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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

487 replies

MrsJenB · 21/04/2019 00:33

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

OP posts:
Mememeplease · 21/04/2019 04:43

I would encourage her to insist that money is paid into a pension for her. And I would point out the pitfalls of what happens if they split up latest on - the losing confidence over time in the work place etc. Keeping a foot in the door by working one day per week or occasional bank work fire example is a good idea if it's possible. If not when they are tiny, certainly when they are a bit older.
From experience I can confirm that I lost confidence after being at home for 15 years and now I earn peanuts. My existence and degree are meaningless after all that time. Employers want youth and up to date experience. I would have been really screwed if we had split up. Fortunately its worked out for me and I've been lucky, but I will certainly be telling my dd a cautionary tale.

But having said that

she will still be young enough to retrain if she wants to when the kids are much older. And she's lucky to be in the position of choosing to be able to stay at home.
She's right in that you seem to be focusing on the waste of her opportunities, which is slightly hypocritical. You've not really mentioned the more salient points of how up shit creek she'd be if they split up.

Mememeplease · 21/04/2019 04:47

Not my existence is meaningless. Shock Grin experience I mean.

Sorry for the other typos too. Middle of nightitus

SerenDippitty · 21/04/2019 04:56

I understand your concerns OP. I would.not underestimate the difficulties of getting back into the workplace after a long time out. Things move on so quickly and skills very quickly become outdated. And she won’t have any experience just a gap on her CV. I’d also be concerned about her DH actually wanting her to give up her job.

AlexaShutUp · 21/04/2019 04:57

Education is valuable in itself, it isn't wasted just because she's not climbing the corporate ladder.

I completely agree with this. Education is valuable for its own sake, not just in terms of employability. It has value for the individual. Outcomes are also better for children when the parents are well educated.

My only plea is that educated, intelligent women who choose to stay at home with their children should have a plan for how they are going to use their talents when their children grow up and leave. I would not want anyone else to experience the emptiness and loss of purpose or the sense of wasted potential that my mother has had to live with for the last few decades. I don't care if you work or stay at home, but at least have a plan for your own life that doesn't just revolve around your children. They will thank you for it in the long term!

Aria999 · 21/04/2019 05:02

at least have a plan for your own life that doesn't just revolve around your children.

This is good advice.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 21/04/2019 05:28

I would always discourage giving up work completely to be st home.

It takes away choices.

OutOntheTilez · 21/04/2019 05:47

. . . but at least have a plan for your own life that doesn't just revolve around your children. They will thank you for it in the long term!

I completely agree with this statement. My mom was a stay-at-home mom for 20 years and then went back to work when my youngest sister was 10. Mom started as a file clerk, when everything was still paper and a few years before it became normal to have a computer on everyone’s desk. She worked her way up in the company and eventually became manager of her own department. She saved her money but also used some of it to travel. She worked for almost 20 years and she's now retired.

I am extremely proud of my mom, and I would absolutely hate to think that having us held her back in any way.

Bumpitybumper · 21/04/2019 05:53

@SerenDippitty
I would.not underestimate the difficulties of getting back into the workplace after a long time out. Things move on so quickly and skills very quickly become outdated. And she won’t have any experience just a gap on her CV
The thing is OP's DD is in a "very junior" position with extremely limited experience, not a woman in her 30s that's developed a wide array of professional skills and a formidable CV. This could actually be a good thing as she might have less to lose and it might well be relatively easy for her to re-enter the workforce at the same level if she really is that junior. In many ways a career break can be more risky for established career women that hope to return to work to senior positions.

Teddybear45 · 21/04/2019 05:56

What is her industry? In some now (eg banking or consultanting) if she has less than 5 years experience she will find it impossible to go back after kids and might then need to take a much lower value job if and when the time comes.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2019 05:57

I also don’t think your dds degree is wasted. Education never is. She will probably live to 90. That’s a lot of years post baby or 3 to find employment if he needs / chooses to. I get it’s harder to do these things once you’ve been out of the work environment for so long. However this is a risk your dd wishes to take. I know she cannot yet fully understand what that means. Neither can she fully understand what motherhood entails until she has her own child.

You’ve said your piece. Now you need to accept her choices as an adult. Your dd may yet decide to go back to work if she doesn’t enjoy full time motherhood. Or she and her child(ren) may positively thrive.

Teddybear45 · 21/04/2019 05:58

@bumpity - not true. Junior positions in some industries will always be given to recent grads. So she might find herself without anything. Even a lot of return to work schemes aimed at mums who left work to raise kids require a minimum of 5 years experience in some industries.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2019 05:58

Contentious subject, but I also agree with you op and would be worried if my daughter did this.

She will have hardly paid into her pension, will have limited work experience to fall back on so getting a decent earning job in the future will be hard, and her life may go swimmingly, but it could also sadly go wrong, she could split from her husband, or he could get incapacitated in some way etc.

Or he could be someone who ends up cheating, or ignoring her, and she ends up trapped because she can't afford to move out and support herself, even if she'd dearly love to.

So yes she may be doing what works now, and may even work for the next few years, but there is no doubt, it could be something that causes her a lot of pain and problems a few years down the line. Hopefully not, but I do understand your concern.

Petalflowers · 21/04/2019 06:21

I’ve got a degree and was a SAHM. Loved it. Wouldn’t have had it any other way. Went back to work part-time were youngest dc was at school. Oldest dc has now left home. Am I bothered about not having a high flying career - no!

I get where you are coming from, but i didn’t have kids for someone else to raise them. I get that not everyone can afford to stay at home full time, and we made compromises (no fancy holidays, cheap car etc), but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

WhoAteMyNuts · 21/04/2019 06:32

You only have to read on here the number of women that cannot leave a bad relationship purely because they don't work and have no access to their own funds. My own DF tried several times to make my DM fully dependent on him before he left her when they were in their 50s. It can happen at any age and she was very grateful that she still had a job when they separated because he simply left and didn't pay any bills and in hindsight she saw how he was trying to put her in a precarious position as it's all about control.

I have never wanted be financially reliant on anyone else as you remove so many choices. However, it is her life and she will have to make her own choices and mistakes.

Margot33 · 21/04/2019 06:46

Let her have her first baby and see how she feels. I'm sure she will soon change her mind about having 3/4 children!

Bumpitybumper · 21/04/2019 06:48

@Teddybear45
Junior positions in some industries will always be given to recent grads. So she might find herself without anything. Even a lot of return to work schemes aimed at mums who left work to raise kids require a minimum of 5 years experience in some industries
Yes, what you write is correct for some industries, but others are more receptive to different kinds of candidates, especially if they are willing to do some degree of retraining and acquire up to date experience before applying. As we have no idea what industry OP's DD actually works in, we don't know their attitude towards more mature applicants to junior positions. I don't see why the assumption should be that all is lost and she will be locked out of her industry forever.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 21/04/2019 06:55

One the bright side you must have presented a positive model of what being a SAHM involves. My mum was a SAHM and seeing how trapped and sad she was made me determined to always be financially independent (just as well as I was widowed at 35)

SinkGirl · 21/04/2019 07:02

I’d be more concerned about her marriage ending and where that would leave her (we all know that sadly this is a good possibility statistically). She needs to plan for this possibility.

Teddybear45 · 21/04/2019 07:05

@Bumpitybumper - name one industry where a recent grad with 2 years (if that!) experience can realistically return to work after 10-15years? This doesn’t happen in medicine / pharmacy / law / accountancy / banking. It doesn’t even happen in admin professions!

UniversalAunt · 21/04/2019 07:08

She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference?

I would be saying...great, you are now 29 yo with over five years of work experience, making good use of your degree, acquired some professional skills & qualifications, with a proven track record, a network of contacts, a set of referees & you have saved some money of your own.

UniversalAunt · 21/04/2019 07:10

Not to mention maternity leave... & a reasonable chance of returning to work at the same level.

UniversalAunt · 21/04/2019 07:11

As we all know, second & subsequent babies do not always turn up to plan, so it is always worth having plan B - Z in the back pocket.

WhiteDust · 21/04/2019 07:16

Alexashutup
Well I guess you are right to say there are many variables.

My 'limited' social circle is made up of hundreds women who work in the UK public sector - NHS and schools. I meet very few people day to day in the private sector.

Maybe a nice job in an office environment would be a different matter. Easier to manage.

We go by the experience of those and the many people working around us.

Teateaandmoretea · 21/04/2019 07:22

I wouldn't be happy either, but ultimately its her life and you can't interfere and she may have a wonderfully happy life. She needs to hold money in her name for sure and make sure dh has life insurance, however.

I must admit all the 'you can't have it all' stuff sets my teeth on edge. Does anyone ever say this to men? There is truth in it, sure, but for both partners to maintain careers it applies to both not just the woman.

UniversalAunt · 21/04/2019 07:23

’Junior positions in some industries will always be given to recent grads. So she might find herself without anything. Even a lot of return to work schemes aimed at mums who left work to raise kids require a minimum of 5 years experience in some industries.’

This.
Often.

Also, OP’s SIL cannot be guaranteed high income throughout his working life. Stuff happens.