Peeved off!?!?

[grumbblingmiss]

So was talking to DP today about our plans to start a family soon, (coming off contraception in a couple of weeks) I mentioned today in a joke that he hasn't asked me to marry him yet, being that we have spoken about this several times and I've explained that I wanted to be at least engaged before we have a child

I know we don't HAVE to be engaged or married (this is just my personal preference) but his response was 'I don't have to ask you to marry me' 'it doesn't mean we can have a child we don't have to be engaged'

AIBU to be really pissed off??

He already has a DD with his EX and I don't want to just be 'another woman he got pregnant' as our relationship is very serious e.g mortgage, loans together, pets, close knit family

Any help would be appreciated

(Name changed)

We don't all want to take such risks where DC are concerned, many case in points on this thread.

All well and good if youre not bothered about getting married, but if someone isnt ready to get married their not ready for DC, which are a far greater commitment.

*they're

If he asks you to marry him now you'll suspect its out of guilt.
You've spoken about it before and you know he wants to get married.....MAYBE he wants to propose when you least expect it?
Maybe you're making him feel pressured?
Whatever the underlying reason, MAYBE you should just oh i dunno....enjoy your relationship at the moment!!!!
Everything has been fine up to this point hasn't it?
Don't over analyse things either xx

Can you explain, as you understand about his marriage reticence being all the surprise being ruined now and because she wants marriage he doesnt (cos that's pressure), how the same doesn't apply when he wants her to get pregnant, yet not married

She does want to get married, he's just wants to make her pregnant, yet he already has one and only half way through twenties...obvs loads of money! Paying for two DC.

Why on earth is he so set on having the kids before the wedding? Just on a practical level that makes things so much harder, you'll be trying to plan the wedding and have dress appointments and everything while also doing all the usual everyday child-wrangling then you'll have to either take them on your honeymoon or find childcare!

If I were you I'd casually mention that of course any kids you have will be taking your surname until the two of you get married (even if that's not really what you're planning to do.) I think his reaction will be quite revealing.

You have pets and a mortgage together, will a ring really make that much difference?

Guess what? Having pets and a mortgage together doesn’t give any legal protection. Who knew?

OP it might be enlightening to read some of the threads on the Relationships board.

You've chosen to take the really good advice from posters as 'judgement'
Your position sounds exactly like so many of the threads on there, women left in vulnerable positions all because they didn't think of their future and conceived a child with no proper commitment from the father.

Good luck with that!

Its sensible advice PP have given about financial security. BUT I don’t personally judge anyone who chooses to have children before marriage.

I would suggest before you try for a baby Having a frank discussion with your partner about how you both see the parenting roles to work.
Shared responsibility of nights, you both can’t go out as much like before children. You share the cost of childcare, share drop offs and pick ups to school. Both are given equal time for hobbys.
I’d be interested to see how he responds to the conversation. Is his ex controlling, or did she ask him to step up as a father? Having kids is hard work with 2 committed parents. I’d really struggle if my DH didn’t pull his weight.

I’ve read so many threads about men expecting to continue their care free lives after having kids and lumping all the work on their partners.

Good luck OP, let us know how your chat goes x

You are currently financially independent which is great. No doubt without him but with a child you could weather it. Until...you or he or your child is ill or disabled for a period requiring you to give up your job...your relationship comes under much more strain than today, you break up - at that point you will really notice the difference between being married or not. If you are married, his continuing legal commitment to you is very clear. He can walk away from you if you are not married.

If he is very ill or dies and you are not married, you are not next of kin so prepare to be swept aside and potentially not inherit things you strived for together or that at least would automatically go to a wife (unless you’ve ensured he has sorted out his legal affairs in anticipation of this - few do). Happened to a friend of mine and it was heartbreaking to watch.

It is not expensive to get married at a registry office. No ring required. If you are having a child it’s a lifelong commitment, he should be prepared to make a lifelong commitment to you. If you need to save for a big party do the 5 year wedding anniversary instead of the big wedding?

We live in a society with old laws. They aren’t fair and they favour those who are married. You can roll the dice on this and with a bit of luck you will not be affected by illness, death or a relationship breakdown. The odds are depressingly against you though.

Go in with your eyes open.

Had the talk!

Feel a lot happier now,

Me and DP talked about it today, he says not to worry so much, he has a plan for this year but wants me to relax and stop thinking about it so it can be a supprise!

Also we've said we will stay on the pill for a few more months yet if it will help me relax about things as no rush to TTC this instant

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend and that k you for all the helpful advice x

In other words he's pacified you with vague promises nothing concrete, you'll get pregnant and make yourself vulnerable legally and financially, he'll then come up with more excuses for you not getting married (it's too much hassle with a baby, we don't have the money right now with the baby etc)

You've likely done no research into the costs of childcare etc and you'll likely be back here or sonewhere similar with a name change cos he's screwed you over.

Well, you can't then claim you weren't warned.

Stay on the pill!!!

Sorry X post. Glad you feel better.

'We'll' take the pill. Yep, that'll be him left holding the baby when the good ol' contraceptive fails.

What a have. You just need to relax more. Surprise.

Oldest lines in the book.

he has a plan for this year

Of course he has.

but wants me to relax and stop thinking about it so it can be a surprise

I bet he does. Oh well, as long as you’re happy. As others have said, keep taking the tablets.

I think OP, in all honesty, you are desperate to hear what you want to hear.

He has not actually said anything there, has he. He has fed your 'high hopes and dreams', but he has told you he doesn't share them,because his security is your pregnancy!

You will be vulnerable once you are pregnant,and you will have any stability.

If you don't want to get married, then fine, but you really do, and at this rate it won't be happening before you get pregnant.

Did he think he should check with your df before embarking upon starting a family?!pffft course he didn't, shows you what's important, and he's already in a bad relationship with his DCs DM.

You can legally wed very quickly just the two of you. Have your big wedding party whenever but if being Wed matters (and I think you do need legal protections) then nothings stopping you. Or is it, sorry, yes, he is.

Don't put your life on hold for some dream of a proposal dangling on a string

Also, baby's last name, I'm assuming he'll be making sure baby doesn't have its DMs name?