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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

487 replies

MrsJenB · 21/04/2019 00:33

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

OP posts:
Catchingbentcoppers · 21/04/2019 07:49

Well, much as I would probably feel as you do, I also feel that you have no option but to support her choices. I did so many things and made decisions that I know my parents did not agree with, but I remember having a conversation with my mum years later about it. She said they'd taken the decision to support me because they knew I would do what the hell I liked anyway (I was an adult) and didn't want to push me away. They took the option to support me and help me pick up the pieces if it ever went wrong, which it did a couple of times!

It sounds like she's made up her mind, I'm not sure there's much you can do.

Dieu · 21/04/2019 07:49

I would encourage her to keep her hand in at work. The fact they're married will give her some protection, but if I had my time again, I would never be financially dependent on any man (yep, even my husband/father of my children) and I encourage my daughters to think the same. Nobody knows what the future holds.

speakout · 21/04/2019 07:50

I am surprised at al the negativity on this thread.

Life does not go in straight lines.

I was widowed at 23, had a great career, ditched my job in my 30s *with 15 years experience ) to become a SAHM. Never did go back.
Instead I have found my amazing life path.

Life is to short for blinkers.

spagbowlexplosion · 21/04/2019 07:50

She will know what’s right for her once baby is born. I wanted to be a SAHM but went back to work when my first was 7 months old because I wasn’t fulfilled enough just being ‘x’s mum’ and my brain turned to mush. But if she enjoys it and continues that then it’s up to her - she could be worse things than a SAHM!
She should be warned though that she will most likely end up like lots of very capable woman years down the line, doing jobs they are way too overqualified for. DDs TA is a fully qualified lawyer.

tomatosalt · 21/04/2019 07:51

OP what do you think of your son in law? Do you have any concerns about how he might treat her once she’s a SAHP?

What really jumped out at me was how he seems to be devaluing her job because it isn’t as well paid as his. I would be very nervous about her becoming dependent on him in case he also did not value her role at home because it is unpaid. As hard as it can be both working and caring for children I do think it can promote equality in a relationship and encourage both parents to be active in their children’s lives.

speakout · 21/04/2019 07:54

My four closest friends have all had extended time as SAHM.
All ditched their careers and found new directions.

I admire women who are brave.

Youngandfree · 21/04/2019 07:55

I think In this day and age it does really matter she can always decide to go back after a few years if she needs or wants too. I can understand your concerns but only they will figure out how to make it work for them.the best thing you can do is be there’s for her when she needs you....because you know she will.

QuickQuestion2019 · 21/04/2019 07:56

You're right. It's a godawful idea. She's leaving herself very vulnerable.

JasperSIn · 21/04/2019 07:57

I would encourage her to keep her hand in at work. The fact they're married will give her some protection, but if I had my time again, I would never be financially dependent on any man (yep, even my husband/father of my children) and I encourage my daughters to think the same. Nobody knows what the future holds

I was coming on here to post exactly the same thing.

Catchingbentcoppers · 21/04/2019 07:58

She may find that being a SAHM isn't good for her mental health. I can think of nothing worse that working 24/7 until the youngest is at secondary school or college without a break. It's so draining, isolating and you loose any identify that you have had.

She may indeed. Or she may find the opposite. My experiences of being a SAHM were completely different and although it was hard, obviously, I loved it. I felt a million times better physically, emotionally and mentally and I feel that both I and my DCs got so much more out of it than if I had been at work. Whereas now, the opposite is true, I love being back at work and went back at the right time for us.

However, those are my experiences and everyones are different. My closest friend went back after 3 months as she hated being at home; everyone should do what suits them and their family situation best.

Yura · 21/04/2019 07:58

I do agree with you. i know way to many mid/early 40s women with PhDs or good degrees who stack shelves at the supermarket after having 10plus years off as SAHM.
Maybe encourage her to volunteer in a related sector if she has her heart set on giving up work? it really helps to stay somewhat connected

speakout · 21/04/2019 08:01

I doubt I will ever be employed again,.

I jacked in my job 20 years ago to become a SAHM. I am loving my life.

Phineyj · 21/04/2019 08:02

Well, something is setting off your Spidey senses and I would hazard a guess it's your SIL's personality and attitude. Back off, keep the door open with DD and start a savings account for her just in case. If she changes her mind things do go wrong in her relationship you will be crucial e.g. childcare while she attends interviews.

speakout · 21/04/2019 08:03

i know way to many mid/early 40s women with PhDs or good degrees who stack shelves at the supermarket after having 10plus years off as SAHM.

Wow- you know so many women with PhDs that stack shelves.
We must move in different worlds.

HBStowe · 21/04/2019 08:03

I think it slightly sounds like you ‘want better’ for her than being a SAHM because you see her as having potential. But being a SAHM is a completely valid choice and one made by lots of women who would equally have been successful in the workplace.

There is an inherent vulnerability in giving up work to raise children, so if you have concerns about whether your SIL will be fair and decent, I do see why you are concerned. But assuming he’s a good man, and that he and your DIL have discussed this and come to an agreement that works for them, I think you just need to let them get on with it. If she hates it she can always return to work. It will be harder after a career break but certainly not impossible.

JocelynBell1 · 21/04/2019 08:05

our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high

Unfortunately, the stats are high that her relationship will end.

Are they planning on marrying? At least if she is married, she will receive some form of financial settlement and would be less likely to end up in poverty if the relationship ends.

Phineyj · 21/04/2019 08:07

tomatosalt said it better than me. It's about valuing contributions. I have a (formerly) high earning businessman DDad and an artist DM. I get riled when he refers to what she does in hobby terms. She's a very accomplished artist! Also gave up a successful design business when she had us. He supported all of us but the mental load and day to day logistics were all on her. I don't think she has regrets but she's been pleased I've taken a different path, I think.

IceRebel · 21/04/2019 08:09

@OutOntheTilez

My dad always taught me to never be financially dependent on someone else

I think this is very sensible advice. You never know what the future may bring, but nothing bad ever came from having your own financial independence.

Sure you may never need to use that money. But it's a damn sight better to have it and never use it, than needing it, and it not being there.

ivykaty44 · 21/04/2019 08:09

Not sure hypocrite is how I would put it, you have been a role model for your dd

JocelynBell1 · 21/04/2019 08:10

Scrap the above. I see that they are married. At least, she has some fallback.

ivykaty44 · 21/04/2019 08:12

Relationship ending isn’t the only way his income could stop

speakout · 21/04/2019 08:12

I have a (formerly) high earning businessman DDad and an artist DM. I get riled when he refers to what she does in hobby terms.

A "high earning businessman". I understand that from a financial perspective but many people are working to make and marekt shit that no one needs- wher is the value in that? And so you get promoted to manager and enjoy "status" it's all just mostly rubbish,

poppymatilda · 21/04/2019 08:13

I'm never comfortable with the readiness with which women give up a career and therefore any financial independence. Your daughter is in a worse position because she hasn't really had time to get a career off the ground. I agree with your concern. If the marriage fails then what will she do. Also what will she do once the kids are grown up? By becoming a parent so young the kids will be grown up and flown the nest by the time she's early 40s.

Another thing is that it's easy to say you fancy being a SAHM when you're pregnant. Once she's actually got the baby and the reality of being the sole carer day in day out hits home and she might feel differently. I am on mat leave with a 5 month old and whilst I'm grateful for the opportunity to spend her early months with her it is very monotonous being at home with a young baby everyday and not something I'd want to continue indefinitely

dimsum123 · 21/04/2019 08:15

I would 100% be discouraging her to have kids and encouraging her to pursue a career, high earning or not. Including going as far as showing her MN threads where wives have been left high and dry after being SAHM and DH has run off with OW.

She's young and naive. The real world is not what she thinks it is.

dimsum123 · 21/04/2019 08:18

many people are working to make and market shit that no one needs- where is the value in that? And so you get promoted to manager and enjoy "status" it's all just mostly rubbish,

^^^ X 1000000.

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