Peeved off!?!?

[grumbblingmiss]

So was talking to DP today about our plans to start a family soon, (coming off contraception in a couple of weeks) I mentioned today in a joke that he hasn't asked me to marry him yet, being that we have spoken about this several times and I've explained that I wanted to be at least engaged before we have a child

I know we don't HAVE to be engaged or married (this is just my personal preference) but his response was 'I don't have to ask you to marry me' 'it doesn't mean we can have a child we don't have to be engaged'

AIBU to be really pissed off??

He already has a DD with his EX and I don't want to just be 'another woman he got pregnant' as our relationship is very serious e.g mortgage, loans together, pets, close knit family

Any help would be appreciated

(Name changed)

He's ready and willing to impregnate you now, but not to marry you. It'd be a no from me.

Someone makes a £50 engagement ring. Can't remember who; it might be Pandora. It's supposed to be a ring to see you through, until he can afford a proper one.

No he's wrong. He's not in charge of your contraception but really sounds like he is OP.

Was he married before?

How is life with his ex and his DD?

There doesn't have to be annanhagement either.

He has been really clear there's no commitment to marry, pregnancy now, marriage wafted away till some other time

Someone makes a £50 engagement ring

Poundland do the same thing for a pound. I don't have an engagement ring. Together 2 years, unplanned pregnancy, married within a fortnight!

That was 30+ years ago

Old school jewelers always have thousands of beautiful old engagement rings. Why buy new when you can get vintage for a fraction of the price.

But that's not the reason. My exDH proposed with his mate's pinky ring. I mean I wouldn't recommend it but it was because he wanted to propose. I got a 'real' one later.

Propose to him yourself. Ask him if he wants to pick his own ring, Stirling silver rings are not very expensive.
Then plan a registry wedding. Then a baby so you have a wives legal rights should anything happen to him.
Good luck

No he wasn't married before

She was controlling and he left when DD was 17months, he has regular contact and has since they split however she is very sour about our relationship and my relationship with DD and they still argue every couple weeks about silly things because basically she doesn't like me and switches and changes contact to suit but that's another story (I wasn't OW btw we didn't start seeing each other till 5 months after the split)

I've known DP since I was 16 and he was 17 we are 25 and 26 now and have been together for 2 years

I don't need or particularly want An expensive ring as I can't wear it at work anyway and it isn't the value of the ring that matters to me it's what it represents

I know he doesn't want to rush the actual marriage he's said 'there's nothing wrong with being engaged for a couple years is there then the kids would be old enough to be embolden in the marriage with us'

This old chestnut. Balls! Engagement means nothing. Absolutely FA.

Why do so many women sell themselves short - some guy who's already got a kid and a sour ex when the woman is young and childfree, some guy who fobs off marriage but is fine with fathering yet another child to a 'partner', jacking in FT work/career to subsidise childcare for the unmarried partner?

FFS, up your standards. 'I'm just joking, babe' 'I don't have any spare money'.

At your age I even know those were sad excuses and I'm almost twice your age now.

Still, so many women tie themselves down to blokes like this.

Fuck proposing to him. Do not TTC with him. A frank, mature and honest discussion about marriage is in order. You don't need rings or to be engaged. I never had an engagement ring. DH and I got married 6 weeks after we agreed to do so. There was no way I was going to commit to mortgages, loans or debt with someone I wasn't married to, much less actively try to conceive a child.

Get some standards.

When I read your OP, my initial thought was "propose to him yourself".

But now I've got to the end of the thread, I don't think that any more (and I note a PP suggested it, and your slightly excitedly considering it).

But having read the thread, I don't think you should be proposing to this man.

I think he's giving you quite a clear message, that you probably don't want to hear. But, personally, if I were you, I'd keep on the contraception for now. He sounds like he's 'willing' to 'give' you a baby (because it's something you want) without being totally committed to you.
I don't mean this nastily, but I found Graphista's first post on this thread to be very depressing.... NOTHING about love. Made it all quite like a business contract (which should NOT be why we create and raise children). And she goes on to say they're no longer together.
Her later posts give more clarity into her situation, but I still think that's a pretty sad way to procreate.

,"There was no way I was going to commit to mortgages, loans or debt with someone I wasn't married to, much less actively try to conceive a child*
This.
I became pregnant unexpectedly whilst taking a contraceptive pill. Was fortunately in a 2 year commited relationship and already decided we would marry that year. As it happened, the pregnancy shock saw us married within a fortnight. And I was 29.

I believe that a man should ask for the fathers permission (Or relevant persons) and DP knows this, him and my father are best pals they get on great and my parents think the world of him

We are very much in love and I will not just be leaving DP because he may not be feeling 100% about it, thinking about it I probably will stay on my pill for now it's easy done for me

However I also know he was in a bad relationship and it took a while for him to be able to be himself again and not feel controlled and emotionally abused by someone, sometimes people find it hard to talk, more so if they feel you will judge them just as some have done in this post

My parents where both devorced and with 2 DD each when they met then went on to have 2 more (including me) they were together for 24 years before they got married and are still so much in love 4 years later

never understood this sentiment with some men, so i'm good enough to have children with, but god forbid you sign a bit of paper.

Made it all quite like a business contract (which should NOT be why we create and raise children).

Children shouldn't be brought into a 'hearts and flowers and no food on the table' situation either. I support young mums with feckless exes, who do nothing but say they luuurve them and post all over FB about their non-existent parenting.

I believe that a man should ask for the fathers permission

Why?

MrsTerryPratchet personally I think it's a sign of respect and would settle me to know that my father gives his blessing for us to marry

Might not be for all, but each to their own

I believe that a man should ask for the fathers permission
Oh lawks a mercy!

Why do you need to be married to have a child? Seriously its 2019, stop comparing your life to that of his Ex, he is with you, has a Mortgage with you. YABU to be annoyed.

Mitzi I can assure you my ex and I were very much in love when we decided to marry and when we decided to ttc.

He proposed without a ring but in quite a romantic way, he didn't have a ring because it was spontaneous. He'd been going through something difficult and my support was what inspired him to do so, though we had been together almost 3 years at the time and had previously discussed.

Re ttc we'd been discussing then attended his nieces christening. He'd been worried about his lack of experience with babies until then, then his bil said to him "all you need is to know you'll love them" and when he came to me to say he felt ready he said "I know I'll love the baby cos it'll be part of you"

Now unfortunately that's not necessarily been borne out, but at the time there was a great deal of love in those decisions.

But as I said in my earlier posts I've seen too many women screwed over by non committal men inc my sister. Her ex basically proposed to shut her up and whenever she tried to raise actually getting married after that he was always full of excuses

We can't afford it

After this baby's born

Not the same year as my sibling is marrying

It's too stressful at the moment etc

In my experience if a man wants to marry you they'll do something about it, the ones dodging tend to string women along for donkeys years then fuck off with someone else and quickly marry and have kids with them.

I'm guessing you've never been through a divorce? Because that is when the real value of being married hits you.

It's very recently in human history that marriage has had anything to do with love. Until relatively recently it was about financial security, merging business interests and land etc

I also agree with mrsTP that it's irresponsible to have children based ONLY on love, those children need to be supported - fed, clothed etc too many now seem to have children without considering this. Circumstances change of course (I'm now disabled) but certainly when ttc its responsible to do so when reasonably financially secure.

The asking your father for permission/blessing is patriarchal bollocks though. That's treating you like chattel!

Firefighter have you even read this or indeed similar threads?

Women, mothers can end up extremely vulnerable legally and financially if not married

It sounds worse the more you tell us about him,he's 25 and already got a girl pregnant by the age of 20 who he hasn't been able to maintain a reasonable relationship with...oh yes, she's controlling of course she is 'babe'.

It doesnt bode well.

Your df doesn't own you so no-one has to go asking anyone if they can 'have' you in this day and age.
Goodness how backward that this is still a thing.

You are the only one that that give permission for marriage. This is 2019!

Are you very well off that you can afford to be home on his salary with a baby, his 2nd to support, so young?

It's got bugger all to do with your df.

There is plenty of common or garden mysogyny evident in your comments OP.

It's quite depressing this is still the case

It’s not s joking matter though is it?

You are considered a family with no security for you at all.

I wish you could meet the line of friends I have that have stood at your crossroads and believed it would all be ok.

It never is.

In my eyes, if you aren't good enough to marry then you aren't good enough to have his children.

Feeling like I'm getting slightly trolled here, I asked if I was unreasonable to be annoyed and now 80% the comments are basically telling me to

1.leave my happy relationship

1. Leave my lovely home

3.that I should be ashamed that I personally would like my future fiancé to ask my father for my hand in marriage

1. Believe my partner is a horrible waste of space that treats me like I'm worthless?

Wow.

That escalated quickly