Peeved off!?!?

[grumbblingmiss]

So was talking to DP today about our plans to start a family soon, (coming off contraception in a couple of weeks) I mentioned today in a joke that he hasn't asked me to marry him yet, being that we have spoken about this several times and I've explained that I wanted to be at least engaged before we have a child

I know we don't HAVE to be engaged or married (this is just my personal preference) but his response was 'I don't have to ask you to marry me' 'it doesn't mean we can have a child we don't have to be engaged'

AIBU to be really pissed off??

He already has a DD with his EX and I don't want to just be 'another woman he got pregnant' as our relationship is very serious e.g mortgage, loans together, pets, close knit family

Any help would be appreciated

(Name changed)

Oh and also, that I should categorically not have a child with the man I love, I've wanted a family for a long time

Also a total disregard for my financial status (which is very stable for those who didn't ask) if I was to have a child and be a SAHM until preschool age

that I should be ashamed that I personally would like my future fiancé to ask my father for my hand in marriage

You’re helping to perpetuate the idea that females are the property of men. I’d be ashamed.

You aren’t being trolled. You are, in response to your question, getting some fairly blunt answers from people that can see more clearly than perhaps you what lies ahead.

You are uniquely placed at this point to call all the shots. Or you conceive next month and all bets are off.

Which will you chose?

Ps the thing about asking your dad is fine to a point, but it does show you’re living in s romantic idyll and not using your loaf.

How am I not using my loaf?

This post is therefore casting aspersions on anyone on MN that has conceived without being married, how idyllic 🙃🙃

They cannot see what lies ahead for me, they have stories to tell about what has happened to 'someone they know' and I feel for them, however boo e can tell the future

Putting it in someone's head that their relationship is going to fail is an awful thing to do

Go back an read your own Op and what You asked. The replies are totally in line:

AIBU to be pissed off: YES
Any advice; PLENTY

But it’s an Internet forum not a walking gun to your head so do what you like.

And it’s not casting aspersions on other MNers. But there’ve been a fucktonne of them asking “why won’t he marry me” over the years I’ve been here. Perhaps you’re just new.

Op, in my experience if a man wishes to marry you he does. It's really that simple. There is no discussions, cajoling, waiting, whatever, he pops the question and gets on with it.

I've lost count of the amount of threads on here from women where the man never married them, and they are upset about it, where the guy had always said he wanted to and ten years down the line and a couple of kids later it's still not happening.

Bottom line is if this man can't even afford a ring, and he's got no spare money, then how the hell is he going to support another child? He is equally financially responsible and babies cost a shit ton more than a ring or a wedding.

It sounds to me like he's got not desire to marry in the next couple of years at least. And a baby seldom brings people together. It adds stress to a relationship and changes the dynamic totally. Maybe his ex wasn't controlling, maybe she just wanted him to get his finger out and do more at home, socialise or do his own thing less. Maybe he will call you controlling if you continue to push to marry. Or if you want him to do more when thr baby comes.

I personally would suggest staying on the pill for now. Have a serious talk with him. Work out finances. How you will work together, and think about what will happen if he fucks off out of it when your child is an infant, like he did with his ex, calling you controlling because you wanted him to help out more.

Whatever he is paying his ex, I'm going to hazard a guess it's not a fraction of what it costs to raise the child. Just take some time to imagine you're the next her. No matter what he says. I'm sure she was all the future is bright before she had his kid too.

Then hit the pause button.

There’s nothing wrong with him not wanting to marry just yet, particularly if he had a difficult previous relationship. You say he’s not against marriage, which means he’s just not ready to make what should be a life long commitment. That’s fine.

But if he’s not certain he’s ready to make that life long commitment to you yet then why would he be ready to have a baby with you, something which is a life long commitment (to the baby)? Because he doesn’t see a problem with walking away from you at some point, even though you’ll have a baby.

You will be in your words ‘just another woman he got pregnant.’ Don’t just take what he says as gospel, think about what he’s not saying, read between the lines and stay on the bloody pill

I hope you’re atleast considering the vulnerable position you’d be in.

If you’re aware of SMP payments and can truely afford to support the child on your own (including childcare) then you don’t need to worry about ensuring you’d get more than CM. (CM isn’t enough to pay for much a baby / child needs usually)

Obviously there’s loads of single unmarried mothers or even unmarried couples - but if you want to be married there’s no reason to rush into having a child before. Even if you only consider it from an artificial angle, I’d certainly not have had the time, money or motivation to have such a lovely wedding day whilst caring for my child. And your comment about asking your fathers permission implys you’d like a big wedding...

You’re not old enough to start worrying about running out of time to conceive yet, and yes YANBU to be peeved off

(My favourite saying “Act in haste, repent at your leisure” )

Not sure why people are being so snobby about OP saying she thinks he should ask her father's permission? She can do whatever she wants. My DH asked my parent's permission and I thought it was very sweet, as did they. It was all part of the fun. If they'd said no for some strange reason then he would have married me anyway, seeing as how it isn't their decision, it's just a nice tradition that some people like to do. No need for all the harsh judgement on such a small detail.

Anyway - OP, I think maybe you should keep taking the pill for a wee bit longer and have a think about what you really want. Do you definitely want to be married/engaged before you get pregnant, or is it not that important to you? Don't listen to him saying that you don't have time to make these decisions, you aren't pregnant yet so you have as much time as you need to think.

Talk to him about what you've said to us here. Tell him you don't care about how much the ring costs and tell him why these things matter to you. There is no rush for you to have a baby so make sure you're going into this with your eyes wide open knowing that you are doing the right thing.

Sorry I think he is stalling. Stay on the pill for now and be honest about what you want. If it’s not the same as him, well you’ve got your answer.

PregnantSea thank you very much, finally someone with some advice that isn't just throwing judgement everywhere

Going to chat face to face when I get home today got a nice family ovation to go to so can have a nice talk in the sunshine

I do want to be engaged not particularly married straightaway, the commitment of the engagement is enough for me for now

We talked a little last night over text (we are very open and honest about things) feeling a lot more calm about the situation now

I would be very cautious of someone who wants go get married but doesn't want to set a date. I have a few friends who have been engaged for years and despite babies, houses, pet and whatever else there is still no date. It was clearly just a 'shut up ring'. Now of course they have less disposable income to pay for a wedding anyway and have mostly left their jobs to care for children. One has sunk a lot of family money into a joint house but still no wedding date. Be clear that you want to get married not a pity ring

Think about your legal and financial status and don't give up your financial independence without the protection of marriage. You could end up homeless and penniless if things go wrong

I always thought I was a traditionalist when it came to engagement etc until I fell in love!

Then I realised I was not a possession to be gifted from one man (father) to another (spouse). It's a very antiquated way of thinking. Especially given you would have children outside of a marriage contract.

An agreement to get married is worth nothing.

You have to give 29 days notice of intention to marry so if marriage rather than a wedding is important, you can have that within as little as 4 weeks.

Work out what is more important to you both and go from there. But accept that if your feelings are stronger than his on the subject, now isn't the right time to be starting a family.

Just remember, an engagement means nothing in harsh reality.

If he can't be bothered to marry you, then I wouldn't be having a baby with him. However it is clear you will go ahead anyway so good luck.

Pretty sure I didn’t throw any judgement at you OP....

MrsGrannyWeatherWax I know I wouldn't be in the best position if hints went south but it has happened to hundreds of people before me and it will happen to hundreds more, I have a very supportive family and a well paid job with flexible working hours

Men aren't always the ones to leave also for people throwing that around

Not a lavish wedding person myself anyway ☺️ a small ceremony would do me fine and he knows that too x

As long as you’re covered then it’s fine!

I knew I could cover myself (also TTC pre marriage) which compared to a friend whose struggling with her ex is why you’re getting the advice you are.

Good luck with it all

There are so many threads on here of women who moved in with partners and had their children and years later end up having to start again with nothing. Romantic nonsense about getting engaged is just that. Marriage gives financial and legal parity and security to women. If you don't need that then why don't you stay independant. You can have this man's child and raise it on your own, at least you will know exactly where you stand and will have control of your life. I cannot understand why you equate getting 'engaged' with having a baby?

If this was out of character for him then I would guess he could be actually planning to propose but just trying to make you think he isn't.. he knows now that you would like to be engaged before children so I wouldn't push him any further on it.
If you are committed with a house and financially etc and choose to have kids together then I would be fine with that. To me, choosing to have children together is a much bigger commitment than getting engaged.

It sounds like he isn't ready for marriage but doesn't want to lose you so is prepared to try for a baby now. I'd wait OP.

Oh he's known since we got together that I've wanted children and marriage eventually, I have always been very clear about that to him and he's always reciprocated ☺️

I'm sure it isn't to 'keep me quiet' as he's spoken before about how he was scared to think about children with me incase I left him, he also mentioned next week about how ready he is now and isn't scared etc

YANBU by his apparent u-turn. You’ve discussed babies and engagement before, and as far as you were aware you were both on the same page. Now right as you prepare to start trying for the baby, the engagement appears to have been whisked off the table. I’d be upset too.

I hope he was just joking. He may well have some elaborate proposal lined up in the near future and he was trying to throw you off scent.

Good luck for your chat today. I hope it goes the way you want it to. And FWIW my DH asked my parents too. It’s sweet.