In thinking DD is too young to give up work to stay at home

[MrsJenB]

Firstly to make it clear this is not being anti SAHM in fact I've been an SAHM since DD was born which she's saying makes me a hypocrite!

Bit of background DD is 24 and graduated from uni summer 2017. In her 1st year she met a man who was then in 3rd year and has been with him since, they got married in August. DD is now pregnant and has said she intends to give up work and not go back and they want to have a family of 3/4 kids going forward. Income isn't a problem for her as our son in law is a bit of a high flyer and in a high paying industry where he's already earning a lot and his earning potential is very high. DD is very junior in a very different kind of industry.

AIBU to still be a bit uncomfortable with her deciding to stop work at her age? She says I wouldn't be saying anything if she was 5 years older but they're ready so what's the difference. I get the feeling this is coming from son in law a bit though from some of what she's said such as him saying there's no point her working when his salary is mainly what they live on anyway and that hers doesn't make any difference anyway. That might well be true but smells a bit of calling it pocket money. DH isn't 100% on board but isn't really concerned either saying it's good she's passionate about being a mum and wanting a family. I think she's in for a bit of a shock when she realises it's more sleepless nights, changing stinky nappies and having to deal with all the responsibility all day especially with son in law working long hours and probably longer as his career progresses so not there a lot for support, not some "yummy mummy" lifestyle some of her social media posts make me think she expects. I don't think she realises how isolating it could be and how demanding even though I've told her and she says she knows. I think my DH doesn't realise either as he always worked quite long hours which maybe is why he isn't as concerned. And none of DD's friends are likely to have kids right now either so it could be even more of a challenge for her. Of course I'll support her whatever but AIBU to be worried and want her to think a bit more about the decisions?

If it were my daughter I would be concerned about two things - 1. her missing out on a significant dimension of life which is working and building a career (even if you eventually make the choice to stay at home) and 2. The financial aspect of becoming financially dependent at a young age on another person. So I understand your worries (even if I think being a SAHM is subjectively great).

However, if she is determined then so be it. Best you can do is think of the positives of young parents and grand children and help her think about how to build her skills in the longer term. Plus talk about eg pensions and NICS whilst she is off.

Unless her DH is somewhat older than she is then staying high flying is also no guarantee. Much easier lower down the pyramid than higher...

Maybe she has been listening to Kirsty Allsop 😆

I agree that being a sahm is a massive gamble for the woman, it probably is more sensible to stay at work however even knowing this i'm doing it! She can only make decisions for the here and now but do maybe help her to see that it can be a risk.

I think a lot of my generation (millenials) grew up with the a traditonal set up and divorce was much lower in the 90s so it was more stable. This might lull some of us into a false sense of security that we will end up like our DPs, i always thought id work for this very reason yet here i am and sahm is much better for me!

Mulder that's not true. The divorce rate in England and Wales peaked in 1993** and fell to a 45-year low (for heterosexual couples) in 2017.

Going to work is about far more than just earning a salary. For those lucky enough to not need to work for the sake of earning money (I count myself amongst them) the main reasons to work include spending time with other adults without children around (saved my sanity when I went back to work), paying into a workplace pension, not feeling totally financially dependent on another person, not having a huge career break should your circumstances change (not all marriages last forever), doing something challenging which engages your brain and being a positive role model for your children (although I do struggle slightly with that last one - as a feminist I think we have fought for equality of opportunity and if one parent decides not to work then that is fine).

I would be worried that this decision is being influenced by your daughter’s husband. He shouldn’t really say anything other than “if you chose not to go back to work then I will support you in that decision” rather than “there’s no point you going back to work because I earn enough for the two of us”

The risk of divorce should not be ignored. Those marrying in their early twenties have a greater risk of divorce. High-earning men have a high rate of divorce.

I hope they stay together but it would be foolish to ignore the risk.

No one is denying maternal instinct.
Is paternal instinct ever recognised or mentioned.
In fact women have always combined WOH and child rearing .
I EBF (6 years total) and was a very earth mothery sling wearing type .
3 year long mat leaves and worked PT .
It was fantastic and a good balance for us all.

Another thing about becoming a lifetime SAHM... especially from such an early age, is when do you actually work and earn for yourself.

In university till 21, assuming no delays... then assuming you immediately get a job... that's 3 years out of your whole life that you've been in a position to work full time.

With the current cost of living most young people return home after university. So in this case OP, your DD has gone from having her dad financially support her as a child and young adult...to having her soon to be DH financially support her.

Being financially dependent on men all her life ... just isn't how I'd want to live my life or have my DD live her life.

I don’t think there is any good time to take 5 or 10 or 15 years out of your career to be a SAHP. I don’t see why this isn’t as good a time as any.

I was 22 when I had my first. Had planned to return to work but ended up being a SAHM for nearly 6 years before returning to work. Don’t regret it at all and my job was term time so I got the holidays etc.

As an older mum your wiser
If only she knew how vunerable she will become
I sincerly hope she goes back to her career in the the near future after taking care of the children .
Its not a joke ask any person male or female who have been in this position

And it could work out brilliantly all the best

I think any parent should stay at home at least for the pre-school years if they can. I was lucky enough to have a well off hubby and didn't return to work until my youngest was 5

It’s the dd’s life to make her own choices (and mistakes). I pretty much agree with the OP, but also agree that she is somewhat hypocritical having not worked herself- she is the role model her daughter has grown up with.

I think mums should all be allowed to make up their own mind re SAHM or working (out of the home as well as in it) mum...no matter age or anything else, based purely on what they (&hubby) feel is best for their family....at the end of the day a HAPPY MUM = A HAPPY FAMILY - no one size fits all, let’s just let people choose for themselves and embrace the fact women have a choice these days and support each other wherever is chosen the right thing for them and THEIR family:)

Ps there are successful women in the world, some have had mums with jobs outside of the home, others not...whether a mum has a job is not the determining factor to how successful a women goes on to be. Let her stay at home if she wants, she may well change her mind, but will be happier having at least tried it.

I love my kids. I am a SAHM and I hate it. It's the hardest, most boring, repetitive, most isolating thing in the world. I appreciate that I sound hugely ungrateful as there are women who would love to give up work and spend time at home but I'm on call 24/7 (and of course that is my role as mother, I'd be a fool to think work is a "break") but generally I have very little adult contact, no money of my own and I'm at a huge disadvantage career-wise (to the point where really, I don't think I can have a career now). I look at my friends and I feel a tinge of upset that they have very fulfilling careers (albeit they are childless) but I don't. No one could have told me what the reality of being a SAHM is like, no one could have told me what the reality of being a PARENT is like but that's what life is. I know you're worried about your daughter but you have to let her make her own decisions and be there for her no matter what. This isn't your choice to make.

I did this, and when I came to want a career, I found it impossible to find anything remotely satisfying job wise. For a couple of years I was stuck in a rut of dead end, minimum wage jobs which I hated. I found it soul destroying.

Maybe you've made it look like a rewarding and viable option.

I can understand your concerns, but why not concentrate on yourself? Isn't it time you went back to work, OP, rather than ploughing your energy into thinking that about your daughter ? Flame me!

I had a high flying career and knew my job was becoming obsolete whilst pregnant. After a luxurious maternity leave and garden leave I didn't go back. Whilst dd was tiny I did an MA and ten years later I'm now retraining to use my MA. However, I never wanted to do my original degree and didn't have great job satisfaction. I knew I wanted to be there for dd too. Aged 24, let her do what makes her happiest. She can always change her mind in ten or fifteen years time (or she may find she's desperate to return to work once the baby is born!) Just support her choices.

An acquaintance of mine married a rich guy, had a child, never worked. That’s what husband wanted. Twenty two years on he’s dumped her to go off with a woman he knew at years ago when they were at uni who is the complete opposite of the soon-to-be-ex-wife, ie a high flying career woman. Acquaintance devastated, would really struggle to start career now, son at uni 300 miles away. Just saying.

I think she already made the decision when she married a slightly older “high flying” man while not being on that track herself.
He’ll always work long hours and put his career first and leave the majority of childcare and house admin to her. So her trying to have a career too sounds like a recipe for stress and resentment.
Personally I would hate to sahp or have a spouse who didn’t value my job or value taking on a fair parenting load.
But in OPs daughters case she’s already on that road with this husband. May as well accept it and work to ensure she has a pension and fair access to savings etc.
She can certainly start a new career in ten years time if she wants as she’s so young.

I wasn't quite so young but I did become a SAHM and my feelings are mixed. I have absolutely loved the time it afforded me to spend with the dc doing fun things and seeing them hit milestones. I am good at making friends so although initially I found it a shock to suddenly be alone at home with a baby, I soon made friends at groups and in the local area. However, going back to work has not been so easy as skills out of date and industry I went back to was a dying one (won't say what as don't want to out myself) so ended up out of a job less than 3 years after going back. My dh has always been easy going and supportive so financially I am fine, the only problem is that I am at a loss at what I do next to get back to work, I have no clue what I want to do or where I would like to work.

I don't think you can stop your dd making this choice but assuming her DH is as high earning as you say then she should be advised to open her own pension and ISA and have money regularly pain into it. This will give her some financial security and independence. If her DH refuses then perhaps this is food for thought.

*paid not pain

mummastheword

🎉

Exactly. Each to their own.

She’s lucky to be able to give up work and concentrate on raising a family, millions would envy her lifestyle

Let her and her husband decide and whatever they do decide you should be happy for them and look forward to your grandchildren

Personally, I agree with you. She will have so little proper work experience in her industry that I think she'll really struggle to get into the work place if she changes her mind, and if she did manage to get a job it wouldn't pay very well. I would think that this would mean shed struggle to justify working if she has to put a child in nursery, and it sounds like her husband isnt the type that would be happy for her taking a lower paid job.

However, it is her life and she gets to make her own decisions. You've let her know your thoughts and she can choose to take that on board or not, but I think you'll have to leave her to it now and support her in her decision.

Congratulations on become a grandma! Enjoy the baby when they get here :)