In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

NewAccount
I have !!
It is usually ignored .

Sorry, I thought I'd read the whole thread but obviously missed it!

I do find it bizarre how many women think that the working pattern of the family is entirely their decision to make. We did shared parental leave and I got a lot of 'ooh, I wouldn't have let mine do that' from women - I thought it was so strange that they not only thought that but thought it was fine to cheerfully admit that if their partners had wanted a period at home with their baby they wouldn't have allowed it because it was 'theirs'.

Wow I’m jealous. I’m having to go back to work soon (DS will be 8 months) and I’m heartbroken. I’m 26, DH is 30 and unfortunately I was the higher earner before Mat leave. I’m going back part time but I’d much rather not! We’ve agreed that we’ll only consider having a second child if/when we can afford for me not to work.

NewAccount, I agree. I think the default position should be that both partners work and contribute financially while sharing childcare and housework equally. Any deviation from that approach should be by negotiation and mutual agreement.

New
SPL didnt exist when I had mine but when DH looked after them on the days I worked I got similar comments including "how do you trust him?"
He loved his days with the DC as much as I did.
I also loved coming home to chores done and dinner on

I think there's a lot to be said for having kids early, then starting a career later. No need to take a career break, no pausing for maternity leave. It's certainly an option.

Do you regret your own choice to be a SAHM? That's what it sounds like as I read this.

Mollys
I had my 3 close together and had 3 full years off on ML-it was great
Part of it paid .
I also kept hold of my salary/leave entitlement and pension .

I think the best advice would be for her not to quit the job, rather take mat leave and see how she copes with motherhood first.

The SAHM life really isn’t for everyone at all, I know I can’t cope with it and as much as I love my DS, I’m excited to return to work in September . She needs to take it one step at a time and see how she actually finds being at home every day with a baby first. I agree, it’s isolating and quite suffocating actually but some people enjoy it so who knows which side she will be on.

She is educated and young so could probably jump back into her career with little issue if she decides it isn’t for her.

@Sockworkshop Good? 😆 I wasn't saying SAHM is the only option, just that it's a viable option if you want to do it - as the OP's DD does.

I don’t generally think it’s a good idea to get married or have kids so young without having experience of independent life. More than half of young marriages fail and if you take a lot of time out of work to have kids, chances are you won’t be able to get back into a career later without retraining. It could leave your daughter quite vulnerable and also I would have concerns as to where this mindset came from.

I wouldn’t want my daughters to make those choices but I don’t think there is much you can do about it.

Also a bit of a warning sign that her dh isn’t 100% on board.

If she knows she wants to be a full time stay at home mum while her children are little then I think that’s great that she is happy to give them her all. Then, when they’re a little older she can start her career.

If this were necessarily the case, the situation here wouldn't be nearly so risky. The problem is that if she wants or needs to work later, it's not going to be easy getting a career established effectively from scratch with the several children they say they want. They are putting a lot of eggs in one basket very early in adulthood.

“ I think the default position should be that both partners work and contribute financially while sharing childcare and housework equally”

Alexa, well that’s the official MN line that gets pushed on here ad infinitum. But some couples just don’t fit into that neat box and frankly, they’re just not interested, in which case there can’t really be any “should” about it.

Why did you cut off the second part of her post where she said that other arrangements are fine by mutual negotiation and agreement, Paloma?

But some couples just don’t fit into that neat box and frankly, they’re just not interested, in which case there can’t really be any “should” about it.

Then presumably, those couples will negotiate and mutually agree a suitable alternative, exactly as I suggested.

Perhaps you missed my point?

Op she has watched you be a sahm Maybe she wants the same for her family?

@NewAccount270219 we did SPL and most of the weird reactions have been from the men in my industry / workplace (they turn pale imagining the career impact...). But I've also had women ask questions about why we did it (there must have been some reason I was "forced" to go back to work "early" )
It's been brilliant for all of us and I'm now up for promotion as well. It certainly helped to share the time off.

No I completely accept your point Alexa, I just don’t think you can assume anything to be “default” in the first place. Or that people should necessarily be striving for a prescribed relationship model.

I think that “default” as you describe it only really works if you are a couple who earn roughly comparable salaries and work defined hours.

If your DH earns over breakfast what you earn in a year, then your default is obviously different. Different context for decisions.

Or if your DH is away in the forces or for some other reason for months a year, then your default may be different.

Or if you’re from another cultural background your default may be different.

Si yes, people will work out what suits them, but everyone is coming from such unique circumstances to begin with and people don’t always assume equality means doing everything 50/50 and that this should, by default, be the “gold standard” either.

I’m with you OP. Sorry, haven’t got time to read all 19 pages of the thread but YANBU.

@MrsJenB

You say you're not quite sure why you're questioning it, but I think this bit from your original post says a lot:

him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money.

It seems to me as if your unease is not so much linked to your DD's age, but is more about your son-in-law's attitude and what sort of impact that attitude will have on your DD's experience as a SAHM.

I'd be uneasy about that too.

Do you think your daughter would be determined enough to adjust the balance if she decided she wanted to go back to her job post children?

In theory I don’t think it is the wrong thing to do if SIL would help facilitate her return to work further down the line. My Mum became SAHM after only a couple of years working having had a really good education and being well qualified. She then retrained when we were all teenagers and subsequently is still enjoying her second career now whilst my Dad is languishing in retirement.

Pa1oma, I think you have misunderstood me. By "default", I do not mean a gold standard towards which everyone should be striving. Frankly, I don't really care how couples choose to organise the workload between themselves, as long as the arrangement works for both parties.

My point was merely that, regardless of gender, nobody has an inherent right either to stay at home with their kids or to prioritise their career. These discussions are often framed in terms of choices for women, but I believe that men should have the same choices, and that the fairest starting point for any negotiation should be that both adults share an equal responsibility to earn money, do housework and look after any children.

If two people choose to split the balance of that work differently, for whatever reason - personal preference, differences in earning potential, religious or cultural belief etc - then that's absolutely fine, as long as they are both happy with the arrangement.

What I don't find acceptable is the assumption that the woman will have primary responsibility for the kids and/or the housework, or indeed the assumption that the man should support the family financially. Sadly, I know many men and women who are deeply unhappy with the way in which these roles are split in their households, and I think these assumptions are largely to blame.

I should add that it isn't just about gender, either. I earn about five times what my DH earns. I would never think that this entitles me to dictate that he should stop working and look after the house/dc, because it would not be my place to tell him how to live his life. Nor would I be happy if he unilaterally decided to quit work and stay at home, expecting me to support him, because I have no interest in being the sole breadwinner.

It has to be a mutual decision.

@AlexaShutUp totally agree

Yes I agree Alexa about assumptions.

It can feel like swimming against a tsunami though sometimes. For instance, DH always earned a lot more than me. We always had shared finances, but my contribution was maybe 10% into that, so fairly negligible.