"but it does show you’re living in s romantic idyll and not using your loaf." This!
The rose tinted glasses are firmly in place, these can also blinker you to the consequences of not thinking through what you do next and what his ACTIONS are showing you.
As I said words are cheap, they're meaningless, actions are what matters.
You're correct nobody can tell the future - so you safeguard yourself as much as possible. The reality is women are still MOSTLY
the primary carers for children
the ones that reduce their hours or take career breaks
are paid less,
are the ones that work hours to suit childcare availability
Are the ones taking time off work if children are sick
Are the ones leaving work early or taking time off for parents evenings etc
Are the ones most likely to have residency following a split which limits the hours and days you can work even more, and mean you're the one paying for and arranging childcare, taking time off to cover holidays etc
You have the opportunity to benefit from our experiences you'd be foolish not to take advantage of that.
A child is a much bigger commitment than a marriage, you're forever tied to a co-parent and you can't change your mind about a child like you can with a marriage.
If he hasn't the maturity or courage to commit to a marriage he definitely isn't ready to be a father.
Does he pull his weight now? Financially? Practically (housework, mental load)? Emotionally?
Does he pay his ex cms minimum or does he give more if he can? How often does he see his child? What does he do when they spend time together? Is he a Disney dad or a sensible one?
These are all indications of what kind of future partner and father he'll be.
Babies, sleep deprivation, stress all test a relationship to its limits.
If you can't rely on him now, if he's not a decent father now he won't be a reliable decent father to your child either.
Do YOU know the costs of raising a child? Have you looked into childcare costs? General costs of raising a child? Cos honestly they get MORE expensive as they get older, relatively speaking babies are cheap, teenagers cost a bloody fortune!
An engagement is meaningless, it has absolutely no status in law and is not actually a commitment at all.
"I know I wouldn't be in the best position if things went south" other than his ex do you actually know any single mums? If you do I strongly advise you talk to them if you're close enough to ask them about how tough it is. There's numerous threads on here you can read about how it is to be one too.
I've been a single mum for 16 years, while I have never regretted having my dd I think most people are completely clueless about how hard it is if they have not been part of a single parent family.
You say you have a well paid flexible job, I'd be very interested to know what you consider well paid and exactly how flexible they are. Are there single parents working there?
Because my experience (I hold 2 degrees and have a wealth of work experience and excellent refs) is that you are severely compromised in what hours and where you can work when you have to be available for a child.
Childcare costs are very high, childcare availability is limited it's generally mon-fri 8-6 and you can't send your child in if they're sick there's a lot of rules around that. And kids get sick a lot especially when they start school and are knackered and exposed to a load of new germs. Every tummy bug is a minimum of 2 days off. Every rash you need to be aware could be chicken pox or similar...
Forget working weekends or overtime or bank holidays etc unless you are absolutely certain that family will help out - and don't assume they will. Many families make all the right noises but don't come through when push comes to shove. Very few single parents I know (and I know a lot)
And the "buck stops here" is absolutely true too in single parenting. Everything that a parent is responsible for is down to you, there's nobody to relieve the pressure, nobody else responsible for or blamed for when things go wrong. Which they do. Every health scare, every bad school report, every incident of naughtiness, every neighbour complaint, every friendship fallout...is down to you to deal with.
You sound incredibly naive and inexperienced and as if you haven't actually until this thread considered all the implications particularly for you of having a child with this non committing man
I also know more than most that it's not always men that leave/lose residency or that are single parents.
I know of several families where this is the case for a variety of reasons my own brother was a single resident dad for 7 years until his 2nd wife moved in. He'd been a nrp then his ex wife died in a car wreck and he became his eldest's single resident parent.
I know of families where mum just left without giving a reason, where there's been addiction issues, where the couple split and dad had been primary carer so got residency...
It's been no easier for those dads than it has been for the single mums I know. They get a lot more praise on sm etc but they're in the same situation as the single mums mostly financially and in terms of childcare etc.
I think you really need to educate yourself on the reality for single parents.
None I know regret being parents but it's bloody hard! It's certainly not the ideal situation for parent or child as far as I'm concerned.
Given how young your man is and you've been together a while how long was he with his ex? How old was the child when they split?
"Not a week goes by on here without a thread on here about how a woman and 'DP' are splitting up and she's financially fucked by it." I'd say closer to daily.
Seriously op go and browse the relationship and lone parent boards here and elsewhere. It's so so common for men to string women along for YEARS without ever making a real commitment to them (getting them pregnant either deliberately or accidentally is NOT a commitment because it's still far to easy for fathers to sod off not see their kids and even if they do pay maintenance the bare min and only if cms catch up with them!)
He has nothing to lose by impregnating you - you have everything to lose if you do so without marrying.