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AIBU?

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Original poster

Peeved off!?!?

116 replies

grumbblingmiss · 20/04/2019 23:16

So was talking to DP today about our plans to start a family soon, (coming off contraception in a couple of weeks) I mentioned today in a joke that he hasn't asked me to marry him yet, being that we have spoken about this several times and I've explained that I wanted to be at least engaged before we have a child

I know we don't HAVE to be engaged or married (this is just my personal preference) but his response was 'I don't have to ask you to marry me' 'it doesn't mean we can have a child we don't have to be engaged'

AIBU to be really pissed off??

He already has a DD with his EX and I don't want to just be 'another woman he got pregnant' as our relationship is very serious e.g mortgage, loans together, pets, close knit family

Any help would be appreciated

(Name changed)

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 20/04/2019 23:17

Stay on the contraception.

Knittedfairies · 20/04/2019 23:19

If being engaged or married is really important to you, you must think very carefully about having a child with this man.

Sparklesocks · 20/04/2019 23:21

If you were being lighthearted he may have just replied in the same way? but if you meant it more seriously - it would probably have been better to not frame it as a joke and voice your feelings openly.
Some people are just not bothered about marriage and don’t feel they need to be married to have kids. You mention you have both spoken about your stances on marriage/kids before, What did he say then?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2019 23:23

If you plan on giving up work, think very carefully about getting married before you have a child with him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2019 23:31

Being engaged is nice but doesn’t mean anything. If you want to be married, and especially if that’s before having a baby, then do that first.

If you can discuss ttc then you can have a proper chat about marriage. I assume you both agreed to the mortgage, loans and pets so why would you let marriage be something he gets to decide rather than agreeing to it together?

surlycurly · 20/04/2019 23:34

I also agree about getting married or at least the issue being sorted before TTC.

RJnomore1 · 20/04/2019 23:36

I would never have a child with a man who wasn’t serious about marriage to me.

I don’t care if this isn’t popular.

His reaction would send me running for an implant.

Original poster
grumbblingmiss · 20/04/2019 23:39

Thank you guys 😣😣 he does want to get married, we've spoken about it before and know what we would like to do etc and that we wouldn't want a big wedding and all that jazz

I know he doesn't want to rush the actual marriage he's said 'there's nothing wrong with being engaged for a couple years is there then the kids would be old enough to be embolden in the marriage with us'

It's not that I want him to marry me tomorrow, I just feel that if he knows he wants to get married what's the big issue with being engaged 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also don't want the whole obligatory 'they got engaged cause there pregnant' saga 🙄🙄

OP posts:
Ruru8thestars · 20/04/2019 23:41

Don’t get pregnant yet

CurbsideProphet · 20/04/2019 23:44

So he's happy to commit to having a child with you, but he doesn't want to "rush" into marriage? Confused

Original poster
grumbblingmiss · 20/04/2019 23:46

He said previous he didn't want a date setting that we had to be engaged by because then I would know it was coming

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 20/04/2019 23:47

Why would you want to have a child with someone who isn’t serious enough about you to get married.

This is different than being anti-marriage. Being against the concept of marriage and committing in some other way prior to children is perfectly reasonable. But since you want to get married, you aren’t to-marriage do that doesn’t apply.

Expressedways · 20/04/2019 23:48

If you want to be engaged/married before you have children then sorry but I really don’t understand why you’re coming off the pill and TTC. If you’re able to discuss starting a family with him then why can’t you have a frank discussion about marriage? It sounds like a proposal isn’t going to be forthcoming but you deserve to know if he never wants to get married so you can decide how important it really is to you. Ultimately you may have to decide between marriage and the relationship but I really wouldn’t TTC until this is resolved.

losingfaith · 20/04/2019 23:52

If he is ready to ttc, he is ready to propose and actually get married.

If it is a dealbreaker for you, do not come off your contraception. I've lost count of the number of threads I have read where the lady had had kids and years later the guy is still procrastinating.

Also keep in mind that if he does propose, he could just be fobbing you off - I know someone in this situation. She gave him an ultimatum so he proposed 7 years ago - he now openly brags he never has any intention of actually getting married (she has had a few kids and feels like she can't leave).

Graphista · 20/04/2019 23:55

I'm with those saying don't get pregnant with this guy.

Also check your legal obligations and rights regarding the mortgage and loans.

Not being married before making yourself vulnerable financially and/or by having children I personally think is really stupid.

It's NOT just a piece of paper it's a legally binding contract that clearly defines both parties rights and obligations.

Do not get pregnant without checking thoroughly with an independent advisor exactly where you stand.

I made it very clear to my ex that I wouldn't be committing to the relationship unless he did too by getting married, I also was very careful with contraception and made it clear I wanted children and wanted to have my first child before I was 30.

I'm now very glad I did all that, even though we've since divorced it meant I got a (small) financial settlement, it was a little easier to pursue child Maintenance and it means my daughter knows not only from me telling her but from the fact I can show her that her dad and I were married for several years before she was born that she wasn't the cause of our being together (something I've been on the opposite end of as the unplanned child of a couple which resulted in a shotgun wedding to an abusive man)

Marriage is important especially if you're planning on having children it provides legal protection and is a good litmus test for how committed he is to you (or not)

What you definitely shouldn't do is have a child and become a sahm without financial security or marriage (preferably both)

Original poster
grumbblingmiss · 20/04/2019 23:56

I know he does want to get married, I've asked him tonight why he doesn't want to get engaged and he said 'I was just joking with you babe ☺️'

Maybe staying on the pill is my best option for now then

This is my point now I don't want to make a big deal about it and then if he proposes thinking he's only done it to 'satisfy' me and shut me up

OP posts:
Original poster
grumbblingmiss · 21/04/2019 00:00

Graphista I totally agree! I wouldn't want to be left with a child after a broken down relationship with no financial stability

However since our being together I know he has never once failed to pay his CM to his EX and we see his little one very regularly and are extremely happy together

I'm just a little startled by it all as we are completely sound in our relationship and have never really disagreed on things like this

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 21/04/2019 00:03

If he wanted to marry you, he'd do so.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2019 00:05

He is clearly NOT committed to you in the way you want. For the love of god, don't be foolish enough to get pregnant by this man. He is telling you EXACTLY who he is. It's time to listen and move on.

Graphista · 21/04/2019 00:06

You don't know he wants to marry though, you only know he's told you that's the case.

Words are cheap actions are what matter and I don't mean just proposing.

My sisters ex proposed pretty early on but several years and 3 kids later there was still no real commitment from him and when they split she was a sahm to 3 under 7 and extremely vulnerable. She lost their home and ended up in huge debt.

I've seen this so many times - I'll wager myself and others urging caution have considerably more life experience than yourself.

I'm 46 and I've seen too many women screwed over with empty promises.

And as I always say on these type of threads it's not just the relationship ending, you could also be extremely vulnerable if your partner were to become critically ill or die.

It's not as rare as people think.

In my own family I've seen a young sahm effectively widowed and as they weren't married and the house was in his name she ended up being turfed out of her home and having to deal with extreme financial difficulty while also supporting 2 young bereaved children while dealing with her own grief.

There are several mners who's partners or spouses died relatively young. I believe I'm right in saying the ones who were married had it marginally easier from a practical/financial perspective as the legalities are far more clearly defined.

AlunWynsKnee · 21/04/2019 00:14

Yes stay on contraception.
If you want the protection that marriage brings then don't go having a child and then try to play catch up. If he won't marry you first then be very clear whether you want to go ahead in that situation because he could keep stalling on marriage. There'll always be a reason why you should wait unless he really wants to.

Smotheroffive · 21/04/2019 00:19

i was only joking BABE downright dismissive and belittling.

He sounds gross. Do men still talk down to women like this, like they are 'babies'

Patronising shifty bloke. Don't take him at his word. This is real life not some game to joke about.

It's deliberate on his part that you don't know where you stand with him.

He knows, but he's not telling you. Some partnerships are very strong, yours is not.

He's smarming you

Singlenotsingle · 21/04/2019 00:27

You need to do the proposing. Ask him to marry you, and if he says yes then get him out choosing a ring. If he says no or fobs you off, then you know where you stand. No engagement, no ring, no baby!

Original poster
grumbblingmiss · 21/04/2019 00:29

Just so confused at the moment this is totally out of character

I've made a point of discussing it tonight (over text which is not ideal but I work nights) he's said that he was just joking with me and that he hasn't had any spare money lately which I know he hasn't but rings don't cost the earth 🤷🏼‍♀️

We were also planning to use condoms for a couple weeks to a month until my cycle became regular, andbhes brought that up saying 'we're using condoms for a month or so first anyway so we have time don't worry'

Just feel really up in the air now

OP posts:
Original poster
grumbblingmiss · 21/04/2019 00:30

Good point singlenotsingle

OP posts:
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