In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

Dragon, my dc always came first too. I just happened to have a career as well.

There are a lot of comments on this thread which seem to suggest that SAHMs are prioritising family while WOHMs are prioritising work. I don't see it like that at all. My family has always been my priority. I just don't happen to agree that having a SAHP would add any particular value for our family so it wasn't important for me to do that.

alexashutup before I had my children I thought women who went back to work and put their children into childcare were selfish (bare with me) I was naive and clueless. I worked with preschoolers for 10 years. When I had my dd I stayed at home for 2 years. Went back to work and then had ds, decided to stay at home until ds started school. My relationship with their Dad fell apart. I was a single parent with no earning potential. I really wish I had gone back to work permanently after dd was born. I could have worked part time and then when I became a single parent I could have increased my hours. Now exdp thinks I am the "default" parent. He takes the dc regularly but he presumes he can take a holiday at a moments notice even when he is supposed to have our children. I enabled him to progress in his career. He can't accept that as he is the who has always "worked full time"
I know not all men will take the piss or even believe they are doing wrong but it's always women who are put in a vulnerable position. I'll do everything to prevent my daughter being in that position

No doubt you're going to receive endless posts telling you to mind your own business and that she's an adult and can make her own choices etc etc"

But she is an adult. She has been an adult for 6 years. She can, and will, make her own choices. They won't always be what you would choose, and why should they be?

Of course parents will always care and take an interest, but there has to be a boundary so this doesn't risk becoming interference and intrusion into the lives of two married adults who are starting a family.

how they gave birth at 18 in a shed having run away with the boy they were dating since childhood.

That doesn't apply to me, but it reminds me of the Christmas story

That first paragraph was a quote BTW!

If it were my daughter I would be concerned about two things - 1. her missing out on a significant dimension of life which is working and building a career (even if you eventually make the choice to stay at home) and 2. The financial aspect of becoming financially dependent at a young age on another person. So I understand your worries (even if I think being a SAHM is subjectively great).

This. I’d also be concerned about her being married to a man who is encouraging her to give up her own earning potential (even if that is modest). Sounds like he has very traditional ideas about gender roles within marriage.

I would at least urge her to set up a personal pension for herself that her DP pays into every month. And to ensure that the money DP earns is both their money. So no allowance transferred to her. She should know exactly how much he earns and have equal access to that money.

Cloudymelonade

“She will be very aware what having a baby entails, sleepless nights and all.” I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I personally don’t think it’s really possible to understand how full on and relentless (obv as well as how incredible) it can be having children. It depends on so many factors too. My second child didn’t sleep through for 18 months (I know that’s really common) and it was insane how hard that was with my partner working crazy hours. I couldn’t have imagined how that felt beforehand. Though I agree that she will have heard lots of people warning her.

OP I can understand you worrying. I guess I’d probably focus on the fact most things are reversible and remind her to just see how she finds it being a SAHM and she can happily do that, or if in the event she’d rather work part of full time that’s great too, anything is ok.

I have no plans to ever give up work. Far too much fun.
speakout
Your posts on this thread are confusing and meaningless. First you go on about how being a SAHM gave you loads of opportunities without actually saying what those opportunities were. Now you say you're working. So what are you, a SAHM or a working mum? Because if you have your own business (extremely successful and lucrative, as you say....) then you are in no way a SAHM and I cannot understand why you are going on about how fantastic being a SAHM is. This thread is about financial vulnerability and dependence above all and you suffer from neither.

BestBeforeYesterday

I jacked in my career to become a SAHM. Had zero income for q long time. As children grew, school etc I started working out ways to make money from home.
Small at first, but incresed over the years.

The opportunity was the ability to try different paths of self employment, having the time and energy to explore and work out how to build in some income into my main role as a home maker.

If I have been working outside the home I would not have had the space or time to explore these alternative options, nor be in a position now to have a fun business of my own.

The sensible path would have been to take maternity leave and go back to my career path and contunie there. But I chose not to. I had no idea what the future held when I jacked in my career, but it felt the right thing to do.
And it has worked out well.

Sandy of course sending your kids to nursery 12 hours a day 5 days a week means you have a less strong bond than someone who spends all of their time with their kids.

Can I just reiterate what utter utter bollocks this is. My MIL is the only women I know who never worked at all, ever again, after having children. Shit relationships with her children, who all have a loving and close bond with their dad - yup, the one that worked all hours to provide. Both my parents worked and I had a great relationship with both of them. Anecdote is not data but my life experience gives a total lie to that bollocks about staying at home building a stronger bond - not necessarily.

Anyway, it is up to this young women, who doesn't sound that different to any other genericSarah (or indeed most of the women on Mumsnet) except she is totally honest about her plans and motivations, instead of the standard Mumsnet trope about 'well, he earned more so it just made sense for me to give up work....'

As a child growing up in a home where df worked & dm was a sahm for 14 years & never earned enough to have been able to support us if they had split up, I would say yanbu.

In my view It's also important that she can support herself financially even if she never needs to.

@Green Tulips Yes,exactly!!I enjoyed every single second of when mine were little. 19 yr old is in college,16 and 14.I still stay home and enjoy it.🤗

So basically you feel she'll be wasting her life raising your grandchildren and you'd rather a nursery worker did it? I think you should be happy for her that she has a CHOICE as many of us don't!

Tessabelle, the OP's dd would be raising the OP's grandchildren whether she stayed at home with the kids or not.

The only children who are raised by nursery workers are the children of the nursery workers themselves.

Rather than, “I didn’t want my DC raised by nursery workers” ..,.,

could people just say, “I didn’t want my DC cared for by nursery workers between 8am and 5pm or for x hours per week.”

Otherwise these threads just go round and round with people getting stuck on particular words and everyone getting super-sensitive.

Really everyone knows the issue is -

SAHMs don’t want their kids in childcare. Simple as that. Otherwise they wouldn’t bother staying home, wouid they?

WOHMs wasn’t to maintain their careers forca whole multitude of reasons. Otherwise they wouldn’t do it, would they?

Neither position needs to be interpreted as a slur on anyone else.

Wouldn’t it be boring if everyone was the same?

Most people these days have no choice, so the whole argument is theoretical anyway for most.

YABU. You sound like you are extremely patronising towards her and making it clear you don't think she will cope so I bet she's feeling even more determined to prove you wrong. I have been a stay at home mum since 19, living off of dh high London wage. 23 now with 2 kids and we live a much more luxurious, happier life than our 6 siblings! 🤷‍♀️ Have some faith in her and her dh choices.

Pa1oma, but it's not that simple, is it?

Some SAHMs may not like childcare and choose to stay at home with their kids for that reason. Others may not like working and are happy to have an excuse to quit. Others might want to work but don't earn enough to cover the cost of childcare.

Same with WOHMs. Some might feel it's important to retain their careers, so choose to continue working because of that. Others may have no choice but to work because they can't afford not to. And others may have wanted to stay at home but found it didn't suit them.

There are so many different scenarios. Personally, I didn't want to put my dd into full-time childcare, but I did want to maintain my career and my financial independence, so I had to find a way of working around both of those priorities. If you're creative, it doesn't always have to be an either/or choice.

'SAHMs don’t want their kids in childcare. Simple as that. Otherwise they wouldn’t bother staying home, wouid they?

WOHMs wasn’t to maintain their careers forca whole multitude of reasons. Otherwise they wouldn’t do it, would they?'

Of course it's not as simple as that! Surely you can think of other reasons why women (or men, let's not leave them out) would work or not work.

As to the OP, I would share your concerns, more so because of would her husband appears to have said. I can see why she is calling you a hypocrite given that you have made the same choice and stuck to it for 24 years, presumably not returning to work at all.

LLOE - I agree with you, but I just get tired of these threads in which women feel the need to justify their choices. Nobody can begin to comprehend the set up in someone else’s relationship, or to understand other people’s motivations or finances. Nobody is in a position to take a snipe at anyone else because perhaps in her shoes, you might have made the same choice. Comparisons are irrelevant. Do you ever find men having these kind of debates or feeling guilty - no you do not.

I'd encourage her to take mat leave, she may change her mind.
I'd also encourage her to take an active part in local community/organisations to keep up a good level of skills that are transferable back into work - friend of mine was chair of local NCT then chair of PTA, a parish councillor and various other community roles, took a financial qualification, and then side stepped back into her industry in a very good job after almost 14 years at home.

canyoubeserious - As I said, many families have no option but to be a two-income family, so the whole debate is irrelevant. Some women can’t afford to work, so the same applies.

But where there is choice, women will ultimately do what feels instinctively right for them, according to their personalities, individual strengths and belief systems. Nobody can tell anyone else what they should feel or do.

But where there is choice, women will ultimately do what feels instinctively right for them, according to their personalities, individual strengths and belief systems. Nobody can tell anyone else what they should feel or do.

Indeed not. And nobody can say how an individual will feel about their choices a few decades on, including the person making those choices.

However, people can share insights from their own experiences and encourage their loved ones to consider all angles so that they are able to make well-informed choices. Personally, I have found it very helpful to learn from the lived experiences of other women, both positive and negative, and the insights that they have shared have been instrumental in helping me to make my own choices.

Pa1oma- I was pointing out that what you said in that post was extremely simplistic and inaccurate. Another poster has done the same.

In the OP's situation, she may well feel that she can and should discuss the situation with her young adult DD. She needs to be careful to approach it in a non patronising way though. I suspect, from what she has written, that she DD feels patronised.

I always find it interesting on these threads how everyone is in favour of women having all the choices about whether and how much they work, but no one ever seems to think that men should have the same. If one partner in the relationship chooses not to work it takes away a lot of choices from the other one, in ways they might not foresee at the time.

Which is why it has to be a joint decision both parties are happy with. Will lead to resentment if they’re not.