (mature student) and have to go back to it when my dd is only 6 months old and it’s breaking my heart. It’s not the kind of degree where I’ll spend a lot of time at home either because I have placements to do.
I could go back later but then I qualify later and I need to qualify ASAP because we are struggling financially with me being a student. I will have to work once I qualify but it’s likely I’ll work part time but by then my dd will be 18 months old so I feel very much like I’m missing out a little.
It’s her decision, she has her qualifications should she wish to change her mind.

Kpo58 · 21/04/2019 07:38

She may find that being a SAHM isn't good for her mental health. I can think of nothing worse that working 24/7 until the youngest is at secondary school or college without a break. It's so draining, isolating and you loose any identify that you have had.

SaltSpoon · 21/04/2019 07:40

@Redskyandrainbows67 Yes, I do really value work, education, a career. It would be a terrible waste to drop out.

Mummadeeze · 21/04/2019 07:41

I would be hugely disappointed if I were in your shoes. More so than you. As a career person, i want so much for my DD to be successful and fulfilled in a career. Self sufficient and financially independent. I would much prefer her to wait to have children until all this is in place. But I suppose that is because these are the life choices I made and the ones I can’t imagine not making. I do agree with people who have said you need to be as supportive as possible however and try not to show your disappointment. She will be able to retrain later if she decides to. And it will be nice for you to be a young Grandma. I just hope her husband is one of those good ones for her sake as she is putting all her eggs in one basket.

JocelynBell1 · 21/04/2019 07:42

I would also be worried if one of my children effectively cancelled out of building their own career and income stream, leaving them exposed to being left high and dry in middle age. I've seen it happen far too often.

I agree. I think she would be extremely foolish. It is an enormous risk to take as she doesn't have anything to fall back on.

speakout · 21/04/2019 07:43

Kpo58

She may find that working full time with small children isn't good for her mental health either.

It's so draining, isolating and you loose any identify that you have had.

I am sorry that was your experience of being a SAHM. Mine could not have been different. It has been amazing, liberating, I have met so many wonderful women, adjusted my view of raising children, given me time to start a business, exercise, re train, become involved politically, doors have opened, vey far from the experience you describe.

Hazlenutpie · 21/04/2019 07:43

It’s not your decision.

user1487194234 · 21/04/2019 07:45

I would be gutted if this was my DD
But you have to let her make her own decision
Mine have been brought up to believe firmly in equality

stressedoutpa · 21/04/2019 07:45

You've told her your concerns. Now you have to back off and let her get on with it.

My Mum goes on and on about things and frankly I avoid her a bit because she is a total PITA. Don't become my Mum.

3in4years · 21/04/2019 07:47

She would definitely be wise to keep her options open. I didn't find the baby bit isolating at all. I made loads of friends. Mine are 5, 3 and 1, and I return to work next week after a very long mat leave. I have loved looking after the kids, but you never know what's around the corner and I'd hate to be so dependent on my dh.

OhTheRoses · 21/04/2019 07:49

One of the worst threads I've ever read.

Assuming you love your daughter how about supporting her and having confidence in her. Then if it goes tits up it's ten times easier for her to ask for help or leave what could become a bad relationship.

She's young, she's met the one, she has her whole life ahead of her. All I ever wanted was to be a mummy but I didn't meet the one until I was 30. Had my last child at 38 after five years of crippling fertility issues, despite the 14 year sparkling career. And I still gave up work and adored being a sahm for the 7 years I was (ds at 35). Had no idea I'd get bored when dd started school.

I went back to work at 43, at the v bottom, did prof quals and am now a director. Equality facilitated it - the fact there is no longer a statutory retirement age and that women can work beyond 60.

Have faith in her op - she may surprise you yet.