In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

The one point I think I would be inclined to make to your DD is how many women of her age group she thinks will be SAHMs when she is. In the high flying graduate world 24 year olds will usually be the nanny or au pair.

There were no women in their 20s in my NCT group, and 3 were late 30s.

She may end up feeling very isolated and lose a lot of her friends who will still be out clubbing and working hard at their careers for many years to come.

If you are going to say again suggest to still contribute to a saving plan for pension and also get life insurance plus critical illness plan for both.

I chose the “sensible” route of putting career first. I wish I hadn’t.

It’s her choice and you might not agree with it (even though it’s what you did) but she is plenty young enough to build her career when her kids are grown. Back off and let her live her life. Her privilege has given her choices many people don’t have. It’s absolutely up to her what she chooses.

I actually agree with you - you never know what is behind the corner. Throughout all the ups and downs in my life my career was always there for me.

You may find if DD does find herself feeling isolated once baby arrives she could consider part time work of some kind. I applaud her for taking responsibility for looking after her children instead of handing them over to other people albeit her DH has the funds to enable this. The only fly in the ointment may be if the marriage breaks down and lets face it a heck of a lot do, your DD would have to build up a career again and that can be difficult as time goes on.

Absolutely disgusting thread with equally disgusting attitudes. Sly digs at mothers who choose to work, and equally to those who choose to stay at home.

Fwiw I work full time and have a toddler. I do not cherish her any less than a SAHM and I did not have her ‘so someone else could raise her’.

Some absolutely vile posters on here.

For what it is worth given the 17 pages!
Your dd is married, if her dh leaves her she will be entitled to half the assets. She can relaunch a career if this happens.

Her age is a massive asset! She is young, healthy and likely to enjoy more energy and less complications than us older mothers.

She will find her way with new friends with babies. You or dh can babysit op so she enjoys nights out with her old friends too.

If they are planning a big family it is good she starts now. All the better for planning and commitment. The fact she so wants to be a mother, and knows her own mind is great! Better than all the doubts I had (and illusions of motherhood)

Relax, let her find her way.

Support her with great enthusiasm for the birth of her first baby. She will grow to resent you otherwise.
It’s her life op. Whatever your fears, she is a bright girl clearly and will have many different chapters to her life.

Just tell her to make sure she pays her NI contributions - just in case...

@Bumpitybumper if you read my last post again, you'll notice that I've never denied maternal instinct or said women have to act exactly like men! I suspect our respective opinions are not that far apart.

I'm just highly highly suspicious of any single "explanation" that requires us to simply shrug our shoulders and continue to accept traditional gender roles long beyond the baby stage. Especially when they leave women more personally vulnerable.

Just to say to those posters who say the DD will be entitled to half the assets should things go wrong ....
I know a fair few women who got nothing as the assets were long gone ( hidden ) .....

It’s always a risk to rely on anyone else financially ....
( Was SAHM now very lucky to be in a well paid job as a single parent)

I would advise her to make sure she is well financially provided for. Her husband to give her her own money, enough for her to have her own substantial savings (ie not household money) and her own pension as at absolute minimum.

Totally understand your concerns and I'd probably be the same if it was my daughter but if you think about it she may do well out of this arrangement in the long term - certainly better than many women who put career first and then when they do want to settle down and have kids may struggle to meet the right person or conceive. I focused on my job in my 20s and decided to have kids in my 30s. As a result I had 3 career breaks that have stalled my career to some extent. I have a friend who did what your daughter is doing and got the kids out of the way in her 20s, was a SAHM then focused on her career when they went off to school and now in her early 40s is a partner in a law firm.

You’ve had a lot of very detailed advice, I have only skimmed some of the posts so apologies if I am repeating what others have said, but I am astonished that people are calling you a hypocrite! Surely someone who has actually lived the experience of being an SAHM is best placed to advise about going down that route, and of course that may mean that you say “if I had my time again, I’m not sure that’s what I would choose”.

I’m interested in what your DH/her father thinks. My Mum was an SAHM, I went to University and had a graduate career and so it was always my Dad I talked to about work decisions/career choice. My concern here would be that at 24 she is going to miss out on a lot of the social maturity that working can bring-teamworking, conflict resolution, working with a range of ages and backgrounds, delegating and being delegates to, time management, reflecting in a structured way on what she is good and not good at, overcoming difficulties etc. Some of these may be CV fodder but a lot of these experiences are about maturity in general. I recently met up again in my early 40s with a group of people I trained with when I was your DD’s age and we all laughed at how clueless and naive we were back then, and how much we had learned during those “formative” years. I’m not saying being a mother doesn’t teach you a lot, but she should perhaps talk to her Dad about how he feels having a career shaped him as a person.

I do have to admit that I feel somewhat wary of your Son in Law. Really, as he himself is fairly fresh into the world of work and obviously enjoying it, why does he not want her to have that experience too? It also sounds like she missed out on a lot of University fun if for her 2nd and 3rd year she had a boyfriend who had already graduated so was presumably living further away. Is he religious by any chance? He may not be deliberately controlling but he doesn’t really sound like he’s got her best interest at heart. Did they go off travelling or anything (I am thinking not as hw’d Have already been working by the time she graduated) or has she basically just trailed round after him wherever he had to be for his job? Does he belittle what she does, or talk proudly about her work achievements? You say she is junior but everyone is junior at 24- even high-flying S-I-L who may well be earning a decent wad but I guarantee his colleagues will still see him as wet behind the ears.

Did she ever talk about career ambitions before she met him?

It is perfectly possible that she never really wanted to study or work but felt she should, however she might be a bit more vulnerable to suggestion by him than she realises.

No never give up your career totally.... it's so important for your independence!

I'm 24, I couldn't cope being at home, I actually enjoy adult time away from my little one, not afraid to admit it. Plus if the worst happens in the future she will have experience in her field not just her qualification.

@FrazzledCareerWoman
Yes, I think we have a lot of common ground. I just wish there was a way that we could understand how biology affects us and what our "natural" state of being would be if we weren't living in such a patriarchal society. I genuinely fear that the drive to disregard traditional gender roles could lead to women unintentionally also disregarding the biological traits and behaviours that are hard coded into us. Just because a trait (e.g. being more caring and empathetic) may be undervalued in modern society, it doesn't mean that it is worthless or something we should fight against in the battle to keep up with men.

Sorry to go off track OP

She may well feel that way now but she obviously got an education for a reason, and I suspect she wants to use it. I am a sahp but I couldn't afford to not be. She may find herself itching to get a job in a year's time.

I would NOT make a thing of this now. Just say "well I know you feel like that now, but if you ever change your mind that's OK too. It's hard to know how you will feel until it happens!" Then leave it. Don't make her feel like she can't crawl back in two years time when she wants a job. We all think all sorts of things before we actually have children...

@MonicaGellerHyphenBing I wish Mumsnet had a "like" button just for your post.

FWIW I thought I would be a total hippy mum who loved being at home. I AM NOT! I wish I could work but would have fucked us financially as having dh work flexibly would have meant a huge drop in money for us as a family and I have very little earning potential.

It sounds like she’s going enough and educated enough to make her choice and if she decides later to go back to work or retrain for another role then it’s never too late. After 20 years of teaching, I’m 42 and a single parent and I’m currently back at university trying to retrain for a different career. I wish I could afford to be at hone for my kids but instead I worry about money and put them in wraparound on the days I work.

She might love it, like you. You may be her role model for how she brings up her children. She may decide after a year with her first baby that she wants to go back to work, full or part time, or that she doesn’t want the many children she has planned. It’s hard to know what the future holds. I never planned on being a single parent to 2 school aged children. Life throws curve balls all the time and people adapt.

1Wanda1
I had a very similar experience and could never leave myself exposed like that again. I'm confident that my partner has much higher moral standards than my ex-h, but still couldn't allow myself to be reliant. I ended up with a lot of debt and a crashing credit rating. I needed to release equity in the property that I had jointly paid for, for 10 years prior to being sahm but he felt that he was entitled to more because I hadn't worked for a couple of years. Whilst legally this wasn't the case, it held it up for months whilst he lived in the house and I ended up letting him have a greater percentage and paying for an expensive divorce due to him being such an arse.

I think actually she’s probably doing it the right way around.
If she knows she wants to be a full time stay at home mum while her children are little then I think that’s great that she is happy to give them her all. Then, when they’re a little older she can start her career, who’s to say the career she wants to do now is the same as one that she would choose 5/6/7 years down the line and a little more worldly wise.
Even if she decided to start her career in 19 years time she’ll still be young.
Hats off to her prioritising her family rather than her career.

I say let her be. I'd love to be in the position to be able to be a sahm, but I know I would want a part time job in evenings to keep me sane 😂

My mum thinks I should be at home with my babies (one is 5 and other is 5 months and I'm dreading going back to work in September) and tbh so do I. Due to buying a house at height of housing boom In 2008 🙈 I have no flaming choice but to work. I personally think a mum should be at home with their kids as I'm very traditionalist and want my kids to have the childhood I did and it sounds like your dd wants the same. I don't think age has anything to do with it

Your dd actually sounds like my sister. She was young when she started her family and doesn't work either with a 6 and 4 year old and a six month old. She has loads of mummy friends and also has a degree and can have a career if she wants. Her priority is her family and it sounds like you've done a great job raising your dd 💝💝💝

It's her choice . If she wants to be a sahm it's between her and her husband nothing to do with you now. I was a sahm I suppose I still am even though they've all flown the nest. I did have the odd part time job when we needed extra money but my kids came first. One of my dds is a sahm and it's like I've said to her she has her own family and what they do is their business it has nothing to do with me now. I have untied the apron strings and I stand at the edge of their family I am there if needed. I do not interfere they learn as a family to sort their own problems. Which is as it should be.

While there are some lovely, lovely, reliable chaps out there in the world, sadly there are also many that are not. Some of these are high-flying career types. I took heed from 2 generations of (happily married) women who impressed on me the importance never to be reliant on a man. By all means stay at home...but keep your career skills relevant, make sure he is capable of looking after the children (for days) on his own so he values what you do, and work at your relationship so the risk of him leaving you with multiple kids and only a minimum wage earning capacity is reduced. I’d focus on these messages OP, rather than simply ‘you’re too young to be a SAHM’. If he’s prepared to put 50% of his earnings in her name now, it sets a lower risk foundation for her future...let this be her guide?